emh1969 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Hi everyone, I'm feeling very confused and need some input. I'm from the US but am living in Colombia and have been going out with someone for the past year. I'm 44 and she's 36. We've discussed getting married and also having a family. At the same time, we've had some ongoing issues that I felt needed resolved before we made such a commitment. Today we discussed those issues. And it didn't go very well. Before I get into the issues, I want to say that we definitely have some things in common (for example we're both vegetarian) and we have a lot of fun together and laugh a lot. The main issue is this: her way of communicating is very direct. She can be quite judgmental and critical. That includes being judgmental and critical of me, including for very minor things that leave me completely baffled. Today we talked about communication and she made it very clear that she has no intention of changing anything. She really doesn't care how her words affect other people. I'm pretty much the opposite. Connection with other people is really important to me and I do what I can to communicate in a sensitive, caring way. Anyway, she made it clear that I have to either accept her as she is or we should break up. On the one hand, I get what she's saying. Part of loving another person is accepting them as they are. On the other hand, communication is fundamental to any relationship. And I find it strange that someone wouldn't be willing to make some changes to improve the communication with their partner and to communicate with them in a positive way. Anyway, I'm open to any thoughts and wisdom. I'm feeling a bit sad, frustrated, and confused. Thanks for listening!
salparadise Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 It sounds to me like it runs a lot deeper than communication. Being judgmental, harshly critical and unapologetic are personality characteristics that would still be there even if she did tone down the words. If you're an understanding, compassionate kind of guy then it's just a matter of time before the fundamental incompatibilities turn into an all-day train wreck. You need someone who matches your type in certain aspects, and I'm confident these are at the top of that list. I recently cut one loose for similar attitudes even though the communication was perhaps less harsh. She basically said that she doesn't see why all the fuss about suicide prevention––if that's what somebody wants to do then let them. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I work in the mental health. Next. 1
newmoon Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) honestly, this woman sounds very much like my way of communicating, and it is probably the number one reason why (at 39) I am still unmarried and very successful in my career. when a woman has that style of communicating (more direct and straight-up, similar to many men), it is from childhood, it's not going to change, and it's a behavior that you'll either have to accept or not. it doesn't get better and, from my own experience, when I've tried to change it, it leads to internal frustrations. it's almost as if you cannot express yourself the way you really want if you are changing it for someone else. communication styles are not as easy to change as say... what end you squeeze toothpaste from or how you fold the towels. I had a partner like you; he was 'milder' in terms of how he communicated and I was quite fierce/bossy/upfront and it led to massive conflicts and just bad communication in general, because he would misunderstand my tone, or how I meant things to be said. even when I meant something lovingly, he might interpret it wrong because it was blunt, straightforward, etc. it was the reason for our eventual split, despite super chemistry and really great matching on most everything else. he called me very unflexible and 'hard' and 'critical' wa his favorite word for me, even though I never ever thought I was being that way. I still don't - it's just how I communicate and he took it 'wrong' she might try to change it - I said I would try as well - but it's frustrating and not easy and there are better matches for women like us (sorry!). many men are ok with being a bit more dominated in conversation and my current bf is like me - he can fight back, which is actually a better pairing for someone with this type of communication style. usually a woman like that would want a very strong man/communicator so he can match her. you might even want to ask her if she's bothered at all by how you communicate to her. imo it's something that will frustrate her if she has to change it (and it won't change permanently at her age). and it'll be hard for you if you like a softer type of delivery. Edited February 9, 2014 by newmoon 2
Tina747 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I see a big difference between being straight forward and direct as opposed to critical and judgmental. The two do not need to go hand in hand... The latter is not constructive and could imply an abusive and or controlling personality. Being honest with a partner is one thing but we all deserve to also be and feel valued and treated with respect by our supposed "significant others"... be careful... just my take on this. 1
Author emh1969 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Thanks everyone for the responses! Salparadise: Thanks, I see what you're saying about it being a relationship issue. And I can relate to your experience with the woman who didn't see the point in suicide prevention. I also work in the mental health field. Meanwhile my girlfriend hates people. Both people in general as well as specific people. And she talks about her hatred of people a lot. I get that people can be difficult, challenging, frustrating, etc, but personally I don't have the energy to hate. Newmoon: I appreciate your response since it seems like you have some things in common with my girlfriend. And much of what you said echoed things my girlfriend said to me. Tina747: Good distinction on the difference between direct vs. being critical judgmental. That's helpful. Thanks!
Andyy Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Communication is essential and it's amazing how different people go about it. If you want to make it work I'd recommend checking out a book called 'The Five Love Languages'. Essentially it breaks down relationship communication into the alleged five categories. It can really help your partner and yourself to understand how you each best give and receive communication/love. And if she really cares for you and wants to have children with you then this should be paramount. Communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Once you know how to talk to one another you can solve most problems.
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