jesienna31 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) I really need some advise from you girls... We were in NC for 2 months, since I was emotionally involved and we wanted to keep it casual from the beginning to the end... He went on holiday but got it touch with me, he said he will come back on his own since his wife wants to spend some extra time with her family in their home country and it will give us opportunity again to spend time together.. He said it will be most likely few weeks. I was really excited and we emailed each other and called... The last email I received from his sounded a bit cold... He also said his wife is pregnant, he knew that before he went on holiday but said it was too early to say anything and he didn't want to tell me either as it was hard for him to adjust to the pregnancy thought himself... I feel so different now knowing that she is pregnant, I feel like I should not be seeing him and sleeping with him simply because they are both expecting a child... I think it is something that I couldn't live easily with if I knew there is a child involved with it and I am his OW... What do you think??? I really miss him and want to see him and spend time but feeling so different now and feel like I shouldn't.... What to I do?? I did reply to his email saying that I am really happy for him and it is great news... But didn't feel like that at all... My reply email sounded like all is OK and there is nothing to worry about and I am waiting for him with open arms to come back... but it is not really the case. I just didn't know what to say at that point and tried to be nice... DO I send him another email straightening how I felt about it all? That I am happy for him but it is not good for me anymore, or shall I wait for his return and talk face to face...Please advise... Edited February 7, 2014 by jesienna31
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I feel like I should not be seeing him and sleeping with him simply because they are both expecting a child... I think it is something that I couldn't live easily with if I knew there is a child involved with it and I am his OW... What do you think??? It certainly has given you a reality check. This is a man who never had any plans on leaving and divorcing his wife. They went on holidays together, she's pregnant and obviously he's been having sex with his wife, continuing to 'live life' with her. It shows you that he (regardless of what he feels for you) is in it for an affair. For you it may have been more than just an A, but now you know what's what. Bolded part. It's not "if", it IS. There is a child involved, or soon will be. End it. You really have no choice now. Stop having sex with him because if he still sleeping with you and his wife, their baby IS a risk. Sorry that you're hurting but if you choose to stay, you'll continue to be second fiddle, you'll be competing against his newborn baby with his time. He needs to focus on his family, not hiding an affair, cheating on his wife and betraying her. 9
Sub Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Aside from how he may feel about you: Why would you want to be with someone like this? Any woman could do better than someone who carries on an A behind the back of a BW he just impregnated. 3
sunburned Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I really need some advise from you girls... We were in NC for 2 months, since I was emotionally involved and we wanted to keep it casual from the beginning to the end... He went on holiday but got it touch with me, he said he will come back on his own since his wife wants to spend some extra time with her family in their home country and it will give us opportunity again to spend time together.. He said it will be most likely few weeks. I was really excited and we emailed each other and called... The last email I received from his sounded a bit cold... He also said his wife is pregnant, he knew that before he went on holiday but said it was too early to say anything and he didn't want to tell me either as it was hard for him to adjust to the pregnancy thought himself... I feel so different now knowing that she is pregnant, I feel like I should not be seeing him and sleeping with him simply because they are both expecting a child... I think it is something that I couldn't live easily with if I knew there is a child involved with it and I am his OW... What do you think??? I really miss him and want to see him and spend time but feeling so different now and feel like I shouldn't.... What to I do?? I did reply to his email saying that I am really happy for him and it is great news... But didn't feel like that at all... My reply email sounded like all is OK and there is nothing to worry about and I am waiting for him with open arms to come back... but it is not really the case. I just didn't know what to say at that point and tried to be nice... DO I send him another email straightening how I felt about it all? That I am happy for him but it is not good for me anymore, or shall I wait for his return and talk face to face...Please advise... That's your conscience talking! Too bad she didn't speak up sooner, but she's loud and clear now. You should email and be done with it (him). No Contact. Seeing him in person may stir up your emotions again. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 DO I send him another email straightening how I felt about it all? That I am happy for him but it is not good for me anymore, or shall I wait for his return and talk face to face...Please advise... "Dear xxxx, upon hearing the news about your wife pregnancy, I need to walk away and end our affair. No need to go into detail as to why - It's quite obvious. Please respect my decision, this is painful for me so I ask you to not contact me, don't call, email or text. Take care." Or something along those lines. 6
Author jesienna31 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you... so it is best to email then... gosh I feel so scared to do that, my hands are shaking when I am writing this.... But I know this is the best to do... Thank you.
