BodyBuilder101 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Ok so i need some advice please from some mature individuals to help me rationalise and make sense of the situation I am currently facing. I am 26 years old and have been dating a 21 year old girl now for about 7-8 months. She previously came out of a long 4 year relationship. So I see her probably once a week to every 10 days or so, she is very busy and has some pretty rough circumstances regarding her family at the moment, I won't go into details. I become tired of seeing her once a week and felt like she had her priorities a bit screwed up, e.g. she would never cancel on any prior arrangement to see me no matter how menial it may be, a dinner with a friend or a drink with a friend something like that. I basically wanted to take the relationship further and have a girlfriend and she seems to keep me at arms length all of the time, is very vague and doesn't show too much emotion. I eventually told her I wasn't happy and told her we should just call it off because I can see she doesn't have that spark for me and never goes out of her way to express any real interest in me. She said she was sad and she did really like me but because of problems with her ex before she is trying to see her friends more and basically throw everyone in the same bag including me. I didn't speak to her for 4-5 days and she didn't make an attempt to contact me. I eventually became frustrated and spoke to her, we didn't fight but I made my feelings known to which she replied saying she was sad doesn't want it to be this way but stood her ground regarding how busy she was etc. Now I am 99% she is just not into me which I can handle. I don't really need advise in this situation as much as confirmation that my gut and my suspicions are correct, that she is not ready to commit and I am right for breaking it off now to prevent even greater heart ache down the road. If she has a change of heart she will come back if she doesn't then it just wasn't meant to be. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and your comments on the situation. Thanks.
BlametheIrish Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You are right, it seems shes not ready to commit. Lots of 21 year olds are still figuring themselves out and still have alot of maturing to do. As far as breaking plans go I think its extremely rude to break plans like you requested of her. It makes more sense to plan ahead of time instead of trying to get her to break pkans with friends to hang out with you If you're looking for a serious commitment I'd suggest someone more your age. But thats just my opinion based on many early 20's people I'm close with. They are all so certain of ehat they want until it changes, and it changes often. 1
frigginlost Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 The gut is pretty much 100% right all the time. Your head is screwed on perfect. It's tough, but you are right in letting her go. When she's ready to commit, and if you are a part of that commitment, she will let you know. If not, like you said, it was not meant to be. Stay strong, bud. 1
Author BodyBuilder101 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 You are right, it seems shes not ready to commit. Lots of 21 year olds are still figuring themselves out and still have alot of maturing to do. As far as breaking plans go I think its extremely rude to break plans like you requested of her. It makes more sense to plan ahead of time instead of trying to get her to break pkans with friends to hang out with you If you're looking for a serious commitment I'd suggest someone more your age. But thats just my opinion based on many early 20's people I'm close with. They are all so certain of ehat they want until it changes, and it changes often. Thanks. Yeah I never once asked her to cancel any plans or anything like that but my gut just tells me she kind of plans everything and then trys to fit me in around that if you know what I mean? lol. I'd never expect someone to do that. Its just an overall feeling that no importance was placed on me at all, at least what you would expect after seeing someone for 8 months and telling them you really like them etc.
Author BodyBuilder101 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 The gut is pretty much 100% right all the time. Your head is screwed on perfect. It's tough, but you are right in letting her go. When she's ready to commit, and if you are a part of that commitment, she will let you know. If not, like you said, it was not meant to be. Stay strong, bud. Thank you for the validation. I have a big heart so I tend to blame myself a lot and feel like I have done an injustice to this girl but at the same time, I wasn't asking the world of her and I think she knows she could have made the necessary changes if she really wanted to.
Chi townD Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Yeah, you were setting yourself up to be the rebound guy. That she would only contact you if she was feeling lonely and in the need of male companionship; which wasn't fair to you. Time to move on dude. 1
radiodarcy Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I agree with the other posts: she's just not that into you. It sounds like she jumped into things too soon post breakup; when it would have been better if she had stayed single and allowed herself that time to re-connect with friends, handle her family issues, etc. Instead, it seems as though she just wants you there on stand-by for if and when she decides to pursue a relationship with you. As it's often been said: never make someone a priority, if they're only willing to make you an option So yes, you did the right thing in breaking it off with her. 1
Author BodyBuilder101 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Another thing I forget to mention was she got quite defensive when I tried to express myself to her and let her know how I was feeling. She said I was accusing her of stuff and I actually never accused her of anything. She also said I told her I have no feelings for her, which is the complete opposite of why the whole issue was bought up... and I have never said any such thing. Strange...
radiodarcy Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Another thing I forget to mention was she got quite defensive when I tried to express myself to her and let her know how I was feeling. She said I was accusing her of stuff and I actually never accused her of anything. She also said I told her I have no feelings for her, which is the complete opposite of why the whole issue was bought up... and I have never said any such thing. Strange... ugh - - my ex did this to me as well. And that was a rebound relationship too. Instead of giving herself the chance to deal with the negative emotions from her last breakup, she's now projecting those negative emotions onto you; because she doesn't want to deal with them. Which means no matter what you say, she'll find a way to turn it around on you and make you out to be the bad guy.
Author BodyBuilder101 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 ugh - - my ex did this to me as well. And that was a rebound relationship too. Instead of giving herself the chance to deal with the negative emotions from her last breakup, she's now projecting those negative emotions onto you; because she doesn't want to deal with them. Which means no matter what you say, she'll find a way to turn it around on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Yes totally and I don't want to go down that route, so as things are at the moment are probably for the best I guess.
guest572 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Yes, I was in your situation as well but didn't have the sense/experience to know to get out sooner rather than later. I think you are right. It doesn't sound like she is willing to change in allowing things to become more serious. I wouldn't listen to her trying to blame you and say you're accusing her of things, you have expressed your feelings and tried to make it work which is all you can do.
