NC for two months, and still not over her?

[somedude81]

It seems pretty clear to me. I could be wrong but to me it looks like he wants to be with her, but he wants her to prove she wants to be with him. Which seems perfectly reasonable to me given the situation.

OK so it does sound reasonable.

 

Does it sound likely? Nope.

 

MBAFGE, if you want her to prove to you that she wants to be with you, then all you can do is wait. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't.

[MBAFGE]

OK so it does sound reasonable.

 

Does it sound likely? Nope.

 

MBAFGE, if you want her to prove to you that she wants to be with you, then all you can do is wait. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't.

 

That's exactly my idea. But I'm glad you understand now. But as for it being likely... well, (I am refusing to let myself feel anything like eagerness or hope, but) I thought I'd never see her again. That happened, but she is causing this; meaning she came back and wants this apparently. So maybe there is hope? Again, I'm refusing to get hopeful, but I personally think it is in the realm of possibility... not sure. But even so, I am not getting hopeful until (or if) it actually happens. But anyway, I really do appreciate your advice and help here (and everyone else here). I'll just see what happens... Wish me luck I guess.

[johnww92]

Im in the same boat dude..my ex broke up with me after two months because she didnt feel the same about me anymore and she means more to me then any girl I have ever met and I think I might actually be in love with her im trying no contact and seeing how that goes.I dunno man some people will tell you to move on but if I was in your shoes and she meant that much to me then I would try one more time and see how it goes.

[WhiteTan]

but she isn't interested in reciprocating.

 

This confused me... isn't that why she came back to me? If she had no feelings for me, I would have never seen her again, right? Like, if she didn't have feelings for me, she wouldnt' have told me she does... the way I see it at least.

To elaborate on that,you've been busting your a-- and going out of your way to make her happy, yet all she's done in return is agree to MAYBE go on a date with you and "see where things go." That isn't reciprocation. You're doing 98 percent of the work here.. the foundation of this relationship should be a contribution of equal effort from you both but it sounds like it's one-sided. She should want to win you over in the same way you want to win her over.

Edited February 11, 2014 by WhiteTan

[Trep]

To elaborate on that,you've been busting your a-- and going out of your way to make her happy, yet all she's done in return is agree to MAYBE go on a date with you and "see where things go." That isn't reciprocation. You're doing 98 percent of the work here.. the foundation of this relationship should be a contribution of equal effort from you both but it sounds like it's one-sided. She should want to win you over in the same way you want to win her over.

 

This is what I got from your story as well. It's all way to one sided to ever be a successful relationship.

 

Best course of action is to make her chase you for a change. There's every chance she wont chase you and if that's the case, you'll know she's not wholeheartedly in this and that she isn't worth the time and effort on your behalf. Then you can move on with your own life and find someone who genuinely wants to be with you.

[MBAFGE]

This is what I got from your story as well. It's all way to one sided to ever be a successful relationship.

 

Best course of action is to make her chase you for a change. There's every chance she wont chase you and if that's the case, you'll know she's not wholeheartedly in this and that she isn't worth the time and effort on your behalf. Then you can move on with your own life and find someone who genuinely wants to be with you.

 

 

To elaborate on that,you've been busting your a-- and going out of your way to make her happy, yet all she's done in return is agree to MAYBE go on a date with you and "see where things go." That isn't reciprocation. You're doing 98 percent of the work here.. the foundation of this relationship should be a contribution of equal effort from you both but it sounds like it's one-sided. She should want to win you over in the same way you want to win her over.

 

 

I agree. But some people are telling me basically Don't give her the time of day. She disregarded what you wanted (to try to move on) and came back. She's being heartless and I should not do anything with her. Now while that makes sense on paper, I assume I should at least hear her out, right? I said to her "well discuss this more". So IF/when we talk about this, I want to know why she came back and what happened last time. What changed? I mean, she has to have a decent reason to come back to me, right?

 

Like, put it this way; either she contacts me about this or she doesn't. If I never hear from her again (or she expects me to go back to her, then **** her. She isn't worth my time because she did it for the attention. But if she does contact me about this (whether visits at work again, texts, calls, meets, etc), then three things can happen (as to why she did this). Either...

 

(A) she genuinely misses me and wants me in a romantic fashion and realized what she lost out on (there I go with supposedly sounding arrogant, but that's is what other people told me. They told me I'm her loss. Anyway,

 

(B) Before, she didn't know how to act on her emotions (never being in a relationship before) and realized something about what we had or

 

© Is a bitch and just wants the easy attentions he can get from me.

 

If it's (A) or (B), it's good for me. If it's ©, **** her and I will be able to move on so much easier because she is just a horrible person for doing that to me. Screwing with my emotions and attraction to boost her own ego. So I feel like I should at least hear her out before I make a definite decision of "Yes, let's see where things go", or "no, **** off", right? That's just how I see it.