woinlove Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) Thank you... so it is best to email then... gosh I feel so scared to do that, my hands are shaking when I am writing this.... But I know this is the best to do... Thank you. It isn't easy, but I hope you stay strong and do what you know is best. I agree with email because you don't want to get sucked back in and you are vulnerable right now. Finding out MM's wife is pregnant is a real emotional blow. It is a lot more common than you might think. Another current thread on child support is from someone who was in exactly your position just a little over a year ago, said she would end it upon finding out the BW was pregnant, but didn't and ended up also pregnant by MM very shortly after, who then wouldn't have anything to do with her or the baby. If you look up the past threads, maybe it will help give you some strength to stay strong. It shows the strong emotions that such a discovery can bring on, leaving you hurt and vulnerable. Stay strong and make sure you get some support, from friends, family, here on LS, counselling or wherever you can. And kudos to you for recognizing the importance of them having a baby and the craziness of carrying on an affair through that. Not everyone can recognize this when they are caught up in the affair and have developed strong feelings. Nurture that caring side of yourself and maybe it will help give you the strength you need to end this and stick with your decision. Edited February 8, 2014 by woinlove
herself Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Sometjing that will give you insight....my EA partners wife got pregnant in the height of when we got closest romantically. Then....he dropped the bombshell....she was nearly 4 months pregnant. He knew all that time & hid from me all the while REALLY connecting with me & pulling me in CLOSE all the while decieving me by not telling me. I was SO upset, immediately asked for us to disconnect & for us to not speak. I anguished, and he kept writing, checking in, are you ok? Etc etc. I remained chilly and barely responding for months but he didnt let me go. I didnt know about nc then. Slowly with the caring attentive messages, I became desensitized and needing his love and validation I kept him in my life but MUCH more platonic. I feared & expected and prepared for due date & delivery and believed this would force an end and I would finally feel relief and be able to truly greive and let him be a family man and new father. It was the opposite. After birth he only became CLOSER, eventually the LC became triple the contact. Of cpurse in my flawed, warped brain, I felt flattered, beautiful and loved. I put her ans baby out of mind or i tried to keep balance & friendship stance & ask and be supportive of him and his wife. Its all such a confusing blur. This summer baby will be 2....but after a little over a year after breastfeeding (I assume) and her body was healed & back in shape (i assume) he started pulling away, becoming more distant and mentioning guilt. He went radio silent for 5 days suddenly and I had the 6th sense not to contact either. Tjen I ended it. Alot of details missing here and sorry for typos . Am on cell phone typing, but I believe I was used to get him through the rough spot of pregnancy and then dropped when the sex life returned to normal. Its a sad reality and I hope by sharing my story it helps you. I am now 1 month into hard NC & healing. Its devastating and isolating and lonely. I wish you peace, joy, love and wisdom. Im getting better very slowl. Only time and NC will help. 3
Author jesienna31 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Sometjing that will give you insight....my EA partners wife got pregnant in the height of when we got closest romantically. Then....he dropped the bombshell....she was nearly 4 months pregnant. He knew all that time & hid from me all the while REALLY connecting with me & pulling me in CLOSE all the while decieving me by not telling me. I was SO upset, immediately asked for us to disconnect & for us to not speak. I anguished, and he kept writing, checking in, are you ok? Etc etc. I remained chilly and barely responding for months but he didnt let me go. I didnt know about nc then. Slowly with the caring attentive messages, I became desensitized and needing his love and validation I kept him in my life but MUCH more platonic. I feared & expected and prepared for due date & delivery and believed this would force an end and I would finally feel relief and be able to truly greive and let him be a family man and new father. It was the opposite. After birth he only became CLOSER, eventually the LC became triple the contact. Of cpurse in my flawed, warped brain, I felt flattered, beautiful and loved. I put her ans baby out of mind or i tried to keep balance & friendship stance & ask and be supportive of him and his wife. Its all such a confusing blur. This summer baby will be 2....but after a little over a year after breastfeeding (I assume) and her body was healed & back in shape (i assume) he started pulling away, becoming more distant and mentioning guilt. He went radio silent for 5 days suddenly and I had the 6th sense not to contact either. Tjen I ended it. Alot of details missing here and sorry for typos . Am on cell phone typing, but I believe I was used to get him through the rough spot of pregnancy and then dropped when the sex life returned to normal. Its a sad reality and I hope by sharing my story it helps you. I am now 1 month into hard NC & healing. Its devastating and isolating and lonely. I wish you peace, joy, love and wisdom. Im getting better very slowl. Only time and NC will help. Awww... thank you so much for sharing your story here... I am sorry for what happened to you... I hope each day is getting you to much better place emotionally. I know how hard it is... Thank you for insight into your experience, it is very helpful to see the dynamics and toxicity of such relationship from the outside and translate it all to our own experiences in order to make better choices... I did sent him an email saying that I cannot be part of his life if his wife is pregnant, it is simply too much for me to take. This was I guess the "easier" part of it all... But the hardest one will be NC- so here it is starting from me now.... All the best to you and share your experiences here. It is so helpful... LOVE xxx
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 I did sent him an email saying that I cannot be part of his life if his wife is pregnant, it is simply too much for me to take. This was I guess the "easier" part of it all... But the hardest one will be NC- so here it is starting from me now.... All the best to you and share your experiences here. It is so helpful... LOVE xxx I hope he leaves you alone and stays in NC mode with you. Bolded, not if she is pregnant, she is pregnant. 1
Author jesienna31 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I hope he leaves you alone and stays in NC mode with you. Bolded, not if she is pregnant, she is pregnant. True... exactly that.
