heyitsmike Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Me and my girlfriend have been going out for about a year now , we're very happy but there's a theme of her lying to me whenever she can get away with it. These are things as small ranging from taking my car to go to class while I'm asleep , all the way to lying to me about her sexual history. It's not the past that bothers me but the fact that she would rather lie to me than own up to things she's potentially done. I've heard different things from different people sometimes and I don't want to just badger her with rumors that will only make her upset and and question my trust, as well as implicate the people who told me. I've already done the big sit down conversation with her twice and she just gets really upset and says let's never bring this up again. What should I do? And how do I bring this up to her ? Because based on last relationships I can't deal with lying about anything.
Priv Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 What I am saying is going to be heavily biased based on my last (very controlling) relationship so take this with a grain of salt. Perhaps instead of focusing on the lies, ask yourself why she feels compelled to lying. In my last relationship I have lied on 2 occasions to my ex about smoking a cigarette due to stress from losing my job and a botched new job interview. Totally my fault, and something I will regret forever as I normally never lie in a relationship unless I feel compelled to. The moment she found out she went crying/shaking/threatening to leave/denegrating me etc. In that relationship from the start of living together I felt inadequate and guilty as the sitdowns, controlling behavior and constant judgement of my actions started. Simple things like cleaning, how I clothe, number of job applications, time spent on sports whatever. The reason I lied is that it was no safe environment to tell the truth. I would get judged. I do not the know details, but why do you feel compelled to have her own up to her taking your car to go to class and especially her sexual history and apparantly other things as its a theme. She is not ready (and she told you that) to fully disclose this rumour to you. She is you girlfriend man, whatever the rumour is support her (unless it directly affects your relationship as in cheating or so), and I am sure you will hear the truth someday when she trusts you with it. On the little things like taking your car and other things 'she's potentially done'. Stop thinking in terms like owning up for her behaviour to you and start communicating with her instead of having sitdowns. She will probably lie less as you have just created an environment where people feel safe. Disregard everything I just said if she's a compulsive liar, but those are rare.
Author heyitsmike Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 I don't care about the things she's done in the past I just don't want to be lied to. We were at a party the other day and she told my friend something related to her sexual history and then said not to tell me. I just feel like she lies to me about the small things and I would never judge her for any of it. I just don't want to feel like a fool. She got a ticket with my car and tried to hide it from me and she doesn't have a license but I wouldn't be mad if she just asked to use my car or told me straight up she got a ticket. Lying to me about these small things makes me feel like she'll lie about the big things. What I'm hearing from close friends about her is worrisome because it's confirming my initial fear of being a fool and blindly following. I just want an honest open relationship and I really do try and create a safe environment. So how do I address her about this instance of her sexual past but more importantly about the lying?
Priv Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Yea, ok. That kinda sucks. I would be upset too. Telling your friend something about her sexual history (wtf would she do that :S) and explicitly asking YOUR friend not to tell you is weird and hurtful. And getting a ticket while in your car and having no license is well... illegal and reckless. Those are not minor things but major red flags. The offenses are more serious than the lies itself.
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 She got a ticket with my car and tried to hide it from me and she doesn't have a license but I wouldn't be mad if she just asked to use my car or told me straight up she got a ticket This is HUGE. She has no drivers license, yet she made a real stupid decision to drive your car. Guess what? YOU would be the one paying through the nose with higher insurance and, what if she got into a car accident? Killed someone? Why does she not have a license to drive? Was it suspended? NEVER lend your car to anybody who isn't licensed to drive, your license can be taken away just FYI. Her lying about stuff should be an issue and you should be mad about it. This is going to get worse so find out if she actually has a problem (can't remember the name of it, but when people lie constantly without it being intentional, they just do it) and figure it out. This is only going to get worse as time goes on.
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