theodora Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Hi everyone - please help if possible...... i've been seeing a guy for 6 months, and it's the first time i've had a 'serious' - ish relationship since my ex who turned out to be very abusive and it took me a long time to get away from him. my ex lied to every single day, stole money from me, threatened me, hid drugs in the flat, but mainly it was the lies that got to me. it was a very destructive relationship which i felt very bad about having got into. i felt very foolish and ended up miscarrying a baby and being devestated etc. i find that with this new guy i am finding it very very hard to trust him, and it is ruining things. Sometimes it seems to be going well, but then something will happen and i freak out because i just cannot seem to trust him. i find myself feeling very lonely in the relationship, and i'm not sure if it's because i have trust issues OR that he is actually not nice and my instincts are trying to help me not to repeat a pattern. EG are the following 'red flags'? 1. new guy doesn't want to be friends on facebook 'yet' because he feels like it's like a photo album with pictures of his ex girlfriend in , which he wouldn't get off the shelf to show me. i think i understand but i also think, what is he hiding? is he hiding stuff from me? or is he hiding me from someone else? 2. he told me he clears his internet browser every day. My ex used to wipe his text messages every day for similar "reasons" but in the end I discovered it was because he was texting drug dealers. 3. Saying he might call, but he might not because he might 'fall asleep'. i find this hard to understand, as for me falling asleep is something i do quite predictably, ie in bed! is he drinking or using drugs? And this is why he doesn't know if he will pass out or not? 4. he went to stay at his mother's house (he's foreign) and told me we couldn't skype because he 'didn't have privacy'. Then in another conversation he told me their house was big, and when i said 'how come you don't have privacy' he told me that his mother 'didn't like it when he left the room for long periods of time' because she is elderly and clingy because he lives abroad, so when he stays with her he prefers only to skype when she is asleep. 5. he told me he was an animal lover when we first got together, but now he won't let me bring my dog round to his house and admits he doesn't like dogs. i feel like he lied about liking dogs in order to go out with me, but now he seems upset that i bring this up as a problem. Why do people lie in order to get in a relationship? it makes no sense to me if you can't keep the lie uP!!! I just don't know what red flags are anymore. I see them EVERYWHERE, so I have no idea which ones are real and which aren't. Please be brutal. My mind is driving me crazy.
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Women get SOOOO caught up in a man. I think it's as simple as this guy is not the right match for me. NEXT. Why waste time trying to figure out every little thing he does. He doesn't even like dogs and is a liar. NEXT. 4
Arieswoman Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Sorry Theodora, but I think you have answered your own questions. He sounds a bit flaky to me. He can't promise to text because "he might fall asleep"?? He's an animal lover who "doesn't like dogs" ?? I think your gut feelings are correct. You need to move on before you waste any more time with someone who isn't really that bothered about you. 2
Author theodora Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 wow this is so interesting! I honestly thought people would reply saying i was crazy. he tells me i have trust issues, but maybe i don't!! maybe i am actually right!
Arieswoman Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 "Trust issues" my fat aunt, he's the one with issues - about honesty for a start. He's putting you down to justify his unreliable behaviour. He wants you to doubt your gut feelings and your perception of the situation. This is emotional abuse. Please, please, walk away now. Good Luck.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Oh, jebus. This man should be draping himself in a lovely red flag. Six months and he refuses to let you see his FB? He can't Skype from his mom's big house because there's no privacy? He can't be relied upon to phone you because he "might" be sleeping? Why are you wasting your time with this joker? He's obviously hiding something - or someone. NEXT. Edited February 9, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 2
Author theodora Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 thanks guys. this is making me feel much stronger in my own mind. well... strong and also stupid. why have i managed to convince myself otherwise? The facebook thing is weird, right? I KNEW IT WAS! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 thanks guys. this is making me feel much stronger in my own mind. well... strong and also stupid. why have i managed to convince myself otherwise? The facebook thing is weird, right? I KNEW IT WAS! Yes, very. In the begining I can understand not wanting to expose everything. But after six moths, it indicate there's something or someone in there he doesn't want you to see. You mentioned he's foreign. Am I correct in assuming he went home for a holiday and that's when he said he couldn't Skype from his mom's? His explanation makes zero sense. Are you sure he hasn't already got a wife or girlfriend back home?
