CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Hi everyone, I met a guy on Tinder (yep) I know you all will say it's used for hook ups etc, but anyway I met a guy a week ago (both of us are late 30s) - had a truly amazing first date which lasted 8 hours. Went to an art gallery, walk along the thames, dinner - was incredible. We then met again this Friday, the guy planned an amazing date for us, put lots of thought and effort into it. The first venue we went to we played table football and had a great time.Then he sat down and we were chatting and he then seemed to struggle and get really uncomfortable, he said he intially went onto Tinder for some female company (not sex!) this guy is a very, down to earth, genuine, honest type which I could tell early on. He basically said that he didn't imagine he would meet someone like me, he said he feels like we have a really special connection which is very rare to find and I agreed. Then he I wanted to be honest with you, last year he applied for a VISA to Australia and 2 weeks ago he got it. It's a 4 year visa and he is thinking about poss going in 6 months time. He quit his job last week and will freelance for a while. He said meeting me has come totally unexpectantly and kind of thrown a spaner in the works. He said he needed to be honest with me and said he didnt' expect me to hang around and get to know him with this potentially on the cards. But he said if he feel in love then that would change things and he might not go or postphone it. We are both free spirited types, very outdoorsy etc. So for me the thought of eventually poss gong to Oz doesn't scare me. I told him I couldnt commit to anything so early on, but happy to continue with things as I feel we have something that could poss be very special. To have fun and go with the flow. So we hada great rest of the evening. He then said can we spend the rest of the weekend together? So I said definitley I would love that. So yesterday we met up and again he organised us a great date, went ice skating and had a lovely long dinner. we are both very open people and as the drink flowed we opened up about our past, I sensed he was becoming a bit uncomfortable as it was quite deep and meaningful. But it just kind of happened. He then said why don't we go back to your place to watch a DVD or something (before you all say it, it wasn't for sex!) I said sure that's fine but I'm not ready to be physical so if he is happy with that that I was fine with him coming over. When we got back to my place, somehow the conversation again got back into a heavy topic and eventually onto him going to Australia. He said he was torn because he has met me but also the plan is in motion for him to go to OZ as he has saved etc for a while now. He said if I'm going to be honest he probably will go. So I was like, whoa hang on you said before you thought if you feel in love you may not go. What it then established is he would reconsider going to Oz if he fell in love with me. After that things were VERY awkward between us. Lots of very deep subjects and I could see his defences going up. He is very sensitive and doesn't like conflict so found it tough going. I apologise and said he should just tell me to 'shut' up if he gets uncomfortable when I bring things like this up. We then laughed about it. Said it was important we had that conversation early on, and that we both know the score now. So we went to bed, and he said lets forget the conversation happened and start again from scratch which I was happy with. In bed we cuddled but didn't have sex. Again we felt extremly close and was very intimate in a very non-sexual way. WE both felt the connection and said how much we liked one another. He said why don't we go to the cinema tomorrow and I was like yep defo. Then this morning things got odd in the morning in bed we werevery cuddly and everything seemed fine. I had a shower, he made breakfast and I said so are you still up for going to the cinema and he said I can't stay out for long as I have prep for tomorrow at work. So I got the impression that he didn't want to do anything, so I said I can drop you at the station if you need to go home. He said what would you like to do and I said Im easy I can go to the gym and catch-up with friend or spend time with you - I really don't mind! So I carried on doing my stuff, intially he wanted a shower and then changed his mind and just seemed like he wanted to go! I took him to the station and it was majorly awkward when we said good bye. I tried to be as normal as poss and said so it was lovely seeing you, I had fun! He is said you too, we kissed on the cheek and I could tell from his body language he seemed uncomfortable. And then he left! What the hell happened? I know some of you will say we shouldn't of have such a deep convo so early on, but our situation is not a normal dating scenario so it HAD to happen on early on. But I cant understand why he just went cold SO quickly. Literally from the time I had a shower to seeing him he changed and wanted to leave. I'm not contacting him now as I sense he needs space. But is this normal? Have I scared him off or what? We have a very deep connection already and had some amazing dates so I don't get how things changed so quickly. Any ideas what on earth is going on?
