hea Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I've been out tonight with my two best friends, both of whom are in relationships. One of them has the perfect relationship, meet at high school, been only with each other, just bought a house and are now engaged. The other however is in a relationship, who argue ALL the time call each other, have opposite personalities, verbally abuse each other, have split up twice already but are still wanting to be together. How come the only ever relationship I've ever had. Who we never argued, got on really well, had the same goals in life, same pleasures, same views. And yet we do not work? He said he isn't attracted to me anymore. It is so unfair!! This is why there can't be a god. He's not coming back and it hurts so much. I'm going to be single forever. I'm never going to meet anyone like him again. I love him so much and he doesn't love me. Life is so unfair.
guest572 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Im the same, had a perfect relationship but he didn't love me. I look around and see so many dysfunctional relationships so why couldn't ours work.
Xemyd Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Yeah, I'm there too. My best friend constantly complains to me about her boyfriend, it's all I ever hear. I just want to slap her sometimes. I never once complained about my ex when we were together , there was nothing to complain about.
realfriends Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 You don't know that their relationships are perfect. I was with my ex from junior year of high school until my last semester of college. Things were great and we were both each others first but things can fall apart easily. There can be flaws that they hide. No relationship is perfect. Its always going to be a work in progress.
Author hea Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 It's so frustrating. I suppose maybe it's because people just want to be in a relationship. I can't see a couple who argue constantly loving each other, because if you don't get on, how could you? I guess it's down to personalities also. It's so unfair.
Musing Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 People in dysfunctional relationships are dysfunctional themselves. I have a friend in a 4 year relationship. Her boyfriend has threatened her, and tried to control her, and they always fight. But she allows it. She would rather be verbally, emotionally abused than single. She even asked me, "how do you do it?" (i.e. be willingly single) And he won't leave either because he likes her submissiveness. Most healthy women wouldn't allow it and would leave. These aren't relationships, they are nightmares. People in them settle for what they believe they deserve. They are not happy, they are a show because one or both involved can't stand the idea of not being wanted. Trust me, you don't want that. Pity those people, don't envy them. And this is just me and in no way a hard or fast rule or anything, but I could never be with one person my whole life. Could I be with one person the remainder of my life? Sure. But I think humans are wired to want to see what's out there. I could never marry young. I'd feel afraid that I'd wonder who else I missed out on when I had the chance. But again, just me. My experiences with every date, fling, ONS, LTR and LDR shaped who I am and I can say "yeah, I've been there and now I'm ready to calm myself down for one guy" - I'm not saying that now, but I'm sure when I find Mr. Fantastic-as-me, I will. tl;dr - All of these people settle. At least your ex felt that you had more integrity than to simply "settle" for you. I'd hate if my ex did that. 1
acidios Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 6 years with my ex we never had verbally abuse we never split and we where together every weekend we where the perfect couple for lot of people but you know something she dump me. you never ever know what happens in other couples and yes you will not also know what is inside your bf/gf mind.you just talk and hoping that they tell the truth and trust them simple as that.if someone does not want to be with you enymore you cant do enything to keep them Near you. and Hea. Yes Life is so unfair but trust me you are not going to be single forever.Yes you will not goin to meet anyone like him again and none of us will meet anyone like our ex's.you know why? the reason is that we will meet BETTER people than them.just think about it you want to meet someone like him? to crush your heart and feelings? nop.you are goin to meet someone better and thats hows life Works simple as that
Author hea Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 And this is just me and in no way a hard or fast rule or anything, but I could never be with one person my whole life. Could I be with one person the remainder of my life? Sure. But I think humans are wired to want to see what's out there. I could never marry young. I'd feel afraid that I'd wonder who else I missed out on when I had the chance. I appreciate you being honest, and you've got to understand this is an opinion that really annoys me, as I feel this is the reason my ex split up with me. This is exactly why relationships don't last. When the going gets tough no one works at a relationship, and they think it's no bother because they will find someone else. Instead of appreciating what and who you have, your too busy thinking your missing out on something. At the end of the day no one os perfect, so your never going to find 'mr perfect' or 'mr fantastic-as-me' because he doesn't exist. What would happen of you found someone you loved, and appreciated, but you had an issue. You'd walk away and not work at it because you'd be able to find someone else. But what if you never meet anyone you love as much as them? You'd have to regret it for the rest of your life! It's a bad attitude to have. And an extremely selfish one, getting into a relationship with someone when your never fully committed. Your going to break their heart from the get go, as you know you don't want to be with them forever. 2
