Feelings and thoughts on differences between men and women when it comes to infidelit

[Lokahi117]

This was a post I put under another guys thread but it became a bit of a thread jack so I decided to place it here as it's own post and will likely post it on other sites as well. Because I'm very curious to start a dialogue about many things I've been learning while studying more and more about relationship and infidelity as a unit and as they exist separately.

 

Why so many have such a hard time getting over the physical aspect.

 

But it is still going to be very hard. Most men cannot stay and be happy after this has occurred. There was a posting of a study on here or another site that showed the numbers that stay after infidelity and when the wife cheats, far more of those marriages don't stay together. Though a part of this could be explained by the fact that women often cheat both physically and emotionally so they may themselves leave their betrayed spouse.

 

But I also find large numbers of men who can't get over it if it was physical. And this has to primarily with the bilogocal and social pecking order. You have been made into the second choice sexually, she preferred another man over and that is often too hard to get over.

 

And yes i am with the crowd that believes men and women are different. Not just asexual beings only differentiated by penis or lack thereof, but rather very different all together.

 

So the same theories cannot apply unilaterally across the board without taking gender into account.

 

And as far as your counselor is concerned, many counselors don't truly get men and try this one size fits all approach. After all, there really is no male psychology subset. And do remember that psychology as a profession really came about recently. And really started taking a foothold for couple counseling etc even more recently. So it's likely to be skewed by the "modern" bias that developed where we believe in treating men and women as carbon copies of one another emotionally.

 

Very much all of a mans identity is as a sexual being. You can't bear children, you can't nurse children. You can have sex....that's how you play into the reproductive equation. So when that is removed from you........it's bad. A similar feeling would be a man choosing to have babies with another woman other than his wife. Even though his wife is very much wanting babies with him. Then after the wife finds out, she feels very much like second choice and not worthy on a level that is so deep and so engrained in her, that simply expecting she can choose to get over it any time she wants, would be considered ludicrous.

 

But yet with a man, we again dismiss and downplay his feelings and emotions and say "it was just sex", "it's no different than her having had sex with others before you" etc etc.

 

And yet it comes up time and time again, that men do feel differently about the act when it occurs after their wife has been with them. It's not about dates, timing, or what arrangement or commitment quid qou pro was in place at the time.

 

For example, many men can't get back together with their lady if they break up or separate and she goes out and has sex with other men. Technically she was not breaking any commitments. They were broke up. But many men I've talked with cannot get over the idea she gave herself to another man......even though they know she had other men before himself.

 

It's a working theory I'm loosely calling "special penis complex."

It's explains that men think of their penis as special. It's the most special penis god ever created. And his lady was only satisfied or desired those other penises because she didn't know his special penis existed or how truly special it was. But now, after had his penis, it challenges everything he thinks of his penis and by extension himself when she chooses to go have another after having had his.

 

I've seen this so often on these forums and others, plus in my own life with a lot of the men I talk with.

 

Ok I'm interested in some thoughts from men and women about all this. Please include your status (married, single divorced, betrayed spouse, wayward spouse, other man, other woman, and sex and age, if you would please). It helps to me to better develop my own theories and understanding.

[Confused48]

I think there is far too much sexism on this issue. I know the stereo types very well. I keep seeing people here on LS that defy the stereotypes, so many. I think that the people that take comfort in the stereotypes see ample evidence of them. More objective people do not.

[xAkulax]

I thinks your spot on. Men like to feel like they won a prize something highly treasured when we fall in love and marry are partners but when the affair happens that prize stops being special tarnish almost lacking value it once had the person is still the same the body is still the same but that sense of value is gone.

 

 

 

same answer different forum:laugh:

[Lokahi117]

I'm pleased to see people engaging in the discussion, though I noticed this far we have no indications of status, sex, and bs or ws. I'm particularly curious how these influence our feelings on the subject.

[Spark1111]

My H had almost a two year affair after 24 years of marriage: Six month EA that progressed to a over year long PA.

