d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 But is this mild enough where it's excusable? I had a really great time with him. When he's sober, his texts are frequent and very funny/sweet. I guess I just don't know where to go from here if it's not just giving up on him? It wouldn't even register on my radar as a problem so for me it's totally excusable. But we're not talking about me. We're talking about you. One of your 1st Qs was how to make out without having it escalate to sex. You are concerned that he's a player. When a man invites you over to his house he expects things will get physical. When a man calls you while drunk & invites you over, he is making a booty call. Since you didn't go, if he calls again, it might mean he now understands that you want to date not just fool around & he's OK with that. He doesn't reach out again, you are clearly too much work. If you do go out with him again, keep to public places for a while to avoid the possibility of temptation.
FitChick Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 And now he texted this morning saying he needs help setting up a "serious date" with me. He didn't think asking via text was appropriate and didn't know how to set it up. So he wants to call and set up a date. Confused. Set up a date during the day next Saturday or Sunday. What is happening in your area? Festivals, art fair, skating, museums, sporting event. You need to spend time with him even if it's a "practice date" since you don't know how to date. Then you can excuse yourself saying you have a prior commitment in the evening and either say, "I had a great time, let's do this again" or "You are a nice guy but I don't think we are a good match."
Author abby_tx Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 It wouldn't even register on my radar as a problem so for me it's totally excusable. But we're not talking about me. We're talking about you. One of your 1st Qs was how to make out without having it escalate to sex. You are concerned that he's a player. When a man invites you over to his house he expects things will get physical. When a man calls you while drunk & invites you over, he is making a booty call. Since you didn't go, if he calls again, it might mean he now understands that you want to date not just fool around & he's OK with that. He doesn't reach out again, you are clearly too much work. If you do go out with him again, keep to public places for a while to avoid the possibility of temptation. Yeah, I was really bummed last night because I had spent time getting ready. Accidentally shaved a mole off my leg, bled forever and ever amen, did my hair. To do all that work and sit home at night sucked. Part of me was tempted to just head over there, but I knew it would send the wrong message. I was pretty shocked to get a text about a proper date this morning. I still have my doubts it would work since he evidently likes to spend weekends trashed, but I guess I'll see.
Author abby_tx Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Set up a date during the day next Saturday or Sunday. What is happening in your area? Festivals, art fair, skating, museums, sporting event. You need to spend time with him even if it's a "practice date" since you don't know how to date. Then you can excuse yourself saying you have a prior commitment in the evening and either say, "I had a great time, let's do this again" or "You are a nice guy but I don't think we are a good match." I'll be out of town over the weekend, so only a night time date will work. Maybe a movie and dinner to avoid bars/his house. Then I'll go home after.
HappyLove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I'm a believer that you teach people how to treat you. He sees that your not some desperate girl that's gonna run to his house at the snap of his fingers so now he has to step up and treat you with respect and take you on a proper date. I say if you have nothing better to do go and see what he's about but be careful he seems like a flake. Don't go back to his place or take anymore excuses.
StanMusial Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 And now he texted this morning saying he needs help setting up a "serious date" with me. He didn't think asking via text was appropriate and didn't know how to set it up. So he wants to call and set up a date. Confused. LOL. What in the hell? "Needs help" setting up a date? It's not rocket science, dang. 1
Gaeta Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Forget about his bar history. The fact only that he's 35 yo and did not manage to have a relationship longer than 2 years says it all. Then he drunk text you? You might as well date a teenage boy. Pass this one. 1
Author abby_tx Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 His last relationship was 2 years long, but I don't know his dating history before that.
RedRobin Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 once again... ignore it if you care to... A guy worth dating isn't going to booty call test you, or 'hang out at my place' test you... He's going to treat you respectably from day one. This guy is no prize whatsoever and not worth your time. What you'll find (mark my words) if you do go on a 'proper date' with him is that he will be pushing things all the way through. Getting to know him will be a total chore as you attempt to swim through all his routine sexting and groping during whatever date he strangely muscles himself into going along with. I predict he'll drop off the map after 3-4 dates... and even fewer weeks... if you aren't effing him by then... I'd bet money on it. 1
StanMusial Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I'll be out of town over the weekend, so only a night time date will work. Maybe a movie and dinner to avoid bars/his house. Then I'll go home after. Well you know him better than us, all we know is what you have written of him here. Having said that, it seems like you're trying to force a round peg into a square hole here. Either way, good luck.
