Lifegoezon Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Hi all. I've been reading these boards a few days now and must say how much the wisdom and supportive words of all the posters has helped me. It amazes me how alike these stories are and how similarly we all react. This is a good thing because it reassures me that the recovery can be achieved for me too if I follow the rules. This isn't my first BU of course but as we all know, each one hurts no less than the last. My story: I am technically the dumper, but not really. Four weeks ago I discovered he'd started internet dating again (that's how we met four years ago) behind my back. There were no signs from him, no lack of affection or contact, no arguments, just a lowered sexual appetite. I finished it for him immediately and in a rage - no discussion. I emailed him a goodbye soon after (calmly) telling him what I thought about what he'd done. Unfortunately we are involved in a litigation and I had to ask him to sign a document for court. He supplied it promptly and included a handwritten goodbye breadcrumb full of self-loathing, guilt and remorse. This knocked the stuffing right out of me because his regret and shame eroded my anger enough to awake the stupid hope that it could be fixed, even though he wasn't asking for that. So inevitably I fell into the pattern of loss, grief and futile need for closure. I resisted the temptation to respond for two days, then I let him have it. Comprehensively getting it off my chest, no begging. I got a drunken email breadcrumb within two hours, same self-pitying vein; I'm his soul mate, he never stopped loving me, just less desire, how to get over it, he's a monster, dire predictions for his future. At first I thought 'whatever' but I was pleased he's hurting. Validates somehow the depth of feeling I thought we had. Is that delusional? Anyway, I haven't responded and that was 14 days ago. There's been no more. This isn't the first time I've been through this with him. The first 18 months of our relationship was quite casual but was established as a committed partnership two and a half years ago. Four months in he was attracted by a passing girl and dumped me for her. I was a wreck. I failed at NC for the first few days and left the door open for him, but then got on with it only to have him back with the complete 180 after just over two weeks. I took him back and there have been ups and downs but the past two years have been largely very rewarding and I don't regret them. Last time I could forgive because his head was turned at a vulnerable moment in our relationship and I understand how that can happen. Plus he did the honest thing right away. This time the door is closed because he went looking and he lied so that's different. A nonsense distinction maybe. I've now done all the self-destructive internet stalking and found things I don't like (dating and scummy hookup site profiles,) which just confirms how different what we had was to what I thought we had. In spite of this I feel jealousy and betrayal that he's now out dating freely while I lick my wounds and of course I think about him all the time. I know I'll get over this and life does indeed go on. I'm not in first flush of youth and don't have time to waste on a long recovery so I'm motivated to follow the rules and move on. Thank you for giving me such good advice and a place to vent. If I'd found this four weeks ago I'd have been NC since then.
RDawg Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You come across as mature and intelligent. If I was in your position I doubt I could handle it so well. People are terrible. I feel sorry for the next woman this guy gets involved with, he clearly has no moral conscience. Kinda freaks one out that you could have loved someone like this.
Author Lifegoezon Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 That's the shocker for me. To get someone so wrong and still have strong feelings even though their behaviour is totally unforgivable. I'm not tempted to break NC and I've stopped the online stalking but I can't seem to shake off the hope he will come back with the 180. My brain says I couldn't take him back anyway but my heart still hopes.
Author Lifegoezon Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 It's now 7 weeks post BU and 5 weeks NC (not counting minor stalking) and I am mostly fine. I am resigned to the end being final and I still have no desire to break NC by reaching out, although I have idly stalked on the internet once or twice - usually driven by the sixth sense that led me to the discovery that he'd resumed online dating. I no longer spend every waking minute dwelling on him, our relationship, what happened in the end or what he's doing now. It's become easier and I am moving past it - that's for sure. I haven't reached benign indifference yet though, which is why I cave to my occasional stalking urge. The first time I did, I found he'd put a new profile on the dating site where we met using one of my favourite photos from our holiday last year. (I'm not in it but he's looking hot!) Last night I had the urge to randomly searched for him on Facebook, just to check I was still blocked I guess, even though we were never friends there (a whole other story.) And guess what! He's unblocked me. Mostly I'm in a good enough place to think 'meh' but I'm curious about why he would make the effort to do these things - I'm sure he'sl expecting me to see what he's done. Don't tell me I'm seeing it as hope for a future because there truly is none. And I don't plan to do anything with the knowledge - except maybe stop the stalking! But still - I can't help wondering what's the point? Any ideas?
wergotproblems Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 UGH! Aren't we all in this crap situation! My ex would randomly message me on facebook probably so I can be tempted to see her profile. But nope. I'm resisting. 1
Author Lifegoezon Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 We were never FB friends because he wouldn't openly acknowledge our 2 year+ relationship due to having no spine. He's blocked me before from even seeing his public profile 'for my own good', most recently after our split. Today I see he has unblocked me. Yes I know I shouldn't be looking and I'm only slightly picking the scab because I'm moved on enough to know there's no fixing us. I'm just very curious about why he'd bother to do that after 5 weeks no contact. I'd appreciate views. Might help me stop thinking about it.
Author Lifegoezon Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Tara Maiden I am honoured to have your advice. I know you are right and that was my first thought. But thenWon't that just tell him I was looking? I'm thinking no reaction sends its own message. I'm still curious why he'd bother as there is no way back for us. But I do value your input. Thank you.
TaraMaiden Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 It depends how really important this is to you. if you have a 'secure' profile, he can't get much past 1st base to check on you. Just ignore it then, and let it be. He figures that as he's "over you" enough to be able to unblock you now, you'll be "over him" sufficiently to look for him. Don't give him further satisfaction. And make sure you keep away from his profile.... 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 ...And thank you for your compliments. I'm far from perfect, hun..... I just don't let on..... 1
Author Lifegoezon Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Don't undervalue your standing on this site though. Legend. 1
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