Kalee35 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 So things have not been going well with my marriage so we've separated once again after almost a month and meanwhile the guy I had an affair with is moving forward with his divorce and has moved back out as he and his wife both decided it was best because they both knew that things were never going to be the same. He let me know all of this without knowing my situation whatsoever. For all of you that don't know my story I ended things with him over a month ago because I realized I did not love him and the relationship was built on deceit. There were however feelings of attachment and emotions as it was an emotional affair. Now the question is what if he wants us to start completely over now that we are on the same page with separation leading towards divorce? Is it even possible to trust each other or go this route and can I learn to eventually love him for real? He's convinced that he does love me but I'm not so sure about that either. I never expected this and I can't say I'm not open to trying but is it too soon? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so confused.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Way to soon. Stay away from him. You need to end your marriage and grieve that loss, be on your own for a while. It's really unhealthy to always have to have a guy in your life, so please don't go rushing back to exMM just because your circumstances have changed. It also doesn't change the fact that you're not in love with him. Don't even do the 'what ifs'... You're not even divorced yet so don't go jumping so far ahead into the future. 3
chelsea2011 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 You've already admitted you don't love him so leave the poor guy alone for goodness sake. This isn't about you and your happiness since you admitted you don't love him. Leave him be and go find yourself without involving him in the process. Stringing him along is cruel. Move on and find someone else who "does it" for you.
Author Kalee35 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 Love your advice. I don't want to jump back into anything for the wrong reasons and if I'm honest with myself that's exactly what I would be doing. Sometimes you just need to hear someone else say it. Thank you! 1
Scott Thomas Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure that you 'can learn to love someone'. You love them or you don't love them. You should also consider other factors eg children, finalising your divorces and settling down into your new lives as divorcees before leaping into a relationship. I would advise you to evaluate your marriage, why or how it failed and the valuable lessons you could learn from the breakdown of your marriage. More importantly, is there something that'll you'll do differently in a new relationship. Do I think that there will be trust issues if you two decide to start a relationship? Yes. But this is something that you both have to deal with, given that you both had an affair while being married. My final word would be to remind you that you've expressed your lack of live for the AP. Since you're not in love, it would seem manipulative if you string him along, especially since you both have to deal with broken marriages. One heartbreak ought to be enough for both of you and I don't think there's any need to repeat it. However, as I'm not privy to the details if your A or the breakdown of your marriage, my analysis is limited to the information in your threads. Edited February 8, 2014 by Scott Thomas
veryhappy Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Divorcing doesn't mean divorced. It sounds like he's looking to see what options he has after divorce. He and his wife decided it wasn't going to work usually means she got tired of him and decided that. I believe that for former AP to move to a relationship there has to be a strong, stong, strong desire and will to make it work. My advice to you is to be honest with him so he can likely go back to make his marriage work (whatever that means). I would tell "What we had is important to ne, but I don't want a future or a real relationship with you. I wish you all the best." Do not string him along.
herself Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Your making progress in the right direction. One month hardcore NC today for me and initiated by me. He cant reach me, he is blocked and deleted everywhere. I suggest as an alibi or excuse to not interract with wife you maybe tell her you've been overwhelmed super stressed with parenting and family and your run down and have to cancel, and just leave it at that. You can always cancel day of and say sore throat or nasea. You can also enroll in some volunteer activities of some sort & say, I have so many engagements I gotta cut some things out and make more time for hubby & daughter. Trust me his wife will understand. You dont NEED him as a friend. Ita gonna hurt you, its too much. Its hard to do and ut hurts but you have to let him go and before you do, let him know you are serious and you need to focus on your family and he on his, and no contact of any sort is welcome. Good luck I know your in for a lot of greif and recovery. Many are right with you, so stay strong, keep close to your hubby, write down all the reasons you married him and love him. Keep your stress low, breath, forgive yourself, stay positive.
herself Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Ps. Consider deleting fb and twitter all together. I have many friends who have done this. Its normal & if anyone asks, just say it was distractng & alot to keep up with so you decided in the new year to take a social media break. People will respect it, I swear, but it eliminates awkward invitations putting you on the spot. Make yourself less accesible to heal and make a clean start. Its just too easy for his wife or him to reach out and vice versa.
herself Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Oh I am sorry I answered wrong post so you must be so confused by my reply. Im sorry & dont know how to delete or edit. Sorry for confusion. 1
Author Kalee35 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 It's okay. I started to read and was like what? Lol
Poppygoodwill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It's easy to console oneself with another person in the worst of the breaking up drama, but that never works in the end. Especially when you already know this man and what's possible between you - you can't even indulge the fantasy that this might be your next prince charming. YOu already know he's not. So don't go backward. Move forward, into the light.
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