Edited February 11, 2014 by MBAFGE

[Trep]

Yea I don't get why people would say to not give her a chance or anything. It's not like she cheated on you or left you for someone else. She just sounds like a commitment phobe to me. Anyway, she does deserve a second chance in my opinion, but she has to work for it.

[MBAFGE]

Yea I don't get why people would say to not give her a chance or anything. It's not like she cheated on you or left you for someone else. She just sounds like a commitment phobe to me. Anyway, she does deserve a second chance in my opinion, but she has to work for it.

 

Even though I want to be with her (as I'm sure it's evident posting this long), I do see why people would be hesitant. I said I couldn't be just friends anymore, so I ended it. Next day, she asked me on a date to "try it". It went well (even introduced me to her parents) and later on said she didn't want nor have time for a boyfriend. But she still wanted to stay friends. I ended it for the same reason, I can't be just friends. And now she came back... Some of my friends think it's just history repeating itself and I'm setting myself up for disappointment and hurt again. Also they think that she stepped all over my request to have time of no contact to get over her. And that was disrespectful as they say. It's not like I disagree with them, but like I said above, the way I see it is this: She must have a reason for doing so. Like, she wouldn't make the effort if I expected to never see her again. Hell, apparently she kept the photo of us I printed for her for these last two months. If I meant nothing to her, she would have thrown out a gift from me a looong time ago, right? I threw away anything she gave me to get over her (I might be reaching there because I love her and that's not requited, so I'll disregard that), like I said, she had to have a reason. So I personally find it better to know the reason than have the rest of my life wondering "Why". I'm a very logical person and like to hear two sides to an argument before decision making (I am also not much of a dick, so I can't be just mean to someone I love and say "You're not worth even listening to").

 

 

Anyway, if the reason is not what I want (i.e., she just wants to "try" again, and "maybe" wants this or something), then no. I won't accept. I went through that before and that's not worth because the chance of history repeating itself (me getting my heart broken again) isn't worth the off chance of "maybe" (also, it wouldn't be an equal relationship, which is another thing). But if it is a good reason (like she realized she really did like me and got over her "phobia" of commitment or something, then hurray for me. I will think about it and maybe give her a second chance.

 

I will have to think about it though. I'm fully aware that she could (as some of my friends say) say exactly what I want to hear. Which is why I want her to somehow prove she is serious. I dont' have a clue of how she would go about doing that, but I personally think it has to be done... whatever that would be. Kind of like you said she needs to "work for it". She said when she visited me at work (within the first few minutes of catching up before she asked), she randomly asked me "What are you doing for Valentine's Day?" I was confused and said "working" which is true. She said she'd come to visit so I "wouldn't be alone on Valentine's Day". So I assume that that is when either we will talk about this or set a day to talk about it. I, again, refuse to instigate a day. She will have to, as you say, work for it. (I just hope she doesn't bring a friend that day then. That'd be awkward. Not to mention I wouldn't want to talk about it at work anyway. Too many people and it wouldn't be private...) anyway, yeah I think she has to work for it if I give her a second chance. If she does want a relationship with me, it has to be 50-50 and she has to prove she is serious about that. If not, no second chance, sorry (because that would mean she did all this for the easy attention she knows she can get from me)

 

 

...did all that make sense? If it didn't, let me know and I'll try to explain it another way. Also, do you guys think any of that is unreasonable? (like her proving it...somehow. if that actually happens, that is.)

Edited February 12, 2014 by MBAFGE

[Trep]

It made sense to me and it sounds perfectly reasonable. Sounds like your head is in a good place right now, just make sure not to rush into things and take it slow.

 

Keep us updated on any contact she makes.

[MBAFGE]

It made sense to me and it sounds perfectly reasonable. Sounds like your head is in a good place right now, just make sure not to rush into things and take it slow.

 

Keep us updated on any contact she makes.

 

 

Really? I'm glad to hear that. I couldn't tell if I was rambling or not making sense. Even though I personally don't really know how to ask the last question (it being basaciiy she has to prove to me she is serious... if we even get that far), I think I've got a good plan. Do you have any other way of wording that one? I just don't want to say it like that and come off as an entitled prick or something. But since you understand what I'm trying to communicate in that line, any revisions to that you can think of?

 

And really? Okay, I will keep you updated. Thank you Trep.

