alittledesperate Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Ex does not want contact to be broken. Tried no contacts with her before. None worked. I can't really break it. She does not want to let go or something? Then, recently, while together, a chat message came into her phone. It was an endearment from a guy. I forced the phone from her hand. Read through. Nothing too suggestive. Moreover, I've had chats filled with endearment with friends. She said it's nothing. That they are just friends but close. Ok, I asked her days later, she said they are just friends and nothing more. Well, I trust her. Yeah, the question is why am I trusting my ex, right? That's why it's crazy. We are still talking and eating into each other. Worsening our wounds. I want it to work. She says she has some doubts. But she's not much of a talker and stuff. The whole thing started from me not giving her attention while preparing for exams. I have overapologized and stuffs. She said her getting over me was working during university break. But now that we are seeing each other virtually every day, it is no longer working. What do you guys really really think the way out of this?
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 You're either together as a couple or you're not. being a couple means doing things together, going out together, making plans together, and having sex together. if most of the above has not happened, she is 'friend-zoning' you and basically keeping you around as a convenience. if you want to implement NC, then do it. But the onus and responsibility is ON YOU to maintain it and not break it. if you implement it and she keeps banging on the door, refusing to accept it - then it's up to you to completely ignore that, not respond, react or reply. If you do any of the above - YOU have broken NC, not her. if you want NC - make it happen. But if you still have feelings for her, then friendship is completely, totally out of the question. Read the No Contact Guide in my Signature/link. And if you implement it, then keep it.
Author alittledesperate Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 You're either together as a couple or you're not. being a couple means doing things together, going out together, making plans together, and having sex together. if most of the above has not happened, she is 'friend-zoning' you and basically keeping you around as a convenience. if you want to implement NC, then do it. But the onus and responsibility is ON YOU to maintain it and not break it. if you implement it and she keeps banging on the door, refusing to accept it - then it's up to you to completely ignore that, not respond, react or reply. If you do any of the above - YOU have broken NC, not her. if you want NC - make it happen. But if you still have feelings for her, then friendship is completely, totally out of the question. Read the No Contact Guide in my Signature/link. And if you implement it, then keep it. Thanks, TaraMaiden. We go out together. But not really settled into making full plans together. As for sex, I don't believe in sex before marriage. I'll read your guide. Thanks again.
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I've just read your past threads. You're invested in this. She absolutely, clearly isn't. You sound for all the world like a forlorn puppy on a leash, just following on, hoping for a change of heart. Jeesh, man! She dumped you!! Grow a spine, implement No Contact and distance yourself from her! I'm sorry, but you're less a friend and more fast taking on the guise of 'doormat'....!
Author alittledesperate Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Then, I'd really appreciate tips on spinning it and beating her at the 'friendzoning' if that is what she is doing.
Author alittledesperate Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Well, I am quite invested in it. But I look at how to gradually 'uninvest:.
TaraMaiden Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Then, I'd really appreciate tips on spinning it and beating her at the 'friendzoning' if that is what she is doing. Well, I am quite invested in it. But I look at how to gradually 'uninvest:. I've just told you. Read the NC Guide and implement it, 100%, 100% of the time. No ifs buts maybes or prevarications, variations or diversions. That's it. She's YOUR EX. Treat her like one.
