Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) [FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. I am looking forward to hear your input on my situation and sharing my experience in different sections of your forum. Last July I (48 yo) started dating someone (46 yo). We had an amazing time together. After a few months he told me he was madly in love with me and I reciprocated I was as well. He introduced me to all of his friends, family and to his 2 children. I introduced him to my daughter and family. Everybody was impressed with him. He is a good man, shy and reserved, honest and devoted to me and our relationship. Him and I are not in the habit of introducing dates to our family unless it's serious. I had not introduced someone in 10 years, he had not done it in 6 years since his divorce. Before the Holidays he told me he had to leave the country till August. It was a big shock, but we talked and decided we could make it through together. We talked about how we would communicate, he'd get a phone at the moment he'd get there, etc. So he left last January 4th. He went on a small Caribbean Island to built a house for his family. He worked at the same company for 20 + years so his boss granted him a leave of absence till August. So, the problem is, I heard from him twice in 1 month. He emailed when he landed there and again 3 weeks ago saying nothing was wrong he was very busy, a lot is going on and he can't make it to a computer as often as he wishes. He never called and I was never given a number as he said he'd do as soon as he gets there. People around me are all upset at him for not keeping regular contacts with me. They all want me to move on. As for me, I am a woman in love, lost and hurt, and just wanting answers. This is a big project for him, he said it was a life dream to build this house, he saved all his life for it. Could he just be too absorbed with this dream? Is 3 weeks with no news too soon to conclude he's forgotten about me? I know nothing else, I don't know where he stays, don't know if he has Internet, don't know if he has a phone. It's hard to make a good judgment call. Thank you for reading. [/sIZE][/FONT] Edited February 9, 2014 by Gaeta
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I think a man who is so madly in love with you as you say would be able to find time to call his love EVERY DAY! Is he trapped on Gilligan's Island? It's 2014 no excuse for not being able to call you every day even just to say hi or good night. I'm betting there had to be other red flags before this. 1
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 No red flags at all. That is why I am so confused. I am not young and new at dating or relationships, I know a red flag when I see one, or yellow flags for that matter.
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 "I know nothing else, I don't know where he stays, don't know if he has Internet, don't know if he has a phone." This is strange, very basic information that a girlfriend would know. Do you think it's possible he never really saw you as a serious girlfriend? Maybe you were more invested than him. Some people think because they met the family that means something but a lot of times it doesn't. Actions speak louder than words and getting in touch twice in a month with someone you are soo in love with seems to be saying a lot.
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Gaeta, THERE ARE HUGE RED FLAGS! HUGE! Come down from the clouds and think woman! "I know nothing else, I don't know where he stays, don't know if he has Internet, don't know if he has a phone." How is this possible? He has no way of communicating with you and he wants a LDR and he's serious about you??? No frickin' way! He's only communicated with you 2x since he left? What?! "No red flags at all. That is why I am so confused. I am not young and new at dating or relationships, I know a red flag when I see one, or yellow flags for that matter." Sorry, honey, but BS. You are "in love" and it is clouding your senses big time! I hope he gets that info and a plan of communication to you very soon as he should have done by now and could possibly have even prior to leaving. Someone who is in love with you will have a reliable, consistent plan for communication. EASY. He is not THAT busy. 4
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 When he introduced me to his friends, and his children, on our way there he said to me that If he's bringing me into his world it's because I mean the world to him and he takes our relationship very seriously. He would never do that with a casual relationship.
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Soccerrprp, I was referring to before he left, there were no red flags that he was not serious about our relationship.
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 When he introduced me to his friends, and his children, on our way there he said to me that If he's bringing me into his world it's because I mean the world to him and he takes our relationship very seriously. He would never do that with a casual relationship. Sorry, but this doesn't change the issue at hand. People introduce their gfs/bfs during relationships and often times that doesn't lead to anything. He is either insensitive, indifferent or not THAT serious about you after all. No, no not TOO BUSY. Don't buy that! The other HUGE RED FLAG: You've been dating since July and he doesn't tell you that he's leaving until just before the holidays?????!?!!!!! And a few weeks later, he's gone??????????
