abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 So, I met this guy on facebook randomly. We hit it off instantly via messenger, then text, the phone. We texted a ton every day. We had our first date yesterday. It was wonderful. Intense chemistry, great dialogue. I was comfortable and things felt natural. So I tell my friend "Patty" I met a guy. "Patty" asks his name. A while later, she texts me and says, "He has a past." I guess she found a friend of his friend who said he is a player? Like in the past (and this has been several years) he'd supposedly go to a bar and get drunk and make out with girls. Okay. So this guy is 35 now and I wonder, do I hold his past against him? It's really discouraging to know this about him so early on in the getting to know you phase. It has soured my view on him and made me more cautious. I have been hurt twice with really painful breakups and this seems like a recipe for disaster. Side note: I did NOT tell my friend to dig and find out info about him and frankly can't tell if I'm annoyed or should appreciate this.
Author abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 Also, we were going to hang out tonight. I told him to text me after dinner. His dinner ran late (9:30pm) so I said that it was too late and I wasn't going out afterall. The only reason I said this is because of what she told me. I don't want to be a booty call.
Author abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 I just found this on the internet. Not sure what to think. The past makes us who we are. Unless you were literally born last night, you also have a past. Just take a moment to think about your experiences over the past decade and recall how many of those experiences made you the person you are today. We all have a past, we all have a story about how we got here to the present moment and try as we might we cannot change it. We all make decisions along the way, some good, others bad and the outcomes of those decisions is ultimately what shapes our very being. Your partners past is precious as it led him on a journey to you. He may have reached you without being scathed, or he might have had a few mishaps along the way but the result is the same: he found you. So instead of being angry and resentful for the path he took, be glad as without it he wouldn't be here. 3
SJC2008 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I'm gonna need a little more than him making out with randoms at bars to say he has a "past". Any other details?? 3
Author abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 I'm gonna need a little more than him making out with randoms at bars to say he has a "past". Any other details?? The only other info I have is he is a teacher and his last relationship was with someone who had been a student in the past. The way past. This creeps me out. He's mid-30's. She could have been his student when he was in his mid-20's. Maybe she's only 7-ish years younger and they met in a social situation years later?? But yeah, the only other thing I know is he used to be a player.
Author abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 I am tempted to tell him I heard he was a player.
SJC2008 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 The only other info I have is he is a teacher and his last relationship was with someone who had been a student in the past. The way past. This creeps me out. He's mid-30's. She could have been his student when he was in his mid-20's. Maybe she's only 7-ish years younger and they met in a social situation years later?? But yeah, the only other thing I know is he used to be a player. People can change but he doesn't seem like the greatest catch. Try to meet someone more relationship oriented.
Author abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 People can change but he doesn't seem like the greatest catch. Try to meet someone more relationship oriented. Well, he was with that girl for almost 2 years. Does that change your answer? And when is it too soon to ask what he's looking for?
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Players give good date. You just can't trust them with your heart. Reformed players make excellent BFs. They are experienced, talented, romantic & attentive because they know if they leave you alone another player may snatch you up. At this point, you have some unverified hearsay. That doesn't seem like enough evidence to make a decision. Guard your heart but get to know the man. See who he is now. FWIW, I hardly think making out with somebody in a bar qualifies him as a player. 5
SJC2008 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Well, he was with that girl for almost 2 years. Does that change your answer? And when is it too soon to ask what he's looking for? If he's a player how did he manage a 2 year R??
Author abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 If he's a player how did he manage a 2 year R?? That's what I asked my friend who did the digging. I said, "But he just came out of a 2 year relationship." Her response was, "Well, I don't know. Maybe he changed."