[MBAFGE]

No contact since Sunday (when she texted me after she visited). It started to snow pretty heavily today in my area and will continue into Valentine's Day. I wonder if she will show tomorrow. Just thought I'd give you all a bit of an update. Simply no communication between us since. I won't lie, I really hope she shows Valentine's Day. I know it's sad saying, but I miss her so much and want this to happen. I really do. I think before she mentioned she'd bring a friend with her that day. I really hope she doesn't, because that'd frankly be a bit awkward (and lame on her part, having to bring a friend during this). I will just ask if we could discuss this in private). I also wonder why she chose Valentine's Day... Like, one of the first things she asked me (after catching up for a few minutes) was "What're you doing for Valentine's Day?" Like, it wasn't just a random question. She had to have thought about asking. I am trying so hard to not get hopeful, but since I love her, it's hard not to. Anyway, I kind of just wants to share my current thoughts on the matter now, and bump this because... why not?

[Trep]

Ah well, you can only wait and see. Not going to lie though, I am slightly concerned that she hasn't contacted you in 5 days? (Sorry if that's wrong, I'm pretty sure it's a different day in my country then yours so I might be confused). I would think if she was more committed she would be doing more to keep in contact, but then again she might be trying to take things slow to not risk scaring you off. Only time will tell what she's thinking.

[makaveli]

If she wanted you to begin with, she would have made it clear much sooner. You just need a girl that wants you as much as you want her. Then you'll be happier. NC will help you forget about this one, and I bet that meeting a new girl will too.

[MBAFGE]

Ah well, you can only wait and see. Not going to lie though, I am slightly concerned that she hasn't contacted you in 5 days? (Sorry if that's wrong, I'm pretty sure it's a different day in my country then yours so I might be confused). I would think if she was more committed she would be doing more to keep in contact, but then again she might be trying to take things slow to not risk scaring you off. Only time will tell what she's thinking.

 

 

If she wanted you to begin with, she would have made it clear much sooner. You just need a girl that wants you as much as you want her. Then you'll be happier. NC will help you forget about this one, and I bet that meeting a new girl will too.

 

Okay, she did contact me last night (it being just under 4 days. I'm in the US, which might add to the confusion. She came to my workplace Sunday and she texted me yesterday, Thursday). She asked me how my snowday was, and we talked about nothing for a little while (me being laconic and such). She mentioned that she will try to visit me tonight when I'm working but she is busy. She has work and is going out with one of her girl friends. So that's fine. She mentioned how she actually likes the day after Valentine's Day better becuase that's when all the candy is on sale. I agreed and then she said that if I wasn't doing anything Saturday, we could go get some sale candy. I realized that she is making plans, but we have still yet to talk about this. I said "Okay sure, but remember, we do have to talk about this soon, okay?" I was blunt about it and she said Okay. So my plan is if I dont' see her tonight (which isn't likely), she might mention something about Saturday sometime between now and Saturday. So if she does, I'll say "Okay, but can I call? We have to talk about this". Something like that. Followed by the questions I woudl ask and all that before. She also texted me this morning saying she was angry she couldn't celebrate "galentine's day" last night. I had no idea what that was, and she said it's when you celebrate your lady friends. And that (since she has plans with one of her girl friends tonght) is technically doing tonight. I said have fun tongiht and she said thanks.

 

 

Anyway, I think I have a good idea of what I'm going to do and I'm also proud to say that I am actually thinking with my brain instead of my heart right now. I will only accept and keep talking to her if she says something on the phone like (in relation to why she came back and how she feels about me) she missed me and realized she wants a relationship with me. Then I'd say something how I'm not interested in taking the reins of it becuase having her take a large portion of it would communicate to me that a relationship is something she wants; not just something I want and she is just coasting on. So I think I've got a good idea here guys (and gals)

[Trep]

The more the situation drags on the more I'm starting to think she just wants to friendzone you again. I'd be wary and don't get your hopes up. Go in there with a level head and if she's not willing to commit just do what makaveli said, NC and move on, don't even try and be friends with her after it because that will just be caving into her selfish needs.

 

Well, after reading what I just typed I've realised it sounds awfully pessimistic. I do hope it turns out how you want it to. Good luck.

[MBAFGE]

The more the situation drags on the more I'm starting to think she just wants to friendzone you again. I'd be wary and don't get your hopes up. Go in there with a level head and if she's not willing to commit just do what makaveli said, NC and move on, don't even try and be friends with her after it because that will just be caving into her selfish needs.

 

Well, after reading what I just typed I've realised it sounds awfully pessimistic. I do hope it turns out how you want it to. Good luck.

 

Even though I should be weary, I do still want this, so I hope that doesn't happen. But today so far, I doubt I'll see her (as in, actually go out and do something with the whole "candy" thing). Because she works all morning and afternoon on Saturdays, and when she gets out (granted is early) I go into work. So today won't happen. But... yeah, I see why you would be pessimistic, and I should be as well. But what keeps me hopeful (even though I shouldn't be, so I'm trying to get rid of it) is her saying she has potential interest. Although that is not nearly what I want, it's some level of attraction, right? But I don't want to play guessing-games like I have since June of 2013, so that's why I just want to ask these and get it over with. I won't lie (and I"m sure you guys all saw it coming), I'm hoping she does want me and a relationship. I'm not saying that I'm expecting it though. But I do want it.

