azureskies Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Ok, hey new here, basically really just need some advice and to figure this out. I'll try and keep this brief. Best mate of 5 years and my other best mate of 3 years begun talking. I knew they would both talk about me to begin their friendship as I was their mutual best friend. Found out through other people that they had said a lot of mean things about me. They had made a deal to tell each other everything I said. They discussed my personal life, my parents wanting to seperate, my sexuality (he didn't know completely - and as he was my "best bro" I felt it was something I would tell him in time, not something he should hear through someone else). I know these are things they discussed because I would tell one mate and not the other, and a week later the same words would come out of the other mate's mouth. When I confronted them, they got on the defensive. "If you don't trust me, don't bother talking to me". "You're delusional, paranoid", "the fact you don't trust me shows how much you care". It saddens me because they would say to my face "you're like my little brother" or "you know you can always tell me these things", and it felt like I was just being used to better their own friendship -as if they developed their friendship through putting me down. I stopped talking to them both. The friend of 5 years doesn't care, I've put her out of the equation because she genuinely didn't care, she even told my mutual friends that I was "exaggerating" what she did. I do not plan on ever seeing her again. The second friend still wants to be my friend, he showed remorse and apologised (albeit not a complete one), he still wants to be friends, every time I try to move on he will come back a week or a month or two months later asking to be friends or saying he misses the old times. I am going to be in his city in a few months time, do I meet up with him or not? The last thing he said was something along the lines of that I'm a great bro and we'll make memories in the summer. I do believe he's shown remorse because he messaged me two months later saying this, and you don't say that two months later unless it had been on your mind or you feel guilty. I do believe in second chances, I just don't think I could ever have a healthy relationship with someone when it feels like they're taking notes and discussing me the minute I leave the room. It just sucks trying to move on from your two best friends, and feeling really betrayed that they don't seem to give a **** until I had actually found out. The thing is, even though I know I deserve better, this is a friend I graduated school with, travelled the world with, we trusted eachother with everything til this, do you think the friendship can ever go back to normal? Thanks in advance, needed some opinion on it...
preraph Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Well, normally I say if someone betrays you, move on as they will only keep betraying you. But in my mind, it's a tad unrealistic to expect friends not to talk about you. Not sure what mean things they said, and maybe that's important, just how mean they were or if you had one of them sworn to secrecy over something or not. I mean, if it was really mean disgusting things they said, then okay, maybe not a good friend. But if it was true things that weren't sworn to secrecy and can't hurt you in the real world, well, it's just gossiping. If you let the 3-yr person go, then at this point you shouldn't care what they think in case your 5-yr guys keeps gossiping to them, right? Because you don't care about them anymore. So unless you are afraid of someone seriously messing up your reputation or work or a relationship with someone, try it again with the 5 year one who apologized, but keep your antennae up for future betrayals.
VeronicaRoss Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I wish I had answers for you. I'm sorry you've been betrayed so badly, we don't need more of that in the world. People are very complex. It's rare to find people you feel that special bond with, and we all naturally want to give them chances to make mistakes. But this is pretty big, they ganged up on you and told your deepest secrets. Did they at least tell you they were sorry and apologize? I think what is important is you do what gives you dignity for the long term, that's what you're going to feel good about. As hard as it is in the short term to let go of people who mean a lot, if they seem not to be on your side it's important that you protect yourself. One thing I can say for sure, making good solid decisions and hanging out with people you can trust pays off big. Interesting thing about time is you'll see their inability to be trustworthy is going to cause them some kind of big trouble down the line. That was my experience anyway.
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