boat jockey Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Hi. i have been seeing this woman--35 years old---for about 6 months. We basically get along fine, even though she sometimes appears to be on the selfish side at times. I have a rather unique job, in which i deliver, repo, or run a lot of boats and yachts throughout the country and the carribean. The jobs are usually short term deals, most not lasting over a week unless something unexpected happens. She has a factory job, which she sincerely hates, but has had it for 13 years now. So now i get this opportunity to cruise the Bahamas in a $2 mil. yacht with a couple from Arizona---We are planning a voyage of 1000 miles thru-out the entire Bahama chain, and, because time is not of the essence for them, neither can it be for me. Our trip is to be at least 2.5 months, conservatively. The problem is, my GF has had an anurism over this, with me being away so long. She really cannot meet me some where down there, mainly because we will be in many out islands and basically away from the world. We can only be contacted by radio in an emergency, and airports are sparse. Plus, this is a JOB, for which i am getting paid, and these owners cant be expected to wait on either mine or her schedule. It seems to me that she is upset because of the job itself, not the time at being apart. If I were going to Iraq, I don't think she would be so upset----but because I am going on a trip that might be a life long dream for many, she seems jealous and upset because I am going and she cant. Sometimes working on these yachts is not all its cracked up to be, and 2 months on any size vessel with anyone can be an odessy in itself. Sometimes i feel like I have to be apologetic towards her, because she has to "go into the mines" to work, and i run around either driving or "stealing" these rich boy toys. I figured she would have been happy for me to get this opportunity. Does this sound like unwarranted jealousy on her part?? By the way she was talking, i don't believe there will be a future for us, and i might end it before i leave. I really don't like this side of her, where she seems angry and jealous that someone she supposedly cares deeply about gets a better opportunity than she does. Do any of you believe she is being unreasonable, or should i just forget this job and try to find other, shorter trips?? She reminds me that i have been to the islands before, but not to this extent. thanks for any opinions.
zara Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 It does sound as though she is jealous of what many would percieve to be a 'dream' trip. From your post it sounds as though you have tried to explain that this is not 'a dream trip' but work. Period. It means something quite different to you. If she is unable to grasp this then it is a pretty fundamental difference in your values. This is your job, it's what you do for a living and if she cannot understand it and support you then you are right to question whether your relationship has a future. I experienced a similar situation over a trip to the Carribean, where my ex BF insisted on coming, even though he was ill, becasue he viewed it as a dream holiday whereas it meant something quite different to me. His lack of understanding went deeper than just that and we split upon our return because if someone cannot see past their own values and ideals to try to understand their partner to the extent of being obviously jealous and self centred then those two people are never going to be able to have a trusting and supportive relationship.
SoleMate Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 It is important for her to be supportive of you in your work. It is also important for you to be sensitive to her fears of separation and loneliness. Rather than harden this into "She's selfish", I think it would be better for you both to talk really honestly. You're making a lot of assumptions about her feelings and motivations. Ask her what her real concerns are about this trip, and LISTEN. Don't argue and interrupt. It may be pure jealousy, or it may be an emotion that you might be a bit more sympathetic towards. When you're single and childless, you can make decisions like this unilaterally. You have only yourself and your feelings to consider. When you're dating casually, you probably also will put yourself first. It is only when you start considering a longterm, committed, exclusive relationship that it is reasonable for you to accommodate each other in important matters. What is the nature of your relationship and commitment? If it is "Let's be together as long as it feels good to both of us", then I would say, GO. You obviously are excited about this chance, and no doubt it will be lucrative. But if you are trying to build a serious, lasting relationship, it is foolhardy to ignore her wishes. That sets up a pattern of each of you considering primarily yourselves, when a committed couple should brainstorm and come up with a win-win solution. Please see the book Buyers, Renters, or Freeloaders http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.html for more explanation of this. BTW - I'm not at all jealous of your line of work. I think of sunburn, seasickness, mosquitoes, confinement to a boat, and the possibility of kooky people in close quarters for extended periods. Good luck however you decide.
magda Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Well, you didn't really mention anything that she said about it so I can't really say.
alphamale Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 Originally posted by boat jockey Do any of you believe she is being unreasonable, or should i just forget this job and try to find other, shorter trips?? She reminds me that i have been to the islands before, but not to this extent. thanks for any opinions. Hey man, do whatever you want. This is your JOB. If she cares about you enuf then she'll stick around, if she does not then she won't stick around. Either way, everyone has to eat and earn a living and that should be your first priority. Anyways, there are plenty of fish in the sea, esp for a boat repo-man.
Teag Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 I would definaltly talk to her about why this bothers her so much. Its your job but I can understand why it would bother her. The fact that you'll be completely out of contact with her for 2 1/2 months. That would drive me Nuts. I would be upset too. I worry alot & like to know where my husband is or at least be able to talk to him. I wouldn't be able to go a full day w/out talking to him much less 2 1/2 months. I would be imagining all kinds of horrible things.
