confused815 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 This gets complicated so I apologize I have known the man I am with for over 2 years. We started as friends, and became extremely close. About four months ago (soon after my divorce) we began seriously dating. We were in love before that, but had never acted on it. Things went quickly; we stayed together almost every single night, and after a couple months all of his things were at my place. Everything was great. Around Christmas, he began to spend more time at his Ex's. I know - HUGE red flag. But her and I are friendly, and she despises him. His children live there and he was not ready to introduce them to me yet (he didnt know how to have the conversation with them), so he would go visit them at her place. He pays all the bills there, and is trying to get her to move out but with no luck. Eventually he began to tell me he needed space to figure out his life - he is working 90+ hours a week (we work together, so i know this is true), he has to figure out how to introduce his kids to me and this new relationship, he recently lost his mom, his dad is very ill and they have a poor relationship, and he has some serious financial issues. As a result, he began coming around less and less, and has been sleeping at the place where his ex lives - when i ask, he states he sleeps in the room with the kids and wants nothing to do with her (as she is still texting me asking me to get him out, I am not worried) Throughout this whole time, he still insists he loves me, and is with me. And he has stated numerous times he is worried I will wake up one day and think he isn't worth it and leave. I have assured him as long as he is in this with me, i am in it with him and i love him. The last two weeks have been very, very rough. I've seen him (outside of work) only three or four times, and he is very depressed. He rarely responds to calls and texts. The most recent text i got was that i am everything he wishes the mother of his children could be, but his current situation and needing space doesnt have to do with deciding whether or not to be with me, it has to do with getting his life in order and figuring out the problems listed above. He states he doesnt want to talk about anything becuase he doesnt have any answers for me, and he doesnt know when he will be able to talk. I am having a hard time. I dont know how to give him space, and I really dont know how to do that when i know he is livig with his ex. ALthough they clearly hate each other now...that could easily change, especialy living together and with distance from me. ON the flip side, all his things are still here - he has maybe 5 outfits over there. He has half the closet, half the dresser, a bunch of electronics/video games. And although he is distant - I can still tell he loves me. I keep hoping he will figure this out and come back to me - but I don't know anymore. Am I insane for waiting for this man? I love him more than i could ever express, and when we were together we were so extraordinarily happy. If there is a chance, what should i do? SHould i ignore him and hope he comes back, or should i try to keep it light and friendly and not talk about the heavy stuff? I am so lost, and so hearbroken, and i dont know what to do anymore.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 This gets complicated so I apologize I have known the man I am with for over 2 years. We started as friends, and became extremely close. About four months ago (soon after my divorce) we began seriously dating. We were in love before that, but had never acted on it. Things went quickly; we stayed together almost every single night, and after a couple months all of his things were at my place. Everything was great. Around Christmas, he began to spend more time at his Ex's. I know - HUGE red flag. But her and I are friendly, and she despises him. His children live there and he was not ready to introduce them to me yet (he didnt know how to have the conversation with them), so he would go visit them at her place. He pays all the bills there, and is trying to get her to move out but with no luck. Eventually he began to tell me he needed space to figure out his life - he is working 90+ hours a week (we work together, so i know this is true), he has to figure out how to introduce his kids to me and this new relationship, he recently lost his mom, his dad is very ill and they have a poor relationship, and he has some serious financial issues. As a result, he began coming around less and less, and has been sleeping at the place where his ex lives - when i ask, he states he sleeps in the room with the kids and wants nothing to do with her (as she is still texting me asking me to get him out, I am not worried) Throughout this whole time, he still insists he loves me, and is with me. And