Gemini x Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 My ex left me about a month ago as most of you have read. He did that whole "I love you..." and then disappeared thing. When he decided to reappear 2 weeks later he blamed me saying I broke up with him because I didn't pine for him like he wanted, I'm guessing. He apparently chose the cowardly way of leaving me and hasn't owned up to what he's done. Anyway, I've been missing him and have realized some of the mistakes I made during our 3 year relationship. I hinted around the last 2 days that I wanted to get back together, or at least meet up and talk about what's happened. However, I've lost my hope. I haven't heard from him since he initiated contact Friday night. I know he's been busy as he just had a death in the family 2 days ago but I'm exhausted and now feel like I'm wasting my time. So, I text him this morning and told him exactly how I feel and that I want to get back together. I told him I'll take his silence as he's not interested and after today I'm leaving it alone. I told him that he's making a mistake and basically wished him best. I told him I'd never again initiate contact or try to get back with him. That was 4 hours ago and he's yet to reply. The funny thing is he's had a horrible life and basically ends up ****ting on everyone that comes in contact with him so after awhile he's lost people that were once there for him. None of his relationships have worked out and he's never really had anyone give a flying **** about him. Except me. I stayed through all the bull****. I tried to see the good in him and love him for those things. Him, his family, everyone knows how much I love him and have been there for him. I was there when he had *nothing* (no car, no job, no house and was living in a shed) and still loved him unconditionally. He truly *is* making a mistake. I, nor anyone else, can see him finding another woman to deal with everything I did nor be there for him when he's at his worst. He'll find a temporary replacement filled with excitement but it won't last. He knows, and has told me, the next one will be a downgrade, and she really will be. Not because I'm better but because of the real love I had for him. It still doesn't hurt any less. I'm still so heartbroken I can barely get through the day. I've been holding onto hope of us talking but that doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon. So, after today I'm letting go. I know, deep in my heart, he'll regret this decision. I just wish it'd happen sooner rather than later.
Author Gemini x Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I still don't understand how a man can be with a woman for over 3 years and just leave her behind like nothing ever happened. How can he not feel? How is it that his heart is not broken, but I feel empty, alone, dead inside? I can't go out right now without busting into tears but I'm sure he's doing soooo dandy. How can he not feel anything? No remorse. No sadness. Not missing me. Absolutely nothing.... someone end my misery, please. I'm dying, slowly. </3
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I still don't understand how a man can be with a you said right herewoman for over 3 years and just leave her behind like nothing ever happened. How can he not feel? How is it that his heart is not broken, but I feel empty, alone, dead inside? I can't go out right now without busting into tears but I'm sure he's doing soooo dandy. How can he not feel anything? No remorse. No sadness. Not missing me. Absolutely nothing.... someone end my misery, please. I'm dying, slowly. </3 All of what you said right here is the PERFECT reason why you should have nothing to do with someone like this! Sounds like he's being emotionally abusive to you. Go no contact and leave this jerk out of your life before you waste another 3 years. The longer you spend wasting time on someone like this the longer it'll take to meet a great man who respects you. It will take a while to get over it but go no contact and leave him alone. It will get better in time but it won't if you don't stop chasing someone who is clearly not worth it. You owe yourself more!
OhThatGirl Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Look. You've posted plenty of big red flags about this guy. He often disappears and expects you to chase. Repeatedly. This isn't healthy for either one of you. You shouldn't have to chase him to prove your love. Sounds like he has a lot to work through before he knows how to have a healthy relationship that he can nurture and treat with respect. Let him sort that out on his own, you can't fix him. Speaking of which, you can't FIX him. It sounds like you poured a lot of energy and effort and love into a complete mess. He needs to be able to do the work himself, not have someone else doing the work for him. A better idea is to step back and figure out why you're so interested in giving so much to someone who apparently can't give you anything in return. You were there to help him get his act together but does it surprise you he can't have a decent relationship when he couldn't get his act together on his own? A big mistake women make is thinking that because we did so much, we cared so much, helped someone rebuild entirely, that we are deserving of a strong relationship for it. This is fallacious thinking. Someone who can give us what we need doesn't require our help to be a productive individual. We can't nurse a broken person back to health and anticipate a healthy relationship for our troubles. Good relationships come from people who know their issues, work to overcome them, and go into a relationship as a fulfilled individual who has something to give a partner. Why are you chasing him? You've seen the pattern. It's destructive. Stop trying to make it work with him. It's a tumultuous relationship that is going to continue until he sees and works on his patterns himself. And.. For crying out loud.. His stepfather committed suicide. Stop trying to work through the issues of this relationship and fix what has been happening for quite some time when this guy has a family crisis going on. But really even after the dust settles from that you're better off not trying to make it work at all. Instead figure out what you gain from being a caretaker. Then put that energy back into yourself and evaluate what you want to see from a partner that is deserving of your love. It's not this guy. 2
Author Gemini x Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I agree with both of you but it's so damn hard. It was the most passionate and exciting relationship but also the most toxic I've ever been in. It's turned me into something I wasn't before getting into it. I know the best thing is to let it go but it hurts. It hurts like hell. I don't know what it is about him that I can't let go of. I've been in relationships before, been married before, but it's never been this hard on me. There's something keeps me chasing him and I hate it. I do love him, he does have some good qualities that I fell in love with, but I can't stop myself. He is like a drug and I've never experienced this before with anyone else. I'm going to go back to NC and let it go but it's so hard. The pain is excruciating.
