RaidDolEm78 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I think I've figured out what my issue is....my heart has not caught up to what my mind already knows. I know he is not the same person he once let me believe he was, I know that things are different now and can never go back to the way they used to be. But what can I do to catch my heart up to speed? I've gotten a new job and made some new friends there. I've treated myself to a new hair style and new clothes. I've been in therapy for the past six months and still am continuing to go and better myself. I'm going to be signing up for coursesat college to finish my degree in the next semester. I just want to completely let go of this darn hope. I have thoughts every once in awhile about starting to date again, but then I get scared that ill end up in a similar situation with the new guy, like I'm thinking all guys are the same, which I know is not true. Not sure if that goes hand in hand with the hope thing or not. Its all so frustrating.
Xemyd Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I'd like to know too. My brain knows he's never going to come back, but I still check my phone, I still have a feeling I'll hear from him again, that we'll try again. 2
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I'd like to know too. My brain knows he's never going to come back, but I still check my phone, I still have a feeling I'll hear from him again, that we'll try again. I check my phone as well. I have been hearing from my ex lately but that's because of financial reasons. I know that I'm better off. I just never thought eight months later, I would still be struggling to some extent.
Xemyd Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I check my phone as well. I have been hearing from my ex lately but that's because of financial reasons. I know that I'm better off. I just never thought eight months later, I would still be struggling to some extent. 6 months for me I haven't heard from mine though, no breadcrumbs, nothing since I've been NC. I know some may say that that's a good thing, because they suck, but I kind of want one.
Mr Scorpio Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I think I've figured out what my issue is....my heart has not caught up to what my mind already knows. I know he is not the same person he once let me believe he was, I know that things are different now and can never go back to the way they used to be. But what can I do to catch my heart up to speed? I would recommend that you don't do anything to catch your heart up to speed. You cannot rush something like that. It must happen organically over time. However... if you're only goal is to rid yourself of hope? Contact your ex. Let them show you yet again the reason that the relationship ended in the first place. It will hurt like hell. It will likely set your progress back significantly. But you'll be in pain for a reason other than hope.
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I would recommend that you don't do anything to catch your heart up to speed. You cannot rush something like that. It must happen organically over time. However... if you're only goal is to rid yourself of hope? Contact your ex. Let them show you yet again the reason that the relationship ended in the first place. It will hurt like hell. It will likely set your progress back significantly. But you'll be in pain for a reason other than hope. Lol no thanks, I'm good. Its not my only goal..I know Im trying to rush things. I'm just done, with all of it. I do get excited when I think about my new future and how far I've come. I just want to get rid of whatever triggers that hope.
HeartinPain Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 6 months for me I haven't heard from mine though, no breadcrumbs, nothing since I've been NC. I know some may say that that's a good thing, because they suck, but I kind of want one. almost 3 months NC and 6 months BU. No crumb during the NC either. I kind of want one too.
acidios Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 well i broken my nc 3 times.i have fighting,calling her,text etc for 3 months but i never had that hope..the hope of her calling me. i killed that "hope" inside me with a simple step. that step was her face in our last meeting she wasnt the person that i loved. she wasnt my girlfriend. her face was not the sweet one that i loved to kiss all the time and her words was full of poison for my heart. you know its normal to only keep the happy momments that you had with a person.you only remember those but if you manage to get a nerve and remember the bad ones you kill that "hope" and the most bad one that you can grab and use are those in the BU. 2
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 well i broken my nc 3 times.i have fighting,calling her,text etc for 3 months but i never had that hope..the hope of her calling me. i killed that "hope" inside me with a simple step. that step was her face in our last meeting she wasnt the person that i loved. she wasnt my girlfriend. her face was not the sweet one that i loved to kiss all the time and her words was full of poison for my heart. you know its normal to only keep the happy momments that you had with a person.you only remember those but if you manage to get a nerve and remember the bad ones you kill that "hope" and the most bad one that you can grab and use are those in the BU. And that right there is exactly what I need to do more of. Well more than I have been doing. He is not the person I knew for the seven years we were together and things would never be the same if one day he did realize what he gave up. I know I deserve more than someone who decided he didn't want to be with me after so many years together and engaged to be married.