he has stated numerous times he is worried I will wake up one day and think he isn't worth it and leave. I have assured him as long as he is in this with me, i am in it with him and i love him. The last two weeks have been very, very rough. I've seen him (outside of work) only three or four times, and he is very depressed. He rarely responds to calls and texts. The most recent text i got was that i am everything he wishes the mother of his children could be, but his current situation and needing space doesnt have to do with deciding whether or not to be with me, it has to do with getting his life in order and figuring out the problems listed above. He states he doesnt want to talk about anything becuase he doesnt have any answers for me, and he doesnt know when he will be able to talk. I am having a hard time. I dont know how to give him space, and I really dont know how to do that when i know he is livig with his ex. ALthough they clearly hate each other now...that could easily change, especialy living together and with distance from me. ON the flip side, all his things are still here - he has maybe 5 outfits over there. He has half the closet, half the dresser, a bunch of electronics/video games. And although he is distant - I can still tell he loves me. I keep hoping he will figure this out and come back to me - but I don't know anymore. Am I insane for waiting for this man? I love him more than i could ever express, and when we were together we were so extraordinarily happy. If there is a chance, what should i do? SHould i ignore him and hope he comes back, or should i try to keep it light and friendly and not talk about the heavy stuff? I am so lost, and so hearbroken, and i dont know what to do anymore. Read the bolded parts again, especially the part about you being what he wants his kids' mom to be. Honestly? He's hoping she'll change so they can be together again. That's my blunt take on this, anyway. As long as he's living with her, I'd tell him to come get his stuff from your house. You are not a temporary storage unit. Unless and until he figures this out, I would not continue the current relationship. He does appear to care a lot about you, but he's too deeply conflicted and not yet ready to let go of his ex either. I'm still not clear on exactly why he's staying there right now? 1
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 You aren't delusional because if you were you wouldn't recognize that there is a problem. You may be naively optimistic but women in love often are. I recently lost both of my parents. It take a lot out of you & you can't see past your own grief. When my EX-BF's mother died, he checked out on me & life for about a year. It's been about 18 months for me & I am only now getting back to normal. I don't know if he loves his EX or he loves you. I do know that he's broken & grieving right now. It won't get better until his father gets well or after he dies. You can't change it. All you can do is let go because right now in his living situation with all of his other stress, he can't date anybody. You can't & shouldn't put your life on hold. As wonderful as he may be, while your paths ran together for a short while, he's where they diverge. Sorry.
Author confused815 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Thank you all. I know it is so obvious from the outside in. He and his ex are extremely complicated. On again/off again for 11 years, and she is a very difficult person. Tire slashing, physically attacking him, the whole nine. He swore he would never go back, but honestly if you live there? My only holdback to that is he has no where else to go but here. If he needs space from me becuase we moved to fast (which, let's face it, men often do need this in the same situation), then where else could he go? He pays for everything for his kids - the house, everything - because she cant afford to. I am having such a hard time letting go though. I love him so much i keep thinking well if he was really done he would jsut say it. Or he would come get his things when he knows i'm not here if he wanted to avoid confrontation. Last week when he came over we had a huge talk, and he told me he was still in this with me and loved me but he cant think straight for his own life and needs to work it out, and he needs space to do that. There was a hug - for 20 minutes - with tears on his part and of course mine. THe feeling for him is there, i just dont know if he is really done or if he is telling me the truth.
Author confused815 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Exactly! He texted me this morning and told me that i'm really awesome, and he is going to find a dr today to do therapy to help him figure out his life. so that is positive...but still, hanging on for nothing, or hanging on for something, i have no idea!
