noname238096 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Ok, so I have got close to this girl, and we have both admitted that we have feelings for each other, but she says she doesn't want to commit. I have no problem with this as I know she has an awkward past with relationships. She saying she doesn't want to commit because she is scared that she is going to hurt me. I'm not trying to force her into the relationship, I keep telling her to take her time and think about it because she keeps bringing it up. I'm just looking for a way to help her, if that's possible. Any advice would be great.
melell Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 She saying she doesn't want to commit because she is scared that she is going to hurt me.. She is saying this? I hate to say it but most people are not that concerned with the feelings of another person. How does she foresee this possible hurt? Cheating, lying, breaking up? All things she has control over. I would only say that to a person if I was trying to put a particular image of myself across-like I was slightly depressed, aloof, detached. People are surprisingly receptive to that approach. Or, I would say it if I was not into that person, and did not want commitment, for whatever reason. It is very similar to the 'it's not you, it's me' type of line.
Author noname238096 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 She has cheated in the past and she is scared that should would do the same to me and hurt me. She cheated ages ago though, I'm convinced she's changed, but she is still unsure.
BradJacobs Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Any advice would be great. Too much drama. My advice would be to walk. She's given herself the perfect out and you will have no one to blame but yourself if she does cheat on you because you failed to listen.
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 You can't "help" her. All you can do is continue to show by your actions that you are worthy of her trust. After you act like you are both in a committed relationship for a while & she has seen for herself that you are reliable, you can revisit the conversation where you figure out what you are calling your relationship. Don't push her at this point over a vocabulary label.
Ronni_W Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I'm just looking for a way to help her, She hasn't said that she needs help and she hasn't asked for help and there is nothing with which you can help. As a mind experiment: If you guys got together and she did end up cheating on you...how would you react to that? It is disrespectful to ignore what she is telling you about herself and her fears. That is saying to her and, or pretending to yourself that you know her deepest stuff better than she does. What would be wiser to do is to acknowledge her fear and discuss how things might go down if her fear was realized. I know YOU think it's not going to happen, but that isn't going to help with anything. If you think you can handle her cheating on you -- no matter how small the chance of that happening -- then tell her that you think you can handle it and you are in any case willing to risk it because of how you feel about her right now. But at the same time, you are not going to judge her on her past and you are going to completely trust her until she proves herself untrustworthy. THAT is what she wants to hear from you...a conversation like this.
almond Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 If a potential partner advises you that they do not want to enter a relationship with you because they feel that there is a good chance that they will cheat, it's a good idea to thank them for their honesty and move on quickly. You cannot "help" or save this girl - only she can do that. She has cheated in the past and still feels that she is unable to have a relationship due to her tendency to be unfaithful, and she has not done anything to correct this. She needs to sort this out for herself. Be thankful that you were not dragged down or damaged by her emotional issues, wish her the best, and let her go.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 She has cheated in the past and she is scared that should would do the same to me and hurt me. She cheated ages ago though, I'm convinced she's changed, but she is still unsure. She just gave you a warning shot across your bow. She cheats and probably can't or wont stop. Don't try to be the hero on the white horse riding in to save the damsel in distress tied to the railroad track because you'll be run over by the train that's a comin' down the tracks.
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