LovelyDay Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Ok so as the header says I identify as queer. I used to identify as bisexual, but I prefer queer because it has more room for change, for myself. So I completely and utterly attracted to and interested in women. But I have been with guys in the past, and have been attracted to men in the past. I feel like my sexuality is a bit fluid. I have been more attracted to men than I am now for example. But that's who I am. Should I put this in my OKC profile? Right now I am listed as straight on OKC, though I have had bi on there. Right now in my Most Private Thing section I have: I identify as queer. That said I'm only interested in women at the moment, hence my "Straight" designation on this site. But I've had relationships with other men in the past, and am not ruling out future ones. It's all an awkward thing for me to talk about, so that's why I'm laying it out in the open here. That said feel free to ask me questions about any of this. Should I not say this? Thing is I just don't know when to bring it up if I do start dating a girl. I want to decieve someone, get invested in them (or them in me) and have it all crash because I waited 4 dates to tell them. Someone please help. I feel like though me identifying as queer has severly limited my response rate. Which is fair, if you don't want that you don't want that, but it also leaves alot of room for judgement. I'm a guy. A very straight acting guy Most of my friends and family see me as straight. But I don't want to decieve anyone who I'm dating. Please help!
somedude81 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Your post is hella confusing. What gender do you want to date?
Author LovelyDay Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 I was just about to edit my post but it's not letting me. Here's my edited post. Ok so as the header says I identify as queer. But I'm strictly only interested in women for the moment. I used to identify as bisexual, but I prefer queer because it has more room for change, for myself. So I'm completely and utterly attracted to and interested in women. But I have been with guys in the past, and have been attracted to men in the past. I feel like my sexuality is a bit fluid. I have been more attracted to men than I am now for example. I'm not looking for anything with other men, but I don't know if I will in the future. That's who I am. Should I put this in my OKC profile? Right now I am listed as straight on OKC, though I have had bi on there. Right now in my Most Private Thing section I have: I identify as queer. That said I'm only interested in women at the moment, hence my "Straight" designation on this site. But I've had relationships with other men in the past, and am not ruling out future ones. It's all an awkward thing for me to talk about, so that's why I'm laying it out in the open here. That said feel free to ask me questions about any of this.Should I not say this? Thing is I just don't know when to bring it up if I do start dating a girl. I don't want to deceive someone, get invested in them (or them in me) and have it all crash because I waited 4 dates to tell them. Someone please help. I feel like though me identifying as queer has severely limited my response rate. Which is fair, if you don't want that you don't want that, but it also leaves alot of room for judgement. I'm a guy. A very straight acting guy Most of my friends and family see me as straight. But the stigma of guys like me is that I'm secretly gay but don't want to admit it and the like. Which is unfortunate that that mindset is out there, but it's there. I don't want to deceive anyone I'm dating. Please help!
Misfortune Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I think you should state your sexual orientation explicitly despite which gender you're looking to date. It would suck to waste someone's time and emotions if they're not interested in your true character. Be confident in who you are and know that there is someone for everyone. I wouldn't date a woman who isn't hetero simply because that's my preference. It would suck to find out later that that person is anything but and have to deal with the drama it entails. This also limits my dating pool but I'll still be able to find someone that's interested in me. 1
Author LovelyDay Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 What do you think of the wording that I have in my profile? Also, just curious as to your reason why you woudn't date someone who isn't hetero?
somedude81 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I think you should list yourself as bi, but in your profile state that you are currently only interested in women.
Author LovelyDay Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 But I'm not bi. That's why I don't list it there. And if were talking about a numbers game, that would decrease the number of women who view my profile by a lot. I am a pragmatist, but I want to be honest, which is why I list it further down in my profile. Hell, who am I kidding, most people judge profiles by the pictures anyway...Gah this is frustrating.