Author abby_tx Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 Players give good date. You just can't trust them with your heart. The date was the BEST. So maybe it wasn't our special connection and maybe I wasn't different. Maybe he's just charming because he's a player and knows how to woo (sp?) all the different types of ladies? 3
HappyLove Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Well, people won't tell you who they are but they will show you. I wouldn't ask about the player stuff you'll only seem insecure and crazy for looking into his past, no matter how it happened. Besides what do you think he's gonna say? 'Why, yes I am a player how ever did you guess?' NOT. Watch his actions. Try not to judge too much because even what you've heard so far isn't too horrible. I say give him a chance but don't be stupid and go to his house or let him come to yours. Don't set yourself up to get hurt by sleeping with him. He will show his true colors. What I see that is very poor on your part is you were going to "hang out". So he already doesn't have to court you and set up a nice date after you've only met ONE time? Hanging out to me says you were gonna chill back at someone's place great way to get PLAYED! Hopefully I'm reading into that wrong. Another thing you mentioned which any pathetic player will try is having their plans run late so they can come over late and yes you will be the pathetic booty call, writing on here asking why after you were intimate he doesn't contact you anymore. I say all this to say people only do what you allow so don't allow it. Good for you for not accepting that. So he already knows you have standards. You should be planning dates at this stage and seeing if he follows through with what he tells you by his actions. Go on a few dates let him show you if he's trustworthy or not.
soccerrprp Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Reformed players make excellent BFs. They are experienced, talented, romantic & attentive because they know if they leave you alone another player may snatch you up. The absolute key word here is REFORMED. OP, you don't know if he is or continues to be a player. Does he still frequent bars? The date was the BEST. So maybe it wasn't our special connection and maybe I wasn't different. Maybe he's just charming because he's a player and knows how to woo (sp?) all the different types of ladies? I know that you are, but he knows how to woo a lady. Of course he's charming, what player isn't? I'm not saying that he isn't only that you don't know if he's changed. Takes things very slow with guys with such pasts, if true. It is also true that the past makes us who we are. Some for the better, others not so much. I've used this before, but the best determiner of one's future is his past. The best, not the only. Takes things slow and make him show you that he's a new man.
BradJacobs Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 The date was the BEST. So maybe it wasn't our special connection and maybe I wasn't different. Maybe he's just charming because he's a player and knows how to woo (sp?) all the different types of ladies? If you're this scared then take your time and listen to his actions, not his words. Set the pace. Only go as far with this as you are comfortable.
RedRobin Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) If you are having doubts this early, then cut him loose. He's already trying to test your limits with the after 9:30 baloney. It's not up to you (or any woman) to always be on guard. It is also up to a man to be a gentleman straight away... not do stupid things like trying to get you back to his place or yours ASAP or see if you can be a booty call. Not sure why women feel so proud of themselves for not allowing themselves to be a booty call when they don't dump the guy for trying. Why give him another chance if he's already making those kind of moves? Seriously... it doesn't get any better. They just keep pushing those limits of yours. Makes dating and trying to get to know someone very boring and annoying, IMHO. I've been down this path before... even with guys others told me were 'nice'. Hold out for a couple of months and still nothing changes... and then the dirt comes out. They aren't so nice, and their 'player' behavior is either tolerated by their friends or they keep it well-hidden. And maybe the guys I gave a chance didn't get to sleep with me, but I had better things to do than put guys like these through their paces. Should have dumped them the first time I saw them try something like what you mentioned above. If you are hearing rumblings of player-hood already, then trust it. Let some other poor, naïve girl worry about whether he is 'reformed' or not. If he were 'reformed', he wouldn't be trying to squeeze one in so late. Done. You have your answer. Oh, and about feeling special and all that... I'd learn not to invest so much in people you just met. Would you hand your car or house keys over to a charming salesman you met over Facebook? No? Then why would you hand your heart or body over to one? Edited February 8, 2014 by RedRobin
BradJacobs Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Wanted to add this to my original post but forgot ... So, I'm old. I don't understand "randomly meeting on Facebook". Am I to guess this guy initiated with you or did you seek him out? Do you share any common friends ... and I don't mean fake digital friends that you never see or care to hear from, I mean the type of friend that you can call up and ask what their thoughts are on this guy? 2
RedRobin Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 ... not sure why so many people are encouraging the OP to give a 'player' a chance. Seems to me that 'players' ought to suffer the consequences of their actions... Maybe if more did, there would be fewer of them... The few times I've gotten wind of someone's past (especially a man's) in advance... always turned out to be true and no, almost none 'change'. Men in particular are not obliged to change because society condones and encourages behavior like this. They just get better at hiding it early on to women who wouldn't normally tolerate that kind of thing. ... and for the record... so-called reformed players do not make better BFs or husbands. They always have one eye open for a BBD. It's like dating an alcoholic. Sure, a small handful MIGHT overcome it, but why take that chance? Better to spend one's time finding a man who was raised right in the first place, who is loving and attentive because that's how he IS... not some guy who has used his skills to 'play' and hurt women. 1
StanMusial Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I have seen guys that I know for a FACT were never players getting into drunken make-outs in bars. I know one guy who would do that quite often and he struggled mightily with women otherwise. That doesn't make him a player. Maybe there were some other indicators your friend knew about that made her cast that label. You are right to be cautious though, this guy is some random stranger off the internet. Add that fact into your friend's opinion of him and it's not looking good.
