Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) If all you got from our advice was "break up" then you are just interpretting in extremes. What do you think of some of the other ideas offered? It wasn't a matter of interpreting extremes, I had only a few minutes this morning and chose to address those who suggested I shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Now that I have time I can address other things. You can't live on "love". You may love him a lot and he may love you too, but this is ridiculous. He hasn't been up front and honest with you from the get go. He is picking at you, all the meanwhile his recent behaviour and how he's handled all this is really immature. Go to couples counseling together and figure it out otherwise if this continues as things are, resentments are going to build up and you two will eventually break up. Counseling is definitely overboard for us at this stage, but preventing resentments and communicating without arguing about this issue is something we're trying to figure out, but we both have very different ways of communicating and dealing with conflict and we aren't sure how to make our own styles of conflict resolvement work for each other. Is this really one issue, or a disconnect on how he sees a relationship? Not sure what you mean? This is the only problem we've ever had. When we aren't discussing the living arrangements things are great between us. It's only when this topic is brought up that we start disagreeing and have a failure to communicate and resolve properly Notice how he fights with you, his behavior, his words, his actions. Imagine that you spend your life with this person being like this 30% of the time. Can you take it? He's not fighting with me in any sort of disrespectful way, our arguing is very calm and we try to understand each other, but we are failing to. We are on two different planes and neither one of us is making sense to the other and we are both becoming frustrated at this inability to find common ground on this issue. Has he ever lived alone? If not, it sounds like he wants to go from one woman taking care of him to another. The $5000 or whatever amount he wants to save for the wedding or down payment on a house or whatever, will escalate to $10,000 when it comes time to planning a wedding and a move away. I like the idea a previous poster had of you moving to your own place closer to him and his mother. Easy enough for him to stay in either place. Is he very insecure and jealous so thinks unless you or his mother can keep an eye on you, you will cheat on him? What have his past relationships been like? He used to live alone up until about a year ago when him and his mom moved up here. He's perfectly capable of living away from her, he did it for years. The current living situation is literally just for financial convenience. I currently only live 10 minutes away from him but I do not live alone, having him over is not okay. I cannot afford to live on my own either, especially not with my situation at work being shaky. He's not the jealous type. That's not an issue at all. He's only had 1 relationship before me and that was back in his teen years. Do you consider guilt mongering over a major decision 'good' treatment? I wonder, are the circumstances so dire apart that this is the only solution? Do you both live thousands of miles apart or something? How about a decision that brings pleasure for the both of you that doesn't leave the other feeling bewildered or slighted. I wholeheartedly believe that he is unaware that his behavior seems manipulative. It's not his intention, he just really wants me to get excited about living with him, and is disappointed when I'm not. Outside of this issue he treats me like a queen, he makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Kind, respectful, generous, selfless. It's only when this issue started and we did not see eye to eye on it, that it became apparent that our conflict resolving skills are lacking. We both want to work on that. He's not working right now! That's terrible! He is not working right now NOT due to him simply not working, he has a great career, but the nature of his job means that he is off during the winter season. It's standard, he lives off of savings during this time. It's only by some really great luck that he got sent to work for most of January, it was expected that he would not be back at work until March. He has a really great job. Edited February 9, 2014 by Phoe
2sunny Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 When you say he treats you like a queen - can you describe what that looks like for you?
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Couples counseling? They've been dating since December. I didn't know it has been less than 3 months of dating. Moving in way too fast then, let alone discussing marriage and future together. Seems they really don't know one another that well then. But, even if they are very serious about eventually getting married, couples counseling can help them learn to communicate and listen to one another in a healthier way and they can build upon that.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 He is not working right now NOT due to him simply not working, he has a great career, but the nature of his job means that he is off during the winter season. It's standard, he lives off of savings during this time. It's only by some really great luck that he got sent to work for most of January, it was expected that he would not be back at work until March. He has a really great job. So can he not find another part time job somewhere? Freelance or something? do odd jobs here and there?
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 So can he not find another part time job somewhere? Freelance or something? do odd jobs here and there? Well he originally planned to do a bit of part time work throughout the winter, but since he got called back to work through all of January (out of state no less), he was only free from work during December and had enough savings built up that he was happy to sort of just take the month off to relax a bit. Through the beginning of February he's been focusing on his schooling and the volunteer programs he has set up through his church, and right now he's projected to be 2 weeks out from being sent back to work so there's no point in searching for a part time job now, by the time he gets one he'll have to leave it right away.
