Would you end something based on instict?

[RonaldS]

I am sorry you went through such a hard time. There must have been hints of what your ex W was like when you dated?

 

In many ways I AM aware how complex marriage/kids deal is. That's why I don't think I am personally suited to it.

 

1st of all, I didn't mean to sound like I was attacking you.

 

Anyway, yeah....there wereany warning signs when we dated, but I was young and dumb, and sometimes you can't want something enough to willfully 'overlook' things (I used quotations because we end up not really overlooking those things, but rather storing them away and building resentment). Looking back, obviously, the picture is much clearer.

 

In a way, I wish I had the awareness at the time that you have. Could have saved myself a boatload of trouble. That being said, I love my kids more than anything in the world.

[Leigh 87]

If you can decipher that what you are feeling is in fact a gut feeling and not just, as Emilia said, filling in the unknown w/ negatives then I def agree with listening to your gut. I've definitely cut things off early on when I got a vibe I didn't like. Maybe sometimes it was premature and I missed out but I'm not bothered by that.

 

 

 

That's the key thing here; it's premature. You're not really hurting all that much, since you only just met the person and cut things off early, before you become too attached.

 

I should have cut things off with that guy when I got a gut feeling that he was lying about his mum being in hospital.

 

I didn't because I had any "hard evidence". I just "knew" though.

 

Instead of cutting it off, I spent another 3 dates together, being intimate and getting more attached; before he promptly disappeared after promising not to leave me after sex (and he did just that).

 

I wish I had listened to my gut earlier on so that I didn't get as attached.

 

 

Or with my ex ex Andrew, I wish I had listened to my gut and left him after a year or so. But I was already in love with him and couldn't just "leave" unless he did something drastically, awfully wrong.

Edited February 8, 2014 by Leigh 87

[MissBee]

I truly understand people's fascination with "gut" feelings, "instincts", etc. but I just don't wholly buy it. Everyone of you (or most) have been in NUMEROUS failed relationships. As you look back, are you asking yourself why didn't I listen to my gut back then? Or were you bamboozled and your "instinct/gut" meter was fooled once again? Or did it ever exist?

 

I am a person that looks at evidence and places less emphasis on "feelings." I look at the evidence and determine whether a relationship is going well or not. Everyone has feelings of insecurity, uncertainty and doubt somewhere and sometime during a relationship and OFTEN TIMES they are irrational and unfounded. Is that my "instinct" or "gut" telling me something?

 

I am pretty certain that there are people who have lost some decent human beings b/c they listened to their "gut" instead of being objective (more). Maybe it's me, but I don't recall being so emotional when making decisions in my dating/relationship life and I don't believe I've ever been fooled. At least not that I can tell.

 

It's easy to say my instincts or gut is always right, but "I didn't listen to it" (some people actually believe this) when you're looking BACK, after the fact.

 

 

Gut feelings although called feelings are more than just feelings, the mechanism by which they work also includes our ability to use reason and experience to know when something is off, except it's a short cut to it instead of laboriously weighing it. Gut feelings are not about emotions...feelings are not just relegated to the realm of emotion and emotions themselves are not these random irrational things all the time but also have useful purposes.

 

I think MOST people see red flags and ignore them and delude themselves then when it doesn't work kick themselves for it. That's happened to me many times and it wasn't merely looking back, I felt it in the moment but preferred to carry on as though I was ignorant, which feels very different from truly being shocked and bowled over because I was unsuspecting. You feel A LOT worse when it was something you suspected/knew going in than when you didn't ever fathom it. That feeling isn't an "emotion", maybe feeling is a misnomer and obscures the fact that you arrive at this feeling through mental shortcuts that come about from experience.

 

I did a women's self defense course taught by the police department of my school and one of the things they talked about was gut instinct and intuition and outside of the actual physical self defense stuff and safety tips they explained that our gut feelings is one of our most powerful defenses when we pay attention. Theyw ere explaining that how as cops when something feels wrong to them it's wrong and they have to have that high alert to follow through and act quickly, it's not just some airy fairy feeling, but is as a result of their training and experience that they "feel" when things are off. They were explaining different scenarios and saying that if we feel unsafe or awkward with someone, or in a certain neighborhood or a cab etc...don't try to rationalize it away as the gut instinct is not this random irrational thing but actually us picking up information from the environment that sends warnings off in our brain that something is awry, even if we cannot quite explain the details.

Edited February 8, 2014 by MissBee

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks. When you're truly into, in love with someone there's really nothing left but to feel proud, happy, be complimentary of that person. Fiancee? No, not yet.

 

 

 

 

No, she has no idea that I am on this forum.

 

Aw. I don't mean to sound lame but I wish one day some guy would say those things about me

[Eternal Sunshine]

 

If I could erase my morals/feelings/consciousness/self-awareness/wasn't accountable or held responsible to myself then I'd be fine! just like the rest of em! painting the town red.

 

I damn the entity/chance/miracle that created me every day for that

 

Being special is such a heavy burden to bear

[manticore]

instict is the more basic way of self preservation, and is not just about danger but even in matters as infidelity, there are studies that show that if you have the gut feeling that your partner is cheating on you most likely she/he is, the problem is that many times we supress our insticts and give preference to logic and deluded confidence

[Mrlonelyone]

Actually I think your circumstances do excuse what you did. Cause & effect switched around. You lived up to her expectations (actually not quite as it was emotional only). In a STR the smart thing to do for peace of mind is to walk out the door. LTRs with kids and mortgages & years of emotional investment & possible financial rape does not make it as easy to do as some people think to just up & walk...for many anyway

 

ES - Your reply #16 is the way you should go.