Caliguy30 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 RUN RUN LIKE THE WIND!! I am 28 recently done with a 22 year old. She was 20 when we first started dating. I'm not saying all people in their early 20's don't want a healthy relationship, but it sounds like she is smarter than my ex not to string you along. Sounds like she wants to be young and on her own. Trust me, before you get too invested I'd tell her to kick rocks.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I can see where she is coming from x I'm guilty of doing the same because when the ex & u split I realised I didn't have many friends left. & now I have rebuilt that I'm scared of waking up again & having no one x I really like my fella but just being cautious x
Author BodyBuilder101 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 I can see where she is coming from x I'm guilty of doing the same because when the ex & u split I realised I didn't have many friends left. & now I have rebuilt that I'm scared of waking up again & having no one x I really like my fella but just being cautious x I understand but it's an immature way to be. It's imparting judgement from your past on someone who is really good willing towards you. Nothing good can come from trying to self preserve like that. And as you get older you do realise that a good partner is a hell of a lot more important than a couple of friends. Not saying you can't have both but that mentality implies one without the other the very thing your afraid of but the opposite way around. The
Author BodyBuilder101 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I am still really beat up about this and want to contact her. I feel like she genuinely feels overwhelmed and probably now feels like I have dumped her as I told her I couldn't sit by any longer and just be an option. She completely believes that she cannot cope with a relationship with me but genuinely likes me. Because of everything else going on in her life (and a lot is going on) Want to text her... Don't know what to do... I want her to change her feelings and break the no contact to reach out to me but I feel like I can't MAKE someone see the woods through the trees.
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I am still really beat up about this and want to contact her. I feel like she genuinely feels overwhelmed and probably now feels like I have dumped her as I told her I couldn't sit by any longer and just be an option. She completely believes that she cannot cope with a relationship with me but genuinely likes me. Because of everything else going on in her life (and a lot is going on) Want to text her... Don't know what to do... I want her to change her feelings and break the no contact to reach out to me but I feel like I can't MAKE someone see the woods through the trees. Then don't waste your time. Look, you told her you couldn't sit by and just be an option. Did she argue against this? Did she fight for you? Try to prove to you that what you just said was wrong? NOPE! She just let you go without a word or a fight. So, time to move on, dude.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I'm sad to say this, but being the girl in her situation, you are just a rebound. I've been seeing a guy for about 3 months now, after coming out of a 3 year relationship. I moved on fast for a reason: to get over my ex. But I wasn't really looking for anything serious. He is a great guy too and I told him from the beginning that I would take things very slow and how I just got out of a long term relationship. I was mainly looking for fun and distraction, obviously I sugar coated that but he was all in. Now he has developed major feelings for me and I'm just not interested. At all. I usually cancel plans on him, don't reply to his texts right away and usually never initiate contact. To be honest, it is selfish of me and I feel bad about it, but there are no deep feelings for him or chemistry there. But in a way, it got me over a HUGE hump of my heartbreak where now I can say I am truly moving on and want nothing to do with my ex anymore thanks to Mr. Rebound. Unfortunately, the other guys feelings were involved and I feel like crap for hurting him. I guess my point is, just run and don't look back. You will never be more than a rebound to her. It sucks, I've been on both sides but at least you didn't invest too much time into her.
tlegend Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I don't know why you would post such things on my thread. People come here for support. I am so grateful this girl is nothing like you and neither is my situation like yours. Please delete you message. Ever hear of the hackers who hack into companies websites...then show the company how to protect against an invasion? BlessYourCottonSocks just did that for you. Please back up and realize that what she posted is a real-life recollection and relation of an experience that, as much as you may think "yours is a special case", it isn't. Many people have been where you are at right now. Please don't tell everyone to comment or support about your situation, then ask them to remove it if you don't like it. 1
radiodarcy Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Ever hear of the hackers who hack into companies websites...then show the company how to protect against an invasion? BlessYourCottonSocks just did that for you. Please back up and realize that what she posted is a real-life recollection and relation of an experience that, as much as you may think "yours is a special case", it isn't. Many people have been where you are at right now. Please don't tell everyone to comment or support about your situation, then ask them to remove it if you don't like it. OP, I too have been used a a rebound and it sucks. I understand how painful Socks's post may have been to read but as legend says she was trying to give you the inside track on what goes through the mind of a rebounder. No it isn't fair to used someone as a rebound. And I don't think your ex (or any other rebounders for that matter) intend to hurt anyone. But it's frustrating to be used as a rebound because by the time we figure out we are being used as such, it's too late: we're already emotionally involved. I was a year in before I realized I was a rebound. Yes I was a bit slow on the uptake as he had been distant for months. And even after that I hung on for another 1.5 years . Like your ex, he kept putting me on the back burner: saying he wanted to spend more time with friends, family etc. Even if she says that she wants to be in a relationship with you - - as you already know - - she's just not able to commit right now. And may not be able to for awhile. As difficult as it may be to stay quiet and do nothing, it's going to be much more painful to continue the cycle by allowing yourself to be strung along.
BDL Posted February 11, 2014 Posted February 11, 2014 Want to text her... Don't know what to do... On a cute puppy's life, please do not text or call her. You will come across as needy, and that is an instant attraction killer. She has to be the one to contact you. If and when she does, then you can go ahead and set up another date with her. On those dates, are you being fun, making jokes, and keeping it light? Yeah, do this. While you are waiting for her to call you, why don't you approach and meet other women? Go on dates with them. What's stopping you from meeting and dating other women? Look inwards and figure out the why? Maybe when she finds out you have other options, she will start to think and wonder about you, her attraction will go up, and then who knows where that will lead!
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