Author alittledesperate Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) Really, all I want is to get to a point where I would be friends with my ex and cringe at the idea of being with her. What I have seen is that no contact inflates their value and drags one down the moment it is broken. Can't one have the courage to stay and face it all? Anyone has tips on moving on while still speaking with ex, while still around? Basically, how can you downgrade someone to a friend? Because I really can't afford all the energy of demonising someone because they don't want to be with me. Edited February 10, 2014 by alittledesperate
RDawg Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Ooh, can of worms. You're not going to get much support with this kind of mission around here. I am also looking for an alternative. Apparently very few people have remained in contact and still moved on as quickly as possible. All it does is prolong the healing process apparently. When I went through my previous breakup I stayed in contact with the desire to get her back and there were times I remember where it was really hard. In my current situation I am so tempted to try and meet with my ex and ask that we can still see each other from time to time. Deleting someone from ones life feels so artificial and contrived. If one could still see the person, but now see them in a different light, ie. now as a friend, it might be helpful in changing ones perspective. Coming to terms with the fact that this person no longer loves you, but does not have to be dead to you, might be less traumatic than No Contact which I find leaves me wondering what the other person is thinking and sometimes allows me fantasies of reconciliation. This kind of thing would require tremendous honesty and maturity by both parties. Obviously if your ex really wants you out of their life for good then it's straight forward. I don't know.. my fear of being turned down keeps me from reaching out. I would love to see her again one day but right now might still be too soon. I think the longer one waits the more likely the other person will accept the invitation to meet up.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Really, all I want is to get to a point where I would be friends with my ex and cringe at the idea of being with her. That's called 'benign indifference'. It's mentioned in the NC Guide.... What I have seen is that no contact inflates their value and drags one down the moment it is broken. Can't one have the courage to stay and face it all? Anyone has tips on moving on while still speaking with ex, while still around? No, none. because while you remain connected to her, you remain involved. And while you remain involved, your heart cannot heal. It's like having stitches put into a wound, and then just ripping them out with your teeth again. You either have to give your heart a chance to completely 'get over' that person, or invest in having it repeatedly broken. Why would you want to do that? Other than the fact you're too weak to contemplate the fact that she HAS dumped you, does NOT want to go out with you any more, and yes, it is OVER? You need to sepatate, and let yourself heal. And continually seeing her, isn't going to permit that, even to a fraction. Is that clearer for you? Basically, how can you downgrade someone to a friend? By not being in love with them. You cannot be in love with someone and accept a simple level of friendshiop. See above. Because I really can't afford all the energy of demonising someone because they don't want to be with me. I see that in fact, you HAVEN'T read the NC Guide. Either that, or you haven't understood it. You don't have to 'demonise' her. You don't have to hate her or stop loving her, either. You just have to put yourself, and your broken heart, first, because that's all you can logically do. If you deny yourself the golden opportunity to heal, move on and look after yourself, you will never advance beyond this very point. Ever. No Contact is a 'selfish' premise in that you put their apparent needs, second to yours. Them contacting you is 'their need'. You not responding, matters more, and is yours. No Contact is 'cold turkey' for the heart, and the withdrawal symptoms actually physically do hurt. They do, we get that. But you have to put the shoulder to the boulder, and ride the storm, buddy. Or else, you will never, ever heal. You seriously want that? 1
Author alittledesperate Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 That's called 'benign indifference'. It's mentioned in the NC Guide.... No, none. because while you remain connected to her, you remain involved. And while you remain involved, your heart cannot heal. It's like having stitches put into a wound, and then just ripping them out with your teeth again. You either have to give your heart a chance to completely 'get over' that person, or invest in having it repeatedly broken. Why would you want to do that? Other than the fact you're too weak to contemplate the fact that she HAS dumped you, does NOT want to go out with you any more, and yes, it is OVER? You need to sepatate, and let yourself heal. And continually seeing her, isn't going to permit that, even to a fraction. Is that clearer for you? By not being in love with them. You cannot be in love with someone and accept a simple level of friendshiop. See above. I see that in fact, you HAVEN'T read the NC Guide. Either that, or you haven't understood it. You don't have to 'demonise' her. You don't have to hate her or stop loving her, either. You just have to put yourself, and your broken heart, first, because that's all you can logically do. If you deny yourself the golden opportunity to heal, move on and look after yourself, you will never advance beyond this very point. Ever. No Contact is a 'selfish' premise in that you put their apparent needs, second to yours. Them contacting you is 'their need'. You not responding, matters more, and is yours. No Contact is 'cold turkey' for the heart, and the withdrawal symptoms actually physically do hurt. They do, we get that. But you have to put the shoulder to the boulder, and ride the storm, buddy. Or else, you will never, ever heal. You seriously want that? Thank you TaraMaiden. After using my ATM stupidly the day after Valentine to buy her gifts, travelling miles to see her and take her to a national museum, then a fancy restaurant, and only for the day to end very badly, I finally realized the wisdom in your words. The speed with which the day melted down was more than Usain Bolt. And I just turned into this irrational nuisance...really ashamed of myself. I called her last night thirty times without her picking. No contact is the only way for me to get out of this mess. Oh yes, I have blocked her online. All ways. I have also used Avast security on her phone number. Thanks again, TaraMaiden.
Reels Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 You need to be little bit stronger. And concentrate on rest of the things. Even if its hard, you have to. You will know about the outcome, anytime soon or later.
Author alittledesperate Posted February 16, 2014 Author Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) Well, fellas, what did I do? I, the dumpee, summoned the courage and told my ex I no longer love her just after she said she is not giving me her love. My chest burns a little. But well, yes, my emotions that have been making a fool of me now know where I stand. I feel better, yeah. Edited February 16, 2014 by alittledesperate
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