OhThatGirl Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 You don't know what it is about him? You answered it. He's like a drug, incredible highs and lows. The only way you think you can stop the pain is to have that high again. But just like with drugs, it's not a happily ever after story. This is not based on mutual respect and love, it's based on that withdrawal and getting a fix cycle. It's never going to be a long term happy healthy relationship so it's time to treat this like an addiction and do the hard work up front so you can feel better over the long term rather than just getting another fix. What do drug addicts do? Stop using (aka NC), avoid triggers (aka NC), focus inward on the factors that led them to being an addict in the first place (aka why do you need to be the fixer of this man?) and make an effort each and every day to avoid, grow, heal, rebuild without the addictive substance. Recreating habits to exclude him, create new memories without him, creating coping mechanisms to help you deal with the rough times without him. It's what you need to do. If the other LS posters can do it, you can too. 1
FailedFirstLove Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Reading your thread has made me realize that in also going through that " drug addiction" as well. I wish I could answer the question of why we need this one person. Why we want them so much. Why can't we be happy or live a normal life without them? Surely parents or family would mean more. Yet people continue their lives after a death of a love one. So why can't we let go of this one person... I can see it's not healthy at all to have this addiction. But yes. We cannot help ourselves. I'm just trying to accept it and avoid thinking about him all together. It's SOOOOO HARD!!! But every minute I start to ponder I just tell myself to quit. It doesn't always work. But I've heard if u keep at it. It will get better! hang in there, were all in the same boat. Broken and wanting to fix it. And it seems like the only way is to get them back. But people will tell you. no!
Author Gemini x Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your replies. I appreciate it. I just called and changed my number. Every day that goes by that I don't see a text from him just hurts even worse. Now I don't know whether he's tried contacting me or not. I already feel a little relief that I won't be checking my phone and worrying about it. I need to force myself to the point of indifference. I know that since I've changed my number I won't be contacting him so I guess this is the time for me. The time to realize it's over and I can't ever go back. I do wonder why this happened the way it did. I've been married. I've been in other relationships. I remained friends with most of them because there wasn't any hard feelings. Why did this happen with the one man I loved and cared about the most. The emotions were like nothing I've ever experienced, both good and bad. It's so crazy how someone can be so bad for you but it can be so passionate and "high" at the same time. And I'm not so sure I'll ever feel this way, to the extreme I have, towards anyone else. This has been the craziest emotional relationship of my life thus far. Also, one thing that hurts is our anniversary was on the 9th. That's the same day we broke up. So, for the rest of my life I'll remember the day we got together as the day we also ended. It's soooo ****ed up. I guess I'm on my journey towards indifference. Once I get there I know I'll be fine. Edited February 10, 2014 by Gemini x
Author Gemini x Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Well, I guess I'm Day 1 of NC. I haven't heard from him since Friday night but I did reach out to him yesterday, to no avail. I'm having a hard time at the moment. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to provoke a reply from me last Monday. I was doing well prior to that, NC for 25 days, and since he text me last week I've been a mess since. I've stored all his pictures away and deleted everything out of my phone. If I could only turn my thoughts off that'd be perfect. I just want indifference to get here. I don't want to hurt anymore.
