Pastel Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I dated a guy at work. I know it wasn't a good idea but I did it anyway. He turned out to be a huge jerk. It ended badly. I didn't know how to handle interacting at work so at first I was horribly mean to him, and then I stopped talking to him altogether unless we had to talk about work. He never bothered to contact me ever again. I continued to give him the cold shoulder. All of a sudden he's acting like he wants to get his life together and has been doing things I suggested he do when we were dating. It hurts. I feel worthless because I don't understand why he couldn't improve himself when we were dating. Then he announced to everyone at work, with me in the room, that he had a date. I got shaky and didn't know how to respond, so I acted like it didn't bother me but I think everyone could tell it was a lie. Now I constantly hear snippets about him and this new girl, and it's honestly tearing me up. I started treating him normally. I'm working on having meaningless conversations with him, but I get nervous and I'm pretty sure everyone can tell. And I know I should get over it and there are plenty more fish in the sea, but it feels like my body just won't LET ME get over it. It's like a battle between my brain and my heart, and my brain is losing. Anyone ever in this situation? I'm almost in tears. Not because of him, but because I'm so tired of these shackles! I just want to let go and be okay. Any advice will do.
TheyCallMeOx Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Everything happens exactly like it's supposed to happen. I'll repeat that again: everything happens exactly like it's supposed to happen. My friend was interested in dating a woman several years ago and didn't pursue her. He's regretted it ever since, and he's tried looking for her on Facebook and all over the internet to see if he could get that opportunity. He's obsessed about missing that window of opportunity to pursue her, and I told him that "everything happens exactly how it's supposed to happen." At the time, he wasn't as confident as he is now. He didn't pursue her because he didn't have the confidence or know how to pursue a woman. He missed his opportunity because he was supposed to miss that opportunity. Missing that opportunity opened up an opportunity to learn about life. How can we learn to get over regret when we never regret something? Everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. In the beginning, the dude was a jerk. You both made bad decisions; it happened exactly how it was supposed to happen because, again, it opened up an opportunity for the both of you. After the ending of the relationship, he may have realized that you were right. Maybe there's something wrong with him; maybe it took the interaction you and him had together for him to realize that he needed to work some things out in his life. Sometimes, the only way we can learn the truth about ourselves is through traumatic experiences. As a result, it was an opportunity for him to grow as a human being. The relationship ended because it was supposed to end. It was also an opportunity for you to grow as well because you now are beginning to realize that circumstances can always change. One of the biggest things I have come to believe is to never doubt someone's potential. How did I learn that? There was a girl I knew back in middle school who wanted to date me. She wasn't attractive: she had acne, and was a bit on the chubby side. I thought I looked better than she did. One day several years ago, I found her on Facebook; one of the most beautiful blond women I've ever seen. She was a Christian, and I wanted to do some very sinful things to her. Should I feel bad for passing up the opportunity to date that girl? No. I didn't pursue her because I wasn't supposed to. Everything happens the way it's supposed to. If I had pursued her, the question is...would she be as attractive as she is now? Just because something like that happens doesn't mean I now set physical attraction aside. Physical attraction still matters, but I don't look at an obese woman and think negative things. I know now that if an obese woman were to lose a certain amount of weight, she could look incredible. Losing 100 pounds can really change a person; even 50 pounds can change a person. After I learned how attractive she became, I became more realistic with people. I can't really look down on people because the people we look down on could end up being our bosses, or giving us that opportunity for a career. You really don't want to be interviewed by the person you used to make fun of because you thought that they were "weird" and that nobody liked him. Never doubt the potential in people because things can always change. Now that you are beginning to understand that, you are becoming less ignorant. We always have things to learn about life, and that was just one of them. If the dude has indeed changed, that was your moment of realization that you can't really be a jerk to jerks. At the time, the dude was a jerk; I'm not going to say that he was justified in being a jerk, but it's not a good idea to fight fire with fire. In a sense, you helped each other out. You both learned a valuable lesson, and that's what we call "experience." We