Ex has cancelled drinks three times now...I am done....I think!

[Mr. Gullible]

Hello All,

 

Me again. I have been trying to get together with an ex just for a drink...maybe an hour or two. After a few aborted attempts, I feel that I have to stop asking. Although she did have a very good excuse this time, I can't help but feel that if she did want to see me, she could find a couple of hours in her week to get together. When I have asked in the past, she has always seemed very excited to see me, then I sense the cold feet and finds a reason to cancel. Once, she asked to go to a Christmas party with me on a Friday night and then cancelled on Monday morning. She said she forgot a prior commentment. She seemed sincere, so I assume she is not lying. My motivation in seeing her is to see if we can be friends, which I think I can handle, and also to see if there is any spark left. She broke up with me after 3 months after a wonderful weekend...she has self-esteem issues, as do I. I am a bit older and have dealt with much but I guess I hate in her what I hate in myself. I used to behave the way she is with women because I thought I was not good enough or had enough to offer. I let a few good ones go. If we fought a lot or had a big blowout, then it would be no big deal. If she left me for another guy...ok...a reason. But she has not. Her reson was that she "just could not do this right now" She has become a workoholic and I believe is drinking too much. When she left, I called her on her bull****...I knew she was in love, as was I. She never denied it, she never denied anything I said.

So...I feel that I cannot ask any longer. I have tried to be the bigger person and leave the door open for at the very least a friendship. I have managed, in the past to be good friends with ex's. I feel it is time to move on and not have any contact with her and I am not sure how to handle it if she tries to contact me. I am kinda mad and meeting her now might be uncomfortable for me. I am a bit mad that she wants to and seems excited to see me and then flakes. It is fear? Will is stur up old feeling in her? It has been 4 months sinse we saw each other last and have had only e-mail contact. If she had moved on, you would think is easier to see me. Although I would be somewhat nervous, I am excited to se her.

 

I feel painted into a corner....what would you do? Oh yeah...I am still in love.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Mr. Gullible

Hello All,

 

Me again. I have been trying to get together with an ex just for a drink...maybe an hour or two.

 

I feel painted into a corner....what would you do? Oh yeah...I am still in love.

 

Examine you motive for being friends with her. This is so you can get her back and she knows it. I do not recommend being friends with ex's.

 

She's been lying thru her teeth with the reasons she gave you. You don't just remember a "prior commitment" out of the blue. Women are excellent at maintaining their social calendars.

 

I would forget her and move on. The longer you dwell on this woman the harder it will be to find someone new.

[Mr. Gullible]

I have examined my reasons. They are several. I admit that I am still in love with her. But that does not change the fact that she has more than a few issues that would get in the way of any relationship, including ours. I do want to see her in person to see how it feels...it might make it easier for me to move on...she may be a raging bitch! Another reason is that we share common friends and she works for a friend and next to my biggest client. I have gone to great lengths to avoid her, which is childish. I need to be able to interact with her and I would rather not just run into her. It would be very awkward and I would rather it be just us at first. If it is just for a bit of closure then I am willing to try. Being dumped after having such a good time and for no other reason than fear of opening up is a bitter pill to swallow. I need something other than I am scared.

 

And yes, part of me wants her to ask me back so that I can dump on her so she can feel like I have. I would be lying if I said I have not thought about it once or twice. I would not do that, because I have before and that is not right. And finally, we really did like each other. We had a great deal of fun with each other. She is deep down just a scared woman that allows others to influence her actions. It is easy to just walk away from someone that you shared something special with. I have been dumped before and it was never a problem. She is different, and I can't really explain why. I overcame many issues that she will be faced with...it is that understanding that makes it harder to walk. In fact, I hate in her what I hated in myself for years. I pushed a few keepers away because I was stupid and nobody challenged me. My jealous friends would just feed my ego and it was all their faults. Time to grow up. It is not a case of "she is just not that into me", not at all. It is a case of I am so into you that I can not handle it. I was a challenge to her and her dysfunctional way of life. I feel like challenging her even if she ends up with another man.

