I'm not sure I can get over his past

[veggirl]

This guy wasn't introduced to her by a mutual friend. It was a random FB thing ... whatever that means.

 

How would you caution your daughter in a similar situation?

 

Presumably OP is a grown woman since this guy is 35. I'd be baffled my daughter thinks some drunk make outs in a bar = player. I'd probably advise her to relax.

 

Now this guy is 35, if this 'past' was last year then...maybe theres something to worry about. If it was in his 20s, then OP and my hypothetical daughter need to chill imo.

[TaraMaiden]

Reminds me of this other threat about women being sluts if they had a lot of men and virgin guys losers or whatever. Here is the third, men with a past are players/synomonous with the sluts :S. The men were getting killed out there for judging someone based on sexual history.

 

He has had a relationship of 2 years + made out with some women in a bar. Who hasn't?

 

^^^This^^^

 

There are currently a couple of threads running, posted by guys who couldn't get over their GF's past.

the difference was that in both cases, the relationships had been running for quite some time, and a lot of water had passed under the bridge by the time the OP's of those threads, brought it to the forum.

 

In this case, the OP knows nothing about this guy, and simply because he MIGHT have had a few flings in the past, and is now labelled 'a player' is no indication of who he is now, or what his intentions are.

 

The only way the OP can find out what this guy is like is to take the plunge - and date him.

he's come out of a 2yr relationship, which in my mind, doesn't indicate a 'player' at all.

 

Learn to embrace experience, and if you're in a situation with someone, YOU be the one, to judge the situation, now, according to CURRENT criteria, not past hearsay.

[BradJacobs]

Presumably OP is a grown woman since this guy is 35.

Hahaha.

 

I was guessing the OP was around low- to mid-20s or so based on the random FB thing that I completely ignored the guy being mid-30s.

 

I'm still too old and crotchety to understand how this works ...

[abby_tx]

I am 30. And let me explain how we randomly met on facebook. It's not as bad as it sounds. He's a mutual friend of several of my friends. I basically added him by accident when snooping on his profile from my phone. It wasn't until a year later that we IMed eachother. (I initiated it). We hit it off instantly. We have the same sense of humor. He was the one who then asked for my number and wanted to hang out in person.

 

I see both sides. Those who think I'm unfairly judging him and those who see this as a red flag. I just can't figure out which direction I'll go. He did text me first thing this morning to see if I had plans today.

 

Another question I have. I do want to kiss him, but how do I tell him that I won't have sex yet? Do I just stop him if he tries to take it further or do I have to explain my reasoning before we start making out? Or do I simply avoid going to his house all together? It just seems so awkward to be like, "And.... stop!" I obviously am very attracted to him and want to have sex, but plan on waiting until we are in a committed relationship (if it gets to that).

[TaraMaiden]

I am 30. And let me explain how we randomly met on facebook. It's not as bad as it sounds. He's a mutual friend of several of my friends. I basically added him by accident when snooping on his profile from my phone. It wasn't until a year later that we IMed eachother. (I initiated it). We hit it off instantly. We have the same sense of humor. He was the one who then asked for my number and wanted to hang out in person.

Well at least you have laughter in common....

 

I see both sides. Those who think I'm unfairly judging him and those who see this as a red flag. I just can't figure out which direction I'll go. He did text me first thing this morning to see if I had plans today.

That's why I say it's too early to tell yet, and really, see for yourself.

Look, it's understandable that people want some kind of guarantee that a relationship will run smoothly, and risk-free.... but you know what? Life isn't like that. if you're not taking risks now and then, you're playing too safe.

 

go into it with an open mind and open eyes. The worst thing that can happen is that you find that yeah, he is a bit of a player.

 

And then?

Well, then, go from there.

But you can't hope to go from there...here. Can you?

 

Another question I have. I do want to kiss him, but how do I tell him that I won't have sex yet? Do I just stop him if he tries to take it further

Yes, here, but tactfully and gently. And don't tell him it's completely off the cards. In other words, why not use this situation to broach the 'I heard rumours that you used to be a bit of a player' Tell him, honestly: "... and I don't want to be a notch on anyone's belt"

 

or do I have to explain my reasoning before we start making out?

No, because that puts the slammers down even before you've hit first base. And honestly? How do you yet know that you will definitely not want to initiate something? Don't say 'no' until you know you want to say 'no'. If you know what I mean....

 

Or do I simply avoid going to his house all together?

No, that's just dumb, and frankly, if you have mutual freinds, there's no need for that amount of safe-play and reticence.

 

..... I obviously am very attracted to him and want to have sex, but plan on waiting until we are in a committed relationship (if it gets to that).

I have mixed feelings about this.

 

How do you know that even once you believe you're in a committed relationship, it's going to last?

How about just going in with no pre-conceived ideas and just enjoying yourself?

 

What do you mean by 'committed' exactly?

Marriage? A house together?

Kids?

Buying a shared dog?

 

Really, how forward-thinking do you NEED to be??