Misfortune Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) What do you think of the wording that I have in my profile? Also, just curious as to your reason why you woudn't date someone who isn't hetero? Your wording is up to you I guess. I believe that if someone has interest in both genders, they're bi. I'm not going to label you or anyone else since people are sensitive and like to think of themselves as other things. E.g: Queer---Bi....Potato-PoTATo in my book but I've never delve that deep into anything outside the hetero realm sooooo..... Fudged LOL. I meant *is*. No inbetweens, no confusions and no I like gender A more than gender B this year stories. I rather do without all of that, that's just me though; to each his/her own. Edited February 6, 2014 by Misfortune
Author LovelyDay Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) I don't like bi because for one thing it has so much baggage attached to it. When people hear it they think 1.)He's gay but in denial or 2.) He's not monogamous and HAS to have some sort of male sex in order to be happy. None of which are true. It's so much more complicated than that. For one thing it's not even close to a 50/50 split. It's closer to 95/5 (women/men) split for me personally. Pansexual works better for me actually because I don't have any hangups when it comes to trans,bi-gender, androgynous, etc. And bi is basically guy or girl. But I'm bringing my own preconceptions with pansexual, because when ever I hear pansexual, orgy is likely to pop up into my head after it. If that makes sense. Plus I feel like sexuality can be a fluid thing. For me queer is basically non-hetero or non-cis (plus some other types in between). And I'm know I'm not a heterosexual male because those attractions are in me. So that's why I like the umbrella term of queer. It doesn't confine one to a specific box. Edited February 6, 2014 by LovelyDay
georgecostanza Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I think a lot of people identify 'queer' as 'gay'. So if you're looking to get with women at the moment, this probably isn't the best way to attract them in the long run. Bisexual is a lot easier for straight people to digest if only because most of them haven't thought much about labels beyond LGBT. Also bear in mind that a lot of women on sites like OKCupid are looking for a serious relationship, so stating explicitly in your profile that you can't rule out relationships with men again in the future, though honest, might spark a fear in them that you aren't in it for the long run. That's fine if you aren't in it for the long run, but it will definitely limit your responses. Personally I'd remove the bit about finding it awkward to talk about as well, they might read that as you not really being sure about who you are. How about something like "I've had relationships with men in the past but at the moment I'm only looking for women. I view sexuality as a fluid spectrum to be enjoyed!" A bit simpler and saves you worrying too much about slapping a label on yourself. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 You need to specify what gender you are & what gender you are looking to meet. Since you are a guy looking to meet women, you should say that. Somewhere early on you do need to disclose that you have played for both teams because some people are going to have concerns about dating you.
Targetlock Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 'queer' is a bit of an insulting term anyway and gives the wrong impression. also you say you are not bi but you are interested in dating women? that i don't get, not to be insulting but failing to understand the logic here.
Author LovelyDay Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Not any more. Queer is a term of empowerment. But I get how people think it's just a slur used by kids from Southie. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer#Reappropriation That said, I realize others feel the way you do, so I took it out. So I took some of your considerations in, and this is what I have now: I believe sexuality can be a fluid thing. I've had dalliances with men in the past and I really want to be out in the open about that. But I really want to emphasize I am only interested in women, and am looking for a long term monogamous relationship. All that said feel free to ask me anything about this. Edited February 7, 2014 by LovelyDay
pickflicker Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Yes, please put it in your profile. Some straight girls are not interested in dating men who have a more flexible sexual definition of themselves.
kaylan Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Its best to just be upfront OP. The closest thing you could put on a profile is bisexual. There are no gender queer options. But tbh, your pickings may be slim, because from what Ive seen, most women desire a man who is straight....and most people on dating sites are not of the LGBT community. I say definitely mention your sexuality in your profile summary, so you dont waste your time or someone elses. Best of luck.
