Just sent a Facebook message to a former friend... I regret it already

February 8, 2014

Hi everyone! I've been posting here for a few months now, but have never actually started a thread of my own. I'm definitely more comfortable talking about people other than myself, but I want to try anyway. So basically:

Background: I had a really close friend in high school, and we were all part of the same group who I was also very close with. High school didn't end particularly well for me when at the start of senior year (2008) my boyfriend of two years broke up with me and punched me in the face in the middle of my high school. I was depressed and started to spiral down in a significant way. Former friend and everyone in the group declared they would look after me and that they loved me.

Flash forward 2 months and former friend as well as my other closest friend from my group started ignoring me completely. They literally refused to acknowledge my presence, even when we were put in groups to do class assignments together. I was absolutely devastated and completely confused as to what I'd done - my friends were my only support system and I needed them. So I asked mutual friends what had happened, but the only thing former friend would tell them was, "She knows what she's done". Over the next couple months, all my other friends from the group stopped associating with me also, because they didn't want to become outcasts too. Needless to say, I felt broken, humiliated and completely alone. This treatment lasted the rest of my senior year, and even escalated to them spreading vicious rumours about me.

I found out in 2012 from the other girl that the reason for this treatment was because I had shared my marks with them and had done a little better than them despite being somewhat of a last minute rush kind of student. I didn't know what to do with that explanation, and still don't. They were my best friends, they knew what had happened to me with my ex, saw the blood on my face after it happened, and knew I had been barely getting through since. All because I did slightly better on assignments?

The message itself: I can't believe I messaged former friend, I am kicking myself as I type this. It all started when I got to finally unpacking some of my dusty boxes. I found a picture of us taken about 6 months before she stopped being my friend. I hadn't expected to see it, and suddenly all the memories and feelings came rushing back - both good and bad. One of the hardest parts about how everything ended is that it feels like the end invalidates the friendship itself.

So I messaged former friend, basically saying that I didn't want to look back in anger at the way our friendship ended, that I wanted to remember the good times when I thought back on that time in my life. I also said that I hoped her life was what she had wanted and that she was well. I should also point out that the last contact I had with her was when I (as a naive and hopeful 18 year old) had sent her a friend request on Facebook back in 2009. She declined and sent me a message saying "Why on earth would I accept a friend request from you when we aren't friends in real life???"

And that consludes my story, hope it wasn't too long. It feels weird posting it to a board full of strangers when I don't really feel comfortable talking about it with people in my real life. I think I'm afraid to admit how much that year (and the couple after where I continued to spiral further into depression) traumatized me. And that's why as mentioned in my thread title, I regret sending a message. I'm still very angry about what happened, and I inadvertantly opened the door to further pain, and really wish I had continued to ignore her as I have for the past 4.5 years. I don't know what will happen from this, but there is no postive and realistic outcome to hope for. I just wish I hadn't followed a dumb whim after finding an old photograph.

So anyway, I'd be happy to hear any thoughts on anything I've written, or opinions on what I should do if I actually get a reply out of this thing. Or even if anyone with a similar story wants to share their experiences.

February 8, 2014

If you don't hear back from her or she sends you a not so nice note back, just know that YOU are the bigger and better person. You reached out in a kind way, so that's a good thing. Never know, enough time has passed that she may send a hi note back.

February 8, 2014

Hi Kizmet Fisher.

Old memories die hard don't they?

Based on what you've written about her thus far, this former friend told you everything you needed to know; there never was a true friendship to begin with. Consider your Facebook message to her a minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things; just because you "opened the door" doesn't mean you can't close it again.

From my experiences, moving on from toxic relationships is more effectively accomplished by getting rid of associated sentimental items. In your case, it sounds like one of the most important things you can do is destroy that photograph and other sentimental items that bring back memories of the former friend.

Even if she has changed over the past 3-4 years, it sounds like you haven't sufficiently gotten over the painful experiences such that reestablishing a relationship is worthwhile. As an old adage goes: Out with the old, in with the new. This way, you can make space for people who truly love you for who you are.

That being said, it doesn't matter whether or not she replies; you can get right back into No Contact.

Feel free to let us know if you have any further questions for clarification. We can also share more details about our similar experiences if you feel that would be helpful.

Edited February 8, 2014 by sunrise24

February 8, 2014

You are too forgiving for your own good, and it will only get you in trouble if you keep inviting cruel people into your life. I'm truly truly sorry if you don't have any real friends and feel the need to reconnect with bad friends from the past, but you really must figure out why you're willing to take so much abuse. It sounds like bad self-esteem. Don't ever reward people for bad behavior. Turn new people away as soon as you sense they are disloyal or abusive. Don't settle for anyone who won't treat you at least as good as you treat them. Sadly, it is more often than not those who are super nice who attract those who will abuse them, because they're the only ones tolerant enough (too tolerant) who will put up with it. Redirect your life by rejecting those people and building a foundation with nice people.

