I got dumped, doing NC, but we're bound to bump into eachother

[DrSleepy]

Hey everyone, new here, I'll try to make this short!

I need advice about no contact, since I will inevitably bump into my ex soon.

 

I (25m) met the girl of my dreams (22f) when I moved to another city to study.

She's one year ahead of me and in the brief 4 months we've had together she became the first girl I ever considered to marry and have kids with.

That joy didn't last long, the very day she came back from a skiing trip she broke up with me, saying that she wasn't in love with me anymore.

I immediately started no contact, and have resisted all urges to talk to her, I already know that begging or seeking resolution will do me no good.

I suspect it's the "grass is greener" syndrome since she said I wasn't "right" for her, or that she met someone on her trip.

Either way, I don't need to tell you guys how I feel, you've all been there.

My problem is that we're both active in the same student organization, and this weekend she's working at this party for the newcomers.

I'm supposed to go there and support the freshmen I've been handling, but it's only been about 11 days since we broke up!

I trust in my ability to put on a brave face and act as if nothing ever happened, I'll just ignore her as much as possible while still being civil if I'll go, but the thing is that I'd do just about anything to have her change her mind about me.

Should I skip going to the event, or just face the inevitable a bit too early and face this head on?

People will be disappointed if I don't go, what do you guys think?

I have so many questions and every now and then I want to tell her that I love her, and that it hurts to wake up every morning knowing I'll never see her perfect face in bed next to me again... but I know that talking to her like that would be stupid if she's truly gotten tired of me.

If she tries to talk to me about the break-up, should I be honest like that or just say as little as possible?

 

TLDR; It's only been 11 days since I got dumped and did NC, but I can't avoid bumping into her through my social life, should I put everything on hold to avoid her at all costs for the coming month or just carry on and face the music?

 

Any support or perspective is appreciated!

T

[Chi townD]

Everything was fine and then she went on a ski trip. She comes back and then breaks up with you. Yeah, not GIGS.

 

She probably met someone while away or she hooked up with some random dude there. Therefore, she comes home and breaks up with you because to remain with you would be a constant reminder of what she did to you and she doesn't want to live with that guilt.

 

So, skip the event. Have someone cover for you. Things are too raw right now and it's too soon. These kids are freshmen. If they're smart enough to get into University, then they can handle things on their own. And you might want to think about getting involved in some other student activity.

[DrSleepy]

Everything was fine and then she went on a ski trip. She comes back and then breaks up with you. Yeah, not GIGS.

 

She probably met someone while away or she hooked up with some random dude there. Therefore, she comes home and breaks up with you because to remain with you would be a constant reminder of what she did to you and she doesn't want to live with that guilt.

 

So, skip the event. Have someone cover for you. Things are too raw right now and it's too soon. These kids are freshmen. If they're smart enough to get into University, then they can handle things on their own. And you might want to think about getting involved in some other student activity.

 

That's how my thinking goes too. She didn't seem like that type, but everyone does stupid **** when they drink, I know that myself.

But that makes me want to break NC and talk to her about it, in order to find out the truth. Maybe I can forgive her if she's showing remorse.

And I don't mean confront her in anger, I've been through the worst before and I'm just not an angry person.

[Zahara]

That's how my thinking goes too. She didn't seem like that type, but everyone does stupid **** when they drink, I know that myself.

But that makes me want to break NC and talk to her about it, in order to find out the truth. Maybe I can forgive her if she's showing remorse.

And I don't mean confront her in anger, I've been through the worst before and I'm just not an angry person.

 

How do you know she hooked up with some guy when she was drunk?

[DrSleepy]

How do you know she hooked up with some guy when she was drunk?

 

I don't. I just have suspicions.

We kept in touch under most of the trip, then she went quiet, when she gets back she added some guy on facebook who also was on that trip (they were like a hundred), then later hid that she added him...

Her breaking up with me just came out of the blue, at least for me.

We never fought or annoyed each other.

 

I know this is pretty weak, and I doubt confronting her will lead to anything but more lies if that's the case... somewhere in my mind I'm thinking to myself that maybe if the truth got out, and maybe if I can forgive her and she wants me, maybe we can start over.