hea Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 It's a really hard thing to do. Hope in this situation is never good because it stops you from letting go! Whenever my mind casually wonders to scenarios of him coming back to me, I stop it dead in its tracks and take a few minutes to think 'he's not coming back' and then list X,Y, and Z of why he broke up with me. Until it sinks in and the hope dwindles little by little until you find your self imagining it less and less. 1
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 It's a really hard thing to do. Hope in this situation is never good because it stops you from letting go! Whenever my mind casually wonders to scenarios of him coming back to me, I stop it dead in its tracks and take a few minutes to think 'he's not coming back' and then list X,Y, and Z of why he broke up with me. Until it sinks in and the hope dwindles little by little until you find your self imagining it less and less. I completely agree. I have been telling myself "I don't care" repeatedly when thoughts cross my mind. Its just every once in awhile, I get stuck on those thoughts...and that is a very dangerous place to be in. I just feel like I have been in this phase for such a long time now and I really don't know what else I can do to get out of it. Its more like how to keep my mind occupied enough to not even think these thoughts anymore
acidios Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I have been telling myself "I don't care" repeatedly when thoughts cross my mind. Its just every once in awhile, I get stuck on those thoughts...and that is a very dangerous place to be in. that state in our mind is that we must fight those thoughts mostly "strike" on the morning when we woke up. i have been depressed whole days when i allowed the thoughts to continue coming.and thats the reason that i broken my nc alot its a very dangerous place to roam and you dont gain nothing from that. dont allow the thoughts to spread.saying a dont care and change the thing you do that moment Works sometimes. some others times dont. its something that you have to fight and its really hard if you dont have someone to talk about it and keep you on the right track. do not do a mistake like i did (breaking nc) if you get this thoughts in the morning when you wake up tell your self "i dont care', get up from the bed ASAP and do something,even the most simple thing like opening the tv or doin a stretch of you legs will help to change the moment. DO NOT open a Social media APP if you got a tablet or a mobile phone next to you and you havent deleted blocked your ex. do it ONLY if you have deleted/blocked him and you know a really good friend in online for chating if you feel that you want to talk and none is online of available for phonecall/Chat, post your thoughts/vent here. the hardest part is if you got a lot of Free time like me. i am not working right now and i spend lot of time at home now that i am searching for a job so those thoughts are hitting me a lot even when i do things i love to do. example. when i play video games of watching a movie i get random hits inside my mind that get me in to the "depressed mode".for me those moments are the worst and those i am trying to fight now that i am in big xroad of my life. 2
realfriends Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I wonder the same thing sometime. When she texts me and lets me know she still cares about me, at least as a human being, it makes it harder. To be honest, I think dating again would help (at least me) because then you don't have to worry if they are coming back or not. I guess its part of the moving on process. 2
bubblesbursted Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 that state in our mind is that we must fight those thoughts mostly "strike" on the morning when we woke up. i have been depressed whole days when i allowed the thoughts to continue coming.and thats the reason that i broken my nc alot its a very dangerous place to roam and you dont gain nothing from that. dont allow the thoughts to spread.saying a dont care and change the thing you do that moment Works sometimes. some others times dont. its something that you have to fight and its really hard if you dont have someone to talk about it and keep you on the right track. do not do a mistake like i did (breaking nc) if you get this thoughts in the morning when you wake up tell your self "i dont care', get up from the bed ASAP and do something,even the most simple thing like opening the tv or doin a stretch of you legs will help to change the moment. DO NOT open a Social media APP if you got a tablet or a mobile phone next to you and you havent deleted blocked your ex. do it ONLY if you have deleted/blocked him and you know a really good friend in online for chating if you feel that you want to talk and none is online of available for phonecall/Chat, post your thoughts/vent here. the hardest part is if you got a lot of Free time like me. i am not working right now and i spend lot of time at home now that i am searching for a job so those thoughts are hitting me a lot even when i do things i love to do. example. when i play video games of watching a movie i get random hits inside my mind that get me in to the "depressed mode".for me those moments are the worst and those i am trying to fight now that i am in big xroad of my life. We are in the same situations. Lots of free time. Fresh LTR break up. I have those phases too when I am looking for jobs or watching movie or anything simple like reading a book? I just cant seem to shake that feeling off for quite sometime but it is getting less frequent now. I know he isnt coming back neither I am gonna take him back. Do whatever it takes to distract yourself! Anything. Playing games to venting. You can do it!
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Thankfully, my ex was never big on social media when we were together and never had anything at the time. Any of his friends/relatives I had on mine, I had almost immediately deleted. I refuse to look them up now because I don't want to know ANYTHING. I think the worst case scenarios enough on my own lol. I agree that it is the free time that is the worst. I guess ill be looking into another hobby, or something. ..I just don't know. As far as dating again, even though its been almost 9 months now, I still don't feel ready yet. It wouldn't be fair to myself or the potential other person. I guess the key here is patience.
