SolG Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) I don't mean isolating in the sense that you have no friends or life... but isolating in the sense that there is so much you can't share! Not that I am insinuating that this is the case for all OW/M, but that I'm betting that there are a fair few like me that don't share this really important, meaningful part of their lives. It's just too.. too much... too private... too shaming. And it's not really all your secret to share. While everyone else is talking in the lunch room about what their SO does, or did on the weekend or last night... I keep mum. When they ask who I'm taking to such and such a function... I say I'm going by myself. When friends want to set me up.. I say, thanks, but no thanks, I'm all good and no need. I'm so fabulously satisfied with being single and my own company is awesome. Single friends don't understand when you're out with them and they're all out there frenetically trying to find Mr Right and wondering why you're not trying to 'catch' a date. Married friends think you're weird and are uncomfortable with you tagging along to couple functions all un-coupley alone. It's only a matter of time before they subscribe you to cat breeders anonymous so you can start working on the old crazy cat lady persona! And then here I am on a Friday night drinking wine at home alone because it's sooooo much effort going out with others and keeping up appearances. It sucks for me. How about for you? Edited February 7, 2014 by SolG
LilGirlandOW Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 i felt the EXACT same way and still do to a small handful of people. 1
mrthrowaway Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Damn ... I thought being a MOM to a MOW was isolating ... I can't even begin to imagine how it must be for an OM or OW. Weekends are the worst, even when you're with your family, your mind is elsewhere, wondering what they're doing, if they're thinking about you too. It's draining. I have a best friend who I was able to confide in, which helped immeasurably, but not everyone has someone they can trust like that. 1
Author SolG Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Hey mrthrowaway, welcome :-) You sound like my MM when I complain about my isolation. He says that while he's not 'alone', he feels trapped and awkward when with his W; and that this is just as bad as feeling isolated. Hey lil' :-) Aren't you with your MM now in a legitimate relationship? Does the isolation still persist? How do you find 'coming out' to people you knew during the A? Edited February 7, 2014 by SolG 1
Realist3 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Damn ... I thought being a MOM to a MOW was isolating ... I can't even begin to imagine how it must be for an OM or OW. Weekends are the worst, even when you're with your family, your mind is elsewhere, wondering what they're doing, if they're thinking about you too. It's draining. I have a best friend who I was able to confide in, which helped immeasurably, but not everyone has someone they can trust like that. I think they are very similar, just different. As a MOM or MOW you are still going through motions that are distant from where your mind is. And trust me, when you are married and in an affair the number of people you can talk to is about nil given the taboo subject. Even though a few people know it is not something they are comfortable discussing. At the same time what really is there to discuss? Maybe I'm too hardened at this point, but none of my close friends I would talk to about it don't have that similar experience.
Secret Advisor Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Maybe I'm too hardened at this point, but none of my close friends I would talk to about it don't have that similar experience. You don't know about theirs in the same way that they don't know about yours.
mrthrowaway Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Hey mrthrowaway, welcome :-) You sound like my MM when I complain about my isolation. He says that while he's not 'alone', he feels trapped and awkward when with his W; and that this is just as bad as feeling isolated. It's odd - you've got things that are meant to be great going on (a child's birthday party, a nice outing for dinner, a trip to the movies) but your mind is constantly focused elsewhere ... makes it hard to live in the moment. Add to that the constant thoughts of "damn ... why didn't we meet before we met our spouses ... we'd have been perfect for each other" etc. etc. My affair ended a few months ago, and I'm putting everything back into my M, going to IC etc., hopefully there's a way out and I'm finding myself thinking of her less and less - and I hope the same is true for her. 2
LaylaSings Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I'm a married OW. I feel like I was always disconnected from a lot of other people but even more so now since the affair.. You can't share such a main thing with anyone else! I feel like the few people I was very close to I have build a wall now, they can't see the wall, they know something's different but they have no idea what it is. I built invisible walls around myself to protect this dirty little secret and they'll have to stay there forever now and I'll continue to deny their existence.. "What do you mean? No, nothing's changed.. Nothing's up.. I'm fine." 1
LaylaSings Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 It's odd - you've got things that are meant to be great going on (a child's birthday party, a nice outing for dinner, a trip to the movies) but your mind is constantly focused elsewhere ... makes it hard to live in the moment. Add to that the constant thoughts of "damn ... why didn't we meet before we met our spouses ... we'd have been perfect for each other" etc. etc. My affair ended a few months ago, and I'm putting everything back into my M, going to IC etc., hopefully there's a way out and I'm finding myself thinking of her less and less - and I hope the same is true for her. This. Exactly. I am always waiting and wondering.. I want to enjoy each moment for what it is but I can't right now. I hope I can again someday. I feel like I'm acting out my life now. 2
Realist3 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You don't know about theirs in the same way that they don't know about yours. I have told a few and they are pretty much dumbfounded. They were initially interested in some of the details, but after that there really is not that much to discuss. 1
Author SolG Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Hi Realist :-) How did you get to the point that you could share? I seriously don't have anyone in my life I can share with. Were they really good friends before... in what way?
