Lunatrue Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) My bf and I have been together for a little over a year now and I recently moved in because his roommates gave notice and moved to be closer to work, I am 23 and he is 27. Back in March we had a falling out that resulted in him telling me he didn't know if he loved me. After our breakup he registered and payed for a Match.com profile, threw away everything I gave him, no less than 1 day of our committed relationship ending. He had everything he wanted listed for his next date and it was my closest friend who stumbled across his profile. After a week I called him and asked him to give me a chance and we got back together 2 weeks later. On his birthday of last year (Months after the breakup!) I made him mini cakes, dressed in lingerie and heels making him a birthday dinner and he ended up staying in his office most of the time playing Star Craft and LOL while I cooked. I asked him if I could use his phone to call my Grandmother to ask how to make the German cake topping and he said, "Sure go ahead!" he left his cellphone on the table in the living room and I saw a text that was pulled up on his screen saying "Are you still dating that won't go anywhere, uninteresting, won't do anything, ever interesting girl?" My heart sunk and I ended up taking a quick shower and eating the dinner I made him for his Birthday alone in the living room. To this day, I have not told him about the message I read on his phone and I feel like I am beating a dead horse. No matter what I do, I end up having some sort of doubt that renders my trust in him. I have became sour with other women when it comes to him, I have lost almost all of my confidence, I feel miserable and I feel like there is no way I can talk to him about it because I wasn't suppose to read it. What can I do other than leave? I know its easier to say, "leave him' but the truth is that I love this person deeply and it breaks my heart that I can't get past it. When we started dating he told me that in his previous relationship, (High school sweetheart of over 5 years) that he had oral sex within a week of taking a break. I wasn't sure how to take that or if it was a early red flag. I have the worst trouble communicating with him out of fear that he will cock and attitude and be snobby in regards to how I feel. Edited February 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mammasita Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 You know exactly what you have to do. Grow some balls, self worth, self respect - pick up the pieces and get yourself out of there. Don't waste your time on this buffoon trying to figure out the whys and what ifs. He's shown you exactly how important you are to him and what he thinks of you. You're young and have your entire life ahead of you. Find someone who values you and appreciates you. They're out there - I promise. Good luck! 1
Grumpybutfun Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Never stay in a relationship that makes you miserable, less than who you used to be, never validated or listened to, and that makes you feel inferior. Relationships should propel you towards greatness, make you feel secure and content, and give you a sense of peace and a life of passion. This guy is a roadblock to a great relationship that you could possibly have in your future. Why settle for bad behavior? Move on, Grumps
Zahara Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 "Are you still dating that won't go anywhere, uninteresting, won't do anything, ever interesting girl?". After reading that line I was thinking that you ended the relationship but as I kept on reading, you're still with him! You do know that the only reason an outsider has refered to the relationship/you that way is because those are words from his own mouth. Loving a person does not, I repeat does not justify staying in a relationship that has diminished you into nothing. What you feel isn't love. What you feel is a toxic dependency on a man. Why? It's because you have no self-respect, therefore you attach and cling even when you're being treated this way. This is not love, hun. This is co-dependency. I'm sad to read your thread. There is no other way but to leave. And if you don't, you have to live with it because complaining will not change a thing. 5
Author Lunatrue Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 After reading that line I was thinking that you ended the relationship but as I kept on reading, you're still with him! You do know that the only reason an outsider has refered to the relationship/you that way is because those are words from his own mouth. Loving a person does not, I repeat does not justify staying in a relationship that has diminished you into nothing. What you feel isn't love. What you feel is a toxic dependency on a man. Why? It's because you have no self-respect, therefore you attach and cling even when you're being treated this way. This is not love, hun. This is co-dependency. I'm sad to read your thread. There is no other way but to leave. And if you don't, you have to live with it because complaining will not change a thing. That is a very strong comment and its the best comment I have received trying to figure things out. I understand that if I stay in this relationship I am not going to be happy. I double post because I get so sad thinking about it, I lose track of what I should be doing. Thanks..