Part of me knows that's a lot of wishful thinking. I'm having a hard time thinking straight right now.

[Chi townD]

 

I know this is pretty weak, and I doubt confronting her will lead to anything but more lies if that's the case... somewhere in my mind I'm thinking to myself that maybe if the truth got out, and maybe if I can forgive her and she wants me, maybe we can start over.

Part of me knows that's a lot of wishful thinking. I'm having a hard time thinking straight right now.

 

 

I wouldn't even try. If things did go down the way we think it did, then we can assume that her mind frame is that if she was able to betray you, then she obviously wasn't in love with you.

 

Just move on. Talking to her won't do any good. It's like you looking for closure. You're never going to get it. She needed to demonize you in her head in order to pull the trigger and break up with you.

 

Therefore, if you go to her now, all you'll hear is what YOU did wrong and how the break up was YOUR fault because you didn't do this that or the other. Thus, making you feel worse in the end.

 

But, just remember, you were talking during the trip, then out of nowhere, she stops talking to you. The day she gets back, she breaks up with you. She then adds some guy on her Facebook which, normally, isn't a big deal. But, then goes ahead and tries to hide him. Apparently he's someone worth the trouble to try and hide.

 

So, if it walks like a duck and acts like a duck......you get the rest.

 

Remember, you want to talk to her. I say actions speak louder than words. You see what actions she's taking, what are words going to change? Even if you did find out she hooked up with this dude and you confront her with it. Do you know what she'll tell you? No? Okay, I'll tell you what she'll say. "He isn't the reason why we broke up." Uh huh......yeah...right....

 

Just move on. I have a feeling that when you don't show up at the event and you've blocked her on Facebook (which you need to do) she's going to get curious. Possibly wondering if you know something. And she might reach out to you. Throw you a breadcrumb and see where your head is at. The hard for you here is to IGNORE IT!!!!

 

Remember, she made the choice to have you out of her life. You give her exactly what she's asking for. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all.

[Zahara]

I don't. I just have suspicions.

We kept in touch under most of the trip, then she went quiet, when she gets back she added some guy on facebook who also was on that trip (they were like a hundred), then later hid that she added him...

Her breaking up with me just came out of the blue, at least for me.

We never fought or annoyed each other.

 

I know this is pretty weak, and I doubt confronting her will lead to anything but more lies if that's the case... somewhere in my mind I'm thinking to myself that maybe if the truth got out, and maybe if I can forgive her and she wants me, maybe we can start over.

Part of me knows that's a lot of wishful thinking. I'm having a hard time thinking straight right now.

 

See how you create scenarios in your head to justify contact?

 

You don't know that she was drunk when she did the deed yet you somehow penned it down as if that's the way it happened -- because you are finding ways to make contact or somehow excuse her behavior.

 

Forgive her? So, you want to chase her for the truth so that you can forgive her? That makes no sense. Forgive her when SHE approaches you with remorse and when she is asking for forgiveness. You cleary are not thinking straight.

[DrSleepy]

...

Just move on. I have a feeling that when you don't show up at the event and you've blocked her on Facebook (which you need to do) she's going to get curious. Possibly wondering if you know something. And she might reach out to you. Throw you a breadcrumb and see where your head is at. The hard for you here is to IGNORE IT!!!!

 

Remember, she made the choice to have you out of her life. You give her exactly what she's asking for. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all.

 

...

Forgive her? So, you want to chase her for the truth so that you can forgive her? That makes no sense. Forgive her when SHE approaches you with remorse and when she is asking for forgiveness. You cleary are not thinking straight.

 

You're both right... I'm not gonna chase her for the truth.

I should remove her from facebook too, I guess... I haven't done that because I didn't want to seem bitter, but I can't go about this half-measure style.

She insisted that she wanted to remain friends, and I told her right away that was out of the question.

 

That party would have been a nice place to rebound though.

Is it really a bad idea to go there though, party, have fun, let some of the girls that have been hitting on me have their way and pretend she doesn't exist?