Xemyd Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Don't rush yourself into dating again if you're not ready. It'll just make you feel worse. Especially if you find yourself still comparing everyone to the ex. 1
acidios Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Don't rush yourself into dating again if you're not ready. It'll just make you feel worse. Especially if you find yourself still comparing everyone to the ex. dating/goin out to meet new people its good.there is no need to rush and make a relationship or have sex but making new friends and living in a different "circle" than the one we created with our ex will help to get a new point of view. the key Word is that what Xemyd said. never ever compare enyone to your ex. let me tell you my personal expirience with this,something that i lived on saturday that i was out with a friend for shoping. we where together in a shop looking for some movie bluerays and a girl that had the same look that my ex walks in to the store. in that moment i lost the focus that i had talking with my friend and looking the shop.she had the same hair like my ex that i loved, the same body curves.i was feeling like i have to talk and go out with this girl heck i even had instant images in my head of me hugging this girl. but in the end my Logic came back.. i wasnt feeling attraction for that girl i was feeling attraction for my ex.thats not healthy and not right i wasnt ready to make a move to meet a new girl.and even if lets say did make a move and she was ok to go out with me the hurting and not good outcome was sure. its not only us when we go out its also the NEW person that we meet. in our case and problem that we face in the current status of our life we must remember that we have been hurt by a person and we dont have the right to hurt enyone. 1
Lifegoezon Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I'd like to know too. My brain knows he's never going to come back, but I still check my phone, I still have a feeling I'll hear from him again, that we'll try again. Ditto. Even though I've no desire to break NC and I know there's no fixing us. Becomes a habit I think especially if there was all day contact during the relationship. My ex was never off whatsapp so my day was peppered with messages and images. That's the void that now consumes me.
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 The loneliness definitely comes from out of habit. Like I've said, I've made many positive changes, but I guess I haven't done enough to fill all the voids. The thinking is definitely what does me in..I guess I will never understand how someone can be so selfish and cruel because I don't think like that. I clearly see signs that happened early on in the relationship that should have been the end then. I've been told over and over again that as long as I learned a lesson from this relationship, and apply that in the future, which I have learned one.
StGeorge22 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I'm right there with you guys. To the people who said they want breadcrumbs, you should consider yourselves lucky that you didn't get any. Might have felt good for a while, but it def just prolongs things. I had 12 months on and off with my ex of breadcrumbs and "trying" only for her to move interstate. Anyway, I'm right there with you guys. I really think it just takes time and it's about being comfortable in your own skin. By that I mean you have to be ok with the fact that right now you are by yourself and have to do things as a sinle not a couple. I try and think of things logically - what's the more likely scenario - you will be miserable by yourself forever and never meet anyone else, or you will fall in love again. Of course we will all fall in love again! There is no easy fix and I'm in no way over mine either (have seriously dreamt about her so much the last 2 weeks) but I have accepted the fact that it is completely out of my hands and if I'm open to it, good and new things will happen. It is very hard when you see things that remind you etc, hopefully they just become less frequent 1
London_girl_1985 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I think I've figured out what my issue is....my heart has not caught up to what my mind already knows. I know he is not the same person he once let me believe he was, I know that things are different now and can never go back to the way they used to be. But what can I do to catch my heart up to speed? I've gotten a new job and made some new friends there. I've treated myself to a new hair style and new clothes. I've been in therapy for the past six months and still am continuing to go and better myself. I'm going to be signing up for coursesat college to finish my degree in the next semester. I just want to completely let go of this darn hope. I have thoughts every once in awhile about starting to date again, but then I get scared that ill end up in a similar situation with the new guy, like I'm thinking all guys are the same, which I know is not true. Not sure if that goes hand in hand with the hope thing or not. Its all so frustrating. I'm in the same situation at the moment. I think that hope will only fully die when we meet someone else! 1
Gemini x Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Ditto. Even though I've no desire to break NC and I know there's no fixing us. Becomes a habit I think especially if there was all day contact during the relationship. My ex was never off whatsapp so my day was peppered with messages and images. That's the void that now consumes me. I'm right there with you. For the last 3 years my days were filled with voice messages and pictures. If we weren't in the same room together we were swapping texts. Now, there's nothing, and it hurts like hell. 2
Author RaidDolEm78 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 I think I took a pretty big step in the right direction last night. I went out after work for a girls night out with a couple of girls I've gotten to know since I started my new job almost two months ago. It was at a bar my ex and I went to a lot. And I had a blast. I never once scanned the room to see if he was there. And I truly enjoyed my time out. For me, this is huge because ever since the breakup, I pretty much have been avoiding going anywhere in his town.
jonsnuh Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Do these feelings primarily only stem from dumpees?
Itspointless Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) I've been told over and over again that as long as I learned a lesson from this relationship, and apply that in the future, which I have learned one. You know what is funny though, sometimes the lessons learnt in one become your mistakes in the other. For example, i learned that a psychologically too dependent girlfriend is not good (seems obvious writing it like this) so last time I found an avoidant who cut me off, much better ... Both times it was not planned. Some things you learn while with someone. Edited February 13, 2014 by Itspointless
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