Chapelle_S Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Hello everyone, I have been feeling pretty terrible for the past few weeks and need some advice on how to continue with my relationship. (It may be a bit long, I apologize...) I am currently seeing my ex-bf. By seeing, I mean staying over his house a lot and spending most of my free time with him. We had a tough relationship, all thanks to my inability to completely lose my previous bf of 6 years. I took things way too fast after breaking up with ex-1 and spent the next two years wavering between ex-1 and ex-2. I finally decided what I longed for was the sentiment of youth and all of the friends I had with ex-1 and finally ended any romance between myself and ex-1. I took a few months of alone time, and in May (having been in casual contact with ex-2) told ex-2 that I was completely done and settled in my mind, and if he wanted to move things into a dating situation again I would be happy to do so with him. We were casually hooking up and hanging out around this time, and he said he needed a few months to process things and make a decision since I hurt him so badly before. I agreed to an August resolution, but still continued seeing and sleeping with him throughout the summer and into the fall. In winter, I moved back into the neighborhood and have been seeing him a lot. Spending most of my time at his house ... seeing him exclusively, everything was building up and leading to something more substantial. I asked him again whether he wanted to progress with things and he was still unsure. Here lies the problem ... I was house-sitting for him one week and noticed on his house's caller id that he was in contact with a girl he had met on an online dating site in April/May. The phone calls were weekly and long in duration (think 3 hours long until 3am type of calls) and some had taken place in the past week. I got upset because I asked if he was seeing someone else over the summer and he said no. When he returned I asked him about the calls with the girl and he said they were just friends, had never met, and he had no romantic feelings towards her. I believed him and calmed back down. But part of my mind wanted to know more, so in steps of me looking at fb photo albums of his/hers and he lying to me at every step, I found out that yes ... they had been in contact. She lives far away, but they had still met up at least 4 times. As recently as November. And they had been sleeping together, and on her part it seemed like she deeply cared for him as a potential bf. This caused a monumental break-down on my part. He was angry that I looked at the public photo albums and said it was none of my business and I shouldn't have been snooping. I asked him if he would give me an answer on whether he wanted to date me or not, and told that I couldn't see him if he was in constant contact with her and asked him to tell her that he has been getting more serious with me. He said he wants to remain friends with her, and he couldn't tell her about me because she would be upset. He says he told her that he just wanted to be friends a few weeks ago and her feelings would be hurt if she knew he was seeing someone right now. She recently saw a fb picture I had of me at his house and she contacted him to tell him it made her sad. He got angry at me and had me take it down. He also has some trinkets of his time with her around his house (cards, gifts, etc). Yesterday I was making him dinner and found him listening to a song he had made for her and sent to her for her birthday today. Since this all happened he says that he is stressed from the situation and needs more time to decide if he wants to date me or not. I have never felt so terrible. He is usually a trust-worthy guy, but everything he has told me about this girl has been a lie, so I am finding it hard to believe anything he says. I know that I messed up our relationship in the beginning, so I can give him some lee-way. I am not upset that he was seeing her, I am upset that he is still in contact with her and refuses to tell her about me. And also that he wont give me a yes-or-no answer to whether he wants to date me. He is also not being very supportive about this whole thing and does not recognize how hurt I am. I really have been wanting this to work since May, and have put a lot of my heart into it. It is hard to just up and leave, but I will end up ruining the relationship with the way that things are going. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!! Edited February 7, 2014 by Chapelle_S
undercover_lover Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I have never felt so terrible. He is usually a trust-worthy guy, but everything he has told me about this girl has been a lie, so I am finding it hard to believe anything he says. I know that I messed up our relationship in the beginning, so I can give him some lee-way. I am not upset that he was seeing her, I am upset that he is still in contact with her and refuses to tell her about me. And also that he wont give me a yes-or-no answer to whether he wants to date me. He is also not being very supportive about this whole thing and does not recognize how hurt I am. I really have been wanting this to work since May, and have put a lot of my heart into it. It is hard to just up and leave, but I will end up ruining the relationship with the way that things are going. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!! Hello Chappelle, sounds like a tough situation. From what I gather, especially in your last paragraph, it seems as if your ex may already be in a relationship with the other girl and is just not telling you. The bolded above shows that he is having fun stringing the both of you along and since you two had issues in your relationship before, he may feel he's entitled (right or wrong). If I were you I'd stop making yourself so available to him. He doesn't seem to want to put in the effort you need. Take care of yourself.
Thegreatestthing Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 He is not interested in making it work like you are,if he was he would not be pursuing another girl all these months,sleeping with her etc,ok maybe he is interested in pursuing both of you,don't give him that option - back away completely and let him miss you or decide who he wants to be with.
georgecostanza Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 If she lived closer, he'd be in a relationship with her. You need to move on.
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