I could be underestimating how much it will suck seeing her for the first time since she dumped me though.

[Zahara]

Removing someone from FB is about self-preservation. It has nothing to do with bitterness.

 

First of all, rebound is a bad idea. It never works in your favor and neither is it fair to someone else.

 

It is a bad idea to go to the party because pretending doesn't take away the hurt and pain no matter how many women are clamouring on you when your heart is pining for only one. You are setting yourself up for failure. And she WILL exist when you know she's in the same room as you are.

 

Been there, done that. Brainwashed myself. The aftermath made me feel like crap. Imagine leaving the party, driving home in your own silence and all you can visualize in that silence is your ex, her hair, her dress and realizing you're going home without her. Don't do it.

[DrSleepy]

Removing someone from FB is about self-preservation. It has nothing to do with bitterness.

 

First of all, rebound is a bad idea. It never works in your favor and neither is it fair to someone else.

 

It is a bad idea to go to the party because pretending doesn't take away the hurt and pain no matter how many women are clamouring on you when your heart is pining for only one. You are setting yourself up for failure. And she WILL exist when you know she's in the same room as you are.

 

Been there, done that. Brainwashed myself. The aftermath made me feel like crap. Imagine leaving the party, driving home in your own silence and all you can visualize in that silence is your ex, her hair, her dress and realizing you're going home without her. Don't do it.

 

You're right, damn... thanks. Starting this thread was a good idea.

I'll remove her from facebook tonight. I should block her too, since we have so many mutual friends, she'll be popping up everywhere...

I'll meet up with the freshmen for the afterparty.

I'll say a simple "hi" if she greets me in the hall or whatever some day.

I'm going to move on with my life without her now.

She wasn't that great, apparently.

[Zahara]

You're right, damn... thanks. Starting this thread was a good idea.

I'll remove her from facebook tonight. I should block her too, since we have so many mutual friends, she'll be popping up everywhere...

I'll meet up with the freshmen for the afterparty.

I'll say a simple "hi" if she greets me in the hall or whatever some day.

I'm going to move on with my life without her now.

She wasn't that great, apparently.

 

Good idea. Plan to meet up with your friends somewhere else and have a fun night.

 

And if you bump into her, see her, just quick hi -- no need to go out of your way. Is he asks to be friends, it would be best to decline because most time dumpers do that to alleviate guilt. If he wants to be friends then he probably has forgotten what I did and I'm all good. You have other friends, ones that you can rely and depend on.

 

You're going to get through this. It's going to be hard but know that it will pass. Just keep busy, stay NC and keep pushing through.

[DrSleepy]

Good idea. Plan to meet up with your friends somewhere else and have a fun night.

 

And if you bump into her, see her, just quick hi -- no need to go out of your way. Is he asks to be friends, it would be best to decline because most time dumpers do that to alleviate guilt. If he wants to be friends then he probably has forgotten what I did and I'm all good. You have other friends, ones that you can rely and depend on.

 

You're going to get through this. It's going to be hard but know that it will pass. Just keep busy, stay NC and keep pushing through.

 

Thanks for the advice, this thread has been a huge help.

[charliemorgan]

Good idea. Plan to meet up with your friends somewhere else and have a fun night.

 

And if you bump into her, see her, just quick hi -- no need to go out of your way. Is he asks to be friends, it would be best to decline because most time dumpers do that to alleviate guilt. If he wants to be friends then he probably has forgotten what I did and I'm all good. You have other friends, ones that you can rely and depend on.

 

You're going to get through this. It's going to be hard but know that it will pass. Just keep busy, stay NC and keep pushing through.

 

I agree with you about to meet up with your friends and relatives who doesn't know her instead of going to party. It's best way to forget her from your life.

[mikelongtolt]

Hey everyone, new here, I'll try to make this short!

I need advice about no contact, since I will inevitably bump into my ex soon.

 

I (25m) met the girl of my dreams (22f) when I moved to another city to study.

She's one year ahead of me and in the brief 4 months we've had together she became the first girl I ever considered to marry and have kids with.