Zahara Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I do wonder why this happened the way it did. I've been married. I've been in other relationships. I remained friends with most of them because there wasn't any hard feelings. Why did this happen with the one man I loved and cared about the most. The emotions were like nothing I've ever experienced, both good and bad. It's so crazy how someone can be so bad for you but it can be so passionate and "high" at the same time. And I'm not so sure I'll ever feel this way, to the extreme I have, towards anyone else. This has been the craziest emotional relationship of my life thus far. Also, one thing that hurts is our anniversary was on the 9th. That's the same day we broke up. So, for the rest of my life I'll remember the day we got together as the day we also ended. It's soooo ****ed up.. You're mistaking toxicity for passion. When a relationship is toxic, you work harder, you feel harder, you crave stronger, you obsess harder, you cling tighter, etc. You're always living on the edge, experiencing almost a level of danger and mystery, making it intense and addictive. The relationships that are of an even keyed nature and generally healthy don't cause the intense highs and lows that a "crazy" or toxic relationship produces. That's why people that thrive on these types of relationships and find them to be "passionate" often are unhealthy themselves. It isn't right when you openly make the statement that this was the most toxic and craziest relationship you had yet you stayed. I hope you did change your number. This isn't good for you. 1
Author Gemini x Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Yes, I did change my number. I knew once I took that step that I'd not contact him and it would no longer hurt me to see he hadn't reached out to me. Let me just say that this relationship was getting toxic over the last few months, but there was a time that we were happy and in love. It wasn't always bad. I made A LOT of mistakes which I know is what initially drove him away so it is technically my fault we're not together. However, he's not perfect by no means. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want another chance because I've realized things I did wrong and would be sure to not make those same mistakes so I'd know, if it didn't work out second time around, that I really gave it my all and we just weren't meant to be. I reached out and he obviously wasn't interested so I've gone NC now. There's nothing else I can do. It's been 2 days NC. I find myself thinking about him nonstop. I wonder what he's doing and who he's doing it with. I try thinking of the bad things about him, and for a super split second, I think I'm going to be fine and he'll end up being someone else's problem and how he'll end up realizing what he lost. Then 2 seconds later my mind goes back to thinking how much I miss him and all of the good things. I've burst into tears on 3 different occasions. This is really hard. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it's just a matter of time until he hits rock bottom and no one is going to be there for him. That's when he'll suddenly think of me and probably want to reach out. I'll probably have reached indifference by then. I did mess up today by looking at his facebook and saw that an hour before he'd "liked" something so I know he was on there today and was saddened when he hadn't sent me a friend request nor a message. So, he's back to being blocked so I don't look anymore. I was honestly the best thing that will probably ever happen to him, even though I did make mistakes (his exs were all cheaters and treated him horrible, one physically abused him) and I just keep telling myself that over and over.
Author Gemini x Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I'm not exactly sure why but I woke up today feeling indifferent. I miss him but I feel, today, that I don't care if we ever speak again or not. I have no desire to reach out to him. Thinking about him today doesn't hurt like it had been. I hope this feeling stays and I don't go back to the pain I was feeling.
Zahara Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I'm not exactly sure why but I woke up today feeling indifferent. I miss him but I feel, today, that I don't care if we ever speak again or not. I have no desire to reach out to him. Thinking about him today doesn't hurt like it had been. I hope this feeling stays and I don't go back to the pain I was feeling. You're going to go up and down. Today you will feel indifferent. Tomorrow will be a different emotion. It's the process of grieving and healing. There are some days you won't give a damn about the prick. Then the next you will be balling your eyes out. And when that happens, it doesn't mean you are having setbacks. It's normal and we've all been through it.
SCJACK Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 You're going to go up and down. Today you will feel indifferent. Tomorrow will be a different emotion. It's the process of grieving and healing. There are some days you won't give a damn about the prick. Then the next you will be balling your eyes out. And when that happens, it doesn't mean you are having setbacks. It's normal and we've all been through it. It sucks so much... having ups and down, it's a roller coaster... just wish it would end sooner.
Author Gemini x Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 I've done pretty well today but I'm feeling a little emotional right now. Reading the stories on here of ex's getting with new partners has me feeling a little blue. God, I'll be soooo glad when I no longer give a ****. I'd rather say fk this than ever go back and go through the god-awful pain again I've endured for a month now. I've been in NC for 3 days now and the desire to reach out to him is fading. I'm starting to get into the anger phase. If he wants to talk he'll have to find me and even then I've been so hurt I don't think I'll want to speak to him. Just venting here. A little sad, mad, hurt, relieved. It's a mix going on tonight.