Zahara Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 That is a very strong comment and its the best comment I have received trying to figure things out. I understand that if I stay in this relationship I am not going to be happy. I double post because I get so sad thinking about it, I lose track of what I should be doing. Thanks.. Hun, you're 23! What I would do to get those years back, the years of mistakes I made staying in useless relationships. But I love him! I wished someone would have smacked me when I uttered those words. Don't get sad thinking about it. Do something about it then at least the sadness will be worth it. If you leave, the sadness will be temporary, painful yes, crippling yes -- but oh so worth it because the reward is that you get to reclaim what you deserve. But if you stay, feeling this way will be indefinite and worst of all, it will chip away at your self-esteem and it already has. Please don't waste your years. So much to do. So much to see. So much to experience. Don't let one asswhole tear you down.
soccerrprp Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 That is a very strong comment and its the best comment I have received trying to figure things out. I understand that if I stay in this relationship I am not going to be happy. I double post because I get so sad thinking about it, I lose track of what I should be doing. Thanks.. Listen to Zahara. Anyone that makes you feel like crap is not deserving. I have too many female friends who wasted YEARS thinking they were in love, but stuck in hapless relationships. Men know how to string ladies like you along. Make promises, you stay for change, give him time, he doesn't change, he promises again....you give him more time...until years are gone and nothing has changed and you are a shell of who you were. Ugh. Some of the stories my female friends have told me just get me shaking my head in astonishment. 1
SadNLonley Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Problem now is TRUST. If you don't have that in a relationship, there is NO relationship. I have a friend who doesnt trust her husband. She constantly looks at his phone when we walks away, checks his emails. She is not happy. Its a constant struggle wondering who/when/what he is doing when you aren't around. Being so young, you have so many opportunities ahead of you. Don't let this one mess up your head. Thats where it sounds like its going. I know its easier said than done walking away from someone you love, but love yourself more.
Author Lunatrue Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) Problem now is TRUST. If you don't have that in a relationship, there is NO relationship. I have a friend who doesnt trust her husband. She constantly looks at his phone when we walks away, checks his emails. She is not happy. Its a constant struggle wondering who/when/what he is doing when you aren't around. Being so young, you have so many opportunities ahead of you. Don't let this one mess up your head. Thats where it sounds like its going. I know its easier said than done walking away from someone you love, but love yourself more. The thing is, he shows some type of sympathy when its called for and acts interested when it comes down to my frustration. He has bought me roses and things for holidays, told me he loved me in the past and sometimes does now. He acts hurt if I say anything different of the such and shows honest feelings that I am not sure how to accept. Its like a mind game! I have convinced myself that maybe he said that to his friend at the time of the falling out and he doesn't mean it now....but I am still reluctant. I am really taking to heart the advice and thank you everyone for being such a help! This has been the biggest help I have received since the issue took place. Edited February 6, 2014 by Lunatrue
ithappenedagain Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 On his birthday of last year (Months after the breakup!) I made him mini cakes, dressed in lingerie and heels making him a birthday dinner and he ended up staying in his office most of the time playing Star Craft and LOL while I cooked. That tells me EVERYTHING i need to know about him..... One word for you hunny... "NEXT!" Sorry just wanted to put a smile on your face! You sound like an amazing catch!! You are loving, loyal, have a huge heart, and can be exotic! :) You have come to the right place for advice! btw.. Tampa huh? Lived there for many years! Miss it to death!!! Although where I live now is pretty darn awesome too (Colorado)
Blizeow Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I would love to be 23 again! Those are your best years! Ditch this selfish idiot fast!!! You sound like a doll and should be with someone who appreciates all your effort- when I was 23 I was in a VERY similar relationship... And I stayed. Needless to say, we ended up breaking up later. I wasted too much time that I can never get back... Take the advice of everyone else! NEXT!!!!
Author Lunatrue Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) On his birthday of last year (Months after the breakup!) I made him mini cakes, dressed in lingerie and heels making him a birthday dinner and he ended up staying in his office most of the time playing Star Craft and LOL while I cooked. That tells me EVERYTHING i need to know about him..... One word for you hunny... "NEXT!" Sorry just wanted to put a smile on your face! You sound like an amazing catch!! You are loving, loyal, have a huge heart, and can be exotic! :) You have come to the right place for advice! btw.. Tampa huh? Lived there for many years! Miss it to death!!! Although where I live now is pretty darn awesome too (Colorado) Aw thankyou and just getting any advice helped. I have lived in fl my whole life and the weather seems slightly out of whack recently. Thanks again, did make me smile. Thanks so much everyone for the supportive advice! Edited February 26, 2014 by Lunatrue
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