Author LovelyDay Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the help everyone! Just to vent, but it's really frustrating how people judge any men that have had relationships with other men in the past. I hope its a hurdle we get over, because its so annoying when someone will tell you they're for gay marriage but won't touch a guy who's kissed another man. And coming out to friends and family is virtually impossible because there are so many layers. How do I phrase it? Do I only tell them if I am in a committed relationship with another man? Is it basically just me airing out my previous sexual experiences? I really don't know sometimes...sigh... Edited February 7, 2014 by LovelyDay
pickflicker Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Thanks for the help everyone! Just to vent, but it's really frustrating how people judge any men that have had relationships with other men in the past. I hope its a hurdle we get over, because its so annoying when someone will tell you they're for gay marriage but won't touch a guy who's kissed another man. And coming out to friends and family is virtually impossible because there are so many layers. How do I phrase it? Do I only tell them if I am in a committed relationship with another man? Is it basically just me airing out my previous sexual experiences? I really don't know sometimes...sigh... Dating profiles ask for your sexual preference. I think you're splitting hairs. Like it or not, you are bisexual. It's not asking for your sexual experience, and I don't think you can blend the two. It is something you have to be upfront about. 1
georgecostanza Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Not any more. Queer is a term of empowerment. But I get how people think it's just a slur used by kids from Southie. Queer - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia That said, I realize others feel the way you do, so I took it out. So I took some of your considerations in, and this is what I have now: I think what you have now is a lot better than what you had before. It looks more open & more comfortable.
kaylan Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Thanks for the help everyone! Just to vent, but it's really frustrating how people judge any men that have had relationships with other men in the past. I hope its a hurdle we get over, because its so annoying when someone will tell you they're for gay marriage but won't touch a guy who's kissed another man. And coming out to friends and family is virtually impossible because there are so many layers. How do I phrase it? Do I only tell them if I am in a committed relationship with another man? Is it basically just me airing out my previous sexual experiences? I really don't know sometimes...sigh... People like what they like. I personally could only get into a serious relationship with a straight woman, but that doesnt stop me from being friends with LGBTQ folk, nor does it stop me from loving any family members I have who are LGBTQ, nor does it stop me from fighting for equal rights. People cant help what sexually turns them on or off. For a lot of women, the thought of a man with another man is not attractive. You just have to find women who are ok with your past. They are out there.
Author LovelyDay Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Dating profiles ask for your sexual preference. I think you're splitting hairs. Like it or not, you are bisexual. It's not asking for your sexual experience, and I don't think you can blend the two. It is something you have to be upfront about. Well if I state it in my profile I'm still being upfront about it, and it's important to me there's context. And no I'm not bisexual. If anything I'm pansexual. The world isn't black and white. It's not just straight, gay or bisexual. People can be so much more complex than that. Please never tell someone how they should identify themselves ever again. It's really inappropriate, and irresponsible. Edited February 7, 2014 by LovelyDay
Author LovelyDay Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 I think what you have now is a lot better than what you had before. It looks more open & more comfortable. Yeah, I agree. Thanks for the help!
kaylan Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Well if I state it in my profile I'm still being upfront about it, and it's important to me there's context. And no I'm not bisexual. If anything I'm pansexual. The world isn't black and white. It's not just straight, gay or bisexual. People can be so much more complex than that. Please never tell someone how they should identify themselves ever again. It's really inappropriate, and irresponsible. Look, Im as accepting of anyones self identity as it gets, but given the options OKC has, bisexual is the closest thing to describing you. There exist 2 biological human sexes...of which you have no preference. Gender aside, for all intents and purposes, when it comes to OKC biSEXual would be helpful to you in terms of finding women who would be ok with pansexuality. I only time I every come across queer or pansexual women is if they have bisexual selected in their orientation. 1
Author LovelyDay Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Well the reason for me putting the qualifier in my profile (and not listing myself as bisexual), is because I've seen women who have done the same. Soooo yeah.
pickflicker Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Well if I state it in my profile I'm still being upfront about it, and it's important to me there's context. And no I'm not bisexual. If anything I'm pansexual. The world isn't black and white. It's not just straight, gay or bisexual. People can be so much more complex than that. Please never tell someone how they should identify themselves ever again. It's really inappropriate, and irresponsible. But within the limitations of your OK Cupid profile, you need to work with what they have given you. What they have given you, is bisexual. We all have to deal with the world not perfectly defining our little box for us. Chill out, don't take it up with me, take it up with them.
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