Author theodora Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Am I correct in assuming he went home for a holiday and that's when he said he couldn't Skype from his mom's? His explanation makes zero sense. Are you sure he hasn't already got a wife or girlfriend back home? Yes he went home for christmas. I'd honestly be surprised if he had a girlfriend or wife, I don't feel like there's other things to suggest that, and he hardly ever goes back to his home country. In 6 months that's the only time he's been back, though he does travel alot, he's bought me gifts from the other places and i've seen photos of him there, so i know he's really been to those places. My suspicion about FB is that for some reason he does not want me to see the pictures, but i can't work out why that would be. In my imagination it's because I look just like her. And basically he isn't over her. Or something like that. I don't know. I just feel so down about it. Lots of the time during the 6 months it's been great, he's made me feel that he is committed, been available, i've been to his house etc etc. He's been kind to me, and warm and aside from these doubts it's been ok. I just can't work out if I'm looking for reasons or making them seem more than they are. But then, there's the facebook thing. I addressed it with him, and he was adamant, and said he wants to take things slowly, and that it's just too soon. And everyone here seems to agree that this is not just in my head, which is making me even more depressed because to be honest - while on one level it's good - on another I feel stupid and like I need to dump him.
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 "And everyone here seems to agree that this is not just in my head, which is making me even more depressed because to be honest - while on one level it's good - on another I feel stupid and like I need to dump him." There's no reason to feel depressed. We are all trying to find the right one and you have to take that chance jumping in and putting yourself out there. When you run into things that don't add up you move on because you're one step closer to finding that right guy and can make better decisions doing it. You actually should be happy it's only been six months. Not everything we get into will work out. This is a part if the process. 1
Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I agree with the other ones, he is not one bit serious. On a last note, I have a dog, and I would drop like a hot potato any man telling me I cannot bring my dog over. I always make it clear, if you ask me to pick between my dog and you, my dog wins. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Oy. I think it's more than you just look like her and that he's not over her - I would be very suspicious that she is still in his life and it would be obvious if you looked at his profile. That could also be why he sometimes already has an excuse ready about not being able to call you. Finally, and admittedly I could be grasping at straws here, his sudden dislike of dogs and not allowing you to bring yours to his house could also be his way of covering his tracks. If there is indeed someone else in his life, they might question why there's stray dog fur or a paw print. Just a thought. You're not going crazy here. It's not you being insecure. It's him being shady and evasive. I wouldn't tolerate it any longer. He's not being honest about something and without honesty and transparency, you can't have a relationship. I'd be done with him. Edited February 9, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 thanks guys. this is making me feel much stronger in my own mind. well... strong and also stupid. why have i managed to convince myself otherwise? The facebook thing is weird, right? I KNEW IT WAS! Your gut feelings were absolutely right. Not adding you on fb after 6 months is SHADY. He just doesn't seem that into you. You were sensible enough to come here and ask for opinions on the matter; this shows you are a lot more switched on than most women. Most women, my old self included, choose to turn a blind eye to numerous red flags. You're certainly NOT just imagining things. You seem to have a good bullshhit radar. You definitely need to break up with him. He will probably be shocked as to WHY. Whatever you do, DO NOT fall for his bullcrap. He will likely plead with you to not dump his a $$. Make SURE you have a strong enough conviction about actually going through with it. 2
Author theodora Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU everyone. my god i can't believe how much better i am feeling already. this is amazing. i actually felt like i was going mad, and being 'suspicious' and now suddenly i remember - i am not a suspicious person! this is exactly the same sh*te my ex used to pull - calling me paranoid when i questioned him about his dodgy behaviour! then i'd go away and feel confused and bad about myself. i just know it is shady, and it's not ok, and i'm not going to put up with it. and Gaeta - yes i totally agree! the weird thing is i was so clear about this in the beginning, i just think any man who really respected other humans would have listened, and if they really didn't like dogs would have told the truth. it's weird because again - the same thing with my ex - i told him 'i don't do drugs' so instead of considering we were incompatible he just hid his drug problem :/ this time it's dogs. FFS. billy joel was right, honesty really is such a lonely word 1
aussietigerwolf Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 his super hero name should be "the great red flag" this guy has to be hiding someone... I dated a guy who did all that crap and I later found out, through his fb page actually that his ex wasn't his ex but still his live in gf.
soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Your gut, based on the tangible and observable evidence seems to suggest that you are right to feel uncomfortable.