 

I almost divorced him, due to trickle-truthing, but today, we are happily reconciled.

 

We were childhood sweethearts the broke apart when I left for college and he moved cross country for a job.

 

He still gets blindly jealous about a FWB guy in college when we were broken up!

 

Go figure.... Still obsessed with the sex we had, even though I have assured him 1000 times....it was NOTHING in comparison to him.

 

yes! There is MERIT to your hypothesis I think.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It's a working theory I'm loosely calling "special penis complex."

It's explains that men think of their penis as special. It's the most special penis god ever created. And his lady was only satisfied or desired those other penises because she didn't know his special penis existed or how truly special it was. But now, after had his penis, it challenges everything he thinks of his penis and by extension himself when she chooses to go have another after having had his.

 

 

From what I see men are actually MUCH more likely to put up with a cheating spouse. The women who stick around and forgive are often more interested in maintaining lifestyle... and a huge chunk of the women who cheat eventually leave of their own free will.

 

Guys that boot their cheating wives generally seem to have higher self esteem. I don't think the sexual stuff is much different from what women go through when cheated on. As for the idea of a guy have a "special penis" type thinking... it's most often the exact opposite. Most men who are cheated on struggle with having provided all this stuff for the woman while she does some other guy on the side. It's much, much more about the input of effort.

Edited February 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HEY2147]

I like this hypothesis but I don't think its the full story I like to think of relationships compared to animals we are not so different. Before I continue I am male in early 20s in a long term relationship.

 

In the animal world mating consists of three mating systems:

 

Monogamy: Two individuals have an exclusive mating relationship

Polygamy: A single individual concurrently carries relationship/mates with one or more of the opposite sex.

Promiscuity: Any male and female will mate within the social group.

 

I think that our species tends to be more of the monogamous group but because of our self awareness we are all three

 

So I do agree with you that for men its harder to get over the betrayal of a Physical Affair because it does make him feel like second choice sexually.

 

For example the Elephant Seal. The elephant seals reproduction nature is that there is an alpha seal only one and he will mate with all of the female seals to have babies with all the other elephants seals are betas and cannot mate with the seals. These beta males with mate with female seals when the alpha is asleep, distracted, or he becomes the alpha himself. So the human males feels like betas when their woman cheats with another male.

 

So I wonder if the human males were able to fight the OM would they feel more better about themselves. I think that is one of the reasons why most BHs want to fight the OM to reclaim their alpha status in social groups and in the eyes of their spouse.

 

In another species like the Bald Eagles. The bald eagle species are monogamous both parents create a nest or a home if you will and the male for the most part would provide food for the female and their children and also protect the home from predators.

 

This is the fundamental role of being a man is to provide and protect of the female and his young. To be strong and resourceful for her while she in turn also takes care of him . And this is what I believe women look for too in a basic way in a male. So when the mans woman has an affair again its a beta feeling of being weak they view themselves as a weak man.

 

But think about the why we have monogamous relationships. The reason is to ensure our genes are passed on. Monogamy is a commitment which means no sex with other hence a guarantee that our children would be ours plus the other benefits of taking care of and easier access to sex. Why else would an eagle take care of a child and its mother if he knows its not his. Thats why men dont marry loose women because they cant give these things.

 

So when your partner has sex with another why are you doing all of the providing and protecting if she goes off with other men the guarantee that your children will be yours is broken the feeling of being an alpha is gone and the guarantee access to sex is also broken because he will think that the alpha was better and you're the beta.

 

And vise versa for women the guarantee that he will provide and protect you is broken too. He might provide for the OW and if she gets pregnant the guarantee that he will give a home food resources and protect and take care of the children is non existent. If the man is not spending time with her he can not provide happiness safety and security to her.

Thats why women want good guys but not nice guys who is not an alpha and why some go after "bad boys" because they are alpha among the other males which means safety or protection but cannot provide food home and security or guarantee anything in the long run. Women want the middle ground a man who is good strong who can protect her provide for her and committed which means security.

