Chibaby Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 My boyfriend have been together the past 3 years. We've often talked about moving somewhere "warm and sunny," after college but actually getting out and doing it hasn't happened. He has lived in our home state of Washington his entire life, except for a month here or there on exchange programs in college. I on the other hand went to school out of state, and moved back. Well, recently I've really had that itch to get out and try something new, and start over again! I see it as an adventure. I figured since we had talked about it he might consider it an option too! Well, it turns out that I got into graduate school out of state somewhere warm and sunny that I used to live! I really think it is a good opportunity to go out and do something good for my career, and for us to try something we've always talked about. I see though that the more and more I talk about it, the more uncomfortable he gets. I think that maybe he always thought that our talk was just talk. The more excited I get, the more he puts on the brakes. We both have college degrees and good jobs now, so we are somewhat stable, and we have talked about getting engaged in the next year or so. This is something that I want to do while we are still young enough and not settled. The problem is he works for a major sports team in our city. Being completely ADDICTED to sports, I think his hesitation had a lot to do with he doesn't want to leave his "job/sports" (in my eyes it's the prestige of working for a sports team.) I asked him, if he didn't work for this team would you "LOVE" your job so much, and he admitted, it would be just another job, not something he wants to do the rest of his life. I don't want to make him CHOOSE between me and this job. Utimatley I want to be with him...but I feel like I'm getting older and opportunities like this should be taken advantage of. I think it would be good for him to make this move, try something new, and get out of this rut we are stuck in. We already have freinds living in the state, and the cost of living is much cheaper! Plus I can't get into any state schools, and they don't offer the program that this school does. I know it's hard for anyone to make big changes, and uproot themselves, especially if they have never experienced it. The way I see it, if we just HATE it all we have to do is move back. Do you think I should go without him? I wouldn't force him to leave, and I don't want to go alone, it would be so much more fun with him! Any thoughts on how I could make this look like more appealing to him?
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Rather than trying to convince him to adopt your solution, why don't you sit down with him for some serious brainstorming about what you both want out of life? A negotiation works best when you start from interests (like having an interesting job) rather than positions (I must work for employer X). Let the discussion range free, and be totally honest with each other about your hopes and fears, and your lifelong goals. Then both of use your brainpower to craft a solution that works well for both of you. The above only makes sense if you are in a committed, permanent, exclusive relationship. Otherwise, I think it's problematic to ask someone to change his life's trajectory for your convenience. Please see Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders by Dr. Willard Harley. It talks about the different levels of commitment to a relationship, the associated behaviors, and the typical outcomes.
Author Chibaby Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 "The above only makes sense if you are in a committed, permanent, exclusive relationship. Otherwise, I think it's problematic to ask someone to change his life's trajectory for your convenience. " We are actually planning on getting married in the next year and beginning our lives together...I agree that it is good to sit down and discuss these ideas, however I ask him what he wants out of life, and other than being with me, he says he doesn't know. He's always saying...I don't know what I want to be or do...I want to go back to school, but I don't know what for. So he's pretty much undecided. I'm not asking him to change his life because it is convienient for me. It is something we've always talked about, and I think that it is an opportunity that I don't want to miss. I don't want to look back in 20 years and say, I wish I would have gone to grad school when I had the chance...it's not an opportunity that comes along every day now....
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