Author CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 He also said in our conversation last night, I feel I should walk away but I don't want to. I dont want to lose you.
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I think he's making all this up. Besides that, you met him ONE WEEK AGO!!!!!!!!!! And you're on 8 hour dates, taking showers. What the heck is wrong with some women? This man is a perfect stranger you need to be more careful. Too much too soon in every way. 4
Author CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Im friends with him on faceebook, he is a surfer hence the move and not making it up. I knowthat its only facebook but believe me there is enough on there to suggest he is a very genuine person whonis being upfront about his plans. And I didnt have a shower with him! It as by myself!
Brown-Eyez Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 First, I'm happy for you that you had such an amazing connection with a good guy! However, even tho you're both free-spirited types, the intensity of this initial week of knowing each other may have been too much...so he needs space, maybe you too? Also, I think he's telling you very plainly that he's gonna move to Oz and may just be putting the brakes on things with you. I suggest that you just let him contact you (he will eventually, he clearly likes you!!) as he tries to sort things out for himself. But he's moving to another country are you ready to let him go when that happens?
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Having a perfect stranger that you met online in your house after knowing them for ONE WEEK is not safe! It's stupid, please be more careful. As far as your "relationship" you are investing way too much too early on. I think your judgement is clouded. You don't know this man. Look at how weird he's acting already. If he has plans for Australia....have a safe trip. All this deep conversation after ONE WEEK is crazy talk. Do you really think a man who has applied for a visa and saved money is not going to go ahead with his plans because he met someone on Tinder, highly unlikely. The bottom line is you have to take the time to get to know someone. You have no clue who this guy is as a person. He could be telling you anything! 1
Author CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I totally get what you are saying, and agree on the safety front. But in terms of not trusting him, I absolutley do. My gut reaction has always been right with me. Plus I'm very good at reading people, this guy is a bit softy, very sensitive (in a good way),very giving and very honest - I could read this guy like a book very early on. His body language etc was very easy to read (some guys I can't read very well at all as they seem like closed books) when he told me about the OZ thing he was very nervous and he seemed genuienly confused. Neither one of us has expectations and we said that. I do feel we needed space and I think that's what he has gone away to do. Think things over. What I've learned is if you feel a special connection with someone then you just kind of know that person is right for you and we both felt it straight away. We both have the same outlook on life, family values and a whole lot more. I'm not going to put pressure on things though, what will be will be. And I'm not expecting him to stay in the UK for me. I think probably he has left so abruptly to see how he feels and if we should continue things or not.
mammasita Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 WHOA! For a woman in your late 30s you're not using your best judgement. I know that it can be very easy to get caught up in romanticism and fairy tales and hope but take a step back and think about what just happened in a mere 7 days....that's 1 week. Do you know this mans last name? Do you know his birthday? Do you know where he was born? Do you know if he has siblings? Do you know if his parents are divorced? Has he been married? What size shoe does he wear? Favorite food? Longest relationship? Kids? He could be blowing smoke up your a55 for all you know. I don't even let a man know where I live until we've been talking for at LEAST 2 months .....if that. He sounds a bit off honestly. Please be more careful. 1
Author CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I know loads about him already, we spoke about our families all the important stuff, it just naturally happened on our first date. We both spoke very openly like mates at first I guess, so it didn't feel strange. I know what you are saying and I am being careful. But I don't think there should be 'rules' about what is right and what is wrong other then just being safe (which agreed I failed on!) length of dates etc should be irrelavant if you 'click' with a person early on. If he didn't bring up the OZ thing (which I'm glad he did) we would of just been enjoying each others company and having fun instead of having just deep conversations.
Author CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I'm not lonely at all, I live on my own in my own place and have a great/full life filled with amazing friends. BUT I do want to meet a partner, I'm a great believer that playing games etc just causes more problems later on and to be yourself which is what I was.