Author abby_tx Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I am going to give him one more shot. If he blows it, I'm done.
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 He already blew it in several ways. Then women wonder why they can't meet good men. They're too busy giving chances to scumbags. 1
Author abby_tx Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 He already blew it in several ways. Then women wonder why they can't meet good men. They're too busy giving chances to scumbags. I wouldn't call this guy a scumbag. I know I asked for opinions here and it's lame to get defensive when I came here saying I wasn't sure I could get over his past, but let me just say this.... I'm a rather introverted person. People who don't know me think I'm serious, sweet, and quiet. But that's not who I think I am. No one sees the funny, sarcastic side of me. On first dates with 99.9% of the guys, I just lack that connection that makes me want to share anything about myself. I will force myself to try so we don't sit in silence, but I am not at ease and the best of my personality doesn't come out. With this guy, I INSTANTLY felt amazing. My personality came out, he made me feel at home, he made me comfortable. I could have talked to him for hours upon hours. And not only that, but we had extreme physical connection. To find something so damn rare, I feel it's worth giving him an other chance to see if there's more to him. I would rather do this and get hurt than date some nice guy who does not bring the best out in me. I guess I answered my own question?
Gaeta Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Listen to a good piece of advice from a woman that's been on 100s of dates before finding the right guy. 1. A man that doesn't take you out on 3 different REAL dates, outside your home and outside his home, is not serious about getting to know you, he's only interested into hooking up with you. 2. Sex doesn't mean ANYTHING, it doesn't even mean he likes you! 3. Wait 5 dates before getting to bed 4. Once you start making out THE LADY shows the man she is ready to take it further. A man that wants to do things right will wait for your signal. 5. If a man gets carried away and still insist on going further after you have said no, ....is a pig. So, take this, go out there, go make your mistakes, and we'll go over these rules again in your next thread. 1
Author abby_tx Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Well, he canceled our date last night. His reason was valid and we talked on the phone. I ended up going out to get a drink with friends instead. But then today he has been acting weird. Since our last date, we'd been texting nonstop. Good morning texts, goodnight texts, all afternoon. Today he only texted once in response to a question I had. My friends say guys get weird on v-day in new relationships because they don't know how to navigate. I have my doubts.
Barbarossa Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 My friends say guys get weird on v-day in new relationships because they don't know how to navigate. I have my doubts. FWIW I totally agree with your friends it's hard to know what a woman expects in a new relationship.
Author abby_tx Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 FWIW I totally agree with your friends it's hard to know what a woman expects in a new relationship. Would it be weird if I sent him a funny vday e-card? Too soon?
Author abby_tx Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Okay. Too late. Already sent it.
Bigcitydreamer Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Oh god you sound exactly like me right now! Like actually almost an identical situation to the point that its weird. See this is the kind of stuff that could fit into the thread "why are so many men players". It's hilarious to me that men will waste time talking to a girl they don't actually like just to boost their ego. Redrobin and others are absolute right about this. A guy that sees you as a potential girlfriend does not treat you like this in the beginning. If a guy really likes you there will be very few red flags, you won't be questioning yourself or his intentions. He would absolute make his intentions clear if he was genuinely interested. Guys are dirt bags and I only recently became single and am now remembering why dating sucks for girls. You would be so much better off turning down any more advances from him. That will give YOU the ego boost. Although I'm in a very similar situation I wasn't in it for long. I recognized the signs (frequent overly flirtatious texts, slow planning the date, cancelling the date and trying to reschedule etc) but my friends and his friends said he was "just playing hard to get" so I waited it out a couple of weeks but it couldn't be any clearer to me what his intentions are. I've actually never been wrong about that gut feeling that a guy isn't that into me. It sucks and is def a blow to the ego but I'd rather recognize it and walk away before becoming more invested in someone's words instead of their actions.