 

She did initiate contact with me yesterday. Twice actually. Three times in two days from her, and zero from me. As I said before the morning she texts me saying how she is upset she didn't celebrate "galentine's" day, etc. But then around 6 or so, she sent me a Snapchat (I haven't used that application in weeks) of her smiling looking beautiful saying "Happy Valentine's Day!". Since I work in a place that has frosting, I wrote in frosting saying "Happy Valentine's Day". Later that night around 9:30 or so, she sends one back of her smiling again saying "Sweetest Valentine from [my workplace]". I sent back "I try". She said something like "it was a wild night hahaha". I sent "Not as wild as [my workplace] I bet". She sent a picture of her with her hair all disheveled saying "proof of the wildness haha". I said "Apparently so" with a line drawn to my hair saying "(Lack of wildness)" (because I have short hair). She sent one with her all cleaned up (most likely out of she shower) with her hair in order, holding some of it saying "My hair gets like that when it's wet haha". I sent one of me looking "up" at my hair saying "Can't say mine does". That was the end of that since that was late into the night and she usually went to bed decently early because she had to get up early for work this morning (I'm guessing. Based on past experience with her a few months ago, that happened. She worked early in the morning on Saturdays)

 

Anyway (sorry for rambling). But I hope this isn't just to friendzone me. I know I shouldn't be hopeful in the slightest, but it sucks saying I can't help it. It's like my subconsious is, and I can actively tell myself all day "Don't get hopeful". but it doesn't really matter. Did that make sense? But I do agree with you Trep and Makaveli: if that's the case, I was planning on going NC again. But before I do (and she is doing this just to be friends) I will tell her that "I will contact you if and when I think we can be friends." Something like that so it will be explicitly said so this won't happen again. But I appreciate the responses, despite that they are kind of the opposite of what I want to hear. I guess I won't know until I talk to her about this. But thanks for the good luck wishes though. I appreciate them (I just hope they help haha...)

Edited February 15, 2014 by MBAFGE

[Trep]

Wait, so she made plans to hang out with you for this "candy day" knowing that she had to work all day and you had to go into work around the time she got off? Sounds fishy to me. It sounds like she's just trying to weasel back in as friends and avoid the "relationship talk". Be wary my friend!

[MBAFGE]

Wait, so she made plans to hang out with you for this "candy day" knowing that she had to work all day and you had to go into work around the time she got off? Sounds fishy to me. It sounds like she's just trying to weasel back in as friends and avoid the "relationship talk". Be wary my friend!

 

I will. Thank you trep. To be fair, I am guessing at her working, even though I am almost certain. But also, she dind't know I was working. So it wasn't like "Even though I know you're working, let's do it". She dind't know I was working. And to be fair, from memory last time, she always got out at 4 on Saturdays. And to her credit, as soon as like 4:10 struck, she sent me a Snapchat saying "looks like our plans will have to be rescheduled" of her. Because it was snowing pretty heavily all day. So she did remember. So althoguh you could be correct in your thinking Trep, I think you think that way because of my lack of information. My apologies. But anyway I replied to her snapchat an our later from from with a pic of my workplace saying "That's alright, I'm here anyway". Then she sent me two. First saying "What time do you get off?" and the second one of her looking concerned saying "Be safe!". She was not only showing concern to me, but initiative as well. I am again refusing to get hopeful, so I'm ignoring it. But even so, me reading the one of her telling me to "Be safe!" made me simply...happy.

 

But when I got home from work, we kept Snapchatting and within about an hour and a half (from about 9:30-11pm), we sent about 24 snapchats total back and forth. In one hour, I received more Snapchats from her than I have received in the last few weeks in total from any one else, including my platonic female friends, and even my best friends. And her replies were instantaneous as well. I forgot how much fun she is to have in my life. As well as how much I missed her. I mean, I made significant progress in these last two months trying to get over her, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her every day. I truly did. I missed her every single day and I guess I was just really good at hiding it.

 

But yeah, over the past 3 days, she's instigated contact with me 5 times through various means of communication (text and Snapchatting). I have instigated zero times. So I'm proud to say that! But she's instigated more overall than she ever did before. Like when we were just friends back in August and September. She barely instigated any contact during that time at all. Even when we dated that week. She didn't instigate nearly as much as she is now. Again, I'm refusing to get hopeful or read into any of this. So I'm ignoring it.

