Bothered by something stupid?

[heylovey22]

Long story short, everything's been okay between me and MM since I decided to take the "this isn't a relationship" approach a few months ago. I see him when I see him and stay happy with that... both still crazy about each other but I am able to breathe a lot easier, go on dates, focus on life and not get caught up from not hearing from him, I don't wait for him, etc.

 

He's had "hell month" at work and is finally done with that, but I haven't seen him in weeks (except if he stopped for a drink at my job for 5 minutes between meetings.) He was even working 18+ hours some days, would even call me from work occasionally. He was busy, tired, so that's just how it was, but since things have calmed down I should see him sometime this week.

 

I don't know why but I'm so bothered by something that happened yesterday. It was his birthday. I texted him in the morning saying HBD, we texted for a few minutes and then I really didn't hear from him. He said he was about to stop by my job with his boss but I was leaving at that time so it didn't work out. I texted him mid afternoon asking what he was doing for his bday, said I hoped he had fun, wished I could've seen him, yadda yadda. He never answered me but then posted on FB of his whereabouts, inviting everyone and such.

 

You have to understand that our talks and meetings have been so far and few in between because of his "hell month", and now that that was over I fully expect him to talk to me like a normal person again (we would speak multiple times throughout the day, see each other 2-3x a week, and if he ever went out at night with friends he would text me a lot)... so when he ignored me I was pretty annoyed. At night I had a few drinks and caught up the nerve to text him and say "I don't get why you didn't answer my text. Not a thank you, not anything?" and his response was "I'm crazy about you." I replied "No you're not... nevermind." Needless to say I was annoyed at him dodging what I'd said... but I don't even care about that honestly, I don't know why I was so bothered by him not answering my texts because I'm used to it... it was probably just the alcohol getting to me.

 

Okay, here's the thing that is bugging me right now and I don't know why. I was talking to him today and asked how his birthday was, he replied "Ok. Drank too much." and I said "It's your bday, you're supposed to. Why only okay? Weren't all your friends and fam there?" and he replied "I was just too tired from work really." We talked a bit then he said he'd call me tomorrow. Then I'm on fb and I see him post something like "Best Birthday ever!!! Thanks to everyone who came... etc etc blah blah love you, had a blast, etc."

 

WHY would he post that but tell me the opposite!? I'm sitting here wondering why in the world he would lie to me about something so stupid? We're not 20. I want him to have a good time and he damn well knows it, I don't get jealous and he'll usually tell me good details and fun that goes on in his life, even when he's out with his wife. I've always been cool with it cause I think he (as anybody else) deserves to be happy and enjoy life. Are my hormones just overflowing this weekend or what? Why am I so bothered that he told me his bday was "just okay" but then posts quite the opposite? We've always been honest so I'm just confused and annoyed. Any insight? I might just be crazy this weekend... I had a bad day yesterday and girly hormones.

Edited February 9, 2014 by heylovey22

[SugarHibiscus]

Hmmm...I bet he posted on FB that it was the best as a thank you to those who came. He wouldn't post something like...thanks for coming out for my birthday. It was OK and I was really too tired to enjoy it. Next time I'm staying in and not even bothering. He probably told you the truth. He probably is overtired from such long hours and thought his birthday was just ok. People sugar coat things on FB. It's annoying but true.

 

Or he was trying to be sensitive to your feelings because you weren't there.

 

Or a little of both.

 

Sorry, I'm not very helpful!

[heylovey22]

Sugar, you're very helpful... that makes complete sense.

 

I've had such a good hold on myself lately and I was sitting here like "what in the world is wrong with me."

 

It's hard though still, to read that hurt a bit and makes me wonder...

[SugarHibiscus]

You're not alone. I have days like that too. He usually texts back with lightening speed and when he doesn't I can have a semi-freak out wondering what's taking him so long. What's he doing? Did she intercept the text? He doesn't care as much as he used too. ETC. It's really not rational on my part. I think he does the same thing actually. The other day it took me a little bit (like 10 min) to respond and he was all like "there you are", I was worried. Silly, really.

 

Is it because we don't have a conventional relationship? I've never been insecure before.

[woinlove]

Sorry, but to me it sounds like he is somewhat withdrawn from you, that he is not very invested and not willing to make much time. Looking over a couple of your past posts reinforces this impression for me. When I don't want to encourage someone, for whatever reason, I don't show much enthusiasm in my responses.

 

In earlier posts, you've said you really love this man and that he's made it clear he is happily married and wants to stay that way. I would say that is a bad combo for you. Are you sure you are fine with this situation? I get the impression you are trying to downplay things with him, despite having feelings which should not be downplayed, in order to accommodate him.

