Blondewriter Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I dumped my boyfriend a month and a half ago after a two year relationship. Things had been going south for awhile and he was becoming self-destructive. It was really tough at first, but I was doing great until last weekend when my grandmother passed away. All of my pain came tumbling back. My boyfriend replaced me just a few weeks after we broke up. I never talk to him, but we have many mutual friends who talk about him all of the time. I guess he says awful things about me and acts like he's obsessed with his new girlfriend who is fresh out of high school (I'm about to graduate from college). My friends tell me that he started doing drugs and drinking every night. I don't particularly like hearing these things, but I'm wondering if he exposes my friends to this behavior knowing that I will hear about it. I just don't understand how it's so easy for him to forget about me and move on to an immature girl and be in a happy relationship with her. It makes it so difficult. He said to a mutual friend, "If I wanted her (me) back, all I'd have to do is call and she'd be back in a heartbeat." I am telling my friends that I don't want to hear about him anymore, but I'm afraid that he'll hear about it and then think that I'm all torn up over him and that I would take him back. I am seeing someone and getting my life back on track, but this is still weighing on me. How should I go about this?
alphamale Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by Blondewriter I dumped my boyfriend a month and a half ago after a two year relationship. I just don't understand how it's so easy for him to forget about me and move on to an immature girl and be in a happy relationship with her. It makes it so difficult. The first four words above are "I DUMPED MY BOYFRIEND". The rest makes no sense.
Author Blondewriter Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 Well, technically I dumped him because he gave me little choice. It wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do, and he knows that. He would treat me horribly and then cry when I threatened to leave. It's not like I just broke things off because I was finished with him. It was difficult for both of us. Thanks for judging me during a difficult time though, that was kind of you.
alphamale Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by Blondewriter Well, technically I dumped him because he gave me little choice. It wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do, and he knows that. He would treat me horribly and then cry when I threatened to leave. It's not like I just broke things off because I was finished with him. It was difficult for both of us. Thanks for judging me during a difficult time though, that was kind of you. why did you not add that in your original post then? I can only go by what info you give. if you still want him then go and get him.
Author Blondewriter Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 I don't want him. I think I expressed that. I want him to stop talking about me to our friends. I want to know why he's doing that. I want to understand what's going on. I want some advice from somebody who can relate to what I'm going through. Perhaps I didn't articulate my situation to the best of my ability. Ultimately, I am just somebody mourning the loss of both a grandmother and a relationship and I feel completely lost right now. I can't relate my pain to my friends because they are friends with him. That's my problem. I'm just stuck in a place where I know that I did the right thing breaking it off, but I now have to deal with the aftermath of it.
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 My condolences re your grandmother. There is really nothing you can do to control his behavior, so I recommend adopting a Zen-like attitude towards it. Treat it similar to the weather and just do whatever you have to to stay dry and warm. If all of your friends are joint with him, and they are willing to listen to him say horrible things about you (could we get a bit of detail, BTW?), then that is a problem over which you do have some control. Start making some new friends who are more reliable and loyal. I know, you're hurting and need support. I'm just counselling acceptance of that which you CANNOT control.
Author Blondewriter Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 Thank you for your advice SoleMate. I think it's what I needed to hear. From what I know, my friends are all pretty disgusted with him and are phasing out their friendships with him. They were very supportive when I ended things, and many of them told me that the only reason they tolerated him was because he was my boyfriend. Unfortunately, they are all performers and are required to see my ex everyday during rehearsals, and they seem to feel obligated to tell me every little thing that he does with and without his new girlfriend. Granted, they tell me awful things about him that make me happy we broke up, but I would rather not hear anything at all. I think you are right, I do need to take on a Zen-like attitude. I can't control his behavior, or my friends' passing comments. I can ignore them though. Normally I'm a really laid-back person, but my grandmother's passing has shaken me up a bit. I read what I'm writing and am horrified at how pathetic I am, especially since I have always considered myself a strong woman.
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I don't see anything pathetic about you. You are asking questions that many people have at the end of a relationship - what happened? why? how could he? About your friends, it is good that they are loyal to you and not him. All you have to do know is let them know nicely that reminders of your ex are troubling to you. I am telling my friends that I don't want to hear about him anymore, but I'm afraid that he'll hear about it and then think that I'm all torn up over him and that I would take him back. Fortunately, since you know that his reaction is out of your control, and in fact no longer of real interest to you, you can stop worrying about the effect that this might have on him. I am sure that most people listening to his braggadocio take it with a grain of salt. Healthy people who have moved on don't bother telling acquaintances "my ex would come crawling back if I crooked my little finger". Most listeners will take that as a sign of his own immaturity. On your new r/s - I hope you are going very slow, and not using this as a rebound?
Author Blondewriter Posted January 17, 2005 Author Posted January 17, 2005 I am taking things very slowly; I would say that the man in my life now is more of a companion to me than a boyfriend. He knows what I am going through and that I care about him, so we are adapting our relationship to the situation at hand. Neither of us is trying to jump into something serious when it is obviously not the right time for that.
theone44 Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by Blondewriter I dumped my boyfriend a month and a half ago after a two year relationship. Things had been going south for awhile and he was becoming self-destructive. It was really tough at first, but I was doing great until last weekend when my grandmother passed away. All of my pain came tumbling back. My boyfriend replaced me just a few weeks after we broke up. I never talk to him, but we have many mutual friends who talk about him all of the time. I guess he says awful things about me and acts like he's obsessed with his new girlfriend who is fresh out of high school (I'm about to graduate from college). My friends tell me that he started doing drugs and drinking every night. I don't particularly like hearing these things, but I'm wondering if he exposes my friends to this behavior knowing that I will hear about it. I just don't understand how it's so easy for him to forget about me and move on to an immature girl and be in a happy relationship with her. It makes it so difficult. He said to a mutual friend, "If I wanted her (me) back, all I'd have to do is call and she'd be back in a heartbeat." I am telling my friends that I don't want to hear about him anymore, but I'm afraid that he'll hear about it and then think that I'm all torn up over him and that I would take him back. I am seeing someone and getting my life back on track, but this is still weighing on me. How should I go about this? if you dump him then. why is the heck you worry about him moving on with his new girlfriend with-out you. some women just don't make sense sometime..
theone44 Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Originally posted by Blondewriter I don't want him. I think I expressed that. I want him to stop talking about me to our friends. I want to know why he's doing that. I want to understand what's going on. I want some advice from somebody who can relate to what I'm going through. Perhaps I didn't articulate my situation to the best of my ability. Ultimately, I am just somebody mourning the loss of both a grandmother and a relationship and I feel completely lost right now. I can't relate my pain to my friends because they are friends with him. That's my problem. I'm just stuck in a place where I know that I did the right thing breaking it off, but I now have to deal with the aftermath of it. did mean to be so harsh. sorry about your gradmother,and may her soul rest in peace.
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