Brown-Eyez Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I don't even let a man know where I live until we've been talking for at LEAST 2 months .....if that. Wow your statement really shows how different people can be with their level of trust..
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 He tried to seduce you into a whirlwind romance that you would know before hand he couldn't commit to, he wasn't asking for your heart but your legs wide open and becoming completely enamored in this "amazing" connection you have going on, this fantasty growing with wonderful dates that he's done before with other women..but you're being too smart and level-headed about it and you're not taking the bait, you weren't desperate enough to just kick things into high gear which for him did mean sex (men know better although you may not, come back to watch a "DVD"? Are you serious?)...you talked and communicated about the future and genuinely expressed your thoughts with sense rather than be pulled in by an uncontrollable emotional grab to want to try and make this work or convince him to stay. He's frustrated that he doesn't have you on the hook after all all his "effort" so he will likely back off and play coy, to try and confuse you and manipulate you into wanting to fix this because of your connection, so maybe next time you'll get the hit and open those legs....talk later, but then you'll be attached and not thinking straight anyway, and that's much easier for men to manage because you'll fail yourself due to your feelings. 3
Author CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I think Facebook is a great way to screen someone tbh, I got loads of info about him from the photos, the things he said on there etc. He is a very peaceful almost hippie type which came through when I met him. I didn't once feel unsafe around him which is why I felt fine inviting him back to my place.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I'm not lonely at all, I live on my own in my own place and have a great/full life filled with amazing friends. BUT I do want to meet a partner, I'm a great believer that playing games etc just causes more problems later on and to be yourself which is what I was. This is the problem for him, you're life is too together, you're too strong, too sensible, and aware. 1
mammasita Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Wow your statement really shows how different people can be with their level of trust.. Well, I have a child at home....so that's a huge factor in my decisions.
Author CherryBlossom200 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I am a very emotionally aware, mature person in that respect and very much don't need a relationship but want one which guys do seem to pick up on hence why I get a lot of guys rushing things with me! I think I seem more emotionally mature then him and possibly this might scare him because of my honesty. But I'm not the shy, retiring type I will voice my opinions in a clear, succinct way without arguing. 1
SYLLPalmer Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 It sounds like he is a player with all the unnecessary future faking crap. Then it appears he lost interest. You guys didn't have sex because he didn't want to. This of course is outside observer speculation.
BradJacobs Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I may be entirely off in this but here's what I get out of your story: The guy wanted you to initiate sex while you were sleeping together. When you didn't, he planned his exit. He's got no game but he wants to be a player. 1
MixedUpChick Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I think it's interesting that so many people assume this guy is a player. It's possible that everything he said was completely true, he's planning to leave the country & based on these plans - which he's been preparing for, for a long time - meeting & having a great connection with you was a huge surprise. He doesn't want to give up his dream & if he lets himself get too close to you, he risks giving that up & having regrets later in life. He said "if" he fell in love he'd consider cancelling that trip, but that's unlikely... I've been in a similar situation & it just doesn't work that way. I say just wait for him to initiate contact again, and see how it all plays out.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Honestly, I think he's probably just realized that potentially changing his plans for a woman he only met one week ago is quite short-sighted and foolish. Your reaction to him telling you that he's likely going (seeming almost offended?) likely made him re-think investing any more time in this. I say this because I've been in his shoes. I had obtained a visa to move abroad last year, then 2 months before I left, I met a guy. I had similar doubts and then realized I'd be selling myself way too short and giving up a life-changing opportunity if I didn't go. The very short time I'd know this guy didn't compare to years of dreaming about living abroad or the months and months of planning involved. The guy and I saw each other casually until I left. That was it. I've since met someone else in my new country (Italy, could you guess from my username? ha ha) and am so grateful I didn't change my mind. Don't invest more of yourself in this. He is almost certain to go, and where does that leave you? I know you swear up and down that you're emotionally mature, and I don't doubt that, but you it's plain as day you need to take more care of you heart and not get so wrapped up in someone you've known only a few days. Be realistic, girl. He told you his plans and now you're wondering where it all went wrong - you didn't need to come here to get your answer to that. 1
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