RedRobin Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Okay. Too late. Already sent it. Oh jeez. You are sending a valentines card to a guy who can't even manage to take you out on a date? (Face palm) Stop it girl... Just stop it. Take his lack of response as the blessing it is. He worked the charm on you trying to get you in bed either at your first meeting or shortly after. He is doing exactly as I predicted. You didn't eff him... Now he is heading off to find some party girl. I realize it is tough to let this one go if you felt a connection.. But please realize these guys are masters at manufacturing that 'connection' with lots of women. If you just have to have him ( for a night or maybe two) I suggest sending him a different valentines day card... Something like.. "I've got strawberries in my p*ssy and I'm dying for your whipped cream." That should do it. 1
Author abby_tx Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Oh god you sound exactly like me right now! Like actually almost an identical situation to the point that its weird. See this is the kind of stuff that could fit into the thread "why are so many men players". It's hilarious to me that men will waste time talking to a girl they don't actually like just to boost their ego. Redrobin and others are absolute right about this. A guy that sees you as a potential girlfriend does not treat you like this in the beginning. If a guy really likes you there will be very few red flags, you won't be questioning yourself or his intentions. He would absolute make his intentions clear if he was genuinely interested. Guys are dirt bags and I only recently became single and am now remembering why dating sucks for girls. You would be so much better off turning down any more advances from him. That will give YOU the ego boost. Although I'm in a very similar situation I wasn't in it for long. I recognized the signs (frequent overly flirtatious texts, slow planning the date, cancelling the date and trying to reschedule etc) but my friends and his friends said he was "just playing hard to get" so I waited it out a couple of weeks but it couldn't be any clearer to me what his intentions are. I've actually never been wrong about that gut feeling that a guy isn't that into me. It sucks and is def a blow to the ego but I'd rather recognize it and walk away before becoming more invested in someone's words instead of their actions. But I don't get it. Why do they still put effort into texting? And why bother planning dates they don't want to keep? It seems like way too much effort for a guy who only wants sex. I think I'm probably just sad and trying to convince myself I didn't fall for another jerk. His reasoning for canceling was a car accident. It seemed believable.
Author abby_tx Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 Oh jeez. You are sending a valentines card to a guy who can't even manage to take you out on a date? (Face palm) Stop it girl... Just stop it. Take his lack of response as the blessing it is. He worked the charm on you trying to get you in bed either at your first meeting or shortly after. He is doing exactly as I predicted. You didn't eff him... Now he is heading off to find some party girl. I realize it is tough to let this one go if you felt a connection.. But please realize these guys are masters at manufacturing that 'connection' with lots of women. If you just have to have him ( for a night or maybe two) I suggest sending him a different valentines day card... Something like.. "I've got strawberries in my p*ssy and I'm dying for your whipped cream." That should do it. It wasn't a vday card exactly. It was this hilarious fake vday card that made me laugh.
HappyLove Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 But I don't get it. Why do they still put effort into texting? And why bother planning dates they don't want to keep? It seems like way too much effort for a guy who only wants sex. I think I'm probably just sad and trying to convince myself I didn't fall for another jerk. His reasoning for canceling was a car accident. It seemed believable. I think you've given him enough chances OP. Time to move on to a man who doesn't play games. And sending texts and planning dates take ZERO effort. This is why guys who play games do it. He could send a text while sitting on the toilet. It's actually showing up for the date that takes effort. No point in getting sad, this is what every single one of us goes through to find our match. When the person proves to be not on your level you move on. What is sad is hanging in there and letting someone constantly set you up only to let you down. Move on.
Author abby_tx Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 I think you've given him enough chances OP. Time to move on to a man who doesn't play games. And sending texts and planning dates take ZERO effort. This is why guys who play games do it. He could send a text while sitting on the toilet. It's actually showing up for the date that takes effort. No point in getting sad, this is what every single one of us goes through to find our match. When the person proves to be not on your level you move on. What is sad is hanging in there and letting someone constantly set you up only to let you down. Move on. Okay. This makes sense. I don't want to be weak and keep letting guys get away with this. My last boyfriend made things so easy. He was reliable and never canceled. That didn't end up working but at least I know what it feels like to be liked.
HappyLove Posted February 15, 2014 Posted February 15, 2014 Hi Abby, I think you should avoid all the posters who are injecting their own personal experiences and hurt by another gender and concentrate on the FACTS at hand. You heard rumors that this guy might be a player. In life, at your age, do you think rumors cut it with making decisions in your life ? For all you know, your so called friend who had third party information he was a player could of had a crush on him, and was trying to dissuade you from connecting with him. For the posters who love to dissect the anatomy of a player, I would not heed their advice. First off, they are reflecting on their past experiences and hurt hence not giving an objective opinion. Just because someone has a past of hooking up at a bar a few times does not make a person a player. The fact that he showed two years of commitment in a relationship is a big factor in your decision making. Sometimes in life we have to take chances, but I wouldn't not take a chance based on a rumor and not fact. You forgot the most important FACT of all, and it's that this is like the third time he's canceled on her!
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