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 When you say he treats you like a queen - can you describe what that looks like for you? It's difficult to really try to explain in a way that doesn't seem ridiculous. It's in the little things really, his ability to show me that I am important to him, I am respected, cherished. His actions up to this point have spoken volumes. In a good way. My happiness is important to him. The fact that I am unhappy right now is very distressing to him. The issue here isn't that he's trying to make me unhappy and expects me to just up and do something I hate with no consideration of my feelings, because that's not true. He is not okay with the fact that I am unhappy, the problem is that he doesn't understand WHY I am unhappy. It makes no sense to him. He is very distraught right now at the fact that I am upset, and sadly my inability to vocalize my thoughts in a rational way right now means that I need to take time to myself to think through my feelings and put them into words, so that I can talk to him about it. I am a very introverted person emotionally. I feel like I'm a battery, and overly emotional interactions with people drain me of my energy. The only way for me to recharge my battery is to spend time alone. I'm mentally exhausted right now and need my recharge time. He does not like this. His way of working through things is different. He wants to talk. Talk talk talk. Now. Which doesn't work for me. It only drains me more. I cannot talk until I've recharged. In his mind right now, me pulling away and trying to get my moments of solitude is code for "I want to break up with you". Which it's not. I've told him this. But he's uncomfortable with my way of dealing with things, and he says it's causing him to build up a wall. Which is making me feel like I need to rush my thoughts now, and conversely causing me to panic even more.
veggirl Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 You have expressed your issues here quite well, maybe you could write him a letter if you are having trouble verbalizing it. How come it isn't okay for him to be at your place? How would he react if you told him it's just too soon to move in together? He can't honestly think that's a normal step for the length of your relationship... 1
2sunny Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) So can he not find another part time job somewhere? Freelance or something? do odd jobs here and there? That's what I was wondering. Also, instead of donating money to causes he's interested in- has he considered volunteering his time while he's off work? A guy who doesn't have enough to live completely on his own (especially without relying on Mom as a roomie) should be looking for other ways to earn more money in his off season. It still bugs me though - that you've stated perfectly well that you don't wish to discuss it any further - yet he keeps after you to change your mind to his lousy offer. Living with Mom isn't something many gals would want. He's not respecting you when you've clear about that not being an option for you. IF he wants to move with you - HE can certainly earn more money and be sure he can afford to share expenses with you. If he can't yet - then he shouldn't be thinking of moving with you at all. I get the battery/energy analogy - I'm the same way - I can't process how I feel and what I feel like - when a person keeps after me to do it their way. Take your time - don't allow others to set the tone for your well being. Edited February 9, 2014 by 2sunny 2
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 That's what I was wondering. Also, instead of donating money to causes he's interested in- has he considered volunteering his time while he's off work? A guy who doesn't have enough to live completely on his own (especially without relying on Mom as a roomie) should be looking for other ways to earn more money in his off season. It still bugs me though - that you've stated perfectly well that you don't wish to discuss it any further - yet he keeps after you to change your mind to his lousy offer. Living with Mom isn't something many gals would want. He's not respecting you when you've clear about that not being an option for you. IF he wants to move with you - HE can certainly earn more money and be sure he can afford to share expenses with you. If he can't yet - then he shouldn't be thinking of moving with you at all. I get the battery/energy analogy - I'm the same way - I can't process how I feel and what I feel like - when a person keeps after me to do it their way. Take your time - don't allow others to set the tone for your well being. I explained the work situation a little more thoroughly a few posts up. He intended to do some work, but being sent back to his job in January was unexpected. He took December off and has been focusing on school and church for the beginnning of this month. He's scheduled to be back to work in 2 weeks. That left no time to actually get a part time job. He already does volunteer a lot of his time. He has a charity he founded through his church and now he's suddenly wanting to give a good chunk of his money as well as his time. And not only to the charity he founded, but to the local animal shelter as well. He's also looking to get the mayor involved. He has so many grand ideas, which is great, but he's spreading himself very thin with them and can't prioritize. He wants to do everything. NOW. I'm gonna go see him this evening so we can talk about things.
