start2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 hi...i ve benn dumped in tuesday 5.2.2014. this relationship was turbulent...full of lies of my girlfriend....and after that i stopped with giving effort...cause she just was to stubborn...and never really decided to be honest and to tell everything....i got cold...and in tuesday...she broke up with me....she said she knows its a good decision for her...because i make no effort...and i said to her...that i would give much effort...but i really need honest person so we can trust eachother...and that i am sorry that she made that decision...but that i will accept it....i havent contacted her (but i did facebook stalking)...until 7.2.2015 (friday) came...and she called! she said that her uncle (which is demented person)....is missing...and she asked if i know any policemen...i said to her that i can find someone i know after the job, cause i was at my job at the time of call...and she wrote me an sms...and told me that i dont need to find policemen...that she already called police...and 2 hours later...she said that they find their uncle...i replied to her sms and wrote her that its a great news and that i am glad that they found him....thats the last thing i wrote to her...and she didnt reply to me from then....i ve been facebook stalking....cause i was interested if she is going to block me...she didnt block me...but somehow i find out...that stalking hurts....and i really dont want to know how she is getting better...eventhough i admit i am curious....so the last time i said i will check it, and i did, was yesterday 08.02.2014 at 20.00h....so now its 09.02.2014 ,21:32....so its over 24hours of no stalking...and more than 48 hours with no contact with her....i know i can make it....eventhough it is hard to accept that we are over forever...but i know she never was good in this relationship...and i know (and even she admitted) that she has done some really terrible things in this relationship....but i miss her calls,talking, cuddling,.... . however...i know i will be strong enough to maintain no contact with her...but days seems to be soooo long....hours are going sooo slowly.....yeah....its not my first breakup...and this hasnt been my best or longest relationship...it was just almost 6 months...and it was many bad mood and many ugly words and acts from her...so i am not having the hard time of accepting the breakup....like i had in my past....but...this time...i really tried hard to succeed...and she was just stubborn and had no will to stop doing things that were destroying us....yeah...its a long story for you guys to read...and probably not interesting one...but i had to give it out of me
Author start2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 hello....my ex just wrote me a sms....she wrote that only in my hug she was safe...that she really loved me...that she really liked to cuddle with me...but arguing at the end....destroyed her love....and so on...and so on...it was quite long sms....what to do now??? to reply??? to say just "OK".....not to reply....please help....and explain it....thanks!
Author start2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 she kind of accused me for 95% of it....and 5% she accused her....she said we could have been happy and together...but didnt manage to do it the way we should...at the end...she wrote...that she hopes i will find a girl that will suit me...and she wishes me the best...and she wrote BYE. so...i am not expert in breaking stuff...and coping stuff...but it seemed...like she wanted to accuse me again for most of the things....but why??? we hadnt heard each other for more than 2 days....and it was because of her missing uncle...and before that....we hadnt heard of each other for another 2 days...i never sent message or called! why would she come out of silence....and wrote this stuff?? what is the purpose of it? it certainly isnt to be together again....so why would she do it? i didnt bother her...why she came back to tell me this stuff?? its wierd...but the only thing i know is...that i deleted messages immediately...and that i will not reply to it....cause i wont beg her...i dont want to argue....and she hasnt been talking about reuniting....or making an effort to be better...so why should even talk to her about it? she will think what she want anyway...and it will always be my fault (95%) and not her....eventhough she lied, she messed with other guys, she was hiding stuff from me,.... i guess....she came...just to hurt me more....just to tell me once again that its my fault....just to prove me that it is end for her....just to nail it. i dont know....so i am asking you guys and girls.....to say your opinion.... thanks
Haydn Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 No contact for you. read the threads on it. It will help. 1
AnyaNova Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 No contact for you. read the threads on it. It will help. Trust those of us who have placed our hands on the burner multiple times. Haydn is exactly right. No contact. Here are the scenarios: 1) You contact her. She gets pissed you did when she told you not to. She ignores you. --in this scenario. You are the one that gets hurt. Badly. 2) You contact her. She is flattered by the attention and her ego loves it. She knows and has made clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you. So she gives you a few breadcrumbs, perhaps you get together and sleep together but nothing, still, changes. The sex and the breadcrumbs weren't getting back together. Just, helping her transition. --in this scenario, too. You are the one that gets hurt. Badly. 3) You guys have a fight despite getting your hopes up. --in this scenario. You are the one that gets hurt. Still badly. See the thing about every scenario you can come up with, post break-up is that unless they are beating down your door very shortly after saying that made a very disastrous and stupid mistake in breaking up with you and that they want to get back together asap and will move mountains to prove it (btw- save yourself the pain, though we all know that you probably won't be able to--and don't hope for this. At all. It will just hurt you when it doesn't happen), but in every scenario. It is not her getting hurt. It is you. No contact is your savior. It feels at the time (believe me, we know, we've been there!!!) like a prison and like you are dooming your relationship. Most likely, your relationship was already doomed, which is why it ended. It is not your prison it is your benefactor and savior. It will allow you to heal, and every time you break it, you will set yourself back to square one with all the rebuilt hopes that you carefully knocked down, all needing to be knocked down! Yes. No contact. Definitely. And I'm sorry. I really do have a good idea how much this hurts. Yes, our situations and pain are different, I am sure. But fundamentally. We all feel pain when a breakup occurs. And it is bad for all of us. I am sorry. 2
