Any Chance of Rescuing a Relationship after You Catch them in bed with another woman?

[DRS]

My boyfriend posted on here under the title "Exs/Other guys am I over reacting?" in May of last year. He explained his suspicions about my behavior and honesty.

Incident #1: In the beginning of our relationship, I was close friends with my ex-husband, which he didn't like, but he said, "I'm not going to tell you not to hang out with him." There was absolutely nothing between my ex and I for years, so on St Patrick's Day, we took my son out to dinner. The following day, my boyfriend confronted me about it, and I wasn't going to lie, but I admitted that I would not have told him about it (yes, it was deceitful). It was innocent, but it would have made him angry. After that, I got the message that it was not ok, so I stopped hanging out with the ex.

Incident #2: While struggling with depression and the suicide of a co-worker/friend, I took a class on PTSD and began talking to the instructor, a detective in my agency who leads the peer support group. We met briefly (my boyfriend knew about it) so that he could give me information about free counseling through my agency, and I began attending. This instructor regularly keeps contact with those he helps and periodically checks in to see how things are going. I wasn't really into it, but needed to be nice, since he helped me. He basically insisted that we meet for lunch so we can "talk with no time limit". I informed my boyfriend of the lunch meeting, and he flipped out, demanding to see the texts. One text said "I can't wait to see your face", which he said was very flirtatious. He felt that I was flirting back or at minimum, too receptive. I tried to explain that I had no attraction to the guy and didn't even want to attend the lunch in the first place. I even invited my boyfriend to go with me, which he declined. I cancelled the lunch and told the detective that I will not be meeting with him, but he could check on my by email.

Incident #3: A few months later, an old friend that I dated very briefly about 20 years ago began emailing me. The emails were very innocent, but he invited me to lunch when he attended an upcoming conference in town. He is married with kids, and I would never, never cheat on my boyfriend, so I thought it might be nice to catch up with this guy who was a great friend years ago. In my email response, I said my boyfriend is "psycho jealous so I'll have to work something out". Later, I decided against the lunch meeting because it wasn't worth risking my relationship for. (I am very in love with my boyfriend). Turns out, my boyfriend saw the email calling him psycho jealous, and was extremely angry. When I said I didn't intend to go to the lunch, he didn't believe me, especially when I admitted I would not have told him about it. I did not plan to attend the lunch alone in the first place, and thought if I did go, I'd take a friend with me just to keep things safe. He didn't believe this either.

 

Ok, here's the current situation..........later I find out that he got this info from putting spyware on my computer. This also led to him finding out about some indiscretions (huge mistakes) from my past that occurred before I met him. This included a brief affair with a married man.

My boyfriend was so stressed out and suspicious that he ended up having an affair of his own in response (I never had one). Our relationship has been full of turmoil and resentment ever since. He moved out so he can "have his own space". We began couples counseling, and things were looking up. Last week, I surprised him late at night and found him in bed with another woman. Instead of asking her to leave, he threw ME out of his house.

 

The question.......I love him dearly despite his crazy jealously and awful temper. He acknowleges responsibility for the affairs but states they were caused by my suspicious behavior and deceitfulness.

 

My questions are these:

1. Was I over the line with these "lunch meetings", and do I seem to have some boundary issues with other men?

2. Is there any chance of working things out with someone who puts spyware on your computer to try to catch you cheating and then cheats on you anyway?

3. Is it possible to move past infidelity and establish trust again after such a heart-wrenching betrayal?

[No Limit]

Instead of asking her to leave, he threw ME out of his house.

 

Final red flag. No, there's nothing for you to save left.

Especially since he is putting all the blame on you, not even for a second thinking "Hm, since it's me who's having the affair, could it be me... naaaah!"

He's so jealous that it made him believe in you being a cheater and now he's waiting for any proof just to excuse his own crap. Seriously?

Find someone else, you deserve way better.

[ThatMan]

I think that individual therapy is a good way to sort through this to decide what's best for you. I know that couples are able to move past infidelity but to do so requires couples to reinvent themselves. Individuals need to be healthy by themselves before they can interact with each other in a positive way. So if both of you are committed to continue working on yourselves as individuals, the sky is the limit, so try to think about it. There is no better way to work through PTSD than to enlist the aid of a licensed professional. Peer support, while often helpful, has it's own limits which shouldn't be used to substitute genuine aid.

 

Question 1:

In my opinion, I think you've been incredibly inappropriate with these lunch dates. You shouldn't have to be deceitful at all. This nonsense erodes away the trust and openness placed in any relationship. Even the most innocent moments will cause irreparable distrust in you. If you cannot be trusted to be open, honest, and communicate to discuss even the most platonic gatherings, then how can you be trusted at all? How can you be trusted for the things in life that are far more significant?