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 You have expressed your issues here quite well, maybe you could write him a letter if you are having trouble verbalizing it. How come it isn't okay for him to be at your place? How would he react if you told him it's just too soon to move in together? He can't honestly think that's a normal step for the length of your relationship... Writing it all down is actually something I would like to do. I will be seeing him this evening to talk though, so I may not get the time. At least having written it down here helps me know that I have valid, rational points that I can refer to. My grandparents live in a separate wing of my house. Even though it's a huge house and I never see them, they literally may as well be in their own apartment, my grandfather would have a FIT if I had someone over. He's very particular... after getting laid off from my old job I couldn't afford my own apartment anymore, and am here until I can afford my own place again. My current job is a big downgrade from my old one, but income is income right now... We've discussed the fact that we are moving quickly many times. He knows it's fast, but he feels comfortable with me. He knows that I have a timeline and that I want to move at a reasonable pace, but he's having trouble keeping himself from getting excited about taking steps to progress things. He knows that it seems illogical and irrational and insane, moving so quickly, but he feels it's right with me. He says he feels as though he's known me forever, and that the quickness of our relationship over the past few months is as though we're making up for lost time. I tell him that I don't want to make solid decisions about our future until we've been together for a year. Lord knows he could get tired of me a year from now, I'd hate for us to be really stuck with each other at that time. If a year from now he's not tired of me or sick of me, and still feels strongly, then okay, it seems reasonable. He's convinced he'll never get sick of me. Meh...
somedude81 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 (edited) Frankly, you guys are moving way too fast. You have been from the very beginning. Though in my experience, he is doing what most guys would but you haven't put the brakes on him at all. In my opinion, you have been alone for such a long time that you have latched on to the first decent guy who's given you attention and have stopped thinking logically. You're being completely swept up in the emotions and excitement. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys would have eloped already. None of you seem to be thinking with your heads. You're in a whirlwind romance. What's the longest amount of time that you've gone without seeing each other since you first met? Edited February 9, 2014 by somedude81 4
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Frankly, you guys are moving way too fast. You have been from the very beginning. Though in my experience, he is doing what most guys would but you haven't put the brakes on him at all. In my opinion, you have been alone for such a long time that you have latched on to the first decent guy who's given you attention and have stopped thinking logically. You're being completely swept up in the emotions and excitement. I wouldn't be surprised if you guys would have eloped already. None of you seem to be thinking with your heads. You're in a whirlwind romance. What's the longest amount of time that you've gone without seeing each other since you first met? I've put the brakes on more than he would've wanted, but still not enough to be moving at a reasonable pace. We both are happy so it's hard to force a slow down. I'm doing what I can though. The longest we've gone without seeing each other is 4 days. Usually there's only one day a week we don't see each other, even if sometimes it's just seeing each other briefly to go to the gym together.
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 We had a conversation tonight and we were able to say everything we wanted to say, and made up. We are tired of fighting over this. We are gonna put the issue behind us and focus on being happy.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 He already does volunteer a lot of his time. He has a charity he founded through his church and now he's suddenly wanting to give a good chunk of his money as well as his time. And not only to the charity he founded, but to the local animal shelter as well. He's also looking to get the mayor involved. He has so many grand ideas, which is great, but he's spreading himself very thin with them and can't prioritize. He wants to do everything. NOW. I'm gonna go see him this evening so we can talk about things. He has to start thinking as a couple now, if he intends on saving money so you two can eventually move in together. It's great he wants to donate, but now isn't the best time if he wants to save money. He can't do both and afford to move out. may I ask how old he is?
Els Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Hi Phoe, I've only read your first and last page, so sorry if I've missed anything. First off, yes, moving in together after a few months is very, very quick. I think he is within his rights to want a decent nest egg before moving in with you. I mean, what would happen if he moved into an apartment with you and lost his job? Would you be okay paying the entirety of the rent if he had no savings? What he is NOT within his rights to do is to agree to the deposit and then change his mind, and also to keep mentioning his mom. How old is he and why does he still live with his mom, anyhow? Had he ever expressed any intentions of moving out prior to this decision to move in with you? I'm glad you two have made up, but please be very very careful with this guy. And you are right to slow things down a lot. Put off the entire moving in together issue until at least a few more months down the line. Now would also be a good time to start learning how to communicate better as a couple during times of conflict. It's one of the hardest skills to learn IMO, and what makes it harder is that every R is different in this aspect.
Els Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 My grandparents live in a separate wing of my house. Even though it's a huge house and I never see them, they literally may as well be in their own apartment, my grandfather would have a FIT if I had someone over. Also, I just read this. Phoe, this isn't okay at all. There isn't anything wrong with you living with your grandparents but there is a lot wrong with your grandfather trying to dictate who comes home with you and who doesn't, at your age. I know that family stuff is rarely straightforward, but you need to find a way to settle this issue, IMO.
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Also, I just read this. Phoe, this isn't okay at all. There isn't anything wrong with you living with your grandparents but there is a lot wrong with your grandfather trying to dictate who comes home with you and who doesn't, at your age. I know that family stuff is rarely straightforward, but you need to find a way to settle this issue, IMO. Unfortunately, he's tried being physically abusive towards me at times, and has attempted kicking me out as well. He hates me. Always has. I do not know why. All I know is I don't want a repeat scene of him chasing me through the house trying to hit me because I asked if he had eaten my peanut butter. Also, he's a bit of a gun enthusiast, so I don't want my boyfriend here if my grandfather gets angry. Until I can afford my own place or can move out with my boyfriend, I am stuck here, unfortunately.