soccerrprp Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 ... not sure why so many people are encouraging the OP to give a 'player' a chance. Seems to me that 'players' ought to suffer the consequences of their actions... Maybe if more did, there would be fewer of them... The few times I've gotten wind of someone's past (especially a man's) in advance... always turned out to be true and no, almost none 'change'. Men in particular are not obliged to change because society condones and encourages behavior like this. They just get better at hiding it early on to women who wouldn't normally tolerate that kind of thing. ... and for the record... so-called reformed players do not make better BFs or husbands. They always have one eye open for a BBD. It's like dating an alcoholic. Sure, a small handful MIGHT overcome it, but why take that chance? Better to spend one's time finding a man who was raised right in the first place, who is loving and attentive because that's how he IS... not some guy who has used his skills to 'play' and hurt women. Sadly, in this case, I would also recommend steering clear of this guy. Sadly b/c I believe that some people can change, but alas far too many don't, not entirely. Once a player always a player? Not certain, but not that far removed either. Again, the OP was told of this, so whether true or not, it would be up to her to find out before getting hurt.
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I'm going to say it again. I still don't see any genuine evidence of being a player. One drunken make out in bar doesn't make a player. A two year relationship is the opposite of a player. The fact the you had the Best date may mean you two had a connection. I've dated a lot of players in my life & I was the female version of one. In my experience it's a youthful thing (unless they are still doing it at 40). When they do find somebody they genuinely like, it sticks because it stops becoming about the conquest. OP: if your gut is telling you run, listen. However, if you are just afraid, keep dating him but as others have said, pay attention to his ACTIONS not his words. If they don't match, get out. If the actions are better than the words, stick around. 1
Priv Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Reminds me of this other threat about women being sluts if they had a lot of men and virgin guys losers or whatever. Here is the third, men with a past are players/synomonous with the sluts :S. The men were getting killed out there for judging someone based on sexual history. He has had a relationship of 2 years + made out with some women in a bar. Who hasn't? 2
veggirl Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 FFS he used to go to bars and make out with girls. Like....a ZILLION college kids around this country do weekly? Big whoop. I mean...that is pretty standard behavior. How long ago was this sordid past? Why don't you go on a date and save the research for later? Tell your friend to MYOB.
BradJacobs Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Tell your friend to MYOB. This guy wasn't introduced to her by a mutual friend. It was a random FB thing ... whatever that means. How would you caution your daughter in a similar situation?
HappyLove Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Sure you should DEFINITELY stay away from players. Maybe he will turn out to be, but if a friend of a friend heard from someone and said something negative about you....wouldn't you think, that guy doesn't even know me? I'd hope someone I'm dating would give me a chance to show my character before going off of what he heard second and third hand. Just make smart decisions, people will show their true colors. Sounds like the doubt you have is from what you "heard" about him.
Recommended Posts