guest572 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Everyone says to keep talking to friends and family and this usually helps. But sometimes makes me feel much worse. When a "friend" says "oh, he probably wanted to find someone better" or "he probably cheated on you or met someone else and it just lying to you". These things haven't crossed my mind, but now I start to consider it I feel so hurt. It absolutely kills me to hear these theories. Also, I never asked for their opinions! I don't think they mean to be horrid but are talking about their own experience and applying it to mine. They think that all men are the same. Even if their theory is true I DONT want to know! Does anyone have friends giving them poor advice? Why on Earth do people say such things?
Musing Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Oh do I know these feelings. Or how about "He was probably letting you down gently, they always lie during a BU" Like damn, am I that awful that he didn't want to be honest? It almost makes me insulted that they'd draw these conclusions. But I suppose people are just trying to make it easier for you to move on. After all, it's easier to move on from a jerk than someone who was genuinely cared out. The way I look at it is like this: You (hypothetically) have the same possibility of him leaving you due to him cheating, as you do for him "being too scared of his feelings for you" or him feeling threatened by your superior femininity. In other words, neither matter in the end...he still left you. For what reasons, they are neither here nor there. And, no one but HE knows why. That means...although in your view, it must be for something "not terrible" (i.e. bad timing, wanting space, feeling scared) and in your friends' it's awful (he never cared, is sleeping around, etc) at the end of the day, no one knows. I'm sorry if this isn't making sense. It makes sense in my head, lol, You just gotta remind yourself and regardless of the reason, he's not here and you're still golden. 2
HokeyReligions Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 As much as nature abhors a void, humans abhor silence. After my daughter died people kept saying things like "she's out of pain now" or "she wont have to face a lifetime of suffering" and even worse after my son died less than 3 years later "well at least he's with his sister now and she'll look out for him". I wanted SO MUCH to just slap those people. If you dont know what to say then dont say anything. Or say exactly "I don't know what to say". Just tell your friends that you dont want to talk about it or be honest and tell them their comments hurt and you would find more comfort in platitudes or just not talking about it. 2
LostConfused123 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 My family (I love them) BUT, they were pretty much useless. . . Hahaha!!! my dad is very scientific and just explained it was nature's way of making sure our species survives. . . WTF???? Then if I ever brought it up, it was quickly dismissed. My mother said " Enough!!! Stop talking about him!! Get on a dating website and find another one" yeah, she actually said that and it was the same day the breakup happened. Again.WTF???? My brother is not at all emotional and I don't think he's even capable if heartbreak. It felt like I almost had to hide my pain because it would be viewed as a weakness. . . I never cried in front of any of them again. As far as they know, I got over it 5 minutes after it happened because frankly they wouldn't tolerate such "silliness" So yeah, love my family and they are there for me in so many other ways but when it comes to heartbreak, I'm on my own. It was very tough abd lonely. Still is sometimes. Hang in there!!! ((hugs!!))
sugarpea Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Your friends think they are helping by giving you reasons to hate him. My ones always said things like how he doesn't deserve me or how crap a boyfriend he is etc. and really when you still have feelings for someone you don't want to hear about bad things about them or alternatively how well they are doing. If it is certain friends that keep saying these things I would avoid confiding in them about this. I did. I just spoke to certain friends that made me feel better. I think friends have different approaches to it and some were very tough love with it. I confided a lot in family and friends and I found that it didn't really help, no matter what they said they wouldn't understand as he was my first and it was 6 years and that's when I came here. Also I found confiding in them actually made my relationships with them more awkward. Think it was because I was depressed about it no one wanted to speak to me made me feel more alone.
JDPT Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I don't think they intentionally mean to hurt you, we are a product of our past experiences. They may have this ubiquitous fallacy about a particular gender and project it onto you. I would take their "advice" with a grain of salt. Take the good from the bad and continue to propel yourself forward.
spiderowl Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Everyone says to keep talking to friends and family and this usually helps. But sometimes makes me feel much worse. When a "friend" says "oh, he probably wanted to find someone better" or "he probably cheated on you or met someone else and it just lying to you". These things haven't crossed my mind, but now I start to consider it I feel so hurt. It absolutely kills me to hear these theories. Also, I never asked for their opinions! I don't think they mean to be horrid but are talking about their own experience and applying it to mine. They think that all men are the same. Even if their theory is true I DONT want to know! Does anyone have friends giving them poor advice? Why on Earth do people say such things? They say such things because they are insensitive idiots!
Itspointless Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I often think people subconsciously hope they find a friend who experienced the same thing so that they have someone who they can share their pain and grief with without the tedious explaining: just like us here Next to that there are those people who do not know what you are going through and just say really stupid things, as they have the feeling they have to say something. And of-course it is also is a trait of people to generalize.
strive Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 One of the things I read here in LS in the early days of my BU was that after the BU, think of all the horrible things that your ex could do to you. He cheated on you. Say bad things about you to your mutual friends. Blame you for the BU. Tell everyone you're bad in bed. Have an orgy every night with a bed full of supermodels. Take his new GF to the trips you used to plan together. Spend all his money on her. Then imagine them doing the dirtiest things in bed you could think of. Etc, etc. I accepted this as truth, and it was terrible. It crushed all hope. It made me loathe him. It made me want to have nothing to do with him anymore. And it also turned out to be very good advice. Because when I found out that he really DID leave me for an OW two weeks after the BU, it didn't devastate me the way it would have had I been clinging to hope that we'd get back together. Instead I thought "I ****ing knew it!" and hated him so much more. And, as a lot of people here in LS would testify, the Anger phase is the best phase. So all I'm saying is don't hate your friends too much. They could help you numb the pain if someday you find out there's a different reason for your BU than you originally thought. 1
Blizeow Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Oh, my friends have been the WORST post BU! That is why I joined this forum! You're not alone! 1
radiodarcy Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Oh, my friends have been the WORST post BU! That is why I joined this forum! You're not alone! Agreed! I just stopped bringing it up with my friends. I know they meant well and were trying to dole out tough love and help me move forward faster. But I needed to move on on my own time table not theirs. Coming to the forum helped me get over my ex more than talking with my friends did. Yes everyone goes through a break up, but unless someone is actually going through a break up at the moment, it can be very difficult for them to relate to the roller coaster of emotions that go with it.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 If you think your friend meant well, try to let it roll off your back. Fresh off a break up some work colleagues (all men) took me out to cheer me up. After a few drinks one of them said it was for the best because men don't want to marry women in my profession. The speaker & my EX all had the same job as me. Really, it was all I could do not to burst into tears right there. As I excused myself & practically ran to the ladies' room, I heard one of the other guys punch the speaker in the arm & call him a nasty name, followed by "way to go; you made her more upset." The speaker didn't mean it in a nasty way. Years later we still tease each other about that night. If other friends are more supportive spend more time with them.
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