KatZee Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) You're not in love with this man. You're "in infatuation" with this man. Love comes after knowing the good and bad aspects of a person, going through rough times and emerging stronger. Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice you make to someone. What you feel now, the lust, the longing, the want, all of this heavy stuff? Infatuation. All you've seen is the show this man has put on. Being so amazing. And charming. I think that's a huge red flag in and of itself. I think you've fallen for one gigantic act. You have very cloudy judgment, and you're making excuses for this guy. He went off to some Caribbean island and you really haven't heard from him since. How is this a relationship? What is he doing to show you that you're a priority to him? He's building his own island resort right now, he's not in Guam. They do have internet and phones and computers and pay phones and calling cards, and internet cafes in the Caribbean. He, after all, has taken time out of his "oh so busy life" to communicate with his children, eat, sleep, shower, take a s.hit, enjoy the island. He can't take 5 minutes of out his day to contact you AT LEAST once a week? Let's be real here. I wouldn't be waiting at all. No contact in 3 weeks? It's done. Edited February 9, 2014 by KatZee
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Some other red flags: Before the Holidays he told me he had to leave the country till August. It was a big shock If you were so in love and he's so honest how on Earth is this a shock, you mean to tell me he's never mentioned he'd be leaving the country for nearly a year? He must have knew this was in the works for a while. This is a big project for him, he said it was a life dream to build this house, he saved all his life for it. Seems like this life dream was a shocker to you as well. Why wouldn't you know this? I met some jerk in Starbucks who told me his dream within 15 minutes. Last but not least and maybe the biggest red flag of them all: Since you have no idea of where he is exactly at this moment, it's safe to assume he didn't invite the woman he is so in love with to even come visit. Flags would be waving something fierce in the wind if my man told me he was going to the Caribbean for nearly a year and he wasn't making plans for me to visit. I say all this to say maybe you don't know him as well as you think and maybe things aren't as serious on his end. Sounds like he's doing the fade or ridiculously insensitive. 1
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 You're not in love with this man. You're "in infatuation" with this man. Love comes after knowing the good and bad aspects of a person, going through rough times and emerging stronger. Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice you make to someone. What you feel now, the lust, the longing, the want, all of this heavy stuff? Infatuation. I know the difference between love and infatuation. All you've seen is the show this man has put on. Being so amazing. And charming. I think that's a huge red flag in and of itself. I think you've fallen for one gigantic act. There were no act, he suffers from severe shyness. When I met his friends the ladies told me he had spent the last 3 years playing soccer and watching tv, he's extremely shy. They tried to match him up with single women they know but the ladies found him too shy and not aggressive enough. You have very cloudy judgment, and you're making excuses for this guy. He went off to some Caribbean island and you really haven't heard from him since. How is this a relationship? What is he doing to show you that you're a priority to him? He's building his own island resort right now, he's not in Guam. They do have internet and phones and computers and pay phones and calling cards, and internet cafes in the Caribbean. That's what I keep telling myself He, after all, has taken time out of his "oh so busy life" to communicate with his children, eat, sleep, shower, take a s.hit, enjoy the island. He can't take 5 minutes of out his day to contact you AT LEAST once a week? I spoke to his 21 yo daughter and she said she rarely heard from him since he's gone and that is not like him.
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 HappyLove, yes I was not happy about him not telling me he had plans to leave the country for so long. He told me at the time we met it was not concrete enough to mention it. He did mentioned in October he was planning on leaving for the Carribean after the Holidays, I asked when or for how long and he said there were too many uncertainties to give me details yet. He had made an offer on a land and did not know if it would be accepted and he did not know if his boss would agree to his leave. It never crossed my mind it was a 7 month project. Also I forgot to mentioned, yes he invited me to go see him, I was planning to go there end of March but the way he's been handling communication just throws me off.
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 It never crossed my mind it was a 7 month project. An extremely important detail whether he knew it was going to happen or not. Did he introduce you to his family before this time? Before he mentioned the trip at all? I could see him holding back on the project details so as to not lose you at that time. I can also see him holding onto details (he clearly knew it was going to be a months-long project) to keep you around until he could go. Also I forgot to mentioned, yes he invited me to go see him, I was planning to go there end of March but the way he's been handling communication just throws me off. He invites you and then POOF, not plan for communication??? Again, RED FLAG. I don't think he was serious about the invitation. He probably knew that he was going to limit communication so as to not have to revisit or properly plan for such a trip.