Musing Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) I appreciate you being honest, and you've got to understand this is an opinion that really annoys me, as I feel this is the reason my ex split up with me. This is exactly why relationships don't last. When the going gets tough no one works at a relationship, and they think it's no bother because they will find someone else. Instead of appreciating what and who you have, your too busy thinking your missing out on something. At the end of the day no one os perfect, so your never going to find 'mr perfect' or 'mr fantastic-as-me' because he doesn't exist. What would happen of you found someone you loved, and appreciated, but you had an issue. You'd walk away and not work at it because you'd be able to find someone else. But what if you never meet anyone you love as much as them? You'd have to regret it for the rest of your life! It's a bad attitude to have. And an extremely selfish one, getting into a relationship with someone when your never fully committed. Your going to break their heart from the get go, as you know you don't want to be with them forever. My ex actually broke up with me for that reason, it's why I am here. And the reason that I let him go without so much as a peep since is because I understood where he was coming from because I did it myself. I had a great first relationship. But I wondered "what if". I feel like youth just brings up that natural curiosity. So I left. And I'm glad I did because we both grew into such different people, it couldn't have worked. I wanted to go to college and live in the city, he wanted to work on a farm. He found someone better suited for what he was looking for. When I feel a relationship isn't right for me, I leave. If there is a problem and I want to be with the person I try to fix it. But at the end of the day...there doesn't need to be a problem for a relationship to fail. Just one person who simply is not into it. This is pretty much what it comes down to. I go into relationships with the best of intentions.Every time I got into a relantionship I had hoped he'd be the one to make me stop wondering...but either he wasn't that guy, or I wasn't the girl that did that for him. I never think "I'll date and play around with him and leave" Nothing like that, actually. But I try to keep an open mind that no, this may not work out. That majority of relationships don't. That's why for every married person, there are a couple of exs left behind. The guys I was with I was very attracted to and genuinely liked, however when you are with someone long enough sometimes you just realize something is missing, or maybe this isn't what you want, or that you were acting on the "honeymoon high" aka the thrill of the moment. It's never for bad intent. But, I do believe in "sewing your oats" and being selfish while you're young. I actually recommend it. It helps you to get to know yourself, as long as you are respectful to others. I feel like we have a lot of learning to do while we are young. It's those crappy, awesome, crazy experiences that give us life perspective and make us grow and evolve. When I was little I wanted a fairytale. I thought that being a great girlfriend would get me that. But life doesn't really work out that way and to be honest, I'm glad it doesn't. I dumped guys,and was dumped myself. I was able to see what dating is like...that people are different, and what I would tolerate, what I wouldn't, and I learned from it all. And right now, I know my ex has a journey ahead of him because he wants to know what else is out there before saying "okay, I'm ready". His exact words to me were "I can't marry the first one(girlfriend)" It's a sign of immaturity, but I don't think is necessarily bad. People need heartbreak, they need happiness, they need experiences to help them better evaluate huge commitments. Sometimes, you just need to know what else is out there. That's why many parents urge their kids to wait before marrying and date a little. To me it just makes sense. Some people don't look at dating like this. I do. I don't want a person who is perfect, I was someone who I feel is perfect for me. Who I can feel in sync with and am compatible with. One day I'll find him when I am ready to and if I am so lucky. But just because a relationship is going good, does not mean it is good for me, or good for me right now. I wouldn't want to settle if something feels off, and I wouldn't want to waste the other person's time. Rather they'd hate me for an honest truth than keep going on a sweet lie, you know? Sorry that I seem to have struck a nerve. It is nothing personal to anyone, just another viewpoint. I know many people who vehemently disagree with me, so you are in luck there. But this is just how I look at dating. It's all a learning experience and not for the faint at heart. I don't speak on behalf of everyone just myself and what I have observed and been through myself. Edited February 9, 2014 by Musing
singme2sleep Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I've been out tonight with my two best friends, both of whom are in relationships. One of them has the perfect relationship, meet at high school, been only with each other, just bought a house and are now engaged. The other however is in a relationship, who argue ALL the time call each other, have opposite personalities, verbally abuse each other, have split up twice already but are still wanting to be together. How come the only ever relationship I've ever had. Who we never argued, got on really well, had the same goals in life, same pleasures, same views. And yet we do not work? He said he isn't attracted to me anymore. It is so unfair!! This is why there can't be a god. He's not coming back and it hurts so much. I'm going to be single forever. I'm never going to meet anyone like him again. I love him so much and he doesn't love me. Life is so unfair. I'm right there with you girl, I could have wrote this thread myself. I honestly feel like God doesn't want me to be in love and happy. I'm a good person and a good catch, yet I get dumped while he finds somebody new 2 months later. Talk about a slap in the face. Maybe I'll join a convent when I'm 30. 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It's called " falling IN love, versus settling for a person you grow to love" It is not common to meet people who you are head over heels in love with. It happens though just not with every person you date. Most people don't get excited about their first dates. They don't get excited for a phone call or to see them again. Most people date people because they are attracted to them, they like hanging out with them and they don't want to be single and this person is their best option. They don't get butterflies. They never had a spark. It takes people like this up to a year to fall in love...... People in those situations, who think the spark, chemistry and butterflies are all a thing of fiction, in the movies, eventually go " so what I get along so well with this person, they are my best friend and they are such a solid person with impeccable values. Not to mention a good mother" " I want to feel what it is like to be IN love, rather than just growing to love a person who is a good match for me" People leave because they want to feel crazy about someone. OR, even worse, your boyfriend may meet someone he is crazy about while still DATING you. Here is the bad and hard to understand news: a guy can be CRAZY about a woman that he is not very compatible with long term ^^^ yet the women he is very compatible with long term may not be girls who light his heart on fire with passion.