go through new experiences everyday: some good and some bad. Things happen exactly the way they are supposed to happen. Now that he may getting his act together, who knows what's next in his life? If you've shown him a new path of life and he turns out being a successful businessman, you'd have yourself to thank for that because you showed him pain, and he used that pain and turned it into motivation. You both lost, but you both mutually gained something in return. That's how life experience goes. Don't blame yourself for the things you did or said; at the time, you did what you felt was right, and that's all there is to it. Is it unfortunate that things happened the way they did? Sure. We often have unfortunate experiences, but it's often the unfortunate experiences that give us the most valuable lessons in life. Don't regret them; embrace them. If you feel you need to apologize to the dude, apologize. "Look, I'm sorry for the way things happened." Forgive and forget. Move on. If he accepts the apology, great. If he ends up getting into a relationship with you and you end up popping out a few kids down the road, that's fantastic. However, if things don't work out between you and him, well...you gained valuable life experience. That's better than nothing. 3
Ronni_W Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I feel worthless because I don't understand why he couldn't improve himself when we were dating. Because at that time he didn't think he had the personal strength, determination, will power to change...or he felt he didn't have anything to improve. It has absolutely nothing to do with your worth, value and what you deserve. Making it about you and tying your worthiness to other people's decisions about their own growth and if, when, what, how they decide to do their life, is self-destructive and also can come across as self-centered, narcissistic. As the prior poster said, you can take it as your own opportunity for improvement...for example, learning how to maintain high self-worth and self-confidence from within yourself and regardless of what other people are determining, choosing for their own life experiences. Best of luck. 1
Author Pastel Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Thanks Ox, I realize I could have handled the situation a little better but I'm trying my best not to dwell on it. And trust me I don't want to dwell on it anymore. I don't think I'll be apologizing. I could talk to him until I'm blue in the face, and he'd just sit there with his arms crossed and then he'd request to leave work early. I'm just going to let things be. Ronni, I do have pretty low self-esteem. I'd love to work on that.
Leegh Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 It sounds as if there is a misunderstanding between the two of you. It sounds as if things did not end in a clear way, and probably both of you are confused. Perhaps you could send him an email explaining how you feel, and then leave the ball in his court.
RDawg Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Leegh... huh? What misunderstanding? Pastel says the guy is a jerk. And he's dating someone new. What good would an email do? Pastel, the only thing you can do is focus on yourself. Try some self improvement to raise your self esteem. Maybe some casual dating? These current feelings will blow over eventually.
Author Pastel Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Leegh, the relationship ended vaguely. There was a lack of communication, but I tried to mend that when I talked to him. I guess I came off as confrontational. He didn't want to talk about it, but I pushed him and it ended in this blowout. He left work early. So yeahhh. I already tried. He didn't want to talk or be frank with me. He didn't even wish me well. Rdawg, I have gotten back into dating a little bit. I've tried going to bars. Maybe they can sense my aura of sadness, because I don't get approached anymore. I've also tried online dating with no success.
RDawg Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 If anything you should be getting hit on more: sad = vulnerable = easy target!
Author Pastel Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 (edited) So I have an update: He's been pretty quiet about the new girl of his. I heard little bits about it and he would try to play her off in my presence. I mentioned a new guy I was dating. When I came back to work all of a sudden this girl was his new girlfriend and he was showing everyone in the office pictures of her on Facebook. He kept going on about her the whole night, and announced he was leaving early because he was going to spend the night with her. He was pretty obnoxious about the whole thing. I showed no signs that any of what he was saying bothered me even though I was upset about it at first. My co-worker asked me what happened between the two of us and that he's been acting funny. How am I supposed to move on when he's shoving this girl in everyone's faces? I guess I shouldn't have **** where I eat. Let this be a lesson for not only myself, but for other people as well. I guess the only good thing about his behavior is that now I know for sure I wouldn't want to be with a guy like that. Edited February 14, 2014 by Pastel
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