Breaking up someone for another. Never done it before!

[BurnTheBuddha]

Hi, I'm new to these forums because well, I had no where else to turn! I asked on yahoo answers but no one replied at all. I don't have many people to talk to in real life so this is my next best option.

 

As you can guess, since I don't have anyone to talk to, I'm a more introvert person and dating is not common for me and I have certainly never had to break up with someone before. I'm 24 and I feel like I should have experience with this by now, but sadly I don't.

 

I think I may have screwed up...

So I have been dating a girl for 5 months now and things have been fine for the most part. Now I like this girl, I feel she is a nice, caring person and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings but I know a break up would. She is a couple years older than me and she has had relationships that didn't work out in the past, she was even married at one point but it didn't work out. However, we haven't even had sex yet because I'm just not feeling it with her. I can tell she wants to and past attempts, I just couldn't get into. So we rarely do anything sexual. This isn't even the reason I want to break up, I still enjoy her company, I just feel its a detail worth mentioning. Now, she is comfortable to be around and we get along for the most part but we do argue sometimes. I have even met her family over thanksgiving and they seem like great people.

 

Now, I find that there is another who I have been somewhat flirtatious with for quite a while, before I was even with this current girl, but I never thought anything would happen and thought it was just us being friendly. I come to find out she has her eye on me and I feel there could be something there. We have a lot in common and I have already shared most of the quirks of my personality with her and she still enjoys my company so that is a big plus already. I feel I want to give it a shot but I have no idea how to break things off with my current girl. I would love to remain friends if we could but I know it could be hard.

 

Any advice?

[Musing]

Definitely break up with your girlfriend. It sounds to me like you are with her more out of convenience (not that it makes you a bad person, a lot of people fall into the trap at some point or another) and also it's more of a "well, it seems good enough" type of deal.

"It's fine for the most part.."

"..I'm just not feeling it with her.."

"I enjoy her company"

It kind of sounds like you're talking about a friend or a relative. I know you don't want to hurt this girl, but her happiness should not solely be based on your actions.

 

Never settle, man.

Even if there wasn't another girl you were flirting with, I'd still give you this advice.

 

But, as for the other girl, I'd honestly wait it out a bit. If you want to be with her, break up with the girl you are with now and take a small breather. Don't jump right into a new relationship. You could feel guilty down the line or realize you jumped in too quickly. Talk to her, befriend her, be cordial, go out for drinks or lunch, but keep it light and let yourself have some space in between to process everything properly.

 

Be open and honest with both of these girls, and with yourself.

[pickflicker]

Give up on being friends. Never going to happen.

 

Go to her house, or a neutral location that avoids an audience (a park is good). Do it quick and dirty. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll be quick and clear. I have met someone else I feel is more compatible for me. I think it's best if we end this relationship. I'm sorry."

 

You'll probably have to stay for a bit to deal with the crying, but leave as soon as you can. And (this is the most important thing) - complete and utter NC. Do not answer any attempts by your soon-to-be-ex to contact you, do not contact her.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[BurnTheBuddha]

That's some solid advice from both of you. When should I do it? I mean I know the sooner the better, but we have conflicting work schedules and most of the time only get to see each other for a couple hours before she heads out to work. We are supposed to see a movie this Friday because that is her only night off and she usually stays the night at my place after we do things. I'd hate to wreck her only free night and leave her stranded on my side of town (we life far away from each other and she takes the bus to my side of town). Should I maybe wait for a day when she will be using her car?

[Misfortune]

Can't you go to her side or meet in the middle? I wouldn't go through with the movie and get her hopes up more before crushing her.

[pickflicker]

That's some solid advice from both of you. When should I do it? I mean I know the sooner the better, but we have conflicting work schedules and most of the time only get to see each other for a couple hours before she heads out to work. We are supposed to see a movie this Friday because that is her only night off and she usually stays the night at my place after we do things. I'd hate to wreck her only free night and leave her stranded on my side of town (we life far away from each other and she takes the bus to my side of town). Should I maybe wait for a day when she will be using her car?

 

No, you should do it as soon as possible. Can you offer to meet her at her house and cancel the movie?

[BurnTheBuddha]

Can't you go to her side or meet in the middle? I wouldn't go through with the movie and get her hopes up more before crushing her.