[abby_tx]

I have no idea! I'm not sure what I even want. My first kiss was as a sophomore in college. I didn't date around. My first realrelationship was with a guy I thought I was going to marry. I was naive back then. I feel like there's a struggle in me to figure out who I am and what I want. I have always been the nice, innocent, good girl so while I do WANT to have sex, I feel like it's not who I am so I have to deny what I want? What I ultimately want in life is to get married and have kids, but I am just having an extremely difficult time knowing how to date in the meantime.

 

Sorry if this is rambly and makes no sense!

[abby_tx]

I don't know if this is worth mentioning (probably not)...

 

I am extremely picky with who I fall for and kiss. I could easily go a few months without so much as a kiss. But once I DO fall for someone, I can't pace myself as far as physical affection goes. So, I feel like in a way I'm a prude until I meet someone I'm really into and then I might be too fast.

[abby_tx]

this entire thread = "guy is a player and im turned on by it

 

i never sowed my oats and im using people to rationalize my hamster spinning for wanting to be with a player, even though i know logically its bad... im so turned on to the point where im lying to myself on an online forum"

 

/yawn...

 

Yes, I want to have sex. With one guy. Only one guy. I think sewing wild oats means multiple people?

[TaraMaiden]

I have no idea! I'm not sure what I even want. My first kiss was as a sophomore in college. I didn't date around. My first realrelationship was with a guy I thought I was going to marry. I was naive back then. I feel like there's a struggle in me to figure out who I am and what I want. I have always been the nice, innocent, good girl so while I do WANT to have sex, I feel like it's not who I am so I have to deny what I want? What I ultimately want in life is to get married and have kids, but I am just having an extremely difficult time knowing how to date in the meantime.

 

Sorry if this is rambly and makes no sense!

 

I think your romanticism is interfering with your desire to just be natural and enjoy yourself.

Probably too much Disney....

You know... the gender-reverse thinking of madonna/whore complex?

 

You want all the trimmings and nice stuff, with the iced cake and the white gown, but you want to be wearing the daring latex corset, thigh-length boots and red satin ribbon ensemble underneath....

 

I'm wondering how good Cinderella, Aurora and Snow White were, in the sack...

 

I don't know if this is worth mentioning (probably not)...

 

I am extremely picky with who I fall for and kiss. I could easily go a few months without so much as a kiss. But once I DO fall for someone, I can't pace myself as far as physical affection goes. So, I feel like in a way I'm a prude until I meet someone I'm really into and then I might be too fast.

 

or too 'desperate'....? Sex 'cements' a relationship.

"If I have sex with him, it's a guarantee of something lasting and special"....

 

This is why you're wary about this guy.

[HappyLove]

You're talking sex A LOT for some guy you met on FB and hung out with once. Well we'll be here for ya when your back with the 'We were intimate and now he ignores me thread'.

[abby_tx]

You're talking sex A LOT for some guy you met on FB and hung out with once. Well we'll be here for ya when your back with the 'We were intimate and now he ignores me thread'.

 

I'm talking about it because I heard he was a player and that's the first thing I think of with players. Man, I think I'm going to stop replying here. I was asking for advice and now it has turned into people making fun of me.

[TaraMaiden]

abby, use the ignore button, or just turn your eyes away. Just because you can see it, doesn't mean it matters, ok?

 

Like dog-crap on the side-walk.

You know it's there, but it doesn't bother you if you just side-step it....

[abby_tx]

I was with a guy for 7 years. Basically most of my 20's. He had only slept with one person in his life. Both our "pasts" were innocent and I never had to think about ANY of this stuff. The relationship was easy with no worries. It ended, obviously. But now I'm 30, thrust into the world of dating and people have pasts that are different than mind and I'm not sure how to navigate the dating scene at all.

 

So, get used to me sounding naive everyone.

[GoreSP]

I was with a guy for 7 years. Basically most of my 20's. He had only slept with one person in his life. Both our "pasts" were innocent and I never had to think about ANY of this stuff. The relationship was easy with no worries. It ended, obviously. But now I'm 30, thrust into the world of dating and people have pasts that are different than mind and I'm not sure how to navigate the dating scene at all.

 

So, get used to me sounding naive everyone.

 

I'm not sure as to what bothers you here?

[GoreSP]

Reminds me of this other threat about women being sluts if they had a lot of men and virgin guys losers or whatever. Here is the third, men with a past are players/synomonous with the sluts :S. The men were getting killed out there for judging someone based on sexual history.

 

He has had a relationship of 2 years + made out with some women in a bar. Who hasn't?

 

I'm totally with you on this.

[GoreSP]

I don't know if this is worth mentioning (probably not)...

 

I am extremely picky with who I fall for and kiss. I could easily go a few months without so much as a kiss. But once I DO fall for someone, I can't pace myself as far as physical affection goes. So, I feel like in a way I'm a prude until I meet someone I'm really into and then I might be too fast.

 

a few months without so much of a kiss?

