BC1980 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I was with my last ex for 3 years. Our first 2 dates were so awkward. We ended up making out on our first date, so we had initial physical chemistry. Then, we decided take it slower, and I remember leaving our second date feeling like it wouldn't work out. I'm surprised we even made it to a 3rd date, but it really clicked around date 5 or so. He later admitted that it took him some time to warm up to me, but he gave it a chance. Everyone's story is different. The boyfriend I had before the last one, I was with him for 2 years. We had chemistry the moment we met and probably moved too fast. It's totally different every time. I would give it a few dates before I completely ruled the person out because you never know.
Weezy1973 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 OLD doesn't require instant chemistry the individual does if heshe chooses to. I don't choose it. I have readjusted my evaluation process to conform with contemporary dating. I am having similar results to the old school way. True enough - but we seem to be arguing the same point. Instant chemistry is a poor indicator of compatibility long term. Therefore to the OP - just because there was no immediate chemistry does not necessarily mean bad.
iris219 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 You don't need instant chemistry, but you need something that makes you want to go out with the person again. If you're not looking forward to a 2nd date with someone, for whatever reason, you shouldn't go. 1
SYLLPalmer Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 True enough - but we seem to be arguing the same point. Instant chemistry is a poor indicator of compatibility long term. Therefore to the OP - just because there was no immediate chemistry does not necessarily mean bad. I concur. OLD is an area of contention on this site. I am willing to defend it and I do so because it offers a balance of opinion to those who are on the fence about venturing in. I am a hopeless romantic and still believe one can circumnavigate the shenanigans associated with OLD and come out a winner. I respect your preference all the same. 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 This is so rare that I don't really see the point in waiting for it if it may never happen. For some, "love at first sight" happens and that's spectacular for anyone who experiences it. For most others, this is a rarity. It is not rare. My friend and I experienced strong chemistry with our guys. Our guys fell for us fairly hard from date one. They were smitten. How is this so rare? Why is it rare for a man to be really into a woman after a first date and to have very high chemistry with her, and to have a special feeling about her? You seem to think most men start out as "meh" about their partner and "grow" their chemistry. Why do you think it is so rare for successful couples to start out with great chemistry? Plenty of people have high chemistry on the first date, and also go on to form long relationships. My good friend, Tim, who is 45, experienced it with his ex wife of 20 years. They had a magnetic chemistry. I have good chemistry with A LOT of the guys I happen to date. My good friend also has a lot of chemistry with the guys she dates. Then there are people who DO NOT often experience strong chemistry very readily - my friend Kristina doesn't ever feel strongly for men. She VERY rarely feels "crazy" about them. So yeah, some people like me happen to have chemistry with a good deal of men. I am also quirky and a little "different" which leads to the guys I date saying such remarks as " well I sure had a peculiar and special feeling about you that was not something I experienced with other girls who were perfectly beautiful yet didn't evoke these sort of "instant" feelings" I seem to have a "spark" with a good portion of the men around me that I date. Of course most of these guys have not worked out but that is not attributed to the "spark". There is no correlation between our hot chemistry and our relationship fizzling. They were just not into me enough to want to date me more. High chemistry plus a unique personality and having a certain "way" about you that stands out from the crowd, will OFTEN result in electric chemistry. These are my accurate observations about my OWN life, chemistry and sparks are not at all rare for me, I feel it with perhaps a third to half of the men I date. A few guys and I have had the "lust at first site" thing happening, but no, love at first site is not necessarily accurate or possible
Leigh 87 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Instant chemistry on dates never lasted. It burned brightly and then fizzled out quickly, like fireworks. I prefer getting to know someone over time to build a foundation for the relationship. The exception to this rule is if someone is physically repulsive. I am baffled as to WHY "instant chemistry" is supposedly not likely to lead into a lasting relationship? Why does it not last for many people? I have never had this problem:confused: Perhaps the reason the guys you had instant sparks with just so happened to not be good matches for you? Why is does that have any correlation to the instant chemistry?