Emilia Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Am I insane for waiting for this man? I love him more than i could ever express, and when we were together we were so extraordinarily happy. If there is a chance, what should i do? SHould i ignore him and hope he comes back, or should i try to keep it light and friendly and not talk about the heavy stuff? I am so lost, and so hearbroken, and i dont know what to do anymore. Certainly very misguided. Is this the sort of thing you would wish on your sister or daughter? Open your eyes. 1
Emilia Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 told me that i'm really awesome, and he is going to find a dr today to do therapy to help him figure out his life. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I understand that you think there are these little details that make your situation different. But..I found the details matter so much less than the big picture. This guy is doing the fade and stringing you along. 3
Zahara Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 One thing is for certain, the man isn't in the right frame of mind to be emotionally available in a relationship. He's struggling with depression, the separation from his kids, leftover emotional issues with the ex, financial issues, loss of his mother, worries over his sick father -- emotionally, do you actually think there is room for a relationship? The last thing that should happen is introducing you to the children. There is nothing stable about your relationship to now drag children into it. He needs to stabilize his life, stabilize his relationship with you before dragging children into this mess. Secondly, just because he said you're awesome and he's seeing a therapist doesn't mean all is well because even with therapy, things may not be how you want them to be but most of all it's going to take time and commitment from him which most times people have a hard time being consistent with. So no guarantee there. Honestly, you are trying to invest in a man that isn't emotionally healthy. Neither are you. The best thing to do would be to step away from each other. If all this truly boils down to his issues and him working through it, you being involved will only trigger your own anxieties. It would be best to walk away, at least until he is able to stabilize on his own. 3
emva07 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 still in love with the ex, just wishes she was different...you're awesome and he wishes she was just as awesome but that doesn't change the fact that he loves her. It's one of those you can't control your heart things. That's what "you are everything I WISH my ex was" means. The depression is working in his favor here because it has brought out the nurturer side in you that makes it OK to do whatever the hell he wants and you will just make excuses for it. Big picture message here: man in love with a crazy girl that he wishes he didn't love but does. 1
HappyLove Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You are headed for a world of hurt right now. I haven't heard one positive thing about this guy. He's still screwing his ex WAKE UP WOMAN! If he's with you and has a place to sleep why on Earth would he sleep at her house? Sorry you are being naive. This guy doesn't seem worth one more second of your time. He found himself a sucker that'll believe any BS that he makes up. Tell him to come pack his junk up by this weekend. You are being played honey. Find yourself a man who's life isn't so messy. 1
Zahara Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 If he's with you and has a place to sleep why on Earth would he sleep at her house? Great point. OP, you said that you both stayed at your place almost every night. So why does he have to go home to her. For two people that despise each other, they certainly have no issues being in closed quarters, yet he has issues being in closed quarters with someone he believes is so awesome? Smells bad.
Author confused815 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 You all make GREAT points - things i have thought of myself, of course. I keep holding on though. Obviously i love this man. And we really were so happy together, and everything was fantastic for the majority of the relationship. He always told me it would be tough, and he was complicated sometimes and stupid. I am holidng onto the promises i made to stick by him and not give up even when it gets tough. But sometimes i wonder what i am holding on for. I also still hold on becuase of what he says - last week when he said he was in this with me, and he still loves me he just needs space. Or that he is still texting. Or that his things are still here and he has made no attempt to claim them - indicating perhaps he will come back? He can get them when i'm gone - its not like he has to see me to do this. If he wanted to fade, thats a great non confrontational way to do it.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You all make GREAT points - things i have thought of myself, of course. I keep holding on though. Obviously i love this man. And we really were so happy together, and everything was fantastic for the majority of the relationship. He always told me it would be tough, and he was complicated sometimes and stupid. I am holidng onto the promises i made to stick by him and not give up even when it gets tough. But sometimes i wonder what i am holding on for. I also still hold on becuase of what he says - last week when he said he was in this with me, and he still loves me he just needs space. Or that he is still texting. Or that his things are still here and he has made no attempt to claim them - indicating perhaps he will come back? He can get them when i'm gone - its not like he has to see me to do this. If he wanted to fade, thats a great non confrontational way to do it. ..indicating he has you on the backburner in case things really don't work out with his ex. 1
HappyLove Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 "I also still hold on becuase of what he says - last week when he said he was in this with me, and he still loves me he just needs space. Or that he is still texting." Of course this is what he'll say! You expect him to tell the truth and say 'thanks for holding my stuff at your place for whenever she's done with me and I need a place to crash back at your house". He even told you: "He always told me it would be tough, and he was complicated sometimes and stupid." Why on Earth would you get into a relationship when someone TELLS you this?! People show you who they are BELIEVE THEM. I think you need to question YOUR behavior at this point. The writing was on the wall, he's showing you by his actions, and still you stay. You'll probably waste another few years until HE kicks you to the curb. I say find a guy you can have a wonderful relationship with. I know it's not easy but this will not end well. Good luck. 2
Phantom888 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 He is emotionally not ready to have a serious relationship with you. His subconscious is forcing him to be distant and inconsistent with you. It's really hard to date people so freshly out of a marriage, especially if they have kids. I speak from experience, and if you have no kids of your own, this relationship will only go downhill. He's just not ready.