 

Well she works on my side of town too, so thats why she would be on my side of town. She just had the idea to see a movie with me after she got out of work. I'd have no problem driving her home or anything, I just don't know if that is a good idea given the situation.

[Misfortune]

Well she works on my side of town too, so thats why she would be on my side of town. She just had the idea to see a movie with me after she got out of work. I'd have no problem driving her home or anything, I just don't know if that is a good idea given the situation.

 

I was under the impression that she only came to your side for you. Rip the band-aid during one of those before work sessions. Get her to come as early as possible b4 work so she'll have some time to compose herself. It would be best to do it when she doesn't have work after though. Either way, don't do anything that makes her think that the relationship is moving forward.

[pickflicker]

Well she works on my side of town too, so thats why she would be on my side of town. She just had the idea to see a movie with me after she got out of work. I'd have no problem driving her home or anything, I just don't know if that is a good idea given the situation.

 

You may have to drive her home afterwards, but that's ok. You have to make the situation work given the constraints. Meet her after work, do the deed, drive her home. Or pick her up, drive her to her place and then do the deed.

[almond]

I'm all for honesty an openness, but I don't feel that it's necessary in this instance to mention the other woman at all.

 

Just tell her that you're not feeling it, and that you respect her as a person and care about her, but you're just not in love with her. You can also explain NC briefly, so she understands that you are not doing it to hurt her, but for the benefit of both of you.

 

Let her down easy IMO, but be clear and decisive at the same time.

[deathandtaxes]

Agree with almond. DO NOT mention the other woman. You just have to say you can't see her anymore.

[Sandy99]

The fact is you're just taking the easy way out and you know it. You're obviously immature. Why in the world would you stay dating somebody for five months without really liking her or communicating your problems with the relationship to her? Do you think she's a mind reader?

 

You've completely lead her on and now that somebody else is interested in you, and your options have opened up, you want to cut the last girl and move on to the new one. Nothing is going to be un-messy about this. The person you are currently dating is going to hate you forever and never want to be your friend or even talk to you again if you dump her for somebody else. Get a clue! How would you feel if somebody did this to you?

 

*Why don't you try something different and mature? Tell the girl who appears to have her eye on you that you are dating somebody else. Yes, that means having some integrity. Go to the person you are currently dating and have a conversation with her about your feelings. Tell her how you would like the relationship to change. Tell her you're willing to work on things. Give the girl you are currently with some time to process this and allow her to make some changes. Give the relationship you are in some time to evolve. If things don't change and you are still unhappy break up with the girl.

 

Next take some time for yourself...maybe a few months. If that other girl is still around at that time maybe try dating her. Chances are the grass won't be greener on the other side and you'll still face similar problems with the new girl if you don't learn to communicate.

 

Jumping from one relationship to another is IMMATURE and a very nasty thing to do to your ex.... and all the new girl will be in a rebound. Use your head. Treat others like you would like to be treated. Is that so hard? Do you really need a relationship forum to figure that out?

[pickflicker]

The fact is you're just taking the easy way out and you know it. You're obviously immature. Why in the world would you stay dating somebody for five months without really liking her or communicating your problems with the relationship to her? Do you think she's a mind reader?

 

You've completely lead her on and now that somebody else is interested in you, and your options have opened up, you want to cut the last girl and move on to the new one. Nothing is going to be un-messy about this. The person you are currently dating is going to hate you forever and never want to be your friend or even talk to you again if you dump her for somebody else. Get a clue! How would you feel if somebody did this to you?

 

*Why don't you try something different and mature? Tell the girl who appears to have her eye on you that you are dating somebody else. Yes, that means having some integrity. Go to the person you are currently dating and have a conversation with her about your feelings. Tell her how you would like the relationship to change. Tell her you're willing to work on things. Give the girl you are currently with some time to process this and allow her to make some changes. Give the relationship you are in some time to evolve. If things don't change and you are still unhappy break up with the girl.

 

Next take some time for yourself...maybe a few months. If that other girl is still around at that time maybe try dating her. Chances are the grass won't be greener on the other side and you'll still face similar problems with the new girl if you don't learn to communicate.

