Musing Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I just wanted to see if I could relate to anyone with this. When my ex and I split, I was sad - no doubt. But I felt that after a few days, I was relieved. We did not have a bad relationship, but I definitely knew its flaws. I tried to burying them under the rug because A) they were not terrible...just very frustrating (I'm older than him, so the immaturity was pretty noticeable) and B) I cared about him. Some of which include my codependency (getting anxious when I wouldn't get a text after a certain amount of time) and his immaturity (I got annoyed with things he said or did - or didn't do - and they turned me off) Because of these problems, I actually contemplated breaking up with him on a few occasions. I cared about him a lot though, and was scared for if I'd regret it. I had feelings for him but didn't care for how he handled the relationship. If only he were older or more experienced it'd be perfect. The chemistry and attraction were there, we had the same ideals and views. Just..not everything else I needed. By the time he broke up with me, and I got over the initial shock for three days after, I actually felt...well, indifferent. "Whatever. He left me, life goes on" I felt the relief of not having to worry about him texting me. I didn't compulsively check my phone and it felt great. My mind cleared and I was (dare I say) excited at new dating opportunities. I started developing crushes only days after the breakup, started thinking about future goals, the whole nine. Then I saw him again over three weeks later and I felt that same chemistry from the first time I saw him. It never left...I just got comfortable in the relationship and frustrated, but I never felt this way about someone before, and that feeling was still there, stronger than ever. I went from starting to feel great to regressing. I miss him more and more. Haven't talked to him but I feel like I find myself wondering more about him, whereas I didn't really care for the first several weeks. I went through most of the motions (being s blubbering mess, anger, you know) but when it comes down to it, when I'm feeling happy, I still miss him. Not the relationship - I actually feel this was for the best and I'm not bogged down. I wonder if he went though anything similar, or misses me as a person. wishful thinking, I suppose Any other dumpees feel like this?
hea Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Yeah I in a way. I love him so much and recognise there were problems. I wanted to work at them and he wanted to walk away. I suppose knowing that he wanted to walk away and didn't want it to work makes me feel like I wasn't missing out on him. I couldn't have stayed in the relationship the way it was, however these were things we could have worked on and could have been good together. He didn't want to though so fair enough. 2
Tulipsgold Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Yes!!!!!! Both comments actually sound exactly like my situation. I can totally relate and have the same feeling. It f***** SUCKS. I went through the BU stages exactly the same as OP. Now at almost three months, and I do still miss him. I don't understand myself! Why do I miss him when I myself have thought from time to time to break up with him when he was still clearly in to me. I really don't know why iI am now suffering so much. I think It must have something to do with being scared of being alone now. Being scared of starting all over. Being scared that he will be the only one you will ever really love. So it is easy to hold on to the familiar, eventhough you know the familiar wasn't even so good to begin with it's better than accepting the fact that you're alone and he left you right? If only we keep reminding ourselves that we admitted things weren't great. And in my case I never really was invested in the relationship. Maybe that all just means that in the end we weren't compatible enough to maken it work for the long run. It was good for as long as it lasted...
jphcbpa Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I started developing crushes only days after the breakup IMO you should take a look at this. This is part of your codependence
Author Musing Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Tulipsgold - I'm glad someone else can relate lol. I'm sure it is also a case of us wanting what we can't have, too. If we left we'd have more control. But I also think we didn't leave because we had more of a positive outlook on the relationship, whereas our exs probably felt like leaving would be better - kind of like what hea was saying. jphcbpa - Yeah, I was a serial monogamist back in high school and beginning of college. Once a relationship was over I'd jump to another because I like chasing the "high" of being attracted to someone. It's like my drug. I realized what I was doing at age 21 and took a year off from dating but then once that summer came around it was back on the dating train again...and 2 exs later here I am. It's also why I'm totally avoiding dating anyone at the moment (that and of course I miss my ex) Edited February 9, 2014 by Musing 1
hea Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Yes!!!!!! Both comments actually sound exactly like my situation. I can totally relate and have the same feeling. It f***** SUCKS. I went through the BU stages exactly the same as OP. Now at almost three months, and I do still miss him. I don't understand myself! Why do I miss him when I myself have thought from time to time to break up with him when he was still clearly in to me. I really don't know why iI am now suffering so much. I think It must have something to do with being scared of being alone now. Being scared of starting all over. Being scared that he will be the only one you will ever really love. So it is easy to hold on to the familiar, eventhough you know the familiar wasn't even so good to begin with it's better than accepting the fact that you're alone and he left you right? If only we keep reminding ourselves that we admitted things weren't great. And in my case I never really was invested in the relationship. Maybe that all just means that in the end we weren't compatible enough to maken it work for the long run. It was good for as long as it lasted... This is a good point. Perhaps it is the fear of being alone, possibly not meeting anyone, or possibly never feeling the same for someone again. And it's a case of loosing a best friend. That void has opened up now they have gone. It's just a sad situation. It's difficult why it seems relationships don't last as long as they used to.
Author Musing Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 This is a good point. Perhaps it is the fear of being alone, possibly not meeting anyone, or possibly never feeling the same for someone again. And it's a case of loosing a best friend. That void has opened up now they have gone. It's just a sad situation. It's difficult why it seems relationships don't last as long as they used to. It is hard when you have that "love at first sight"/spark/"take-you-breath-away" magnetic pull towards someone that you've never felt before, that makes looking at other attractive (or more attractive) people, or those more suited for us, seem so lackluster. I want that feeling again but I feel like it's so rare, and I lost it. I still feel it for the ex though which doesn't help. I think relationships don't last as long now because A) meeting someone new is so easy with online communication B) Women don't have a need to find a man at an early age and settle down since they have more opportunities (working, birth control, etc) and C) The media perpetuates this glamorous lifestyle of dating and hooking up. And a lot more, but these are the top reasons that I see why relationships don't last as long. 2
hea Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I think relationships don't last as long now because A) meeting someone new is so easy with online communication B) Women don't have a need to find a man at an early age and settle down since they have more opportunities (working, birth control, etc) and C) The media perpetuates this glamorous lifestyle of dating and hooking up. And a lot more, but these are the top reasons that I see why relationships don't last as long. I agree. It's rubbish isn't it.
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