HokeyReligions Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 You chose to have sex with a married man why should his wife's pregnancy change it? Your feelings only matter to you not to him or his loved ones. That hasn't changed. He may go on to find some other person like you but who doesn't have an issue with children. Then you'll have go find another married man without children. Is his becoming a father really a "breaking point" for you? I'm just curious why this is something that would give you any pause in your illicit affair. Maybe I missed where he said he was fine keeping someone for sex on the side but planned on 100% fidelity to his wife in the event of fatherhood. Seems to me like he'd want someone for sex even more during the pregnancy and for some months after until his wife recovers enough to participate like she used to.
HokeyReligions Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 The hit send before I was ready. Are there a lot of women who have affairs only once and then find a new morale code and that keeps them from engaging in affairs? Or is it more likely they don't have affairs because they were caught or their man dropped them and the OW stops affairs because its a hassle and they don't want their feelings hurt? I'm trying to understand this. I've met a few women over the years that admitted to affairs. One woman who only dated married men because she wanted only the "fun" part of the relationship and thought that marriage was foolish. She had no respect for women who lowered themselves to the role of 'wife' just like I have no respect for women that lower themselves to the role of '(I won't write it)'.
Author jesienna31 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Are there a lot of women who have affairs only once and then find a new morale code and that keeps them from engaging in affairs? Or is it more likely they don't have affairs because they were caught or their man dropped them and the OW stops affairs because its a hassle and they don't want their feelings hurt? . For me the bold is the case... I am not going to regret what I have done, that I was his OW for almost 2 years now. We had loads of great time and I have learnt a lot about myself along the way... But I also got hurt and realised how much I actually want committed relationship for myself. It also made me understand how low self esteem I have had getting into this affair that after a while was just giving me crumbs. It all let me realize me issues on which I am starting working on now... Yes it took time and yes, I guess I needed this pregnancy to happen to finally say stop but I am glad I wasn't dumped. Now the hard work starts for me to work on myself but I think it was all worth it. I have learnt my lessons and I will not repeat the mistakes again.
Author jesienna31 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Is his becoming a father really a "breaking point" for you? I'm just curious why this is something that would give you any pause in your illicit affair. . Yes it is... I think I was hoping deep inside that something like this happens so I can finally break free. I was too weak to do this without a reason, just for me... I also have a daughter myself, I am a single mum. The last thing I would ever want in this world to hurt her or have someone hurt her in her life. I would never do something to hurt a child, and for me carrying on with the affair while his wife is pregnant is something that I feel I would be doing against an innocent child and it would not let me look at myself in the mirror.