carhill Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 It sucks for me. How about for you? Been a long while; however, I can empathize with the ambivalence. If with a MP who chooses secrecy, then many avenues of interaction are foreclosed if one chooses to accept that. At that time of my life, my private life was private and I wasn't known for socializing in couples situations, having been single since a teenager, so it wasn't a significant impact to be seen socially solo, especially since I was seeking out single ladies at the same time anyway. However, that said, though long-finished, the lessons learned helped with transparency and disclosure later in life, so the same person who had chosen to keep me a 'secret' in the distant past was right out there in the open with my then spouse. They had the opportunity, and availed themselves of it, to interact independently, and I was commonly seen in public with either person and didn't care one bit. Life, and my experiences with women in it, had gotten me to that point. Now, all that done, I'm happy to have women out of my life and look forward to a long life without them, even incidentally. It's an 'isolation' I welcome!
XenoMouse Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I too feel the same disconnect. I felt it during the A and i feel it now afterwards its like being in this different world. Sometimes i try to let reality in and think to myself so many things are happening for me i should just let them in, let the world in so it can help heal and i can be part of it again...but for some reason im still in so much pain that i prefer to just clam up and stay inside my own pitiful wasteland. I would think that being a MOM or a MOW would be so much easier because you're spared the loneliness but it seems that that is not the case, i guess we each struggle in our own way. Being single i can say that i have many people that i can talk to but it never suffices because its not what you really want what you want is that other person so you kinda nod your head and say i know...but in the end you still wish it were different. So yes its very isolating also because the pain of letting go is inevitably your own. What we do have though is the opportunity to meet somebody new that can hopefully help wash it away. 1
MissBee Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I don't mean isolating in the sense that you have no friends or life... but isolating in the sense that there is so much you can't share! Not that I am insinuating that this is the case for all OW/M, but that I'm betting that there are a fair few like me that don't share this really important, meaningful part of their lives. It's just too.. too much... too private... too shaming. And it's not really all your secret to share. While everyone else is talking in the lunch room about what their SO does, or did on the weekend or last night... I keep mum. When they ask who I'm taking to such and such a function... I say I'm going by myself. When friends want to set me up.. I say, thanks, but no thanks, I'm all good and no need. I'm so fabulously satisfied with being single and my own company is awesome. Single friends don't understand when you're out with them and they're all out there frenetically trying to find Mr Right and wondering why you're not trying to 'catch' a date. Married friends think you're weird and are uncomfortable with you tagging along to couple functions all un-coupley alone. It's only a matter of time before they subscribe you to cat breeders anonymous so you can start working on the old crazy cat lady persona! And then here I am on a Friday night drinking wine at home alone because it's sooooo much effort going out with others and keeping up appearances. It sucks for me. How about for you? LOL @ "cat breeders anonymous" . My friends knew about my A at the time but most didn't know it was an A. We were also long distance so that explained some things to them. However, I did date and all the rest, took numbers and such so I seemed like a normal single woman. I told them our relationship was "complicated" and I was more or less single. But I can definitely relate to how the compartmentalized nature, whether it's on your part or his, and usually it's at least on one person's part, can be isolating. I think as the A went on I stopped dating as much and did want "the whole shebang" and there were aspects I wasn't privy to in his life because of the situation or where he couldn't be present in mine and it built resentment. My friend is going through that right now as well. While her friends and family know the situation with her MM, his friends and family know nothing of her and she's quite frustrated and feels isolated and just unimportant because there are huge chunks of his life she maybe hears about but hearing a MM tell you all about his kids or this and that and actually experiencing it with him aren't the same, and she's "ended" things again...but she has done so many times and goes right back so we'll see. However, what I tell her and will tell you, is that when it sucks use that as an impetus to think about what you need and want. No man is your last chance and life is as you make it.