 

Jumping from one relationship to another is IMMATURE and a very nasty thing to do to your ex.... and all the new girl will be in a rebound. Use your head. Treat others like you would like to be treated. Is that so hard? Do you really need a relationship forum to figure that out?

 

He's well within his rights to end his relationship, and if he's met someone else, then he's met someone else. He doesn't need to be called selfish and immature.

 

If my father hadn't left another woman for my mother, I would never have been born. And they would not still be married 36 years later.

 

He's asked for advice on the best way to end things. That's more than many dumpers will do. Cut him some slack.

[Survivor12]

One more piece of advice: When you break it off, be sure to make yourself clear, don't try to cushion the blow by allowing her to believe that you aren't sure or that there is anything she can do that would change your mind. She will look for any indication that its not over--and grasp onto any shred of hope.

 

To avoid that, keep it short and simple. Do not elaborate or discuss any thing "wrong" with her or the relationship. Do not say that you would still like to hang out. Don't unleash a flood of compliments to try to make her feel better, don't say that you don't want a relationship, and above all, DO NOT say "it's not you, it's me".

 

Tell her that you've enjoyed your time together but that you have given it a lot of thought and have realized that your feelings aren't enough to continue in the relationship.

 

As for "being friends", don't even mention it. If a friendship develops later, great, but there is no reason to bring it up now. If SHE says something about being friends (which means, "can I stay in your life and try to change your mind"), tell her that perhaps, after some time has passed and you have both had time to move past the relationship, you can reconnect as friends but right now it wouldn't be good for either of you and explain that for now, you believe NC is best.

 

Be prepared to console her--but as you would a friend, not a gf. In other words, keep an emotional distance. For example, instead of saying, "I'm sorry for hurting you" or "I hate seeing you hurt" tell her "I'm sorry you are hurting". Don't prolong the agony. I'm not saying that you should run away, but don't drag it out.

 

As for driving her home, unless she is a complete wreck, don't. Suggest that she call a friend or walk her to the bus (which is better than if she had to drive).

 

Good luck...

[BurnTheBuddha]

The fact is you're just taking the easy way out and you know it. You're obviously immature. Why in the world would you stay dating somebody for five months without really liking her or communicating your problems with the relationship to her? Do you think she's a mind reader?

 

You've completely lead her on and now that somebody else is interested in you, and your options have opened up, you want to cut the last girl and move on to the new one. Nothing is going to be un-messy about this. The person you are currently dating is going to hate you forever and never want to be your friend or even talk to you again if you dump her for somebody else. Get a clue! How would you feel if somebody did this to you?

 

*Why don't you try something different and mature? Tell the girl who appears to have her eye on you that you are dating somebody else. Yes, that means having some integrity. Go to the person you are currently dating and have a conversation with her about your feelings. Tell her how you would like the relationship to change. Tell her you're willing to work on things. Give the girl you are currently with some time to process this and allow her to make some changes. Give the relationship you are in some time to evolve. If things don't change and you are still unhappy break up with the girl.

 

Next take some time for yourself...maybe a few months. If that other girl is still around at that time maybe try dating her. Chances are the grass won't be greener on the other side and you'll still face similar problems with the new girl if you don't learn to communicate.

 

Jumping from one relationship to another is IMMATURE and a very nasty thing to do to your ex.... and all the new girl will be in a rebound. Use your head. Treat others like you would like to be treated. Is that so hard? Do you really need a relationship forum to figure that out?

 

I know I screwed up. I'm well aware of that. I just wasn't sure if this is even what I wanted. For starters, she was the one to ask me out first, she was the one who proposed the idea of being more than friends after our first few dates. I wasn't sure and decided to go with the flow. I know I'm a screw up and I have no experience. I was a loser nerd most of my younger life and hardly dated at all hence my lack of "maturity" . Thank you for your insight but it's what I have been telling myself in my head the entire time. This other girl knows I'm dating someone else, she knew for a while. I'm sorry you are so upset but I didn't mean to offend and it isn't as if I'm doing it to you. I just wanted some insight from another source.

Edited February 7, 2014 by BurnTheBuddha
Grammar error

[Sandy99]

Pickflicker: I don't really care what he needs to be called. I am just being honest. And people are well within their right to do a lot of nasty things to other people....so what. What's your point?