 

I say the below in all caps not to yell... but to emphasize

 

LTR's ARE NOT, NEVER EVER WILL BE, and CAN NEVER BE COMPARED TO MARRAIGE.

 

Marriage is a sacred bond, even if done in court, where one person promises to be there no matter what for the rest of eachothers natural lives. The power of the state, of every state on the planet, will enforce that promise.

 

An LTR can be as little as hanging out and hooking up for more than six months and one can just walk away from that.

 

If someone wants to feel as grown up as those who have gotten married, then find a good woman you really love and put a ring on it.

 

This has been your PSA for the day.

 

 

__________________________________________________

 

OP: In the words of Ronald Reagan "Trust but verify". Trust your gut, but don't act unless you have a real reason to. Trust your man, until he gives you a real reason not to. If you never trust you may loose out on a perfectly good man.

 

In fact your gut may not be trusting of him because you think he may be one you want to keep around for a long time. Thus making you nervous.

[regine_phalange]

The way you describe it, absolutely yes. Why stay with someone I feel uncomfortable around?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I say the below in all caps not to yell... but to emphasize

 

LTR's ARE NOT, NEVER EVER WILL BE, and CAN NEVER BE COMPARED TO MARRAIGE.

 

Marriage is a sacred bond, even if done in court, where one person promises to be there no matter what for the rest of eachothers natural lives. The power of the state, of every state on the planet, will enforce that promise.

 

An LTR can be as little as hanging out and hooking up for more than six months and one can just walk away from that.

 

If someone wants to feel as grown up as those who have gotten married, then find a good woman you really love and put a ring on it.

 

This has been your PSA for the day.

 

 

Yikes!

[soccerrprp]

instict is the more basic way of self preservation, and is not just about danger but even in matters as infidelity, there are studies that show that if you have the gut feeling that your partner is cheating on you most likely she/he is, the problem is that many times we supress our insticts and give preference to logic and deluded confidence

 

I argue that this so-called instinct must be accompanied by some evidence. You notice his behavior has changed, he's coming home later at night, he doesn't touch me as much, etc. Evidence. Reasoning. Logic.

 

There's nothing MORE dangerous than coming to conclusions based on nothing more than suspicions or worse, baseless feelings.

 

The problem is we suppress the evidence, ignore them. In fact, I believe we get that bad feeling ESPECIALLY after seeing the evidence. But in the absence of said evidence, it's nothing more than insecurity, a potential recipe for self-sabotage.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yikes!

 

 

It's true though....Marriage is something to be weary of. I just got done watching a series about Henry VIII and his wives. People would go to war with a king and kingdom over divorce. In some ways they still do. Look at all the problems caused by Prince Charles divorcing Dianna. Look at the lives of our now divorced friends.

 

While Henry could just dump a mistress no fuss no muss.

 

Marriage =/= LTR

 

To the main topic:

 

Have you considered checking his background through one of those websites that do such things? You know finding out if he has a criminal record, if he really went to school where he says he did etc ? If he's lied about those things the he'll certainly lie and cheat about other things. If not with another woman, then in your joint finances.

[carhill]

IMO, instinct in that instance would be a feeling of 'something's up' and *then* the person starts behaviors which portend to that instinct having traction. I think of it as a 'glitch in the matrix' when there is no exigent reason to be thinking or feeling about any one particular incident/person/interaction.

 

Science is still researching into how people 'sense' things, as there is still a lot about our senses (the five big ones) and our brains which is unknown.

 

I would say, personally, the largest errors I made, when a younger person, were due to *choosing* to ignore those instincts and give people the benefit of the doubt, since in fact I had nothing other than instinct/sense to go on. Over time, though, and comparing instincts to results, I gradually came to give less benefit of the doubt and act on those instincts more decisively.

 

Relevant to the topic, I noted this change markedly when dating after splitting up with my exW. I got a sense that the women weren't sincerely interested or had their doubts; however, I continued on for a few more dates to validate that and let the aura of that wash over me before ceasing contact. Nice ladies but I sensed authentic interest sufficient to grow a dating relationship wasn't there so accepted that, even though I felt positive about them, and let it go. Felt really good to do that. No complaints from them either. It all worked out.

[Divasu]

It's not a single flash but a persistent feeling that something is "off" and you have a vague feeling of untrustworthiness. The person is denying it so direct communication is out. Snooping is also out because that's not the road you want to take and you also CBF gathering evidence.

 

Curious of your thoughts on this.

 

Yes, and have so. Put it this way, whether or not you're correct in your assessment, would you want to continue having constant thoughts of uncertainty and uneasiness?

 

I'm not suggesting you run off when doubts surface but rather address them with the person first. If something is still off and just not jiving, there's a reason for it.

 

Either you are in fact correct, or it's due to your own "funk", and neither are good...

[Brown-Eyez]

Its funny, I have been put into situations that on the surface seem really shady..

But I've trusted my 'instincts' 'gut feelings' whatev

and things have turned out ok

 

the reason I say its funny

cuz on the surface (as they say, 'on paper') it looks like something I should not do or get involved in

and yet I have to take into account

the person, the way they act, how they've been with me, etc

 

the only problem is sometimes I'll be impulsive and jump into something that is somewhat shady

merely thinking that things have worked out ok for me in the past so it probably will this time too (without having anything else to go on!)

that's not so good

 

just thought I'd add this perspective into the thread