That joy didn't last long, the very day she came back from a skiing trip she broke up with me, saying that she wasn't in love with me anymore.

I immediately started no contact, and have resisted all urges to talk to her, I already know that begging or seeking resolution will do me no good.

I suspect it's the "grass is greener" syndrome since she said I wasn't "right" for her, or that she met someone on her trip.

Either way, I don't need to tell you guys how I feel, you've all been there.

My problem is that we're both active in the same student organization, and this weekend she's working at this party for the newcomers.

I'm supposed to go there and support the freshmen I've been handling, but it's only been about 11 days since we broke up!

I trust in my ability to put on a brave face and act as if nothing ever happened, I'll just ignore her as much as possible while still being civil if I'll go, but the thing is that I'd do just about anything to have her change her mind about me.

Should I skip going to the event, or just face the inevitable a bit too early and face this head on?

People will be disappointed if I don't go, what do you guys think?

I have so many questions and every now and then I want to tell her that I love her, and that it hurts to wake up every morning knowing I'll never see her perfect face in bed next to me again... but I know that talking to her like that would be stupid if she's truly gotten tired of me.

If she tries to talk to me about the break-up, should I be honest like that or just say as little as possible?

 

TLDR; It's only been 11 days since I got dumped and did NC, but I can't avoid bumping into her through my social life, should I put everything on hold to avoid her at all costs for the coming month or just carry on and face the music?

 

Any support or perspective is appreciated!

T

Go only if you are ready.

 

Its good to show her that u are not affected by the break up and have the strong character to proceed with life despite what had happened betwn the two of u. That is courage and tht is character. If u can't avoid bumping into her, be cordial just a quick acknowledgment with a sincere smile or just a simple 'hey, nice meeting u' and don't stop to make conversations unless its about work or business. Tht will make u look mature and attractive.

 

Anyhow, only do tht if u are comfortable, otherwise it is better to avoid going there coz it will bring out the worst in u and thts not attractive to others whp might have respect for u.

 

Good luck my friend.

[DrSleepy]

Go only if you are ready.

 

Its good to show her that u are not affected by the break up and have the strong character to proceed with life despite what had happened betwn the two of u. That is courage and tht is character. If u can't avoid bumping into her, be cordial just a quick acknowledgment with a sincere smile or just a simple 'hey, nice meeting u' and don't stop to make conversations unless its about work or business. Tht will make u look mature and attractive.

 

Anyhow, only do tht if u are comfortable, otherwise it is better to avoid going there coz it will bring out the worst in u and thts not attractive to others whp might have respect for u.

 

Good luck my friend.

 

I'd like to do that, and I'm sure I could pretend, but like others in this thread made me realize, I'd just be suppressing a lot of emotion right now.

It hasn't even been two weeks and I bet she will look stunning as always...

This morning when I woke up, I wasn't that sad about it, I was more angry than anything else... still fantasized about confronting her before I snapped out of it.

I have some way to go before I'm indifferent.

 

I'm still asking myself what to do if she initiates contact? If she wonders why I removed her from facebook or asks how I'm doing... should I say that I think she's being dishonest with me?

[mikelongtolt]

I'd like to do that, and I'm sure I could pretend, but like others in this thread made me realize, I'd just be suppressing a lot of emotion right now.

It hasn't even been two weeks and I bet she will look stunning as always...

This morning when I woke up, I wasn't that sad about it, I was more angry than anything else... still fantasized about confronting her before I snapped out of it.

I have some way to go before I'm indifferent.

 

I'm still asking myself what to do if she initiates contact? If she wonders why I removed her from facebook or asks how I'm doing... should I say that I think she's being dishonest with me?

yeah...tht is a tough one...but take ur time to heal, as much time as u need....

 

if she does ask about the her removal frm ur fb, coming from a neutral point of view i will have the following options:

1. I rather not talk about it just yet

2. I just needed space to figure things out

3. Or I think u were being dishonest with me

 

I wouldn't opt for the third one coz it puts her in a defensive mode and tht might not end pretty for u

 

If she ask how are u doing, u may opt just to reply doing fine and hope u are too...then just excuse urself and leave.