Ruby Slippers Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I just got home from a mediocre first OLD date where I felt no romantic chemistry and minimal attraction. He seems like a good-hearted guy and he's got a positive personality, but I just don't feel like we're on the same wavelength. I don't really see myself developing attraction for him, either. He's not bad-looking, but I just couldn't find much about him that fired me up in a romantic way. Conversation was kind of shallow, though I tried to develop it. I got the impression that the lack of chemistry feeling was mutual, but he made it clear he'd like to go out again. I don't think I'm going to, but I want to make sure to let him down easy if that's possible, because he seems like a really good guy, just kind of awkward and rough around the edges. I think he'll make a sweet, caring partner for the right woman. I feel kind of sad after the date, because it's pretty clear we're both mature, sweet, kind of lonely people looking for real love - and we just aren't that match for each other. Man, I'm gonna have to toughen up if I'm gonna find Mr. Right. 1
somedude81 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I just got home from a mediocre first OLD date where I felt no romantic chemistry and minimal attraction. He seems like a good-hearted guy and he's got a positive personality, but I just don't feel like we're on the same wavelength. I don't really see myself developing attraction for him, either. He's not bad-looking, but I just couldn't find much about him that fired me up in a romantic way. Conversation was kind of shallow, though I tried to develop it. I got the impression that the lack of chemistry feeling was mutual, but he made it clear he'd like to go out again. I don't think I'm going to, but I want to make sure to let him down easy if that's possible, because he seems like a really good guy, just kind of awkward and rough around the edges. I think he'll make a sweet, caring partner for the right woman. I feel kind of sad after the date, because it's pretty clear we're both mature, sweet, kind of lonely people looking for real love - and we just aren't that match for each other. Man, I'm gonna have to toughen up if I'm gonna find Mr. Right. Did he seem nervous at all or shy? Was this the first time you met him in person? What were the negatives about him?
Leigh 87 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I met a guy like this Ruby Slippers ^^^^ But I was attracted to him, and he wasn't at awkward or rough around the edges. I gave him a second date because he seemed like a guy I would enjoy being with. When he tried to kiss me on the second date I had absolutely no inclination to be part of it. I felt nothing. I didn't want to kiss. Then I met a guy who I wanted to kiss right away - this guy WAS NOT hotter than the first guy whom I had no chemistry with. I simply "felt it" with the second guy instantly, and I got excited about seeing/hearing from him again. Chemistry for me is rarely much to do with how good looking a guy is! Two guys I felt huge chemistry with were quiet overweight!
Author paigej91 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Update on my (OP's) second date: It went much better than the first, and was quite a bit longer. It was supposed to last 3 hours because I had something to attend later, but that got cancelled so we just extended our date and were out until 1AM or so (I had to be home for tonight, so no sleeping over). I still don't feel "head over heels chemistry" or anything, but we have several things in common and some good laughs. I honestly think the reason I don't feel that initial chemistry is because he's of average physically attractiveness to me (not ugly or repulsive, just average). Aside from that though, I don't see any red flags, but I do need to get to know him more since we just met.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I still don't feel "head over heels chemistry" or anything, but we have several things in common and some good laughs. I honestly think the reason I don't feel that initial chemistry is because he's of average physically attractiveness to me (not ugly or repulsive, just average). Aside from that though, I don't see any red flags, but I do need to get to know him more since we just met. This sounds like a sensible approach to me. Did he seem nervous at all or shy? Was this the first time you met him in person? What were the negatives about him? Yes, this was our first meetup. We e-mailed for a bit, then have been texting and talking on the phone a bit daily to get to know each other a little. We tried to have our first date last weekend, but got totally snowed out. The weather was pretty bad today, too, but he was nice enough to brave the weather and come to my neighborhood, so I just had to walk 10 minutes to the restaurant. He did not seem shy at all, but possibly nervous. The main thing that is making me pause is that he seems like this sweet, simple guy, not very intellectual. I feel like a snob for caring about this, but I'm very attracted to intelligence and love deep conversation. He's not dumb, seems very street smart, just a sweet, simple guy. But it's kind of refreshing to spend time with a guy who isn't constantly analyzing everything, just enjoying the simple pleasures of life. He just called me when he got home from our date, and we had the longest and one of the best conversations we've had so far. He's very sporty, like me, and we've talked a lot about doing sporty things like playing tennis once the weather warms up. One thing I really liked is that we established right away that there was no pressure in meeting, and worst case scenario, we could possibly be friends. I feel like even as friends, we will inspire each other in positive ways. He was throwing out various ideas for Valentine's Day plans, and one that I like is singing a bunch of cheesy couple duets at this laid-back karaoke place in my neighborhood. I like that because it will be fun no matter what, and there's no pressure to be romantic with it if we're not feeling it. Maybe I'll go out with him again and see.