 

Sweety, go three years with no sexual contact of any kind. This may change your mind on the whole casual sex thing

[abby_tx]

I'm not sure as to what bothers you here?

 

Oh I just meant I feel like I'm old enough to understand how all of this works, but feel being in an easy 7 year relatoinship stunted my growth.

[StanMusial]

Oh I just meant I feel like I'm old enough to understand how all of this works, but feel being in an easy 7 year relatoinship stunted my growth.

 

There are people on here that have probably dated dozens or hundreds in those past 7 years and their growth is just as stunted if not more.

 

You ARE old enough to understand how it works... the only advice I can give is go on a few PROPER DATES with this guy and find out for yourself what kind of person he is.

[RedRobin]

OP, if you want to sow your oats and 'experience your sexuality'...

 

 

be more upfront about it... go find some guy who has no connection with your social circle unless you want to be known around town as just one more girl this guy shagged... for one.

 

 

My opinion still stands on the guy in question. If you are looking for a relationship, don't waste your time with this one. It's actually not that common for a guy to get a reputation as a 'player' because lots of people cover for men... so when he does, it usually is true 10X. Your friend is doing you a favor by giving you a heads up.

 

 

Having a two year relationship is not any proof that he's not a player... It's how many women he goes through in between so-called relationships and what he tells them in between that makes them one.

 

 

Whatever connection you think you feel for a 'player' is wholly manufactured and can likely be repeated with just about any girl he meets in a bar.

 

 

Have you forgotten that he's already applied the booty call test on you? This guy is 35... not 25... well past the age where they should be hooking up with random women in bars. I wouldn't have tolerated that when I was 25... much less 35!

 

Oh, and about the advice not to avoid a guy's house if you want to avoid having sex? Wow... leading sheep to the slaughter a little, aren't we? How exactly do you advise the OP on how to responsibly get to know a guy? OH, RIGHT!! we women cross our fingers and HOPE for the best!!

Edited February 9, 2014 by RedRobin

[abby_tx]

Well, I think things are over with this guy. I guess I didn't need the advice afterall. Here's the story if anyone cares to read.

 

At 10am he texted me to see if I had plans for the day. I said I was meeting up with my friend, but we should hang out after (which would be about 8pm). He said he'd think of something fun for us to do. So, I text him at 6pm to ask what the plan is. He doesn't get back to me until after 8pm and he says, "ME AND ANGIE ARE DRUNK!! COME!" I reply that I'm sober, so maybe not. He says, "COME!" I say, "That would be weird coming over to your house while you're drunk with another girl." He tells me her male friend is there too and it wouldn't be weird.

 

Keep in mind our text conversation happens over the span of 2 hours because he's drunk and hanging out with these people. Am I suppose to just sit around for an hour waiting to see what the plan is because he can't text me fast enough? I give up and go home from my friends, saying "I'm home for the night." He says, "Hang out?" I say, "Going to bed."

 

And finally, he says "Nope. Come."

 

AND THAT'S IT. Being sober and conversing with a wasted guy who you had plans with is petty frustrating. I will wait and see if he texts today, then might say, "We must have had a misunderstanding. I thought we had made plans." Then I'll never hang out with him again.

[d0nnivain]

Him inviting you over to his house while he was drunk & another woman was there was uncool. That's not a "fun" date.

 

 

If you get past this -- & you might not since he's looking for at home, hang out dates this early on -- if you would like to kiss him but do not want it to escalate to sex you simply make sure all of your dates occur in public or semi-public places where there is no meaningful possibility of sex. You can make out in the car, steal a kiss or two while you are walking, but keep everything relatively PG rated based on the location. Translation: don't go to his house & don't have him over to yours. In the beginning avoid private places with beds & couches.

[abby_tx]

Him inviting you over to his house while he was drunk & another woman was there was uncool. That's not a "fun" date.

 

 

If you get past this -- & you might not since he's looking for at home, hang out dates this early on -- if you would like to kiss him but do not want it to escalate to sex you simply make sure all of your dates occur in public or semi-public places where there is no meaningful possibility of sex. You can make out in the car, steal a kiss or two while you are walking, but keep everything relatively PG rated based on the location. Translation: don't go to his house & don't have him over to yours. In the beginning avoid private places with beds & couches.

 

But is this mild enough where it's excusable? I had a really great time with him. When he's sober, his texts are frequent and very funny/sweet. I guess I just don't know where to go from here if it's not just giving up on him?

[HappyLove]

Seems like this just isn't a good fit OP. He's pushing for hangout sessions instead of properly dating you. You've given him a chance and he's shown you what he's about...a waste of time. NEXT.

[abby_tx]

Seems like this just isn't a good fit OP. He's pushing for hangout sessions instead of properly dating you. You've given him a chance and he's shown you what he's about...a waste of time. NEXT.

 

Yeah, you're probably right.

[abby_tx]

And now he texted this morning saying he needs help setting up a "serious date" with me. He didn't think asking via text was appropriate and didn't know how to set it up. So he wants to call and set up a date. Confused.