How to let go of that hope you might get back together

[Tulipsgold]

Hi everyone!

 

Right now I'm in the stage of BU where I'm mostly being my own worst enemy. Let me explain:

 

I broke up with my BF about 2,5 months ago. We had little contact over those 2,5 months. Been NC for about a month now.

The break up didn't really come as a total surprise. We weren't happy for a while now. And in a way, I could've felt it coming weeks away, but some how I never really thought it would actually happen. I always thought if this time would ever come, we'd take a breather, not a real break up. Cause he adored and loved me right? He really wanted to be with me right? He was so lucky to have me right? (his words).

Yet here I am, trying to convice myself everyday that it will eventually get better. Somedays I believe it more than others, But I can't seem to lose the feeling that somewhere deep in my mind, in this little place I'm afraid to admit, I have hope that we might get back together. Yet it is so bluntly obvious we won't. He hasn't contacted me in a month, or shown interest in reconcilation.

 

I have though. (which I slightly regret now). About a month ago when we were last in contact, I told him that I really missed him and had such a hard time. That it was difficult for me to accept that we would not be together again. His answer was that he felt so numb, that we were in limbo and a decision as grand as getting back together wasn't made in ten minutes. And that I was always his friend, and could talk to him whenever if I wanted to.

I decided that this was everything I didn't want to hear, so I chose me. He texted me after the conversation, but I didn't respond.

However the problem is I can't shake this feeling of hope for us I still have left. It is really influencing my recovery. Everytime I feel a little lonely or melancholic or sad, I go back to those memories we had and tap in to that feeling of hope again. I'm being my own worst enemy right now. My mind is making it as if we were the perfect couple, which we really weren't. Why isn't my mind working with me? Why is it not trying to help me get better, happier? I so desperately want to be my old self again.

 

I haven't cried in over 3 weeks, I've been doing so much better already, yet I know if I could lose that tiny bit of hope and rose coloured memories I have left, I will really start recovering. How can I get rid of it? How long will this hope feeling stay with you? How can I overcome being my own worst enemy?

[David87]

The worst part is that you will never forget your ex, you just have to live with your losses

[allcriedout1]

I could have written your post. This is so me. He broke up with me mid Oct but for me it was a total shock. We still had contact over the next couple of months. Now its been NC for only 9 days. I still hold on to hope as well....

 

I dont have any advice, just wanted you to know that I can totally relate because thats where I am at also. I think its because we are stuck in the denial stage of grief.

[Musing]

Hah! It's as if I am reading my own post.

 

To be honest if you feel strongly for someone, I don't think it ever really goes away. You tolerate it with time and it's not this strong painful feeling but it gets duller as the days, months, years go by. But like David said, you never really forget someone or how you felt for them.

 

It's hard in healing because you feel like there is some cosmic force that will bring you together, there has to be because of these feelings...right? Like, he must have those too, right?

Maybe he does, or doesn't. No one but he knows.

 

You hear songs about it, see movies about it, and often times these situations are the muses for great works: The one that got away.

 

The good news is you will love others. Some more than this guy. Doesn't mean you'll stop cherishing what you had, but in time you respect that it's over.

 

Although, sometimes the brain just likes to be a jerk make you think you have a chance, or have real feelings during the weakest point of your healing, only to make you realize later down the road "Oh yeah, that guy. We had a thing awhile ago, he's whatever now" You'd be surprised.

[fartastica]

Oh boy, this is eerie because it's as if you're voicing my own thoughts! At 3.5 months after BU, I still sometimes slip into that mode of fantasizing the next time we meet again, he will eventually realize what he missed and that I'm the one for him all along.

 

I can't shake the feeling that we're pulled together by fate and that we are fated to fall in love again someday. (My ex and I share a ridiculous amount of coincidences that have made me think this way, you could read my post in LS if you want to read more about it!) But alas, he studies in England and I live in NYC, and HE was the one who couldn't deal with the long distance.

 

You have to condition yourself into thinking that he is not the one for you if he just decided to leave you heartbroken. I know killing that 'what if' is the most frustrating thing to go through, but that inkling of hope is our brains' way of manifesting a cushion for our heart, so we don't have to feel the pain of knowing it's REALLY over...yet. But eventually we will come to that realization, and it will still hurt like a mofo!!

 

I have recently started seeing a mental health counselor, and she has been helping me work through these moments of false hope. She said something to me that became an "a ha" moment: If something is fated to happen, hope is redundant. You don't need to spend any time hoping or secretly planning for it, it will just happen. It really resonated with me and has helped me let go of that hope. If further down the line we reconcile again, that's something the universe takes care of, not I. So I don't even have to worry about it, I should just go about my merry life. If I'm meant to find someone even better, I will.

 

So let life take the wheel! Hope this helps in some way. Hugs to you, we are all in this together