February 8, 2014

If you don't hear back from her or she sends you a not so nice note back, just know that YOU are the bigger and better person. You reached out in a kind way, so that's a good thing. Never know, enough time has passed that she may send a hi note back.

I did reach out, this is true. But it was in a moment of wanting to not feel the anger that I still do about what happened. It feels like I pretended to be at the end of my healing journey, when I'm realistically nowhere near there yet. I really do want to bury the hatchet someday, but I'm still at the stage where it's her face I want to bury it in

February 8, 2014

Hi Kizmet Fisher.

Old memories die hard don't they?

Based on what you've written about her thus far, this former friend told you everything you needed to know; there never was a true friendship to begin with. Consider your Facebook message to her a minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things; just because you "opened the door" doesn't mean you can't close it again.

From my experiences, moving on from toxic relationships is more effectively accomplished by getting rid of associated sentimental items. In your case, it sounds like one of the most important things you can do is destroy that photograph and other sentimental items that bring back memories of the former friend.
Even if she has changed over the past 3-4 years, it sounds like you haven't sufficiently gotten over the painful experiences such that reestablishing a relationship is worthwhile. As an old adage goes: Out with the old, in with the new. This way, you can make space for people who truly love you for who you are.

That being said, it doesn't matter whether or not she replies; you can get right back into No Contact.

Feel free to let us know if you have any further questions for clarification. We can also share more details about our similar experiences if you feel that would be helpful.

I'm definitely a huge advocate for NC, that's why I'm surprised and disgusted with myself for reaching out to someone who betrayed me at such a crucial period in my life. I think maybe part of it is frustration that after over 4 years of NC I still carry so much resentment and anger towards my former friends.

I just really wish I could learn to forgive my former friends, but I just can't seem to do it. I even eventually forgave my ex boyfriend. Lots of people think ithat weird but to me, what my ex did was horrible but was also in the heat of the moment, whereas with the former friends it was all very cold and calculated.

February 8, 2014

You are too forgiving for your own good, and it will only get you in trouble if you keep inviting cruel people into your life. I'm truly truly sorry if you don't have any real friends and feel the need to reconnect with bad friends from the past, but you really must figure out why you're willing to take so much abuse. It sounds like bad self-esteem. Don't ever reward people for bad behavior. Turn new people away as soon as you sense they are disloyal or abusive. Don't settle for anyone who won't treat you at least as good as you treat them. Sadly, it is more often than not those who are super nice who attract those who will abuse them, because they're the only ones tolerant enough (too tolerant) who will put up with it. Redirect your life by rejecting those people and building a foundation with nice people.

Thank you for this, a lot of this is true. Except for me being too forgiving and too nice. Everything else though is pretty spot on. Part of my problem is that since adolescence I have always struggled to connect with people on a deep and meaningful level. Case in point, I have lots and lots of friendly acquaintances but only three close friends. It tends to be why I cling to previous connections even if they are no longer beneficial to me.

February 8, 2014

I'm definitely a huge advocate for NC, that's why I'm surprised and disgusted with myself...

Mistakes happen; no reason why you can't get right back into NC. A crucial part of overcoming painful experiences is continuing to more effectively love yourself & learning to turn adversity into triumph.

...after over 4 years of NC I still carry so much resentment and anger towards my former friends.

What relationships have you since formed to replace the old ones? NC leaves a void; when there's nothing to fill it, it's much harder to let the unhealthy emotions run their course.

I just really wish I could learn to forgive my former friends, but I just can't seem to do it.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you maintain or reestablish relationships with the wrongdoers per se; it means being able to let go of the pain such that reminders of the painful experiences don't continue to bother you. This relates to my second point. Everyone's growth in different areas happens at it's own pace; just because it's taking longer than you would like doesn't make it impossible.

EDIT: Just now saw you latest reply:

I have lots and lots of friendly acquaintances but only three close friends.

Only three close friends? How many close friends do you think you need to feel fulfilled companionship-wise? Have you talked with these close friends about your painful experiences with the former friends? If so, what have been their reactions? Edited February 8, 2014 by sunrise24

February 9, 2014

Three close friends is fine. It's probably my average over time. You are trying to resolve something by interacting, but you must know that that will not fix it. They are who they are, and they are not nice. Living well is the best revenge. Build new memories with good friends and your goal is to stop caring what those bad old ones think about you. Definitely get them off your Facebook and get off theirs! That's not healthy!