 

He's saying he's dating a nice girl, and he wants to know if they can remain friends after he's dumped her for another woman and the answer is a big no. Why come on a forum like this unless to hear different perspective. Great your parents met this way. Yay for infidelity!

 

Buddah: You're creating a big mess for yourself unless you handle things properly. That's a woman's perspective. And you've really not said much about this other woman anyway. She sounds like a piece of work. Flirting with you and trying to get you to date her when she knows you're with somebody else. Open your eyes. Women like that are lame.

[pickflicker]

Pickflicker: I don't really care what he needs to be called. I am just being honest. And people are well within their right to do a lot of nasty things to other people....so what. What's your point?

 

He's saying he's dating a nice girl, and he wants to know if they can remain friends after he's dumped her for another woman and the answer is a big no. Why come on a forum like this unless to hear different perspective. Great your parents met this way. Yay for infidelity!

 

Buddah: You're creating a big mess for yourself unless you handle things properly. That's a woman's perspective. And you've really not said much about this other woman anyway. She sounds like a piece of work. Flirting with you and trying to get you to date her when she knows you're with somebody else. Open your eyes. Women like that are lame.

 

My father did not cheat on his girlfriend. And I'm still here, and thankful for it. And the OP is not contemplating infidelity, he's actually trying to do the right thing! He's trying to find the best way to break things off with her so that he can be happy.

 

More guys should be like him. He doesn't want to hurt her, but accepts that he has to, in order to be happy. That's LIFE. Get used to it.

[BurnTheBuddha]

If we cannot remain friends, then that is fine too. It was just something I would like to have done. I know this is going to be really hard and I didn't expect us to become friends the moment after or anything. The last thing I am trying to do is cheat, that's why I need advice. I don't want to start going on dates with another girl behind her back. I felt this way since before I knew about the other girl anyway. Back at the beginning of the year, we were constantly fighting we even ruined our new years eve because we just couldn't settle our differences. Heck even just the other day we were fine one minute and the next she was throwing down the silent treatment and wouldn't even tell me why. Something I said maybe? I have no clue because she wouldn't say. This happens often.

 

The other girl's friend even told me that she won't do anything with me until she knows I'm single, she hasn't really asked me to do anything concerning me and my GF.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Pickflicker: I don't really care what he needs to be called. I am just being honest. And people are well within their right to do a lot of nasty things to other people....so what. What's your point?

 

He's saying he's dating a nice girl, and he wants to know if they can remain friends after he's dumped her for another woman and the answer is a big no. Why come on a forum like this unless to hear different perspective. Great your parents met this way. Yay for infidelity!

 

Buddah: You're creating a big mess for yourself unless you handle things properly. That's a woman's perspective. And you've really not said much about this other woman anyway. She sounds like a piece of work. Flirting with you and trying to get you to date her when she knows you're with somebody else. Open your eyes. Women like that are lame.

 

lol some people on this site.

 

Dating someone for five months is NOT that long. You can still not know everyone about the person after that. And he isnt "jumping" into another relationship. THAT would mean he is seeing his current girl AND new girl at the same time. He is open to the possibility of new girl. People leave because they are interested in another person, but that doesnt always necessarily mean immaturity and/or cheating.

 

Look, breakups happen. You have obviously been hurt by someone, as have many on here so you are talking out of hurt. What the OP is asking are very legitimate questions and he has ever right to move on if he is not feeling any sort of connection with his current relationship.

 

What he SHOULDNT do is lie and/or try to take the nice way out. Open, clear, precise, and to the point. No "We can be friends" or "you can talk to me anytime you need anything" or any sort of nonsense that shows that the door is still open.

[RDawg]

Buddha burner, sorry to hear about your situation. It's not nice to have to hurt someone you care about, but you are actually doing her a favour by letting her go if you're not into her.

 

The consensus on this forum is that you should go no contact and during this time do some introspection and personal development. Take full responsibility for your part in the relationships failure and see if you can identify those character flaws and shortcomings which contributed to the BU. This time is now for YOU. For you to heal and evolve. For you to improve yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.

 

Only then will you be in a position to allow love into your life again. Whatever you do, please do not rebound! You will cause yourself and this other girl tremendous damage. I would suggest remaining single for at least a year before dating again.

 

Good luck!

[Justletgo]

Sandy99 has a point, but so do others.