 

Anyhow, if u think both the above doesn't sound right, then perhaps u might wanna continue staying nc with her till u can be indifferent.

 

If i may add, try not to over glorify her attractiveness nor think less about urself during this process...yes its tough...but tough times never last, tough people do!

 

Take care.

[DrSleepy]

yeah...tht is a tough one...but take ur time to heal, as much time as u need....

 

if she does ask about the her removal frm ur fb, coming from a neutral point of view i will have the following options:

1. I rather not talk about it just yet

2. I just needed space to figure things out

3. Or I think u were being dishonest with me

 

I wouldn't opt for the third one coz it puts her in a defensive mode and tht might not end pretty for u

 

If she ask how are u doing, u may opt just to reply doing fine and hope u are too...then just excuse urself and leave.

 

Anyhow, if u think both the above doesn't sound right, then perhaps u might wanna continue staying nc with her till u can be indifferent.

 

If i may add, try not to over glorify her attractiveness nor think less about urself during this process...yes its tough...but tough times never last, tough people do!

 

Take care.

 

Yeah, I should know all these things already...

I'm just not myself right now...

She's gone from facebook, so all that's left is to ignore her in a mature way.

Thanks for all the reality-slaps.

[DrSleepy]

So last night I met some people that were on the same trip as her.

They didn't single her out but said that her plus the entire group fooled around with some guys.

I really dont want to hold this in, I want to confront her!

Screw that about her squirming out of it, really. Like I said, I'm going to see her sooner or later!

The party I want to go to that she's at is tonight.

Why shouldn't I confront her when people's talking about it anyway?

I'm thinking I can go NC with more determination after talking to her.

Is this another horrible idea?

[DrSleepy]

So last night I met some people that were on the same trip as her.

They didn't single her out but said that her plus the entire group fooled around with some guys.

I really dont want to hold this in, I want to confront her!

Screw that about her squirming out of it, really. Like I said, I'm going to see her sooner or later!

The party I want to go to that she's at is tonight.

Why shouldn't I confront her when people's talking about it anyway?

I'm thinking I can go NC with more determination after talking to her.

Is this another horrible idea?

 

I have no idea what I was thinking here I'm usually such a calm and collected guy who thinks things through, but ever since the break up I get these irrational thoughts I have to fight. I'm such a mess!

 

Here's what happened anyway; I did go to the party last night.

I had just the right amount of alcohol in me to not care that she was there, and I had a great time actually.

I had a big circle of friends there that kept me occupied, I met new people, all that jazz.

I was my old extroverted self again, the life of the party if I may say so myself!

Our eyes met a few times, but I broke contact quickly before she did and didn't see much of her. She actually looked quite sad.

At one point as I was walking past the bar she was working in she put on a big smile and said hi to me, but I kept walking like a douche...

I know I came off as immature, but I just don't have it in me to pretend that we can be friends like she wanted.

 

All in all, going there wasn't such a bad idea, and I think I came out of it a little bit stronger and confident. I still miss her and she's on my mind, but it was much better than hiding away and feeding the depression.

I realized that I still have strong feelings for her, but since it's impossible to not bump into her, the healing is gonna be slow.

It still sucks, but at the same time it feels good to know that she hasn't crippled me.

I'm not sure if there's anything to discuss anymore here with you all, but writing down my thoughts has a good effect on me in this process.

For those who bothered to read, thanks

[Trep]

Just remember what she did on her ski trip with those guys every time you're thinking of contacting her because you miss her and that should snap you right out of it

 

Sounds like you're doing great anyway, keep up the good work!

[DrSleepy]

Just remember what she did on her ski trip with those guys every time you're thinking of contacting her because you miss her and that should snap you right out of it

 

Sounds like you're doing great anyway, keep up the good work!

 

Yeah, I'm doing better and better, even though I still miss her.

It's so hard to see myself falling for another girl, but then I remind myself that I thought the same the last time I got dumped.

