confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) My husband compartmentalized me during his A. Now he's doing the same with the AP. She's out of the picture, moved to another state (several states away actually...she left but he and she continued to text and talk every day even after she left) and WH says "I don't have any feelings for her anymore. she's not in my life anymore. She's not important." Of course to me that sounds great....but.... Honestly...I don't believe him and if it is true I now realize, more than ever, that he put me in one of his internal drawers. If he can move people in and out of his brain like that could this mean he has some form of mental illness where he doesn't have empathy or...? I don't know. He's not a cruel person, except for during the A, obviously. He seems to have compassion for most people, wants to help people in any way he can, cares a great deal for me and our son (again...during the A was the exception) he was raised by a horrible mother who told him all the time he was crap, shut him and his sister out completely emotionally...loooong story. So is it just that he has no idea how to be emotional or form emotional connections? I told him today that the way he moved her out of his brain and into a compartment makes me nervous because whose to say he doesn't do that to me again down the road and move this woman back out of her drawer. I guess his answer made sense, though: "That's why I am seeing a therapist. I don't want to be that person anymore." He also doesn't want to move her back again because he says he is disgusted by her and that who he was when he was associated with her. I guess I just wondered if any other men experience this themselves. Especially during an affair. I don't mean this like something is "wrong" with men. It's how men are, but being a woman, I don't really understand. I've been reading a lot about how men think and I do know they can compartmentalize. I just didn't realize they could do it with people too. Also, we are reconciling and I'm asking this to better understand because it angers me and I want to work through that anger, not because I'm looking to cast more suspicions on him. I don't have suspicions that he is having another A or continuing the same one. Edited February 8, 2014 by confusedandhurt2002
Timmos Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Is this just a male thing? It's also the perfect description of my wife, during her affair.
Realist3 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 It is not just a male thing, in fact it is common and even necessary in quite a few professions, nursing, doctors, police, firemen, EMS, lawyers, and several others. 1
SugarHibiscus Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I actively try to compartmentalize my two relationships. I've gotten fairly good at it. My OM, however, stinks at it. I think it's a personality, not gender, thing.
carhill Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I guess I just wondered if any other men experience this themselves. Men tend to be more commonly known for compartmentalization for two main reasons: 1. We're socialized this way, from the moment, or even before, that our parents teach us to not cry when we're hurt, as one obvious example. We suppress a natural reaction to pain, whether physical or emotional, and put that pain away in a box and ignore it and soldier on. Watch the social and parental reaction to a young boy who cries. It's telling. 2. Society reinforces socialization, generally through social validation and shunning. Men who suppress emotions, retain a measured and detached demeanor, handle death and danger calmly, yet love their family and friends demonstrably and openly, are greatly valued. Those who do not, in general, are shunned. The good news, IME, is that the younger generations of men don't appear to have this beat into them (it was physically beaten into men of my generation, in many cases) and appear to generally compartmentalize emotions and actions to a lesser degree than my generation and that of my parents. Still, in certain segments of society, it's still alive and well. I happen to work in the blue collar world and the dichotomy in this regard between men and women, in our case office staff (women) versus shop workers (men), is obvious, even in the young men. I saw it in myself, meaning my outlier psychology to the norm, compared to a more typical man, when my best friend cut his finger off on one of my jobs; I was visibly upset (he observed) while he was calm and merely said 'we need to get this to the hospital'. He compartmentalized the pain and shock of the injury away from the logic required to act. Imagine a woman even running a table saw, much less whacking her finger off and calmly talking about it. Not in a million years. Men are trained for this, to kill and to die and to hurt and accept hurt and a million other nuances of emotion and not complain nor even talk about it. That's how it is. That's how a man can have an affair, never talk about it, continue to show love and affection to his spouse and children and carry on a completely parallel life. He was born and socialized and valued for the personality characteristics which allow him to do that. 2
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 How nice for you. I actively try to compartmentalize my two relationships. I've gotten fairly good at it. My OM, however, stinks at it. I think it's a personality, not gender, thing.
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 He was an ass.hole at home. He made my life miserable and I should have been the one to have the affair if I was wired that way. Last night he told me, essentially, I'm the one that caused the affair and yet again justified himself. Seven months in, tons of tearful apologies, but yet he still had every right to cheat on me, destroy me and never telling me a f.ucking thing that bothered him before he decided to start dating a skank who destroyed him 15 years ago. If you can tell, I've had all night to think on this and I'm really not sure R is the answer at this point. How can you R with a person who is convinced they had every right to destroy you as a person. F.uck him is how I feel this morning. I want to grab our son, run away, and never come back. And I'll give him a huge list of my justifications and never feel an ounce of guilt. I guess it shows everyone is different......I would think if a spouse was trying to hide a affair they would compartmentalize the affair not he relationship. That's a sure fire way to get caught!! You keep home life awesome, don't change much, but keep it fun, and put the affair partner in the box for when you need them. They are the expendable one imo (as bad as that sounds)
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