 

But a question for you all: Since I shouldn't instigate anything (which I haven't) how would I ask to talk to her about this and ask the questions? I would prefer to do it soon and now whether or not this is worth my time. I personally would prefer over the phone or in person over text, so how exactly would I go about doing that? Any ideas trep?

Edited February 16, 2014 by MBAFGE

[thatmomentwhenu]

Food for thought: Don't forget that the girl for you could be right under your nose while you're focusing so much on this one. You're thinking too much in my opinion. You met a girl, went on a date, think she's amazing and perfect, she visited you once at work and initiates conversations. Side note is that nobody's perfect and I guarantee you she has flaws just like anybody.

 

Is she interested? Seems like it. However, the way things are starting and how you're already playing games with seeing if she will contact you might bite you in the butt down the road.

 

Just trying to remind you to keep these things in mind. Go for it, but if you're going to think so much about it, you should probably put some thought into other things too.

[MBAFGE]

Food for thought: Don't forget that the girl for you could be right under your nose while you're focusing so much on this one. You're thinking too much in my opinion. You met a girl, went on a date, think she's amazing and perfect, she visited you once at work and initiates conversations. Side note is that nobody's perfect and I guarantee you she has flaws just like anybody.

 

I can see how you'd say that. But I have had zero contact with her for two months and honestly, there isn't really any better girl under my nose. If there was, then I would have made a move with a girl like that in a heartbeat and would have moved on.. But unfortunately, people like this girl I love are very far and in between. What I mean is my college isn't in the... nicest neighborhood (nor where I live in general), and isn't that great as a whole. Not only is the general "education" level not that high here (which I want in a girl. I want one who can think on her own two feet and and actually have intellectually stimulating conversations,, with goals and ambitions), but also, since it's not in a great neighborhood, there aren't what I'd call... "good girls" that are plentiful. What I mean is that I'm 20. I don't drink, smoke, party etc. I have zero interest. I drank once at my cousin's wedding after my brother basically made me, and I can say from experience that I have absolutely zero interest, and I want a girl who's the same way. Being a partier to me is a dealbreaker. Sorry if that's shallow (I personally don't think it is) Not only is finding anyone like me with these views very slim to begin with (male or female), finding a girl who is drop-dead gorgeous (which is the least interesting thing about her), intelligent, and basically the female version of me is unique. If you're in my age group (teens and twenties), you might see what I mean about the "drinking" and "partying scene" being very prevalent. In my years since high school and college, the only people who have zero interest in that type of lifestyle are me, my three best friends since elementary school (who are actually starting to drink now and it upsets me) and this girl. Which is why I never really had any "lasting" friendships out of high school. I was friends with my entire grade and everybody liked me, but I haven't spoken to a single High School classmate since I graduated two years ago. (Also, I'm not saying if you or anybody drinks I look down on you. It's just I personally don't like it. Didn't mean to offend anyone if I did)

 

But anyway a grand total of four people in my twenty years who are like me; don't want to waste their time, money, and health partying and doing drugs when you don't need them to enjoy life. So not only are my three best friends now starting to drink and I don't want to, so now it's just me and this girl who share these exact same, yet unique views (or at least very hard to come by). Sorry for venting a bit. I just got a little frustrated. The other day, my best friend told me that another one of my best friends wants to get drunk on Spring Break. But not at a party... in his basement. With just us four. Like... why is that fun? That's just depressing; getting drunk in a basement literally just to get drunk... I told my best friend flat out "That's not going to happen with me. Sorry, but you guys can get hammered. I'll have water and just hang out." I just don't give a **** about it, and now that I thought we shared this same mentality and now they are changing, I feel like I'm losing them. But that's why I'm so happy I have this girl (not just because of this view, which is an amazing thing. Like, when we first met, she said that she left her previous college because it was all partying and she hated it. That was one of the first things we bonded over). But anyway, all this is an argument for another day. I just wanted to communicate that although there might be someone out there "better" for me than this girl, she very well isn't in my life yet. Nor do I think anyone could be better than this girl. But I see what you mean, and I appreciate that message there. I know she isn't perfect; she has poor time management skills and has anxiety. Although the latter is why we have such a strong friendship.

 

When we were just friends (and I did all the initiation) she would cancel on me like... half of the time. At one point I got sick and frustrated and flat out asked why she always cancels on me. She told me she has anxiety and that she hasn't really told anyone about it because most people "think it's bull ****". I was more than sympathetic and I told her that is most definitely isn't (my uncle has it, so I've been around it and know that it isn't bull ****) and I told her that she can call me day or night if she is not doing well; whether it be to vent, talk, or have a change of scenery. I told her I would always be here if she needed my help and I meant every word She said that meant more to her than I ever could know. So anxiety isn't a fault or flaw to me. I tried think of flaws during those two months and only came up with time management issues. So she is pretty near perfect to me. But anyway, I'm rambling a bit. Sorry thatmomentwhenu (and everybody else)

 

 

Is she interested? Seems like it. However, the way things are starting and how you're already playing games with seeing if she will contact you might bite you in the butt down the road.