Leigh 87 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU everyone. my god i can't believe how much better i am feeling already. this is amazing. i actually felt like i was going mad, and being 'suspicious' and now suddenly i remember - i am not a suspicious person! this is exactly the same sh*te my ex used to pull - calling me paranoid when i questioned him about his dodgy behaviour! then i'd go away and feel confused and bad about myself. i just know it is shady, and it's not ok, and i'm not going to put up with it. and Gaeta - yes i totally agree! the weird thing is i was so clear about this in the beginning, i just think any man who really respected other humans would have listened, and if they really didn't like dogs would have told the truth. it's weird because again - the same thing with my ex - i told him 'i don't do drugs' so instead of considering we were incompatible he just hid his drug problem :/ this time it's dogs. FFS. billy joel was right, honesty really is such a lonely word Good girl! It sounds like you are ACTUALLY taking our advice! I tell you what, most women that come here DO NOT listen to us, and they proceed to stay in relationships with defective men who are lying scumbags! I used to be one of those women! I would make thread after thread about how my bf would do things off, and I would still insist that he must be in love with me, and I stayed with him until HE dumped ME in the end:lmao: PLEASE dump this guy and don't accept anything less than the utmost respect and adoration from a man! 1
Author theodora Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Yeah don't worry I'm taking your advice He texted me today: 'i will try to find time to call today or tomorrow, but it's hard to have privacy at work and i might be too tired when i'm at home' all I thought was: BULLLLLLLLL SHHHHHHHH************** :laugh::laugh::laugh: I have not replied. And nor shall I be. 4
Poppygoodwill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Yeah don't worry I'm taking your advice He texted me today: 'i will try to find time to call today or tomorrow, but it's hard to have privacy at work and i might be too tired when i'm at home' all I thought was: BULLLLLLLLL SHHHHHHHH************** :laugh::laugh::laugh: I have not replied. And nor shall I be. Exactly right! If he can't find the time and energy to call you sometime during the whole day, then you don't need to have time to text him. Even if he's not double dealing you somehow (and I think he is) why would you spend your precious time on earth with a guy who can't be arsed to spend to five minutes on the phone with you at the end of the day? Life. Is. Too. Short. HOld fast. There IS someone better out there for you. 1
HappyLove Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Yeah don't worry I'm taking your advice He texted me today: 'i will try to find time to call today or tomorrow, but it's hard to have privacy at work and i might be too tired when i'm at home' all I thought was: BULLLLLLLLL SHHHHHHHH************** :laugh::laugh::laugh: I have not replied. And nor shall I be. GOOD FOR YOU! He thinks he has found himself a sucker. Oh I might get in touch with you. Jokes on him he doesn't know there's a new and improved you! 2
Author theodora Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I did not reply to the last one. It felt GOOD. Now he has sent another text - this one saying can we chat in the early morning tomorrow or wednesday? Apparently he will be "better rested" in the early morning. Um. Or maybe whoever you are with TONIGHT won't be there! Holding strong. Not replying. Wonder what will happen when I just don't reply?!!!!!! 1
TXGuy Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Good for you on deciding to end things, but perhaps you can tell him it's over rather than just ignoring his texts and calls.
ChatroomHero Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 When you step back it is usually pretty simple, if things don't add up he is not being honest. If he tells you he has no privacy at his mom's house and it was true, it will usually add up at some point...like he'll mention his mom lives in a one room flat...instead of saying he will call you if he doesn't fall asleep, he will say he will call you on his way home. Things have a way of adding up if they are true.
Author theodora Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Good for you on deciding to end things, but perhaps you can tell him it's over rather than just ignoring his texts and calls. TXGuy you are right, if he persists or seems confused of course I will explain, but I'm not going to chase him in order to do it. He has been calling me demanding and paranoid, I don't feel I owe him that much of an explanation. Surely if I'm that demanding and paranoid, he'll just be glad to be rid of me?
TXGuy Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 TXGuy you are right, if he persists or seems confused of course I will explain, but I'm not going to chase him in order to do it. He has been calling me demanding and paranoid, I don't feel I owe him that much of an explanation. Surely if I'm that demanding and paranoid, he'll just be glad to be rid of me? I don't think you owe him an explanation, whether he asks for one or not. That is entirely up to your judgement. But it seems like a six month relationship merits some type of clear ending rather than NC out if the blue. If he stopped pursuing, you could just go NC. but if he continues to try to make contact, giving him a clear sigh things are over seems fitting. Something as simple as 'this is not working for me, we are done' (or something similar). Then explain (or not) as you see fit. 1
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