JunkYardDog Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 You were in a toxic relationship with more than likely a psychologically dysfunctional person. I am coming out of an almost 4 year term with one and it is the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life (Im 48). Everyone is right, except it is not like a drug, it IS a drug......literally, oxycotin and peptides are produced in your brain because of the highs and lows. You have been trained to want them and now that you arent getting them you brain is withdrawing. The pain you feel is real. The same parts of your brain that react to physical pain are at play here, it is no different. I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel. Its been over 6 weeks NC for me and it still is torture. As much as I hate to say it, you are in for a long ride. Be strong,,,,,,hugs n prayers to you.
Author Gemini x Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 You were in a toxic relationship with more than likely a psychologically dysfunctional person. I am coming out of an almost 4 year term with one and it is the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life (Im 48). Everyone is right, except it is not like a drug, it IS a drug......literally, oxycotin and peptides are produced in your brain because of the highs and lows. You have been trained to want them and now that you arent getting them you brain is withdrawing. The pain you feel is real. The same parts of your brain that react to physical pain are at play here, it is no different. I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel. Its been over 6 weeks NC for me and it still is torture. As much as I hate to say it, you are in for a long ride. Be strong,,,,,,hugs n prayers to you. I read your story. I'm sorry you're going through it. We all know, all too well, what it feels like. It feels like it will never end. I'm 31 and my ex is 35, btw. I do believe my ex has issues stemming from childhood. Being emotionally abandoned by his mother, being physically abused by his father. Both of whom are deceased now. His only brother killing himself. All of his past girlfriends basically cheated on him. He was led to believe he had a daughter only to find out after signing the birth certificate she isn't his. His whole life has seemed to be a complete mess so I know it's fkd him up. It's a shame he decided to throw me away. I really did... do... love and care for him. I wasn't the greatest gf in the world but I did love him unconditionally and I know he'll not find that again. Not with the way his life has been and the way he's messed up. He may be happy right now without me, who knows, but it won't last for him. He *will* hit rock bottom, it's just a matter of time. I was doing so well yesterday and then last night I started getting emotional. Today, my emotions are all over the place. I'm really missing him today. If I could see him, hug him.. just talk to him, but I know I can't. I'm wanting so badly to break NC but I'm not. I don't want to go through that again. This sucks sooooo bad. It's funny how you think you're alone in this only to come on here and see how many people are going through the same agonizing pain. Today is going to be a long, hurtful, day for me.
Author Gemini x Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 As most of you know my ex left me. He text me on Jan 9th saying "i love you" and then disappeared. He showed up 2 weeks later, on facebook, blaming me for the BU because I didn't chase him while he was gone. He pulled this **** before so I wasn't pining for him like he wanted. I shouldn't have to prove my love that way so I let him go.... (i post this at the beginning of my posts for ppl who don't know my story) It's hard to say the exact date of our BU, because no one officially broke it off, but I'm guessing somewhere around 5 weeks ago. I know he wanted out of the relationship which is why he bailed. Blaming me and saying I broke up with him made it easier for him I suppose. I did the whole begging and pleading for about 3 days but after that I said fu*k it. Anyway, I haven't heard from him in 8 days and I've been NC for 6. It's hard but I'm making it. I changed my number 6 days ago and have blocked him everywhere so it's hard for him to reach out to me even if he wanted to. He could still call my house phone but doing so means he'd have to actually talk to me and I'm sure that's the last thing he wants to do right now. If he did, it'd be like WW3 and he knows this. If he was even thinking of trying to reconcile or even speak to me, it'd be after the dust settles. I was signed into my brothers account on facebook last night, and ended up looking at my ex's profile. I don't know why as most of it is private. He still has all of our photos on his facebook and has been on since our BU yet didn't remove them. I know that if he was seeing someone my pictures would NOT be on his facebook. He's not the type to have things like that when dating someone new. He kind of wipes out that history. It was hard seeing the pics of us, as I've transferred all of them over to my online album so I don't look at them. In a way I feel relieved that he still has them but sad at the same time. I won't be looking again anytime soon and am glad when I did I wasn't hurt worse than I already have been. Anyway, feeling kind of sad today, of course, but I'm doing alright. I'm maintaining NC and moving forward.
Author Gemini x Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 All I want to do is be able to play some Call of Duty (we played it together) without thinking about my ex. *grr*
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