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Well screw him, this is about YOU! Now you have to ask yourself is this someone I want to be with? Is this how I'll allow myself to be treated? I read your post again and he's never even called you only 2 emails! You need to have a serious talk with him. He surely doesn't seem to be including you in his life. I mean this isn't even a relationship at this point.
StanMusial Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Let him do what he has to do. I didn't date for two years because I bought a farm. You've known him for 6 or 7 months? This could be something he has worked towards for years. If it is meant to be he will come back for you.
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Let him do what he has to do. I didn't date for two years because I bought a farm. You've known him for 6 or 7 months? This could be something he has worked towards for years. If it is meant to be he will come back for you. Stan, You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't date. This guy is in a relationship with the OP. Literally surprises her with a 7-month project and doesn't communicate but 2x? This guy is whacked. I think the OP would be crazy not to move on if this guy doesn't come up with reliable schedule for communication.
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 An extremely important detail whether he knew it was going to happen or not. Did he introduce you to his family before this time? Before he mentioned the trip at all? He introduced me to his friends and children before telling me about the long leave. I introduced him to my daughter (26) a few months ago, as for my family, because of everyone's schedule, no opportunities came up before the Holidays. So when the Holidays dinners started poring in I asked him if he wanted to be introduced now or wait his return in August and he said now, and doing this would also be a way of showing me we're 'seriously together' even if he leaves. If he had no intention of continuing after his departure I don't know why he put himself through this. Especially I gave him the choice. We're from different cultures, English is not my first language, my family does not speak English fluently, so he put himself through several holiday dinners with a bunch of French speaking people.
Iguanna Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Why don't you write him an e-mail expressing these feelings? He will eventually read it. Do this first and wait for his response and the actions that will (or will not) follow. Tell him that you understand that he's busy but you want to have some contact with him cause you miss him and it will be the reason to wait for him till August. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Okay. Just b/c he met your family doesn't mean a whole lot. Not since this....do as Iguanna says. Email his butt and see if he responds and how. Give him a day or two to respond. If he can't respond to email, there is NO communication from the man who's so-called serious about you. ONE thought that is possible...he may be in trouble in some way. As his family how often and the last time they heard from him.
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Why don't you write him an e-mail expressing these feelings? He will eventually read it. Do this first and wait for his response and the actions that will (or will not) follow. Tell him that you understand that he's busy but you want to have some contact with him cause you miss him and it will be the reason to wait for him till August. I have done that beginning of last week. I told him I understood he was busy and all BUT I am the woman back home willing to wait for him thru it all so he needed to put in more efforts, to get himself out of his bush, get a calling card and give me the time I deserve. I don't know how often he can get to a computer. He builds this house himself, it's on a lot in a small town. Crime rate is high in the Caribbeans so I assume he needs to camp on that lot if he doesn't want his construction materials to be stolen over night. But...none of this excuse the fact I did not get a phone call. Maybe he decided getting phone and long distances were too expensive. When you leave to materialize a project like this you're on a tight budget. I know I sound like I am making up excuses, that is just because there is so much unknown.
SYLLPalmer Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 When he introduced me to his friends, and his children, on our way there he said to me that If he's bringing me into his world it's because I mean the world to him and he takes our relationship very seriously. He would never do that with a casual relationship. That is player talk.
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 That is player talk. Players don't introduce their girlfriends to their children (14 and 21) and friends. His friends are not 'buddies' they're couples, people's he's known for 20+ years. I met them, and their children, went into their homes, etc. When I last saw them they told me 'you're part of the family now' A couple of years ago I dated a player. After a full year of dating I still had not met his children, or his family, or went to his place, that's a player.
Iguanna Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 So you wrote him an e-mail last week and he hasn't yet responded?
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 A couple of years ago I dated a player. After a full year of dating I still had not met his children, or his family, or went to his place, that's a player. First of all, that was A SINGLE player you met. If I were a player and really wanted to hook someone, why wouldn't I introduce you to my family and friends until I was done with you? Not saying he is, but do not leave out any possibilities. Besides, if things don't work out, there's not real loss to let my family and friends know "It simply didn't work out."
Author Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 No one will convinced me he is a player. If it was a concerned of mine I would have titled my thread 'was I being played'. So him being a player is off the table. Maybe he realized he was not THAT in love with me, or he's a rat for not communicating with me, or he's selfish, anything else I am open to. No he did not reply to my last week email, I don't know if he read it yet.
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