Girl Isn't Congruent in Her Words and Body Language

[thelastjukeboxromeo]

Not really sure where to post this, so I'll do it both General Dis and Friends and Lovers.

 

I met this girl in a class last September in college, thought she was absolutely gorgeous, so I got her number and invited her out with me. We had great chemistry and she showed many signs of attraction (deep eye contact, dilated pupils, touching me, twirling her hair while looking at me, etc.). She admitted she had a boyfriend, but I continued to flirt with her because I figured after today I'd just move on. At one point I put my arm around her waist. She was very receptive and put her arm around my shoulder, telling me that she thought I was very "...interesting" and smooth.

 

But since she had a long distance boyfriend of 3 yrs I told her a two weeks later I thought it was apparent that we both were into each other, but I had to respect her relationship and told her to call me when she was single. She tried saying she didn't realize I was into her (BS), which she later admitted that she kind of knew. I told her I didn't think I could be just friends with her, and she started tearing up, saying that this feels like a breakup. I left that night with the intent of moving on. At this point I screwed up. For the next couple of months I still flirted with her in class, and although I was clear in the fact that I wanted her, I didn't just walk away. We hung out several times, always just the two of us, always a lot of flirting. During winter break I decided I was going to try to detox from her, so I didn't contact her at all for a couple weeks.

 

Fast forward to now. She contacted me wanting to get together for lunch. I turned her down, saying I was busy. She later said she wanted to join a club that I'm trying to join. I'm fairly certain she and her boyfriend broke up, but she never talks about that kind of stuff to me, and I haven't asked yet because I didn't want to seem like I'm chasing. I don't talk to her that much, but I do have to see her about once a week. During that time she's still giving me positive body language, but she always disqualifies herself to me, and always is playfully mean , saying I'm "disgusting" and trying to resist the frames I put on her (that she's chasing me). This is the way our flirting has always been (kind of a verbal sparring and conflict of frames), but it's gotten more prevalent since last year. Now about 70% of the time we're teasing each other and insulting each other and laughing. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy it, but sometimes her "meanness" makes me question whether she's really into me, which I thought it was very clear she is based on body language. My question is: How do I actually know my standing with this girl? Body language is generally more convincing than words, but why does she keep resisting my frames, disqualifying herself, and being playfully cruel towards me? Great chemistry is hard to find, which makes it hard for me to let this one go, especially because the girls I've been going on dates with can't measure up. How do I get this girl?

 

Thank you so much!

JC

Edited February 7, 2014 by thelastjukeboxromeo

[mukkrakker]

She contacted me...I turned her down… How do I get this girl?

 

 

Be more congruent.

[Shepp]

There's two points to this...

 

1)

We had great chemistry and she showed many signs of attraction

She was very receptive and put her arm around my shoulder, telling me that she thought I was very "...interesting" and smooth.

I told her I didn't think I could be just friends with her, and she started

tearing up, saying that this feels like a breakup.

We hung out several times, always just the two of us, always a lot of flirting.

If she did it to him, she'll do it to you!

 

I don't see any evidence of any extenuating circumstances.

 

 

2)

During that time she's still giving me positive body language, but she always disqualifies herself to me, and always is playfully mean , saying I'm "disgusting" and trying to resist the frames I put on her (that she's chasing me). This is the way our flirting has always been (kind of a verbal sparring and conflict of frames), but it's gotten more prevalent since last year. Now about 70% of the time we're teasing each other and insulting each other and laughing. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy it, but sometimes her "meanness" makes me question whether she's really into me, which I thought it was very clear she is based on body language

Separate meanness and banter. Banters good. Meanness isn't. Taking the mick out of you is banter. Saying your disgusting is cutting.

 

My girlfriend calls me a dork whenever I get excited about something - she probably teases me more than she says something nice, but to other people shes always incredibly complimentary about me, and I know she'd hit the roof if anyone else said anything against my name - this matters.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, if you want the girl - ask the girl out!

[thelastjukeboxromeo]

Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate it. I know the old adage "she did it to him, she'll do it to me," but I don't really care at this point. I know what I'm getting into and I accept the risks involved.

 

When I say "mean" I mean she challenges me, disagrees with me, and tries to poke fun at anything I say. She doesn't do this to anybody else, and it probably started because I teased her a lot in the beginning. I get that banter is good, and I'm a huge fan of it, but what I don't understand is the volume of the banter.

 

Usually I've noticed girls will banter with you, tease you, and as time goes on they will kind of just give in and the interaction will escalate, either physically or emotionally. However, in my case the banter and teasing never stops. We'll have periods where we talk about serious things like our beliefs and thoughts but then we'll go straight back into banter. The interaction never escalates to the point where she emotionally lets down her guard (and stops challenging me).

 

For example, we were talking about the movie "Gravity" and I told her that she could use me as motivation for getting back to Earth if she was in that situation. She smiled and replied that she'd rather die. She was teasing of course. Or when I said that she should come to my IM football game and be my fangirl she said she'd root for the other team. Another example is that whenever I joke about us being in a relationship, she'll always say something along the lines of "that's disgusting." She'll also sometimes pretend to be my girlfriend and fake fight with me, and since I play along it'll always end up in a mock break up.

 

As I mentioned before, I do enjoy this, and the fact that she's feisty and fun is part of the reason I'm attracted to her. But why does her demeanor never soften even though she gives off all the body language signs that she is into me?

Edited February 7, 2014 by thelastjukeboxromeo