 

Relationships are very complex animals and when the ego allows you to make certain decisions...they are usually misguided and do more harm than good.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Mr. Gullible

Time to grow up. It is not a case of "she is just not that into me", not at all. It is a case of I am so into you that I can not handle it.

 

A man should never, ever be so "into" a woman that he cannot handle it. This is when he starts to make bad decisions and comes off as desperate and pathetic.

[Mr. Gullible]

No, I think you misunderstood...she was into me, and she could not handle it. Although it was hard, I have a new business to run and a life that did not include her yet. I have been out on dates with others. Sorry if I was vague.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by alphamale

She's been lying thru her teeth with the reasons she gave you. You don't just remember a "prior commitment" out of the blue. Women are excellent at maintaining their social calendars.

 

 

While I'm not a very social person at all, so my calendar is never "busy", I do agree with AM. Women generally don't forget engagements. If she's canceled three times already, she really doesn't want to see you. If I had to guess she's only agreeing so she doesn't have to deal with your disappointment on the phone and wants to bypass any emotional response you may give. By canceling she's giving you a message, and one I've given many times, she really doesn't want to see you.

 

It really would be a good idea to try and move on and meet some new people.

[magda]

If you ask me, she fed you a line. It seems like you're assuming a lot of things about her.

 

She never denied it, she never denied anything I said.

She didn't confirm it, either.

 

People who actually love other people don't avoid seeing them. If she wanted to see you, she'd recognize that she canceled so many dates and suggest new dates herself. She hasn't? Then take that for the message it is.

[Mr. Gullible]

To Pocky,

 

That is the part that confuses me. We have not spoken on the phone, just through e-mail and they are never "I want you back" e-mails. As for her canceling, she works for a friend and I know why she has canceled...she really was working late, in a recording studio where you just can't leave until the job is done. we are both in the movie business and that kind of thing happens all of the time. I do often.

 

I though that as well and asked a friend, the friend who set us up in the first place. I asked if she was just being nice and really did not want to see me. Her friend said that she did want to see me. Her friend would not bull**** me, she would tell it like it is.

 

She is always friendly and seems excited when I do contact her via e-mail. She is an awful liar and if she did not want to see me, she would at the very least, send me an e-mail telling me so.

[Pocky]

So wait for her to email you and reschedule. If she doesn't, then you've got your answer.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Mr. Gullible

We have not spoken on the phone, just through e-mail

 

She is always friendly and seems excited when I do contact her via e-mail.

 

 

boy this woman is so into you that she only corresponds by e-mail. Wow. Actually, I hate to say it but from what you wrote she is just being nice to you and does not want to hurt yer feelings, but hey man, read the writing on the wall. She is not interested, period.

[Mr. Gullible]

You know this same thing happened to me 10 years ago. Met a woman, fell in love and I chose to end it after a few months. I had very good reasons to end it. Then we tried again and she ended it. After a few months she tried very hard to get me back, but I had moved on by then. But, we did manage to become and stay very good friends to this day. Yes, we did fool around on and off for years, but only when we were both single and it was never more than that.

 

Why do women want you back after you move on, even when they dump you? It has happened 3 out of 4 times.

[Mr. Gullible]

To Alphamale,

 

No contact has it's merits...I have not called her either.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Mr. Gullible

Why do women want you back after you move on, even when they dump you? It has happened 3 out of 4 times.

 

- females compete with each other for men

- ego

- realizing what u lost

- challenge

- can't stand thought of u with another woman

- # of other reasons

 

it's human nature to want what you cannot have.

[Mr. Gullible]

All very good points...

[jellybean]

Dear Mr Delusional...errr...I mean...*cough* Mr Gullible,

 

This precise scenario is happening to me right now!

 

The guy pursuing me is exactly as you are describing yourself, and I am behaving the same as the woman you are describing.

 

Why? I'll tell you why : because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HIM.

 

I do not wish to hurt his feelings because he's a really nice guy...I know it's shi**y, but this is how some women choose to handle it.

[Mr. Gullible]

Jellybean,

 

Why can't you just tell him. I would love the truth. It is not nearly as bad as having you do what you are doing. You are hurting him more. And when he moves on, will you chase him again? Why did you guys split?