 

I think almost everything we do is fundamentally animalistic I mean think about it why do women wear make up to attract a male and to be socially acceptable. Why do men exercise to be and look strong to attract females because females subconsciously think oh he looks strong and alpha he could provide and protect me. I remember watching a video in which when a female is attracted to a male her hormones would make her more nice sweet and helpful to attract males because it shows us subconsciously that she will be a good mother and a good homemaker as well.

 

Love is just a chemical reaction called Oxytocin that compels animals to breed but the monogamy ensure us the benefits of offspring safety security sex and protection. Its up to both male and female to ensure that oxytocin or love is continued to be released into the brain for a monogamous relationship to work in my opinion. It needs trust and communication so that we as partners both male and female can work on the relationship to keep each other happy. Thats why I always tell my GF that if she ever feels as if Im neglecting her or make her feel unloved she should tell me and vise versa I try to tell her if I have a problem with our relationship and thats why I like this website cause it helps me communicate that to her and try to keep her happy. I would like to hear what you think about my version hypothesis do you think its true or am I lacking anything?

[SugarHibiscus]

The biological background for human social behavior.

[William]

Since this thread appears to be more of an academic study on male/female differences with regard to infidelity and the thread starter doesn't self-identify as a participant or betrayed spouse, we'll move this, per policy, to GRD.

[silicone]

Some red pill theory exists here.

 

It all appears to be true though.

[BlametheIrish]

My ex husband cheated on me and was verbally abusive. I left him.aftet I found evidence of him cheating. But even if he treated me amazingly and cheated I'd still.leave him in a heartbeat. I refuse to.stay with someone who physically cheated on me no.matter the circumstances. I am completely inflexible when.it comes to.this isssue.

[Lokahi117]

I am a bh but I would like this moved back to infidelity as this is where the people whom have actually had this issue are going to see it and reply. Since it has been moved, the viewing and response has been non existent.

 

Thank you mod.

[Revolver]

Men seem to be more concerned over the physical aspect of cheating, she blew this guy, she slept with someone other than me.

 

For women it's more the emotional aspect, he wants to hang out, talk to, do things for another woman more than me

[Scott0310]

I'm going to label myself as a BH, wife and I are separated but she dated and slept with someone within a month of the separation.

 

I would have to agree closely with Revolver, from my stand point, and I'mgoing to torture myself here. I cannot get out of my head that my wife layed down, or what ever position she took, and spread her legs for this other guy whom she barely knew. Allowed him to do to her what ever they did. But i also know there were emotions involved for her. Such as the newly refreshed feelings of someone wanting you, or the feeling you get when you meet someone knew who is trying to impress you, versus having been with me for 10 years and those feelings being more dormant (my fault and kind of why we're separated). For me its that she had feelings for this guy and what ever sexual acts they performed.

 

Now I am trying to get past that, I want to save my marriage, and to be honest since she slept with him, her and I have slept together, and it was pretty intense, compered to are usual boring sex. I'm not sure if its because we are in a separated state, or what ever...at the same time I got her to cum, something that is actually hard for her and she even admitted she didnt with him...but she did with me afterwards because she knew she could trust me. I am not sure if i would go with the whole Alpha/Beta male thing, I cant say what I would do to this guy if I ever met him, I'm sure I'd try to run him over, but its more because after he slept with my wife he dumped her and hurt her. And I say it like that because many years ago I dated a girl who was also in the process of a divorce so I was actually the OM once. She is going to have to live with her actions, but if we reconcile, I am going to have to live with the fact my wife did what she did...I guess that just means I have to try harder during sex (phun intended)!

[waterwoman]

Sorry, too busy giggled like a child at 'special penis complex' to answer seriously. Isn't every penis a special one? Blessed by all possible deities to be amazing and utterly unique?

 

If it helps I am a BW. FWIW I was much more concerned with what was going on in his head and heart than in his pants. I could forgive sex, I would struggle to deal with h wanting to leave and be with a 'soul-mate'.