 

Just trying to remind you to keep these things in mind. Go for it, but if you're going to think so much about it, you should probably put some thought into other things too.

 

I see exactly what you mean. You are a very smart man (or girl. Whichever applies haha). But I get that, I might be thinking too much. Maybe I'll just let it ride. But I do still think I should ask these questions. But am I like, doing something wrong by seeing if she initiates a lot of conversation? What do you suggest? Like, I'm not above contacting/initating. But I just wanted to see if she would first. Seems like she is, which is good. I see what you mean about it being like a "game" as you call it, but I am a bit confused as to how it might bite me. What exactly do you mean? (I'm genuinely asking). Like, am I doing something wrong with what I'm doing?

Edited February 17, 2014 by MBAFGE

[MBAFGE]

So I ended up just texting her now asking to call sometime today to talk about this (so I could ask the questions and see what this is). I sent the following:

 

 

"Would it be okay if I call sometime today? It's nothing bad! But we still kind of need to talk about this a bit. It's kind of overdue, since last week haha."

 

 

I know I shouldn't initiate contact, I realized that if I don't ask to talk about this, then it won't happen and I could be in this "limbo" of not knowing forever. She said she is showing interest and wants to see where it goes, so she is interested in something with me. I won't know exactly what that is (or how much) unless I ask and so I won't know if I am wasting my time here (meaning if she's doing this all for friendship). I'm sure she's fine with talking about this. I'm just going to tell her that since she said she wanted to not confuse me, I just wanted to talk about it. Telling her I am more than willing to try dating again but (then followed by the questions). I'm the one who wants to talk about it, so I have to basically start it. Also, I mean, she did say she wanted to "not confuse me", so since I am confused, I want to ask so I know if all this is just her trying to be friends, or what not. All those things I mentioned. (I also totaled it up; 47 snapchats in three days. Just thought I'd say that). Anyway, I plan on just asking these questions. Hope it goes well. I kind of expect it to, however I am not hopeful and being weary as ****.

[iPhone]

My dude I'm gonna give you the harsh truth. You tried too hard AND too little (too little because you didn't even go for a kiss).

 

First off, girls don't like guys who are too available and eager. Life isn't The Notebook. You shouldn't have went all out of your way to give her a crazy, unforgettable present. That's something you do when you're married...

 

Should've just got her some chocolates and acted independent. You don't think girls can tell 1000000000x miles away when a guy is desperate (and vice versa)?

 

Here's how it breaks down.

 

You lost this one, she wants you as a friend.

 

It is what it is man. Go google pick up artist forum. Learn some things about picking up women, instead of idolizing one and making them your world unnecessarily.

 

It's tough to hear but dude you need to hear it bad. You sound like you think you're in some fairytale movie. This isn't gonna happen, bro.

[MBAFGE]

My dude I'm gonna give you the harsh truth. You tried too hard AND too little (too little because you didn't even go for a kiss).

 

First off, girls don't like guys who are too available and eager. Life isn't The Notebook. You shouldn't have went all out of your way to give her a crazy, unforgettable present. That's something you do when you're married...

 

Should've just got her some chocolates and acted independent. You don't think girls can tell 1000000000x miles away when a guy is desperate (and vice versa)?

 

Here's how it breaks down.

 

You lost this one, she wants you as a friend.

 

It is what it is man. Go google pick up artist forum. Learn some things about picking up women, instead of idolizing one and making them your world unnecessarily.

 

It's tough to hear but dude you need to hear it bad. You sound like you think you're in some fairytale movie. This isn't gonna happen, bro.

 

I see what you are saying, but I have to disagree with almost all of that.

 

First, the kiss. The big reason I didn't go for the kiss because she never dated before. And she flat out said she was nervous about trying when she called me asking me out, because she has never done it before. Going for a kiss on the first date when she was weary to begin with (with her anxiety and all) would have caused nothing but problems. I know you think otherwise, but that's just the way that is. Even I have enough commonsense that if someone is nervous and weary about trying something new like this, you don't make it worse by jumping in too quickly... simple as that. If you convince someone and they are nervous about starting a new running exercise regiment due to inexperience, you don't make them run two miles the first day (****ty metaphor, but hopefully you see what I mean)

 