Author confused815 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 Thank you everyone for your honesty. It helped me do what i already knew in my gut was the thing to do. Since he won't answer my calls, i just texted and asked him to please come get his things and return my key tonight. I have already packed it all up and its by the door. It is REALLY hard - i love him so much, but none of this is fair to me. Maybe he'll figure out his life and come back at some point, who knows. 5
HappyLove Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 You have to love yourself more than you love him. And he's not even answering your calls? Figures. You'll be very happy you did this in the future when you find a man worthy of your love. Take some time out for yourself get busy with working out, new hobbies, meeting people. Good luck to you and bravo for standing up for yourself! 1
Neith Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 +1 Delusional. But I'm glad you saw sense. I know it's hard. Love sucks. Just go no contact, heal and move on to someone WAYYY better
Author confused815 Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 No contact will be so hard. This whole thing is hard. To make things more interesting... He never responded to my call/text asking him to come get his things last night. This morning I texted again, saying i really need him to get his things & they are already packed...he responded saying this isnt going to happen this weekend, and he's really sorry and understands but can we just relax a bit. Then one of our mutual friends told me a someone really close to them passed away last night - of course I had no idea, because my guy doesn't communicate with me. So anyway...he won't leave me (although all the signs are there, yeah?) and i cant leave him? Perpetual limbo. I refuse to be crazy and drive his stuff to his place because of the kids, but I have no idea what to do now.
HappyLove Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 No contact will be so hard. This whole thing is hard. To make things more interesting... He never responded to my call/text asking him to come get his things last night. This morning I texted again, saying i really need him to get his things & they are already packed...he responded saying this isnt going to happen this weekend, and he's really sorry and understands but can we just relax a bit. Then one of our mutual friends told me a someone really close to them passed away last night - of course I had no idea, because my guy doesn't communicate with me. So anyway...he won't leave me (although all the signs are there, yeah?) and i cant leave him? Perpetual limbo. I refuse to be crazy and drive his stuff to his place because of the kids, but I have no idea what to do now. Move on. Stop contacting him. Put his junk in the garage. 2
2sunny Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 You all make GREAT points - things i have thought of myself, of course. I keep holding on though. Obviously i love this man. And we really were so happy together, and everything was fantastic for the majority of the relationship. He always told me it would be tough, and he was complicated sometimes and stupid. I am holidng onto the promises i made to stick by him and not give up even when it gets tough. But sometimes i wonder what i am holding on for. I also still hold on becuase of what he says - last week when he said he was in this with me, and he still loves me he just needs space. Or that he is still texting. Or that his things are still here and he has made no attempt to claim them - indicating perhaps he will come back? He can get them when i'm gone - its not like he has to see me to do this. If he wanted to fade, thats a great non confrontational way to do it. Or you could pack his stuff and drop it off to his wife. He lives there - with her! He didn't take action to integrate you into his life - he used you to stay somewhere - and now he's back home. His words mean nothing when his action shows he's still playing an important role in his family. A safe place to land when things get tough at home? Yes, that's what you've provided = a fantasy for a bit of time. The reality is - he IS married - he has kids - he sleeps with his wife but won't tell you... That wouldn't be "good enough" for me... Step far away until his divorce is FINAL! It may never get finalized... 1
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