[Mr. Gullible]

Jellybean,

 

Why can't you just tell him. I would love the truth. It is not nearly as bad as having you do what you are doing. You are hurting him more. And when he moves on, will you chase him again? Why did you guys split?

[magda]

I've done it to guys before and I'll tell you why: because I felt guilty. Maybe because I led him on to believe I loved him when I didn't - or when I changed my mind just as quickly. I didn't want him to be mad because I let him believe things about how I felt that weren't true, so I just tried to blow him off.

 

The reason we let things continue like that is because we feel like guys should recognize our "hints". When we don't call back a number of times we can blame it on him for not "getting it". He should realize we don't want to see him and so we don't have to tell him - it's his fault for not getting it and we are not guilty. That's pretty much how I thought about it back in my rude days.

[Mr. Gullible]

Magda,

 

Have you ever regretted letting one go and did you try and get him back at some point?

 

Oh yeah...the truth has power...we CAN handle the truth.

[magda]

It's about US not being about to handle the truth. We know the truth makes us look stupid.

 

I've lied to guys before, let them think I loved them, that I loved them back. But it wasn't deep enough - maybe I just wanted the relationship to make me feel good about myself for a little while - "yep, still got it" and then suddenly realized the guy annoys me or will never be someone I love and feel like an ass because he's after all a nice guy but I totally led him to believe I loved him - I tricked myself into believing it, too. Fools rush in.. I do appreciate the fact that he loves me and don't want him to stop. The fact that he thinks I'm special is what I like about him.

 

Once I've decided I didn't want someone, I've never looked back. I have been able to remain friends with my exes, for the most part, and there was that little twinge of jealousy when he found someone knew (if *I* hadn't found someone new, that is) but I never tried to start again for anything other than friendship. Once a guy started to get on my nerves, there was no going back.

 

Actually, I'm currently engaged to someone who was once my ex, though, but that is a long story. We broke up because of specific problems (his alcoholism) and when we were both once again able to be in long term relationships (his recovery) we got back together.

[Mr. Gullible]

Magda,

 

Thank you for your candor. This particular woman has me confused. I have known her for sometime. Unless I am a complete idiot, I do believe she was way into me. I feel that she left because I challanged her to grow, not because she was not that into it or got tired of it. I was her first serious "relationship" in over 2 years and has been very hurt buy men and a have to assume some, no a lot of child abuse. She dumped me after a positively fantastic weekend. She said that "we have a good thing going" and that she "was so happy" to be with me. She also poened up sexually that weekend. The first time I got her off, she hoped up and ran out of my house. She was frightened by something.

 

Any idea what that was about?

[jellybean]

Originally posted by Mr. Gullible

Jellybean,

 

Why can't you just tell him. I would love the truth. It is not nearly as bad as having you do what you are doing. You are hurting him more. And when he moves on, will you chase him again? Why did you guys split?

 

This isn't the ex I talk about in my posts, this guy is the previous ex - now trying to make a reappearance in my life.

 

It's simple - he's always had deep feelings for me, but I will never be able to reciprocate.

 

I never contact him...what's with you guys? that should be a strong enough hint that a woman is not interested, and/or has other stuff going on in her life.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by jellybean

I never contact him...what's with you guys? that should be a strong enough hint that a woman is not interested, and/or has other stuff going on in her life.

 

A minority of female are pretty good about being direct and open in their communications. Most are not. The majority of women are indirect, beat around the bush and will say outright lies to avoid a confrontation or hurting someones "feelings".

 

Your are correct JELLYBEAN, men need to learn how most women communicate and women need to learn to be a little bit more forth coming.

[magda]

Mr. Gullible, I can only guess that she felt pressured by you before she trusted you.

[Mr. Gullible]

Magda,

 

That may be it....I was moving fast, but to a certain extent, I was following her lead. I understood she has some issues with trust. We spent a couple of weeks apart, one of them I was out of town. When I returned, she was very agressive in her pursuit of me, and I went with it full force. She did really like it, she was great, we were having the time of our lives, then she walled up and went away. Just like that...no fight with each other, just panic in her voice. But I could tell she was fighting something in her head before hand.