 

Of course it's best to learn to communicate and try to SOLVE the problem in the relationship before ending things.

People should learn this, because every relationship will face hardship. If you keep bailing the moment the ***** hits the fan you won't get far.

 

But if that doesn't work, and the relationship isn't what you want. Then you should end it.

In theory it'd be best to end it when you haven't found someone else yet, but that doesn't happen often.

 

The situation just sucks all-round. Especially because I can see an anology with my own breakup.

[David87]

Don't quit on your current girlfriend just because you found someone better. It's not fare and you know this.

[Lifegoezon]

You absolutely have to end it before you take any steps with a new person. That is common decency and saves your current girl a world of pain while keeping your integrity, which will help with your own recovery. People here have given good advice on how to go about it. You will both hurt for a while for different reasons and she will probably try to reconcile while you are vulnerable from guilt. You have to remember what it was about the relationship that didn't work for you and not respond. NC will help with that. The other girl is not the reason for your dissatisfaction in this relationship and doesn't have to be mentioned in the breakup.

 

Good luck - do the right thing.

[Musing]

To add to what those are saying about another female being involved...

 

I agree that you should not outright say "There is someone else" but if she asks if there is anyone else, I think you should tell her.

 

I say this because I was just broken up with, and I asked if there was someone else. I asked with the assumption that my bf/ex was going to be honest with me. I told him not to sugar coat it, that I could take it (But that still doesn't mean he was totally real with me)

I like to know EVERYTHING in a breakup, only because it gives me the motivation to move on quicker.

 

But that is just me. If she wants to walk into that pit of snakes, then she is so obliged. If she doesn't like the answer, it is on her for asking - but you will at least have been honest with her.

[Musing]

The fact is you're just taking the easy way out and you know it. You're obviously immature. Why in the world would you stay dating somebody for five months without really liking her or communicating your problems with the relationship to her? Do you think she's a mind reader?

 

You've completely lead her on and now that somebody else is interested in you, and your options have opened up, you want to cut the last girl and move on to the new one. Nothing is going to be un-messy about this. The person you are currently dating is going to hate you forever and never want to be your friend or even talk to you again if you dump her for somebody else. Get a clue! How would you feel if somebody did this to you?

 

*Why don't you try something different and mature? Tell the girl who appears to have her eye on you that you are dating somebody else. Yes, that means having some integrity. Go to the person you are currently dating and have a conversation with her about your feelings. Tell her how you would like the relationship to change. Tell her you're willing to work on things. Give the girl you are currently with some time to process this and allow her to make some changes. Give the relationship you are in some time to evolve. If things don't change and you are still unhappy break up with the girl.

 

Next take some time for yourself...maybe a few months. If that other girl is still around at that time maybe try dating her. Chances are the grass won't be greener on the other side and you'll still face similar problems with the new girl if you don't learn to communicate.

 

Jumping from one relationship to another is IMMATURE and a very nasty thing to do to your ex.... and all the new girl will be in a rebound. Use your head. Treat others like you would like to be treated. Is that so hard? Do you really need a relationship forum to figure that out?

 

 

Okay.

I am going to offer my POV as someone who had been in BtBs position but is no longer tied to my ex (so I feel no need to make this sweet)

 

There are people in life you meet, that you like. And then there are people in life that you meet, that you lliikkee.

Some people, those that you like - you think they are sweet, or fun, and genuinely awesome people. So, when the opportunity arises, you date them! I mean after all they are pretty cute, they are funny, smart, etc. But...that's it. You notice when you date them, there is not "umf" but you don't want to just break it off, because there could potentially be.

Not only that but this person you know deserves happiness.

 

But then it happen. You spot someone that you lliikkee.

Your palms get sweaty, heart races, libido goes haywire...you know the drill.

You've just met someone you have chemistry with. Or have that spark. Your biology is telling you to go to that person. And as it turns out, after talking to them, you like them more.

 

The brain already has it set on which one it wants. There is nothing to fix. There are no problems in relationship number one other than the OP is not feeling it, and never truly was. The only way to fix that is for OP to leave.

It is totally illogical to force yourself to simply settle and be happy with someone for the sake of not making them cry. Seriously, in the long run they'll both be miserable.

He has a right to be happy with whomever. Why force what isn't there with girl #1?