Author hea Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) Sorry that I seem to have struck a nerve. It is nothing personal to anyone, just another viewpoint. I know many people who vehemently disagree with me, so you are in luck there. But this is just how I look at dating. It's all a learning experience and not for the faint at heart. I don't speak on behalf of everyone just myself and what I have observed and been through myself. yeah it is a bit of a nerve! haha! but there is a reason. its nice to see other people points of view though. I suppose it boils down to what you want out of life as well. I want to fall in love with someone, and have a life with that person, family, experiences etc. Im not interested in dating around other guys because I know how hard it is to find someone who I love. I have dated a lot of guys, and I have never felt with ANY of them what I felt for him. I never wanted to have a LTR with them because I just didn't feel 'it'. I appreciate it when I find it and don't want to easily let it go. Like I feel he easily let go of me. Also its a sour subject because he left me twice. The first time he said he had never been single and wanted to experience it, so he left me, but two weeks later he was dating someone else. A year later he came back and said he had made a mistake (whilst he was still with her) and we got back together (once she was out of the picture). It took a month before things changed and he just wasn't in to it. I feel like it was because he had still not experienced being single, which as you say is fine, if that's what he wants I cant stand in his way, and I wouldn't try. But because things had changed so quickly when we got back together he must have known he wasn't in it for the long term in the first place, so why did he come back?! He was going to break my heart AGAIN before we even got back together! I guess its my fault for being so naïve. he never even tried to make it work. It ended when I had had enough and finally had the guts to bring the subject up (9 months later!) And it all came out. Second time round, he said the spark had gone, and he just saw me as a friend. we had lasted 10 months. I have not seen him since the day he left, and yet he still messaged me for months after telling me he loved me, didn't understand why we didn't work, have a life planned for us, and that he misses me and I was his best friend. All the while I never begged, never initiated contact, and when we did talk it was always him who brought up the relationship. Its just one big emotional mess for me. He was saying everything I wanted out of a relationship, to have a life with a bf who is also my best friend. But he is still looking for that 'spark' and excitement of a new relationship, and that initial attraction you feel for someone. Its just so frustrating that people in my world who seem to have a bad relationship together, are the ones that seem to make it last. I guess all you need to make a relationship work is two people who are of equal opinion, and that's it. No love, no happiness, no respect. Just want to be together. (or not alone) As far as I know he is single now. I suppose its for the best. Edited February 10, 2014 by hea
singme2sleep Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Its just so frustrating that people in my world who seem to have a bad relationship together, are the ones that seem to make it last. I guess all you need to make a relationship work is two people who are of equal opinion, and that's it. No love, no happiness, no respect. Just want to be together. (or not alone) I'm starting to think this way too. I know girls who don't even deserve to have great relationships, but they do. Is it dumb luck? Why do they get it but not us?