divinegrace Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I think an instant click is a nice thing, but there are so many factors that go into that first date. Nerves being the biggest one. Sometimes a first date can be awkward because one or both people can be shy or overwhelmed. I've had first dates that were amazing, and first dates that were horrible.... One of my worst first dates turned into a second, third, and eventually a 13 year marriage. One of my best first dates was an instant click with my boyfriend now. We talked soulfully right from the beginning and it was amazing. I think by date 3 if you really don't feel it's going well, that's a sign. But I believe that we need to take time to learn who someone is... All the best in love!!
somedude81 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 This sounds like a sensible approach to me. Yes, this was our first meetup. We e-mailed for a bit, then have been texting and talking on the phone a bit daily to get to know each other a little. We tried to have our first date last weekend, but got totally snowed out. The weather was pretty bad today, too, but he was nice enough to brave the weather and come to my neighborhood, so I just had to walk 10 minutes to the restaurant. He did not seem shy at all, but possibly nervous. The main thing that is making me pause is that he seems like this sweet, simple guy, not very intellectual. I feel like a snob for caring about this, but I'm very attracted to intelligence and love deep conversation. He's not dumb, seems very street smart, just a sweet, simple guy. But it's kind of refreshing to spend time with a guy who isn't constantly analyzing everything, just enjoying the simple pleasures of life. He just called me when he got home from our date, and we had the longest and one of the best conversations we've had so far. He's very sporty, like me, and we've talked a lot about doing sporty things like playing tennis once the weather warms up. One thing I really liked is that we established right away that there was no pressure in meeting, and worst case scenario, we could possibly be friends. I feel like even as friends, we will inspire each other in positive ways. He was throwing out various ideas for Valentine's Day plans, and one that I like is singing a bunch of cheesy couple duets at this laid-back karaoke place in my neighborhood. I like that because it will be fun no matter what, and there's no pressure to be romantic with it if we're not feeling it. Maybe I'll go out with him again and see. Honestly, from everything you said without even reading the last paragraph it sounds like you should give this guy one more date. And then after reading that paragraph, you really should go out again. My suggestion, do something sporty during the day, and then go to the karaoke place at night. If you aren't feeling anything after that, then at least you know that you gave him a solid shot.
Leigh 87 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Update on my (OP's) second date: It went much better than the first, and was quite a bit longer. It was supposed to last 3 hours because I had something to attend later, but that got cancelled so we just extended our date and were out until 1AM or so (I had to be home for tonight, so no sleeping over). I still don't feel "head over heels chemistry" or anything, but we have several things in common and some good laughs. I honestly think the reason I don't feel that initial chemistry is because he's of average physically attractiveness to me (not ugly or repulsive, just average). Aside from that though, I don't see any red flags, but I do need to get to know him more since we just met. I felt intense chemistry with 3 men who were totally average looking to me. One was even a bit funny looking and admitted to being an "ugly fkuc" yet TO ME I had the hots for him, based on talking to him and getting to know him for an hour. Then I was totally hot for him within mere hours. You can find average looking dudes who you feel chemistry. Do you want to be Excited about your second date? About them contacting you? If I am not excited about a guy, it is akin to meeting a new friend; no romantic inclination.
Author paigej91 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I felt intense chemistry with 3 men who were totally average looking to me. One was even a bit funny looking and admitted to being an "ugly fkuc" yet TO ME I had the hots for him, based on talking to him and getting to know him for an hour. Then I was totally hot for him within mere hours. You can find average looking dudes who you feel chemistry. Do you want to be Excited about your second date? About them contacting you? If I am not excited about a guy, it is akin to meeting a new friend; no romantic inclination. I don't know why, but that's never happened to me- at least the way a lot of women describe it happening. I don't know if "intense chemistry" can develop for me solely on personality. I've had it develop before, but he was also at least fairly physically attractive. I want to give it a shot and see if my physical/sexual attraction increases for this guy, but at the same time, I'd hate to leave the guy hanging and waste his time. This could just be wanting a "nice guy" personality with "player guy" looks, but I'm not sure.
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