I learned something the hard way many years ago. It started with a betrayal in high school with my best friend. I quit being friends with her but when I went to college, she was the only one I knew there, so we gravitated back together. A few years later, she betrayed me 10 times worse. If you let them back in, they will only try to get away with more because you took them back before. Men or women, friends or lovers. Sometimes some people are just toxic to you and you must leave them behind because the same dynamic will just repeat itself.

Edited February 9, 2014 by preraph

February 9, 2014

I did the exact same thing that you did OP. And it happened less than 2 weeks ago. I email through facebook my first woman I loss my virginity to. This happened 21 years ago when I met her. This was a terrible mistake on my part. For I cannot keep my emotions in check. I talk to much. She is married now. Needless to say we were pretty much on the same page about no speaking to each other anymore. I canceled my facebook page for 2 days and when I reactivated it she block me. Which is good. I will not be on facebook again.I deactivated for the last time. It causes depression in 60% of the population. Nothing but problems. This facebook thing will cause major problems for society in the near future. Most of what people post on there page is nothing but words of someone else. All it is a attention getter.

February 12, 2014

Kizmet, what horrible treatment. You know, you're lonely for your old group of friends. You're human. But you need to work to make new friends, find a new group with people more like yourself. I say that because I suspect your old friends might be jealous of qualities you have.

You're getting good advice here. I wanted to comment on why a group of girls would reject you because of slightly higher grades. You're probably going to experience that again in your professional life so I'm going to recommend a book, it's called "In The Company of Women" by Pat Heim. She has a theory she calls 'the dead even rule' which means that women do not take kindly to another woman 'getting ahead of herself' and will do whatever it takes to not only bring her into the fold but punish her. And it gets as vicious as you described. So your friends were proving her theory right. You might want to check out the book or the videos online so you realize it really wasn't about you.

I'm wondering since you said you rushed at the last minute and did ok that you might be smarter than you allow people to know, maybe you yourself don't really admit this from years of practice? This wouldn't be unusual for young women, being really smart is still not considered very positive socially.

If that is the case, don't hide, just get a different group of friends. And if it happens at work, find a work place or a different group. It's the kind of thing management will often ignore. And most don't know what to do with it. Just find your (smart) tribe!

February 12, 2014

Kizmet, what horrible treatment. You know, you're lonely for your old group of friends. You're human. But you need to work to make new friends, find a new group with people more like yourself. I say that because I suspect your old friends might be jealous of qualities you have.

You're getting good advice here. I wanted to comment on why a group of girls would reject you because of slightly higher grades. You're probably going to experience that again in your professional life so I'm going to recommend a book, it's called "In The Company of Women" by Pat Heim. She has a theory she calls 'the dead even rule' which means that women do not take kindly to another woman 'getting ahead of herself' and will do whatever it takes to not only bring her into the fold but punish her. And it gets as vicious as you described. So your friends were proving her theory right. You might want to check out the book or the videos online so you realize it really wasn't about you.

I'm wondering since you said you rushed at the last minute and did ok that you might be smarter than you allow people to know, maybe you yourself don't really admit this from years of practice? This wouldn't be unusual for young women, being really smart is still not considered very positive socially.

If that is the case, don't hide, just get a different group of friends. And if it happens at work, find a work place or a different group. It's the kind of thing management will often ignore. And most don't know what to do with it. Just find your (smart) tribe!

Veronica, thank you so much for your kind words. I'll check out that book, I've definitely noticed over the course of my life so far that I find it much much easier connecting to and befriending men. I really do seem to struggle to maintain anything other than casual friendships with other women. I have on several occassions thought I had some pretty tight bonds but ultimately tend to end suddenly, leaving me left wondering what the hell happened.

February 12, 2014

Sometimes its really hard to forgive, it involves putting aside past hurts that possibly still twinge when you dredge them back up.....also what is hard is dealing with people who think you are an idiot for forgiving.......i always follow my heart and i have always forgiven.....big or small hurts......rape for one is pretty big probably the biggest i have forgiven...so...as far as forgiveness goes with hurt feelings i find them relatively easy to forgive ...i dont however forget and i am cautious with how i feel towards a person who has hurt me

I wish you well....i think to forgive is inherent in everyone.....it is always possible to forgive....even if it is hard......rock on....deb

February 17, 2014

I have on several occassions thought I had some pretty tight bonds but ultimately tend to end suddenly, leaving me left wondering what the hell happened.

Yet I do see really great female friendships too. They're the lucky ones!

I see a lot of advice given to those having problems with a friend to just disappear, including friendships that are decades long. That's messed up. Unless you're getting away from a mean person.

February 18, 2014

Women are catty, and the Queen Bee of a social group can ostracize someone over almost any slight, real or imagined. Stay away from "groups" and focus on building strong, one-on-one friendships from now on.

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