[heylovey22]

Sugar, I'll tell you, it's probably that. I had terrible issues in both of my conventional relationships... they ****ed me over pretty badly and there were lots of communication issues that I should've just trust my gut with. Needless to say I am very happy (and healthy) and glad to be out of those relationships... but the scars from those issues are hard to overcome.

 

Though I did get used to MM's infrequent contact lately because of his work thing, I think I immediately was ready for it to snap back the next day but in reality that's not how life works. I bet he's tired.

 

But the insecurity things definitely comes from these relationships (I refuse to even call mine a relationship, helps me not overthink things) not being what a "normal" relationship would be. I'm constantly thinking MM doesn't give a **** about me... and today I was actually surprised when he texted me saying "Sometimes I think you're not gonna wanna see me anymore... why would you text me like that?"

 

It's never easy but I guess we have to work on relaxing and living life normally.

[heylovey22]

Wo, we did have an issue a little before Holiday time but that cleared up and things were okay. I'm not necessarily downplaying... I do care about him but I've kinda forced myself to fall out of love with him- if that makes sense.

 

I know for a fact it was hell month because his other coworkers were going through the same thing, and he would even call me from work 3am sometimes and he sounded exhausted, as did he look exhausted when I saw him briefly. I do not wait around for him, I focus on life, go out on dates, etc... he's kinda just there. Wonderful friend and I care for him more than I'd like to admit, but I've worked on getting my head straight. As I said, I don't call it a relationship either. I'm pretty busy with school and work and music and also moving in 4 months so it helps me to keep my distance and not think about him so much. He does often tell me how he feels about me though, but I try to take it with a grain of salt unless action follows.

 

Also, I've warned him a few times that I'd walk away so if he wanted to let me go, he could easily. Especially with all the constraints in his life... it's much more of an emotional affair anyway.

Edited February 9, 2014 by heylovey22

[woinlove]

Wo, we did have an issue a little before Holiday time but that cleared up and things were okay. I'm not necessarily downplaying... I do care about him but I've kinda forced myself to fall out of love with him- if that makes sense.

 

I do not wait around for him, I focus on life, go out on dates, etc... he's kinda just there. Wonderful friend and I care for him more than I'd like to admit, but I've worked on getting my head straight. As I said, I don't call it a relationship either. I'm pretty busy with school and work and music and also moving in 4 months so it helps me to keep my distance and not think about him so much. He does often tell me how he feels about me though, but I try to take it with a grain of salt unless action follows.

 

Re the bolded, do you think you've succeeded?

 

Again, sorry, but I suspect he is not a wonderful friend, although I understand you feel that way about him. If he became at all worried that you would disrupt what he considers his real life, you would likely see how much he is not a friend. He's a married AP. Do protect yourself. Read here and learn.

[heylovey22]

Anybody who betrays anybody isn't a friend... I would never do that nor would he expect me to.

 

We were friends first, and I do get it. But not everyone is made out to be a bad guy... we're all human. And I've known some terrible people.

 

And I do think I've succeeded. I don't have pictures of him, I don't ask of him or initiate anymore. I've found a way to emotionally detach atleast enough... obviously not completely. I will always care, but when I'm in love with someone I'm a loving, almost overbearing mess at times, and would need way more time and love than what he's giving me in that department. Plus I am able to see other people... when I was still in love with both of my ex's I couldn't even get myself talking to someone nevermind going on a date. ha.

[SugarHibiscus]

Lovely- You should probably listen to WO's advice instead of mine since I am a mOW in the midst of an intense EA/PA of my own.

 

I understand what you mean about trying to fall out of love with a person. I call it "managing expectations". (I'm sure that's not original.) I try to keep my feelings for him in check. It's hard though. For both of us.

 

I don't know the particulars of your situation but it seems to me that you have realistic expectations. Your living your life, etc.

[heylovey22]

Of course. Every situation is different. LS is right way more often than not, but nothing in life is ever black and white.

[woinlove]

Anybody who betrays anybody isn't a friend... I would never do that nor would he expect me to.

 

We were friends first, and I do get it. But not everyone is made out to be a bad guy... we're all human. And I've known some terrible people.

 

And I do think I've succeeded. I don't have pictures of him, I don't ask of him or initiate anymore. I've found a way to emotionally detach atleast enough... obviously not completely. I will always care, but when I'm in love with someone I'm a loving, almost overbearing mess at times, and would need way more time and love than what he's giving me in that department. Plus I am able to see other people... when I was still in love with both of my ex's I couldn't even get myself talking to someone nevermind going on a date. ha.

 

Wasn't thinking of you betraying, I meant if he thought whatever he's doing with you in any way threatened his M for real, then you'd see a different side of him.

 

If you feel detached enough and don't mind being an OW, then perhaps things will be fine for you. Worth examining both of those as sometimes either one or both affect xOW for years after the A even when they thought they were okay with all.