KathyM Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Yesterday, you said your boyfriend is a seminary student that is studying to be a full-time pastor. How is it possible that he has this job where he's gone for several days, and has the financial means to get an apartment? This is confusing. Maybe you should tell him to pray about it . . .
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Yesterday, you said your boyfriend is a seminary student that is studying to be a full-time pastor. How is it possible that he has this job where he's gone for several days, and has the financial means to get an apartment? This is confusing. Maybe you should tell him to pray about it . . . How is it confusing? Lots of people work and do school at the same time. He was out of school all of January, which is why he agreed to be sent out of state for the month. His job could send him anywhere in the territory. Now that he's back doing school 2-3 nights a week, I doubt he'd take an out of state job. He would work jobs that allowed him to come home in the evenings. He'd only skip out on school for the time being if the job offer was EXTREMELY high paying. The next one he's scheduled for will only be about 40 minutes away so he will be working full time as well as going to school. He's extremely busy but gets it done and is very well paid. When I was a full time student in college I also had 2 jobs. I was able to have my own apartment.
somedude81 Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Unfortunately, he's tried being physically abusive towards me at times, and has attempted kicking me out as well. He hates me. Always has. I do not know why. All I know is I don't want a repeat scene of him chasing me through the house trying to hit me because I asked if he had eaten my peanut butter. Also, he's a bit of a gun enthusiast, so I don't want my boyfriend here if my grandfather gets angry. Until I can afford my own place or can move out with my boyfriend, I am stuck here, unfortunately. Well that sounds pretty horrible. How/why did you end up moving in with your grandparents in the first place?
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 He has to start thinking as a couple now, if he intends on saving money so you two can eventually move in together. It's great he wants to donate, but now isn't the best time if he wants to save money. He can't do both and afford to move out. may I ask how old he is? He's convinced he can simultaneously save AND contribute. He says it will take a few months to save but that he's still going to be doing it. It's not worth arguing. He makes waaaay more money than I do, so maybe he knows better than I do what he is an isn't capable of regarding saving. All I know is that from MY standpoint, it seems like it's gonna be difficult. He's 25
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Well that sounds pretty horrible. How/why did you end up moving in with your grandparents in the first place? It was touched upon earlier in the thread but I'll explain incase it was missed. I used to have a great job and my own apartment. I got laid off unexpectedly, could not afford my place anymore, and had to move quick. This is where I ended up. I now have a pretty crappy job, have been trying to find a better one, but for right now, income is income, so I take the crappy job. Until I can get back to a better paying job so I can afford rent on an apartment, I'm stuck. Which is another reason why my boyfriend thought it would be better that I live with him and his mom than to be here.
Author Phoe Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 Hi Phoe, I've only read your first and last page, so sorry if I've missed anything. First off, yes, moving in together after a few months is very, very quick. I think he is within his rights to want a decent nest egg before moving in with you. I mean, what would happen if he moved into an apartment with you and lost his job? Would you be okay paying the entirety of the rent if he had no savings? What he is NOT within his rights to do is to agree to the deposit and then change his mind, and also to keep mentioning his mom. How old is he and why does he still live with his mom, anyhow? Had he ever expressed any intentions of moving out prior to this decision to move in with you? I'm glad you two have made up, but please be very very careful with this guy. And you are right to slow things down a lot. Put off the entire moving in together issue until at least a few more months down the line. Now would also be a good time to start learning how to communicate better as a couple during times of conflict. It's one of the hardest skills to learn IMO, and what makes it harder is that every R is different in this aspect. He knows I would be okay with paying full rent in the event of an emergency, but he said HE would not be okay with me paying the rent if something went wrong. He said he never wants something like that to happen. He hasn't always lived with her, they only just moved in together about a year ago. They both lived elsewhere, and got this house up here and moved in together for financial convenience.
KathyM Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 It seems like he has quite a bit on his plate. He goes to seminary AND has a high paying job AND you say he has sex with you several times a day. When does this poor guy sleep? Maybe you should encourage him to reduce his commitments so he doesn't burn himself out, rather than taking on more of an obligation with an apartment. The cost of going to seminary school is not cheap. I would think he would want to save on expenses and it would make sense to continue to live with his mother while he is in college so he doesn't have a huge college debt to pay off when he graduates.
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