Haydn Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 This is sound. `Start`. Yes learn from our very painful mistakes. They were and sometimes still are. Trust those of us who have placed our hands on the burner multiple times. Haydn is exactly right. No contact. Here are the scenarios: 1) You contact her. She gets pissed you did when she told you not to. She ignores you. --in this scenario. You are the one that gets hurt. Badly. 2) You contact her. She is flattered by the attention and her ego loves it. She knows and has made clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you. So she gives you a few breadcrumbs, perhaps you get together and sleep together but nothing, still, changes. The sex and the breadcrumbs weren't getting back together. Just, helping her transition. --in this scenario, too. You are the one that gets hurt. Badly. 3) You guys have a fight despite getting your hopes up. --in this scenario. You are the one that gets hurt. Still badly. See the thing about every scenario you can come up with, post break-up is that unless they are beating down your door very shortly after saying that made a very disastrous and stupid mistake in breaking up with you and that they want to get back together asap and will move mountains to prove it (btw- save yourself the pain, though we all know that you probably won't be able to--and don't hope for this. At all. It will just hurt you when it doesn't happen), but in every scenario. It is not her getting hurt. It is you. No contact is your savior. It feels at the time (believe me, we know, we've been there!!!) like a prison and like you are dooming your relationship. Most likely, your relationship was already doomed, which is why it ended. It is not your prison it is your benefactor and savior. It will allow you to heal, and every time you break it, you will set yourself back to square one with all the rebuilt hopes that you carefully knocked down, all needing to be knocked down! Yes. No contact. Definitely. And I'm sorry. I really do have a good idea how much this hurts. Yes, our situations and pain are different, I am sure. But fundamentally. We all feel pain when a breakup occurs. And it is bad for all of us. I am sorry.
Author start2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 i definately will do as you say!!! i cant see a single reason...that would bring me good...if i answer...but...i am really annoyed with one question... why did she do it? why did she send me a sms...and than blame it most on me and said, that she hopes i will find some girl that will suite me...and than she said goodbye...why? what was the purpose? what did she want to achieve? what to do if she writes me ever again?
Haydn Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 ignore. You will not get any answers. i definately will do as you say!!! i cant see a single reason...that would bring me good...if i answer...but...i am really annoyed with one question... why did she do it? why did she send me a sms...and than blame it most on me and said, that she hopes i will find some girl that will suite me...and than she said goodbye...why? what was the purpose? what did she want to achieve? what to do if she writes me ever again?
Tripz Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It probably happens to all of us...The need to have answers. I'm learning that some answers will never come and best to not dwell on that. I'm also learning a whole new level of patience. The more patient I am and not act on my emotions (ie: texting, calling, driving by her new house, looking through phone records or doing ANY kind of investigation), I tend to get through the day a whole lot better. I've also found, that when I do get a small answer to something, it actually opens up an entire plethora of other questions. So, I'm learning to stay focused on me and try to fix whatever issues I may have had that played into our breakup, not get answers from her. I cannot change her, no matter what I say or do, so why waste the energy. Energy seems in very short supply these days, so I'm spending it on me. The NC may not always work the way we want, but it does work. For me, since I tend to work through issues by talking, the NC is completely counter to how I naturally operate, but it has made things much better. 2
RaidDolEm78 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It probably happens to all of us...The need to have answers. I'm learning that some answers will never come and best to not dwell on that. I'm also learning a whole new level of patience. The more patient I am and not act on my emotions (ie: texting, calling, driving by her new house, looking through phone records or doing ANY kind of investigation), I tend to get through the day a whole lot better. I've also found, that when I do get a small answer to something, it actually opens up an entire plethora of other questions. So, I'm learning to stay focused on me and try to fix whatever issues I may have had that played into our breakup, not get answers from her. I cannot change her, no matter what I say or do, so why waste the energy. Energy seems in very short supply these days, so I'm spending it on me. The NC may not always work the way we want, but it does work. For me, since I tend to work through issues by talking, the NC is completely counter to how I naturally operate, but it has made things much better. I also work things through by talk and feel the same way. To add, please be careful for what you wish for as far as answers, OP and whoever else. I wanted answers so badly as I'm sure a lot do in our position. My worst fear came true when I find out the truth behind the breakup months after the fact. I was better off not knowing.
Author start2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 i dont know...but i cant get out of my head...why would she write me? what did she wanted to achieve??? but i didnt reply....and she didnt text me anymore...so i guess this is now final silence....but i know i can go through it...i am keeping myself as busy as i can....so....i am 2 days with totally nc...even without stalking on facebook. but this question really bothers me...why?