The only thing I'd really like now is to have a friendly talk with her to explain that being friends isn't going to work (so much for "friendly talk") and that there's rumors going around, she should watch out for being labelled.

And to be convinced that she's never coming back, but it's so hard to see myself asking that question without looking awfully desperate.

We got about 5 more years of bumping into each other at school and at events... no matter what she did, she's not a bad person, just human and I can't keep treating her like air.

[Trep]

Yeah, I'm doing better and better, even though I still miss her.

It's so hard to see myself falling for another girl, but then I remind myself that I thought the same the last time I got dumped.

The only thing I'd really like now is to have a friendly talk with her to explain that being friends isn't going to work (so much for "friendly talk") and that there's rumors going around, she should watch out for being labelled.

And to be convinced that she's never coming back, but it's so hard to see myself asking that question without looking awfully desperate.

We got about 5 more years of bumping into each other at school and at events... no matter what she did, she's not a bad person, just human and I can't keep treating her like air.

 

There is no need for the friendly talk to let her know being friends isn't going to work. NC and ignoring her will be sufficient enough to let her know you don't want to be friends. When you can 110% say you are definitely over her, then and only then should you speak to her, and even then it should only be after she initiates contact).

 

I know since you're a naturally nice guy that you don't want to be mean towards her and want to make sure she's alright but the bottom line is, you have to put yourself first. The more you associate with her the longer and harder it will be for you to move forward.

[DrSleepy]

There is no need for the friendly talk to let her know being friends isn't going to work. NC and ignoring her will be sufficient enough to let her know you don't want to be friends. When you can 110% say you are definitely over her, then and only then should you speak to her, and even then it should only be after she initiates contact).

 

I know since you're a naturally nice guy that you don't want to be mean towards her and want to make sure she's alright but the bottom line is, you have to put yourself first. The more you associate with her the longer and harder it will be for you to move forward.

 

Yeah, me bringing up the relationship or breakup in any way is a bad idea.

It's awful, but I will need to see more of her in the near future.

I'm mentally preparing myself to be able to say hi this time.

Last time I must've come off as hurt by ignoring her attempt, and I don't want her, or anyone to see that.

I will not break NC, at the same time it's hard to ignore my urge

to win her back.

Not by breaking NC or telling her directly, but by being my usual casual, confident self around her. Mind that I don't know for sure that she cheated.

I'm moving on in a way, I'm getting dates and my life is back.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, me bringing up the relationship or breakup in any way is a bad idea.

It's awful, but I will need to see more of her in the near future.

I'm mentally preparing myself to be able to say hi this time.

Last time I must've come off as hurt by ignoring her attempt, and I don't want her, or anyone to see that.

I will not break NC, at the same time it's hard to ignore my urge

to win her back.

Not by breaking NC or telling her directly, but by being my usual casual, confident self around her. Mind that I don't know for sure that she cheated.

I'm moving on in a way, I'm getting dates and my life is back.

 

 

Don't worry that you snubbed her when she said "Hi" to you. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she hurt you. It's okay to feel hurt and it's okay to let her see that she hurt you and that you are angry. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BE!!

 

But, I would strongly recommend that you stay away from her and do NC as best you can.

[DrSleepy]

Don't worry that you snubbed her when she said "Hi" to you. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she hurt you. It's okay to feel hurt and it's okay to let her see that she hurt you and that you are angry. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BE!!

 

But, I would strongly recommend that you stay away from her and do NC as best you can.

 

When I woke up today, I actually felt different about her.

I remembered the times she said she didn't have time to see me and I recall how I thought to myself that "if you really cared about me, you'd find time", but I pushed those thoughts away and didn't want to sound needy.

I was actually worried half of the time throughout our relationship that she wasn't that into me, now that I think about it.

I just didn't want to see it, and whenever we actually met, all those thoughts melted away.

I'll just start again, with someone who can match my feelings better.

In fact, there's a few cute girls around school that I connect with.

I know rebounding is not recommended either, but between seeing her with someone else and being the first to move on - I think I'll choose to be the first to try again.

I guess I have the NC to thank for the new perspective. And you guys and girls of course!