woinlove Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Hang in there with NC. It's not unusual for men who cheat to ramp up their efforts to keep the OW engaged when their wife is pregnant, so be prepared for that and stay strong. 2
HokeyReligions Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Thank you jesienna31. I appreciate your reading my posts and answering. I tried not to sound hostile. I have never been an other woman and my husband has never cheated so my experience is zero. However, recent events in the life of a friend have come to light. Including an affair resulting in a child a few weeks younger than the child produced within the bonds of marriage. . Im trying to reconcile what I was taught and the opinions I formed myself plus my own morale code as regards affairs, to the real feelings of 'real' people. I don't know if that makes sense but I do appreciate your sharing your story and I hope that you and all involved will be able to quickly move on to happier and healthier lives. 2
Author jesienna31 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Thank you jesienna31. I appreciate your reading my posts and answering. I tried not to sound hostile. I have never been an other woman and my husband has never cheated so my experience is zero. However, recent events in the life of a friend have come to light. Including an affair resulting in a child a few weeks younger than the child produced within the bonds of marriage. . Im trying to reconcile what I was taught and the opinions I formed myself plus my own morale code as regards affairs, to the real feelings of 'real' people. I don't know if that makes sense but I do appreciate your sharing your story and I hope that you and all involved will be able to quickly move on to happier and healthier lives. Thank you HokeyReligions also for your comments. I am hoping things will work out for your friend, although it does look much complicated now with children involved on both ends... It must be heartbreaking and hard for everyone involved. I broke off my affair with my MM few times before, but we always were getting back. I was simply to weak to do that emotionally but now I know I have all the strength. I am really happy for their pregnancy, it is a blessing for them and for me as well. I am thankful for that since it finally is a breaking point for me to move on and hopefully he will also step up to the role of being a responsible father. We all make mistakes in our lives and get ourselves to the point where we have to start questioning our actions, our motives, our morale and what is right and what is wrong. When we finally have done that we either learn a lesson for life, admit mistakes and move on or we stay in the same place and simply bury our own self worth even further- but at this point it is not a mistake anymore- it is a conscious choice. I did put myself very low through this affair, but as I said I cannot regret as I will work now extra harder to make my life much better then that and will not get into situations as such that would hurt others and myself along the way. Best wishes to you x Edited February 9, 2014 by jesienna31
sunburned Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 The hit send before I was ready. Are there a lot of women who have affairs only once and then find a new morale code and that keeps them from engaging in affairs? Or is it more likely they don't have affairs because they were caught or their man dropped them and the OW stops affairs because its a hassle and they don't want their feelings hurt? I'm trying to understand this. I've met a few women over the years that admitted to affairs. One woman who only dated married men because she wanted only the "fun" part of the relationship and thought that marriage was foolish. She had no respect for women who lowered themselves to the role of 'wife' just like I have no respect for women that lower themselves to the role of '(I won't write it)'. I can only answer for myself. I don't think I found a new morale code, just went back to the one I'd maintained all my adult life until I slipped. I think of it with regret and embarrassment. At the time, however, it was thrilling and I think this is why some people become serial cheaters. Now that my boundaries have been broken, I have to protect them a little more aggressively. 1
Author jesienna31 Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 I can only answer for myself. I don't think I found a new morale code, just went back to the one I'd maintained all my adult life until I slipped. I think of it with regret and embarrassment. At the time, however, it was thrilling and I think this is why some people become serial cheaters. Now that my boundaries have been broken, I have to protect them a little more aggressively. Exactly that... we get to know our weak points and we get stronger for the future not to get hurt again and put ourselves in such situations. It is all about not making the same mistakes so that we can move on wiser and stronger and make much better choices in the future.
jwi71 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Exactly that... we get to know our weak points and we get stronger for the future not to get hurt again and put ourselves in such situations. It is all about not making the same mistakes so that we can move on wiser and stronger and make much better choices in the future. So what changed this time? You have walked before only to return. And, its not a slight, many OW and (OM for that matter) walk the bouncy-ball course of flight and return. Perfectly natural response to pain. Where from now does your strength come that was absent before? What lessons learned that were previously not?