Moose Posted January 17, 2005 Posted January 17, 2005 AHHHH HAAAA!!! So you're the one who mistook my Carver 57 voyager for some lame a$$ who couldn't make his payments.......when will I get her back??? Just joking. Hey....it's your job, you had it before you met her, I'm assuming, and she's had her job for 13 years. I don't see any reason why you should make a change just to appease her. Consider buying a satellite phone. (If the particular yacht you're going to be on isn't already equipped with one), That's what we use when we're in BFE. It's expensive, but nice to have.
boat jockey Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 well, i'm on a 57 viking sportfish, on a delivery, here on the wifi at beautiful downtown Coinjock, NC. You havent been anywhere if you haven't been to Coinjock, and they really do have the best prime rib here that you will ever eat. I got really PO'ed at my now ex gf so i guess that problem is solved. Our relationship was more than casual, or becoming more (i thought.) But when i tried to talk to her about what the real problem was, and really tried to listen, all i heard was the whining of a 4 year old, about all of her trials and trevails, how she couldn't just take off and run to the islands for a couple months, she had obligations, etc. I asked her what she wanted me to do, and she would never answer, and ended up saying she didn't care. So I told her she just needs more of a home body than me, and I would gladly give her the chance to find someone else to make miserable. This has been coming for a while on my part, and its for the better. Maybe she can find someone more suitable. I settled a lawsuit concerning a tug accident i had several years ago, so i dont have house payments, or any other payments, and can drop everything and go on a moments notice. (like this delivery that just came up). Hell, i have spent my spare time working on this woman's house, and spending my own money on it---i'm sure i will get some of that back now!!!ha I should have put it in my 401k. Anyway, she has a hatred of her life and her job, etc. and i think she was looking for someone to take her out of it, instead of making any effort herself. I understand that she may be imprisoned to her job due to her circumstances, and i tried to help her all i could by working on her place, her car, cleaning her place, cooking dinner for her when i could when she got home from work, took her out regularly, all that crap right out of the frigging OPRAH magazine. But I always seemed to feel guilty around her for some reason for what i do----I always felt that she thinks everyone has it so much easier than she does. I guess my patience is at the end over this, and to be completely honest, i feel a sense of relief, even though i feel sorry for her. Hearing someone complain all the time just gets old after awhile. I felt sometimes like it was up to me to make her happy, and thats just too much burden to place on someone. But its supposed to be better in the bahamas--so Ill find out in a few weeks. and soulmate, you are right about a boat being very confining. you can feel imprisoned by endless water, or you can experience the true freedom of being away from everything and having to be totally self reliant. Some look at water and see a desert, but i have always seen freedom, adventure , and challenge. I guess the difference between adventure and ordeal is attitude. I do hope these people on this boat are ok, and they seem very nice, but you never know. I am pretty sure they need me more than i need them, so i think i will be treated ok!! But you always have the dingy to get away from them and fish if need be.
Moose Posted January 18, 2005 Posted January 18, 2005 Nice vessel, (state room is tiny though). Have you considered finding a gal that'll team up with you? There's usually more than enough room even if you have to sleep in the salon.
SoleMate Posted January 19, 2005 Posted January 19, 2005 But when i tried to talk to her about what the real problem was, and really tried to listen, all i heard was the whining of a 4 year old...I asked her what she wanted me to do...she would never answer... OK, you made the right decision. You can't have a "real" relationship with someone who can't discuss this kind of thing effectively. I am sorry for her that her life is so hard, and that she couldn't keep you in it. However, she is the "captain" of her life. No, she won't pay you back for the repairs you did. It was kind of you to help her like that, but to be honest, I would advise against doing that next time unless you are in a truly committed r/s, i.e. engaged. I'm a strict believer in single people keeping their balance sheets separate. Otherwise, things just get weird.
boat jockey Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Thanks for posting guys. moose, this boat has a full master stateroom in the bow with a private head with tub/shower. It has 2 other staterooms with heads, and a huge salon. I am on the wifi in golden isles--Brunswick Ga. now. Getting warmer with every mile. The girl to go along is ok, but for business reasons, unless you bill yourself as a husband/wife team, many owners are reluctant to hire a guy and his GF. I have heard of nightmares where some dock jockey was hired for a delivery, takes his GF, eats meals at fancy restaurants, orders surf and turf, liquor drinks, and then racks the boat up on some shoal somewhere costing 10's of thousands in damage. That would be a nice compromise if i could find someone with the time, but it may hurt business on perception issues. Nothing travels faster than the dock talk in the boating business. REPO'ing doesnt matter, just as long as you steal it and drag it back in 1 piece!! Can be a little dangerous in some places, but most are not on the larger boats. just make sure you dont die from lack of shooting back, if you know what i mean. I dont know where you would find a woman who would be up for that, short of a biker bar in myrtle beach. And yes, i have learned my lesson about spending the money. I am just that type of person, where i try to help someone when i can. I was trying to give her a hand up, but i could feel it turning into a hand out, so i was cutting back anyway. I guess no good deed goes unpunished, and its true that with some people, you give an inch and they take a mile. (talk about cliches!!). I am going to dump this rig off in a few days, and its back to get a 58 Krogen to take from norfolk to stuart. NOW that's a regular little ship, Moose, even though it only does 8 kts. It will get over 1.5 miles/gal., while this sportfish is getting about 4gals/miles at 26 knots. Complete opposites, but its back to which you like the best---the tortoise or the hare. Speed Vs. fuel. thanks again. later
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