Author hea Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I'm starting to think this way too. I know girls who don't even deserve to have great relationships, but they do. Is it dumb luck? Why do they get it but not us? I know! Unfair isn't it. Just trying to come to terms that I'll probably be alone for a long time as to stop feeling sad about it. And I'm only 25! I know girls who cheat on their bf's and yet they've still ended up in happy long term relationships. I guess it not only the good GUY who finished last. 1
LostConfused123 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I know! Unfair isn't it. Just trying to come to terms that I'll probably be alone for a long time as to stop feeling sad about it. And I'm only 25! I know girls who cheat on their bf's and yet they've still ended up in happy long term relationships. I guess it not only the good GUY who finished last. Yep, I never have and never would cheat. Never. Yet, my heart is shredded Not fair but it really is their loss. . . . right? just kidding.
singme2sleep Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I know! Unfair isn't it. Just trying to come to terms that I'll probably be alone for a long time as to stop feeling sad about it. And I'm only 25! I know girls who cheat on their bf's and yet they've still ended up in happy long term relationships. I guess it not only the good GUY who finished last. Good girls def finish last!!! And I feel the same way, I'm only 26 but it seems like I am meant to be alone too.
pickflicker Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I know! Unfair isn't it. Just trying to come to terms that I'll probably be alone for a long time as to stop feeling sad about it. And I'm only 25! I know girls who cheat on their bf's and yet they've still ended up in happy long term relationships. I guess it not only the good GUY who finished last. Look, life isn't fair. There is no such thing as divine retribution - ie: someone does something wrong, and the universe bitch-slaps them for it. When people say "Good guys/girls finish last", they're simply abdicating responsibility and playing the victim. You want to win at life? Then go out there and win. It's that simple. 1
SurplusIndifference Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I'm never going to meet anyone like him again. I love him so much and he doesn't love me. Do you really want someone else who doesn't love you like him?
SurplusIndifference Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 I know girls who cheat on their bf's and yet they've still ended up in happy long term relationships. If they were happy, they wouldn't cheat. I guess it not only the good GUY who finished last. That's a load of crap. Good guys/girls finish first most of the time. Most people that say "good" guys/girls finish last are doormats in the relationship. 1
Author hea Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 If they were happy, they wouldn't cheat. That's a load of crap. Good guys/girls finish first most of the time. Most people that say "good" guys/girls finish last are doormats in the relationship. Not they are not. coming from experience. Id never let anyone walk over me and if I had a problem with someone id say it. One the other hand id never deliberately hurt someone. 1
Author hea Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) When people say "Good guys/girls finish last", they're simply abdicating responsibility and playing the victim. You want to win at life? Then go out there and win. It's that simple. Easier said then done when it comes to a relationship. Career/social life ... yes. But when its out of your hands and in someone else's its a completely different matter. So its not that simple. If that was the case why do you think there are so many heart broken people on here? If that was how simple it was then everyone would be a winner wouldn't they? Edited February 11, 2014 by hea 1
Author hea Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 Do you really want someone else who doesn't love you like him? I said LIKE, not exactly like. And by that I mean his personality, and the connection we had. And the potential life we could have had together.
singme2sleep Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 hea- feel free to message me if you ever want to talk.
amelady74 Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 6 years with my ex we never had verbally abuse we never split and we where together every weekend we where the perfect couple for lot of people but you know something she dump me. you never ever know what happens in other couples and yes you will not also know what is inside your bf/gf mind.you just talk and hoping that they tell the truth and trust them simple as that.if someone does not want to be with you enymore you cant do enything to keep them Near you. and Hea. Yes Life is so unfair but trust me you are not going to be single forever.Yes you will not goin to meet anyone like him again and none of us will meet anyone like our ex's.you know why? the reason is that we will meet BETTER people than them.just think about it you want to meet someone like him? to crush your heart and feelings? nop.you are goin to meet someone better and thats hows life Works simple as that Im not sure how I feel about this. I thought the next guy I would find after my worst heartbreak ever would be better. I was single for three years and was lonely. The next guy I met was worse than the guy before. and now Im heartbroken again by a guy who was ten times worse than my previous ex. I dont understand this at all. I have never been too religous or anything and not sure exactly if I believe, but I really do feel like I need to just give this situation to god, and realize that there is something better out there, but I have to let this situation go. I have to give this away and let it go. It does not serve me. Maybe thats why I got myself into a similar but worse situation was because I never let the previous relationship go. Its hard to do, but I have to believe that I will not drown. I will come out stronger. I will stand up for my values before letting someone take my values away from me. This is not a well person, who could seemingly care so much to only be so harsh and cold in the end. We know we are good people. we have to know and we have to embrace our lives and do our best. Keep strong and know you deserve better, dont settle for someone who is similar or treats you even worse. abuse is not a game, it destroys lives. Dont give them the right to abuse your kindness and your worth. Dont give them the chance to do it over and over again. See those red flags, and walk away. keep busy on anything and everything you can. Peace be with you
Author hea Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 hea- feel free to message me if you ever want to talk. Thanks probably will if my PM worked but I'm new(ish) to the site! 1
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