Lady2163 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 The hit send before I was ready. Are there a lot of women who have affairs only once and then find a new morale code and that keeps them from engaging in affairs? Or is it more likely they don't have affairs because they were caught or their man dropped them and the OW stops affairs because its a hassle and they don't want their feelings hurt? I'm trying to understand this. I've met a few women over the years that admitted to affairs. One woman who only dated married men because she wanted only the "fun" part of the relationship and thought that marriage was foolish. She had no respect for women who lowered themselves to the role of 'wife' just like I have no respect for women that lower themselves to the role of '(I won't write it)'. I've been thinking about this for a couple of hours and wanted to answer honestly. Since you chose to be blunt in your post and view it as not offensive, I know I can be plain spoken without you being offended. I have morals, I have ethics. I don't cheat on my taxes, I don't mess with my best friends man. I have never messed with ANY friends man or exes. I am devoted to my aging mother. I fought and served my country with honor. I am a good neighbor. I volunteer. I give back to society. I do more good in the world than harm. Yet, since I was 16 and seduced by a married man 20 years older than I was, I've had numerous affairs with married men. I've probably had sex with numerous men when I spent times at Swingers clubs. Some may have had permission from their wives, some may not have had permission. Eventually, I distanced myself from the married men who were playing solo. Sex is not the be all end all to me. Yes, I have been in committed, monogamous relationships. There are worse things in a relationship than cheating. There is abuse, there is neglect, there is stealing. Don't think stealing is worse? I know a couple who had everything set up for their kids to comfortably after they died. Husband died younger than planned...and he had spent their nest egg and the last child's college fund on....nothing. The widow hired a private investigator, there were no bad habits, no second family...he just blew it on always buying supper for people, always buying a round of drinks, giving lavish gifts to HIS friends and HIS family (brothers, sisters, cousins) but was a notorious tightwad with his wife and kids. Wife had to sell the house, because she didn't have the payoff she thought she would. He stole their comfortable future. I believe you place a higher moral value on sex than I do. You may think me a slu.......t, but I don't judge others by one aspect of their personality. I can still be a good person, even if I bang 1000 men. Which I don't think I get to that in my lifetime. As long as I'm not doing it on your front lawn or dining room table when you're trying to eat, why would it matter to you? When we make our wedding vows, people seem to focus on the monogamy part. Wouldn't it be great if the outrage was felt when people failed to up to all aspects? Mine said: love, honor, cherish. I was not cherished. At the time of divorce, many people around me thought I should stay with him, even though he was incredibly selfish, lazy, unsupportive man I had ever met. There was no outrage because he had stopped cherishing me. Do I plan to have another affair? No. Are the odds against me that I will? I don't know, I don't think so, but I just don't know. Other than avoiding the unpaired married men at swingers functions, I politely decline the offers from men on OLD who are only separated. I can tell I've successfully resisted the temptation and declined offers more times than I can count.
Lady2163 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I really need some advise from you girls... We were in NC for 2 months, since I was emotionally involved and we wanted to keep it casual from the beginning to the end... He went on holiday but got it touch with me, he said he will come back on his own since his wife wants to spend some extra time with her family in their home country and it will give us opportunity again to spend time together.. He said it will be most likely few weeks. I was really excited and we emailed each other and called... The last email I received from his sounded a bit cold... He also said his wife is pregnant, he knew that before he went on holiday but said it was too early to say anything and he didn't want to tell me either as it was hard for him to adjust to the pregnancy thought himself... I feel so different now knowing that she is pregnant, I feel like I should not be seeing him and sleeping with him simply because they are both expecting a child... I think it is something that I couldn't live easily with if I knew there is a child involved with it and I am his OW... What do you think??? I really miss him and want to see him and spend time but feeling so different now and feel like I shouldn't.... What to I do?? I did reply to his email saying that I am really happy for him and it is great news... But didn't feel like that at all... My reply email sounded like all is OK and there is nothing to worry about and I am waiting for him with open arms to come back... but it is not really the case. I just didn't know what to say at that point and tried to be nice... DO I send him another email straightening how I felt about it all? That I am happy for him but it is not good for me anymore, or shall I wait for his return and talk face to face...Please advise... I've been with my married FWB for seven years and am now hoping to end the physical side in April. What brought me to forum initially was that I wanted to end it. Oddly enough, what made me want to end it was finding out in their 25+ year marriage there had been a couple of miscarriages. I think that was something that made me realize their share things together, a history where I don't need to be. Assuming his wife is indeed pregnant and he isn't some kind of serial liar or crisis maker, I'd try like hell to walk away from him. It is so muc easier said than done. I'm sure that email was miserably hard for you to write.
BurnedAndLost Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Yes it is... I think I was hoping deep inside that something like this happens so I can finally break free. I was too weak to do this without a reason, just for me... I also have a daughter myself, I am a single mum. The last thing I would ever want in this world to hurt her or have someone hurt her in her life. I would never do something to hurt a child, and for me carrying on with the affair while his wife is pregnant is something that I feel I would be doing against an innocent child and it would not let me look at myself in the mirror. His wife is also innocent. So why did you have no problem with the devastation your affair would cause her? Not trying to start an argument. I'm genuinely curious. 2
Author jesienna31 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I have had affair with married men for two years. We more became friends with benefits rather then true lovers. There was never talk about feelings, more about enjoying each other company, sharing news and sex. 3 months back i found out his wife was pregnant, he is very happy, he shared the news with me like with his best friend. I said i want to break it off since pregnancy changes everything but he talked me into staying and carrying on... Now they just had a baby scan... again, he shared the news so happily with me and I am truly happy for him but it is too much for me now to take. I want to break it but I need encouragement or some harsh words please, some reality check..? I am loosing my mind... I never wish to loose him but I think pregnancy is something that I cannot ignore. It just hurts me cause i have feeling for him...
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