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I have told a few and they are pretty much dumbfounded. They were initially interested in some of the details, but after that there really is not that much to discuss. I've told one old dear friend whom I thought would be non judgmental and lives a distance from me. We talk by phone every year or two but is always the same when we connect. Wish I hadn't told her. I also have made a friend from LS, a very pure-spirited and intelligent BS, ironically, and we email pretty much every day about our particular situations. She's been an amazing support and I try to be for her, too. It helps me so much to have her to vent to or share with, depending.
mrthrowaway Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I would think that being a MOM or a MOW would be so much easier because you're spared the loneliness but it seems that that is not the case, i guess we each struggle in our own way. Indeed - when you're with your SO you just want to be with your AP - it's silly, you're surrounded by people who love you and you're still so damn lonely. 1
ZMM Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Indeed - when you're with your SO you just want to be with your AP - it's silly, you're surrounded by people who love you and you're still so damn lonely. I know it's hard for both. But to me it seems, it would be easier to be alone than to be with one person when you really want to be with someone else. 1
Realist3 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I've told one old dear friend whom I thought would be non judgmental and lives a distance from me. We talk by phone every year or two but is always the same when we connect. Wish I hadn't told her. I also have made a friend from LS, a very pure-spirited and intelligent BS, ironically, and we email pretty much every day about our particular situations. She's been an amazing support and I try to be for her, too. It helps me so much to have her to vent to or share with, depending. Save for one person, I actually wish I had not told them either. It was as if I placed a burden on them which I do regret.
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Save for one person, I actually wish I had not told them either. It was as if I placed a burden on them which I do regret. Right. My friend was very "nice" about it, just matter of fact. But, I wondered afterwards if I expected something from her and of what benefit for our friendship or either of us was it to tell her. My bf has told three of his closest friends. And they have been supportive for him talking him through our R and breakup years ago. One of them has had an OW, also. Sadly, two of those men have met untimely deaths. So, guess only one of his friends knows now.
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Save for one person, I actually wish I had not told them either. It was as if I placed a burden on them which I do regret. How is it that you were glad you told that one person?
Realist3 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 How is it that you were glad you told that one person? I have told a total of five people. But it was that one person, my sister in-law, that had been in a similar situation. The other 4 had not, and while I did not receive a negative response from them, it was clear that the topic was something uncomfortable for them. I don't blame them. They now have to keep a secret they would not have had to otherwise.
Speakingofwhich Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I have told a total of five people. But it was that one person, my sister in-law, that had been in a similar situation. The other 4 had not, and while I did not receive a negative response from them, it was clear that the topic was something uncomfortable for them. I don't blame them. They now have to keep a secret they would not have had to otherwise. Is your SIL a support for you? Meaning is she someone you can talk with about it? Maybe, though, you don't feel the need to. The best support I've found is the person from LS I email with just about every day. That, and prayer.
Realist3 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Is your SIL a support for you? Meaning is she someone you can talk with about it? Maybe, though, you don't feel the need to. The best support I've found is the person from LS I email with just about every day. That, and prayer. Support? In a sense. I certainly do not speak with her about it on a regular basis. At the same time, what am I supposed to bounce off her? She understands my position. That is it. Each situation is different. I do not seek out LS for advice, but to allow people to witness an experience. Nobody has my exact situation.
SunsetRed Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 yes, these relationships are VERY isolating. When I was w xMM, we could only go to a few select bars and places. Much of the time, he had us drive in separate cars and walk in to places separately so that he could scope the place out and make sure that there wasn't anyone in there who knew him. I remember one time he called me up and offered to spend the whole day with me, and he acted like he'd offered me something really great and special, because usually we only spend a few stolen moments together. So, I said, that's great, lets go to this festival that was near by. It was a special festival that I looked forward to all year. He said "no" that he wanted to spend the day w me but that he just wanted to hang out and goof around. He said we couldn't go to the festival because there'd b cameras there as the local news filmed it. That was one of the final straws for me. Being with him was worse than being single because at least as a single person I could go to festivals and such and walk around and maybe meet some random guy. I felt like I had a chain around my neck the whole time I was with him. I was basically his on call whore, who was expected to b available to meet the needs the wife didn't meet. I actually made the marriage more bearable for him and thus, saved it. So you have hit the nail on the head with describing how isolating an affair can be. Now that Ive been rescued from that level of bondage, I will never go back.
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