Second, I didn't do the gift because I was desperate. I did that because I cared about her. If that comes across as "desperate", sorry, but I guess we have different views. Giving chocolate to someone you love is the most generic "gift" on this goddamn planet and comes across to me as lazy, not thoughtful, and almost rude due to the lack of actual thought. (to me at least). It shows no effort or thought in to the gift. To me, it's on the same level of just giving cash in an envelope. You don't do that to someone you love. Or even like. Or just friends even. I know I don't. I make gifts unique. I have for years, not just because of her. For my friends and family as well. For my best friends, I drew them something of their favorite actors or musicians. For my brother, I got him an autographed CD of his favorite musical artist. Did I go a little harder for her? Of course, I love her. But even so, I don't consider that "desperate". My friends who know me all said that it was the best gift ever. They would have said it was desperate if they thought it was. It's not your fault that you don't know me, but the people who do didn't think it was desperate, they thought it was sweet and all that. I did as well. Hell, I even asked them "Is this trying too hard?" or "Is this coming across as desperate?" You might think I'm bull ****ting you, but I'm not. I actually asked those to them. Swear to God. And they all said absolutely not.

 

 

I will not disagree about the whole "wanting me as a friend' thing you said, but I do with the "I lost her" thing. The friendship possibility I fully acknowledge, as I said many, many times this thread. If that's true, **** her. She's doing it for something I explicitly said I didn't want. But if she really wanted me as a purely platonic friend now as you said, she not only wouldn't have said "I have interest in you", but also she most likely wouldn't have come to me to begin with. She's not stupid (far from it) and last time two months ago, I explicitly said to her "We cannot be just friends. I like you and it won't change, so platonic friends isn't going to happen." She wouldn't forget about that. I see your reasoning and I get that, but it just seems wrong. So if she wants just friendship like you're saying, not only would I not accept, but also she wouldn't have said she is interested in me. Like... I can't really say that any other way. I don't know if I'm making sense iPhone, but if not, let me know. I'm genuinely saying that.

 

 

And **** that. I don't want to pick up women just to **** them. I guess I'm just too mature for that. My friends said just go meet someone with the intentions of hooking up as like a "pallet cleanser" months ago. I said no. I don't want that. To me, there is no point in that. Period. Using a girl just because I'm trying to get my mind off one is selfish, immature, and simply dumb. Not to mention it wouldn't solve anything. I'd rather make a meaningful relationship than just get wasting time trying to get off. What's the point in that? Meeting women is one thing, but actively going out with the intentions of hooking up is just retarded to me. I can see the appeal, but it has zero lasting appeal, if that make sense.

 

 

But the "acting independent" and all that...the instigation isn't being done on my end now whatsoever (as I have said multiple times this thread). Simple as that. Granted, with the previous thing of me texting her asking to talk about this. But I have to to see what this is as, again, I have said many many times here. She has instigated contact with me seven times in four days. She never did that when we were just friends. Plain and simple. When we were just friends and she told me "I want you as just a friend" a few months ago, she instigated contact maybe once every two weeks, and that is being generous. Not only that, but she said to me at work that she has interest. So... there we go. Whether or not that it is a lie or not, I won't know until I ask those questions I have mentioned many times this thread as well. But I don't' think she'd lie to me about that. She'd have no reason to because she knows I won't accept platonic friendship.

 

 

In all honesty, it sounds like you didn't read anything past my OP. I'm not accusing you, but I am just telling you what I think. I see what you mean, and I appreciate the reply, but I just have to disagree with 99% of what you said, just by the facts of being in this circumstance. Again, you not being in this situation (i.e., not being me) isn't your fault... obviously. But I just have to respectfully disagree with almost everything you said.

Edited February 17, 2014 by MBAFGE

[WhiteTan]

I see what you are saying, but I have to disagree with almost all of that.

 

First, the kiss. The big reason I didn't go for the kiss because she never dated before. And she flat out said she was nervous about trying when she called me asking me out, because she has never done it before. Going for a kiss on the first date when she was weary to begin with (with her anxiety and all) would have caused nothing but problems. I know you think otherwise, but that's just the way that is. Even I have enough commonsense that if someone is nervous and weary about trying something new like this, you don't make it worse by jumping in too quickly... simple as that. If you convince someone and they are nervous about starting a new running exercise regiment due to inexperience, you don't make them run two miles the first day (****ty metaphor, but hopefully you see what I mean)

 

Second, I didn't do the gift because I was desperate. I did that because I cared about her. If that comes across as "desperate", sorry, but I guess we have different views. Giving chocolate to someone you love is the most generic "gift" on this goddamn planet and comes across to me as lazy, not thoughtful, and almost rude due to the lack of actual thought. (to me at least). It shows no effort or thought in to the gift. To me, it's on the same level of just giving cash in an envelope. You don't do that to someone you love. Or even like. Or just friends even. I know I don't. I make gifts unique. I have for years, not just because of her. For my friends and family as well. For my best friends, I drew them something of their favorite actors or musicians. For my brother, I got him an autographed CD of his favorite musical artist. Did I go a little harder for her? Of course, I love her. But even so, I don't consider that "desperate". My friends who know me all said that it was the best gift ever. They would have said it was desperate if they thought it was. It's not your fault that you don't know me, but the people who do didn't think it was desperate, they thought it was sweet and all that. I did as well. Hell, I even asked them "Is this trying too hard?" or "Is this coming across as desperate?" You might think I'm bull ****ting you, but I'm not. I actually asked those to them. Swear to God. And they all said absolutely not.

