DaveBD Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Hello. I am new to this site but have been reading it for a while now. My wife and I separated in October 2013, and she wants a divorce. We have been married for 5 years, I am 43 and she is 41. We had both been married previously to other people. There is no abuse, or drugs / alcohol or anything like that. The issue is lack of intimacy and unforfilled needs. She first brought it to my attention in April of last year - I noticed that she did not look happy and asked what was wrong, at first she said nothing, then I asked her again and she said to me "what do you bring to this relationship?" I was stunned; I answered her stability, loyalty, trust. Then she went on about feeling that I neglected things around the house; I always took care of the yard, shoveling snow, stuff like that, and then she went on about other little things that I had let go, and then lack of her feeling intimacy. I suggested that we should go to counseling to get things out & she refused. We both are guilty of holding our emotions in for the fear of not wanting to hurt each other. She even suggested that I move out, which I did not/. I tried to be more attentive and help her do things around the house. Later in the year she started about it again in August, and I completely lost it - crying, broke down. Then in October she told me to leave and that she was filing for divorce. I again suggested counseling and she said no. Things got really bad after that - I ended up in the hospital for a few days. About a week after that I had sent her a letter expressing my feelings and how sorry I was, I did not directly mention counseling in it. We met for dinner a day or so later and she informed me that she still wanted a divorce but now wants to go to counseling to find out why we both keep failing in marriages. We both have been going to individual & joint counseling since about mid-Nov. the counselor recommend that we do a structured separation with a period of no contact. My wife didn't like that so we never did it. We went out a few times after that & eve went to her parents for Christmas, but she still wants a divorce. I did get the ilybnily and wants to friends. Through out this entire time I have told her that I will go at her pace and give her time. Of course like most, I did the things that you shouldn't do - beg, cry, plead, etc. I now know better having read various articles on line and through counseling. I do get mixed signals from her - 2 weeks ago after our last joint counseling session she said to me in the parking lot that she needs time and that I keep telling her that I'll go at her pace (but she said we are still getting divorced), I don't understand that. Our counselor says she wants to have here cake and eat it too. One last thing, she was diagnosed with co dependency as a result of first husband's drinking problem. She feels that she always has to take charge and be in control. I am so confused and lost. I feel that the only reason we are going to couples counseling is to make me ok with divorce and trying to make me be ok with just friends. Sorry for the long story - I could have put in more examples of the mixed signals, but those can wait for another time. Thanks for listening. Dave
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Let me lay to rest a common misconception people have about Counselling: People believe Counselling is there to save marriages. It isn't. It can only be saved if both people want to save it. She clearly doesn't. To my mind, as a woman, she's not been giving you mixed signals. She told you ages ago what she wanted. A divorce. You keep pushing for counselling and refusing to give up, because you believe counselling is to save your marriage. Counselling is there to level the playing field and enable people to discuss what ails them, try to get to the root of the problem, and see a clear way of coming to an understanding, but that doesn't necessarily mean saving the marriage. She doesn't want to save it. She's trying to appease you and go along with your plans to try to keep you happy, but I hate to say this: She checked out ages ago. I'm sorry, but the only one invested in trying to salvage this is you. She's not on your page at all. Sad to say, you need to cut loose.
Author DaveBD Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Thanks for responding. Yes she has maintained of wanting a divorce, but wants to maintain some kind of relationship (best friends), but hasn't ruled out a future intimate relationship. She admitted two weeks ago that she has allot of feelings and emotions that she is dealing with and needs time. We are on a no contact period right now as per the direction of our counselor. Even though we have been separated, we had been in almost daily contact. The counselor said that has to stop.
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Thanks for responding. Yes she has maintained of wanting a divorce, but wants to maintain some kind of relationship (best friends), Sadly, you will have to tell her that's not possible, and that you can't allow it. Full stop end of story. (Do you guys have kids together....?) but hasn't ruled out a future intimate relationship. Pardon my language - screw that. THis is a complete and total no-no. If this is what your Counsellor means by her being a cake-eater, they're correct. And this is part of her control issue. She is dictating terms, and that's frankly, unacceptable. Do not let yourself be swayed or tempted by this. It's outrageous.... She admitted two weeks ago that she has allot of feelings and emotions that she is dealing with and needs time. Then give her all the time she needs. But on her own. We are on a no contact period right now as per the direction of our counselor. Even though we have been separated, we had been in almost daily contact. The counselor said that has to stop Quite right. Please read the No Contact Guide in my signature/link. That will tell you exactly what you need to know, and what you have to do, in order to make it a success. The chief implementer of NC, will be you. She's the 'Dumper'. Implementing NC will give you complete control over you. Do it.
Author DaveBD Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 We do not have any children. We have a joint counseling on Tues. I should also mention that both my wife and I have been going to counseling separately and jointly. She is the one who now makes the couples counseling appts. At our last session I agreed with divorce that it is probably best. The counselor then asked if we could start the divorce paperwork and my wife did a left turn and said what goodis filing papers going to be shouldn't we figure out how we are going to have some kind of relationship? See what I mean about confusion & mixed signals.
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 If I were you, I would secure papers, and fill them out, and give them to her. See. she's exerting control again. Take the reins. It's probably what she needs to make her focus. I'm not saying this divorce will be completed. What I am saying is that it will serve to get asses of fences. if you will.
Author DaveBD Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Could this all just be a control thing? And could her codependency have anything to do with it. Just asking. When we go to counseling this week I am again going to agree to the divorce.
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Don't 'agree to the divorce' - Take filled-out papers, and serve them. Make it 'real'. Let her face the reality of her decisions. I don't know whether this is just the control thing. All I know is she's unhappy, and stated she wanted out, but that she has 'side issues'. They're not for you to diagnose, assess, discern or navigate. They are her problems. She needs a therapist to help her get through that. You are not her therapist, neither should you be. All you need to do is to evaluate what is happening, directly, and deal with it.
Ronni_W Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Dave. For god's sake do yourself a favour. Try Marriage Builders. Then you may have a better idea what she was talking about as far as lack of intimacy and what you did not "bring to the relationship". Now email her a copy of those same emotional needs and say/ask, "I'm getting the idea this is what you were missing. Is that accurate and can you please help me? I want to know this stuff about you but I'm clueless to get to any understanding without your input." Just do it like that, Dave. I mean. Use your own words if you want to but don't stray too far from the message. I am passionate about making marriages work. I hope this will help yours. Best of luck. Edited February 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Commercial content redacted. 1
Author DaveBD Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Ronni: I checked the info you told me about. That pretty much nails it - the lack of affection, and intimate moments. As I said she has told me that she loves me but not in love with me because I didn't show her enough affection or pushed her away at times. Not bc I didn't love her or anything like that; which this seems to be a common theme with a lot of marriage issues that I have been reading about. She is not sure that she can get those feelings back.
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