Tripz Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Start, there could be 20 different reasons she SMS'd you. You might be the only one that can figure it out, since it was your relationship. Maybe she's confused, too. In that place between wanting out, but not completely convinced the grass IS greener (which it is not). So, as she thinks through your relationship, maybe she is remembering the good times and in that, reached out to you? Maybe she is vindictive and is trying to hurt you knowing how you feel. Only you can answer that, since you know your situation. But, the No Contact rules will really help weed out some of these questions. If you don't adhere to the NC, then you will be caught in Groundhog's Day, reliving the emotions and pain you feel now. It will become 10X harder to move on, get healthy and figure this crap out. Believe me, for 50+ days, I kept trying to "talk" about what was happening with my wife and all she wanted to do was stay away from me. The more I pushed, the further she went away. Unfortunately, I had yet to find this forum and I probably broke 30 of the 33 rules on NC. Everything that people said would happen if I continued contact, did. I'm one week exactly from implementing full on NC and due to our son, I have to have some contact. I keep it business-like now. Well, last night she called me. Hadn't heard from her for over a week, which was also the first week of her living on her own AND she had my son. It was a grueling week to NOT contact her and see how things were going. She is also supposed to be signing Divorce papers and the NO CONTACT she had drove me nuts. But, I stuck to my guns and the wisdom on this site. When she called last night, it was after I had already picked my son up for my week with me. She was very nice and told me she had been super busy, but that she realized I was probably wondering about the paperwork. I didn't say anything other than if she had questions, to let me know, but take her time, as this is for life. She said thank-you, but that her cursory overview looked fine and that she would sign this week. Then she actually asked how my week went. This is the first time in 2 months she's actually seemed concerned how "I'm" doing through all of this. All I said was, "It's going great, thanks". I'm not going to tell her I've been in hell and she's ripped my soul to shreds. Not because I think she will get any satisfaction from it, our situation isn't like that, but because honestly, she gave up that privilege of knowing. She doesn't deserve to know. We are done. She has her life. I have mine. If it doesn't pertain to our son, then I don't want to know. I do, of course, but I'm learning to reject those thoughts. They serve no better purpose now. I'm moving on and the outlook is really good!
Author start2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Author Posted August 18, 2014 I should of have listen to you..but i didnt....many things happen from than..but the result is the same...we got together...and broke up again...but now its forever...we broke up 38 days ago, we havent heard eachother for 15days...and she has a new guy... so its over now... but i have learned very valuable lesson...and i am really greatfull for your comments...thanks! Trust those of us who have placed our hands on the burner multiple times. Haydn is exactly right. No contact. Here are the scenarios: 1) You contact her. She gets pissed you did when she told you not to. She ignores you. --in this scenario. You are the one that gets hurt. Badly. 2) You contact her. She is flattered by the attention and her ego loves it. She knows and has made clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you. So she gives you a few breadcrumbs, perhaps you get together and sleep together but nothing, still, changes. The sex and the breadcrumbs weren't getting back together. Just, helping her transition. --in this scenario, too. You are the one that gets hurt. Badly. 3) You guys have a fight despite getting your hopes up. --in this scenario. You are the one that gets hurt. Still badly. See the thing about every scenario you can come up with, post break-up is that unless they are beating down your door very shortly after saying that made a very disastrous and stupid mistake in breaking up with you and that they want to get back together asap and will move mountains to prove it (btw- save yourself the pain, though we all know that you probably won't be able to--and don't hope for this. At all. It will just hurt you when it doesn't happen), but in every scenario. It is not her getting hurt. It is you. No contact is your savior. It feels at the time (believe me, we know, we've been there!!!) like a prison and like you are dooming your relationship. Most likely, your relationship was already doomed, which is why it ended. It is not your prison it is your benefactor and savior. It will allow you to heal, and every time you break it, you will set yourself back to square one with all the rebuilt hopes that you carefully knocked down, all needing to be knocked down! Yes. No contact. Definitely. And I'm sorry. I really do have a good idea how much this hurts. Yes, our situations and pain are different, I am sure. But fundamentally. We all feel pain when a breakup occurs. And it is bad for all of us. I am sorry.
Always Pondering Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 I should of have listen to you..but i didnt....many things happen from than..but the result is the same...we got together...and broke up again...but now its forever...we broke up 38 days ago, we havent heard eachother for 15days...and she has a new guy... so its over now... but i have learned very valuable lesson...and i am really greatfull for your comments...thanks! It's a natural mistake, this isn't the first time a person has come on here with a clouded mind asking for advice that they don't end up following. The bright side of things is you have learned that this cycle repeats itself (hopefully you have) and to not repeat the same mistakes. Sometimes experiencing something yourself is the best way to learn it. If you ever feel the urge to break NC again, just take a look back at this thread and remind yourself what will happen if you do.
Recommended Posts