 

Question 2:

Anything is possible. I hope you refer to what I've mentioned above for an answer. Both of you need to be committed as individuals to be the best person that you can possibly be. PTSD is a serious medical condition. Untreated, PTSD can literally cause brain damage. Please seek out professional aid. Anyone who is in a position of authority, whether the detective, or an LICSW, only intends to help. Sometimes we confuse help for affection. This is called transference. No matter how I look at it, and I've tried thinking about this for several moments, it's incredibly inappropriate to say that how much you want to see his face again to the detective. If you really care about the people who are trying to help them, then do not flirt with them. This behavior alongside your lack of openness are two things for you to focus on to improve yourself.

 

Question 3:

I cannot tell you whether or not your relationship will survive infidelity. But there's always hope in being in a good place in life and I sincerely hope that you continue working at this. Best of luck...

[DRS]

Thank you guys for your honest opinions. I guess I've had trouble admitting that my own actions were inappropriate because I know in my heart that I would never cheat on my boyfriend. He says he has no way of knowing what my intent was- just what it looked like. Seems like each time we got close to moving past the trust issues, I would inadvertantly do something else to drive a wedge between us. I'm so used to working around males and having male friends that I forget it can cause problems in relationships.

There was infidelity in a previous marriage, and I was determined not to play detective ever again. I was convinced I would rather not know than have to deal with it. Now, I can't decide whether to trust again and risk being made into a bigger fool, or finally learn my lesson.

 

By the way, I was not the one who texted "I can't wait to see your face!" The detective sent that to me. I wasn't comfortable with it and should have responded appropriately. My failure to do so did make it look as though I was receptive to it, I guess.

 

I will continue counseling whether he does or not.

[chelsea2011]

You caught him bed with another woman and he blamed you? Wow. So sorry you are in such a difficult situation. It sounds like you both were deceptive out of fear and jealousy. I don't know if there is any way back from that - it's like the foundation of your relationship has been obliterated.

 

I would break up wih him and work on yourself and if the two of you find - after working on yourselves - that you can put the past behind you and start fresh then maybe you have a chance. I'm not sure it's possible righ now since everything is so twisted.

 

When in doubt work on yourself first and see how things look once your head is clear. That's the key - your head needs to be clear first before you can begin to repair the relationship. If there is anything left to repair that is.

[BetrayedH]

Meant gently, how many times will you lie to him about meeting up with other men (like exBFs or those who send you inappropriate messages) before you expect that he's going to believe you are a liar and/or cheat? Even if you were just being conflict-avoidant while feeling entitled to your boundary issues, that's a huge red flag. And instead of acknowledging it and working on it, you called him psycho jealous. That just phoned it in for him that you don't get it.

 

This is not AT ALL to say that he was justified in having an affair. His ethical choices were to fix the relationship or leave it. Instead, he chose an unethical, illogical, unhealthy, and destructive coping mechanism. You didn't cause him to make that choice. He gets to own 100% of that.

 

Can the relationship be salvaged? Who knows. It'll take both of you working on your issues in the right way. He needs to be truly remorseful (which is a lot more than it sounds) and you need to make some serious commitments, too (which primarily revolve around honesty, openness/transparency, and boundaries - even though you weren't the one to have an affair). And you both need to do these things for someone you don't trust. It's a tall order. It's going to take a full commitment on behalf of both parties. Do you have that in you? Does he?

 

ETA: I highly recommend you both read the book, Not Just Friends, by Dr Shirley Glass.

[central]

He crossed the line with a real physical affair. Given your past history with a married man, you should probably avoid anything that could be construed as crossing lines, whether or not they are crossed - at the least, bring someone along as you intended.

 

Your bf is suspicious and controlling and worried about you cheating. That's can be projection based on his own cheating intentions and actions.

 

Seriously, I suspect things will only get worse if you stay together, and you will eventually regret it. Better to break things off now, when the red flags are flapping briskly.

[yellowmaverick]

DRS - If you don't have honesty with each other, you have nothing. That's true of any relationship.

[thummper]

Having "secret" lunch meetings with other guys would be a huge red flag to just about any man. Speaking strictly for myself, if I had become aware of my special lady doing this, she would no longer have been my special lady. Of course, him having an affair is totally stupid and just plain wrong. It sounds to me like his constant jealousy would eventually drive you away if you should happen to marry. I don't think he's going to get any better. He obviously doesn't trust you because of his suspicions. I think maybe him "throwing you out" of the house when you found him screwing another woman should be enough to show you that this is not husband material. Take the warning and end this. Do you really want the constant turmoil?