 

 

I will not disagree about the whole "wanting me as a friend' thing you said, but I do with the "I lost her" thing. The friendship possibility I fully acknowledge, as I said many, many times this thread. If that's true, **** her. She's doing it for something I explicitly said I didn't want. But if she really wanted me as a purely platonic friend now as you said, she not only wouldn't have said "I have interest in you", but also she most likely wouldn't have come to me to begin with. She's not stupid (far from it) and last time two months ago, I explicitly said to her "We cannot be just friends. I like you and it won't change, so platonic friends isn't going to happen." She wouldn't forget about that. I see your reasoning and I get that, but it just seems wrong. So if she wants just friendship like you're saying, not only would I not accept, but also she wouldn't have said she is interested in me. Like... I can't really say that any other way. I don't know if I'm making sense iPhone, but if not, let me know. I'm genuinely saying that.

 

 

And **** that. I don't want to pick up women just to **** them. I guess I'm just too mature for that. My friends said just go meet someone with the intentions of hooking up as like a "pallet cleanser" months ago. I said no. I don't want that. To me, there is no point in that. Period. Using a girl just because I'm trying to get my mind off one is selfish, immature, and simply dumb. Not to mention it wouldn't solve anything. I'd rather make a meaningful relationship than just get wasting time trying to get off. What's the point in that? Meeting women is one thing, but actively going out with the intentions of hooking up is just retarded to me. I can see the appeal, but it has zero lasting appeal, if that make sense.

 

 

But the "acting independent" and all that...the instigation isn't being done on my end now whatsoever (as I have said multiple times this thread). Simple as that. Granted, with the previous thing of me texting her asking to talk about this. But I have to to see what this is as, again, I have said many many times here. She has instigated contact with me seven times in four days. She never did that when we were just friends. Plain and simple. When we were just friends and she told me "I want you as just a friend" a few months ago, she instigated contact maybe once every two weeks, and that is being generous. Not only that, but she said to me at work that she has interest. So... there we go. Whether or not that it is a lie or not, I won't know until I ask those questions I have mentioned many times this thread as well. But I don't' think she'd lie to me about that. She'd have no reason to because she knows I won't accept platonic friendship.

 

 

In all honesty, it sounds like you didn't read anything past my OP. I'm not accusing you, but I am just telling you what I think. I see what you mean, and I appreciate the reply, but I just have to disagree with 99% of what you said, just by the facts of being in this circumstance. Again, you not being in this situation (i.e., not being me) isn't your fault... obviously. But I just have to respectfully disagree with almost everything you said.

 

I've read all of your posts excluding some of the obnoxiously long ones and I agree with iPhone. Girls all say they like nice guys but deep down, it seems to be a subconscious turn off. Obviously you disagree but where is your approach getting you?

 

I just had the game that girl is playing with you done to me by my ex boyfriend last year and it was an emotional roller coaster. He would call me asking me if I'd ever be willing to try again and then would tell our mutual friends that he only likes me as a friend when I expected him to follow through with his words. He still initiates contact but i really don't think it means anything. seems like the same scenario as your situation. I wonder what kind of things her and her friends say about you.

Edited February 18, 2014 by WhiteTan

[OzHeartache]

Ive learnt this the hard way, Dumped by 2 different girls because "they weren't feeling it" or "feeling the spark".....twice in 6 months

 

 

Let me tell you, there was plenty of spark and they both said so but it went somewhere

 

 

I could argue that they were just chicks that chased the "honeymoon period" feeling and they may well have been but I was that guy, Presents, Flowers, Love notes and always available and non confronting

 

 

I did make them "my world" and my last girl was very independent and career driven....pretty confident this is what turned her off

 

I have to take what I can and learn from it and this is the big key for me from these last couple of relationships........ Don't make yourself too available or nice....yes its stupid and girls should love it......but what iPhone is saying seems to be correct, They like the challenge and they lose interest too quick if they have all of you too soon .......... My lovelife is living proof unfortunately, It sucks, It stings and its so frigging unfair.......But it is what it is

 

 

 

 

 

First off, girls don't like guys who are too available and eager. Life isn't The Notebook. You shouldn't have went all out of your way to give her a crazy, unforgettable present. That's something you do when you're married...

 

 

instead of idolizing one and making them your world unnecessarily.