Musing Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) I have been NC for a little over a month now, and feel like I am struggling more than ever. I have had breakups initiated by me, or the other person. But one quite like this is different for me, mainly because .. - I broke up my other long term relationships - I actually have feelings for this one. Other times I was dumped in my life I felt more like a hit to my ego than genuine pain or loss. - I have to be at the place where we spent all of out time together, everyday. So I can't avoid my triggers. I realize I really did not go into my story when I signed up. So I'll tell it now since I'm not a blubbering mess. We dated a little over a year. We met in one of my classes last year. It was my first year at the school and his second. I am a nontraditional college student, being a few years older than most (mid 20's) At the time I met my ex, I was 23 and he was 19. I was actually in a relationship when we first met, and my mind was not in the whole "I'm looking" mindset. I sat in my first class of my first semester at this college. I'm kind of excited about my new surroundings. I see two guys walk in, one looks at me. I just nonchalantly look at them as they sit down, and the one does a double take at me and eventually shoots me a smile and gives me a compliment. The other introduces himself, and the guy that was checking me out does the same. I got my ego stroked because these two guys, one in particular, were so friendly. After class, I was walking out of class and they call my name. And Mr. Flirty guy starts talking to me. I'm standoffish so I was polite and made conversation but wanted to get back to my room. I saw this same guy checking me out in class weeks afterwards and he came up to me one more time at a meeting. But for the most part it was more like "ah, I still got it" and went on with my routine. A few months later and a few months of being single, I found myself sitting in my lecture with my friend. I was bored just looking around when HE caught my eye. "Oh my God, who is this beautiful guy?!" I wondered for a split second.. My heart fell out of my chest from beating so hard, it seems. Have you ever felt something that powerful? It's like my endorphins went into over drive. I've never felt this before, even with prior boyfriends. I felt like I had to talk to him, no questions asked. It was a huge pull to him, is all I can explain. Lo and behold, it's Mr. Flirty. I'm not sure what happened in my brain but I felt stupid for not taking his advances before. I beat myself up over it. But I digress, I was not in the frame of mind at that time. Now, all I wanted to do was be next to this guy. And so it was. After trying to stalk him for a few days but being defeated (he had not social networking accts) I finally "grew the cajones" to talk to him. We talked for a bit after class and exchanged numbers and that's how it all started. We didn't start dating officially for two months. He said he really liked me but didn't want a title, to take is slow, etc. So for a few months that's what we did. I eventually asked a few months later "So what are we?" That's how we made it official. He told me of his past RS, somewhat - he didn't have many. The ones he had were mostly online. There were girls who liked him but he never went places with them, they were mainly hookups (he used his friend as a way to get out of them on some occasions) We we talked, I found out he was "talking" to someone else he met (online) before me. His reasoning was that this girl had cancer and he felt he was helping her cope, he didn't want to hurt her while she was sick. I found out she "catfished" him. He talked to her after that saying "It's hard not to talk to someone after talking to them every day for a year" (Remember this, it will come up later) despite that she was a totally different person, under age, lyed about everything and was across the country. So I struggled with this. He told this girl that he had a girlfriend. But I always held resentment for him being friends with her at all. He admitted during the BU that it was all stupid. Anyway other than that our relationship was awesome at first. He was sweet but new to actually dating someone who wasn't online. I didn't understand why, he's so attractive to me. But he never sought out a RS in college nor felt the need to. People were surprised when he told them he actually had a girlfriend. We hung out a lot, sex was pretty good, he and I had a a lot in common in terms of lifestyle and political views and opinions. We clashed on musical tastes and sometimes his being younger than me was annoying because he was into slang or trends I didn't get, and thought were stupid. But to me that kind of thing took a backseat to what we did have in common. We were in sync with most stuff. And we met each others' friends and family and got along. In the summer, I broke my foot and he took care of me, we went out and he carried me...it was adorable. I look back in fondness...but a month later he came to my house and was off. He told me he felt confused, he couldn't marry his first girlfriend, etc. I suggested a break until school started back up and he agreed. He felt happy about this, saying "I want to be able to miss you" We laughed and kissed and hugged a lot before he drove away that night...he waved and left. I chalked this up to him losing those butterflies (We were about 6mos in) 3.5 weeks NC later, I cracked. I wanted to know what was going on with us. He told me he missed me, wanted to surprise me with flowers, but his parents urged him not to contact me until school. It seems they, like my parents and everyone here, believe in not contacting ex's (or in this case, gf during a 'break') They are pretty smart people. And he's close to them, so I see why he listened. So then we see each other when school started up. I was elated! We both were, we really did miss each other. I spent the night at his place and it was amazing. But as the semester started moving, I felt paranoid he'd want a break again. He wasn't his cute self like he was before the break. I'd confronted him about this a couple of times, once he said "I like you, but sometimes I think about being single" I asked him if he wanted to do another break, he said he didn't want another break. So we continued on for several months. They weren't terrible, he was still sweet and would see me at school and we'd spend certain days together and went on dates. But in my mind, I was upset. In those months, I was always getting frustrated. He'd always put his friends first and do things with them I wish he'd do for me. I felt like I was on the back burner. He'd always be high. I didn't complain because it was him doing his "college" thing, he didn't like partying (neither did I, so I was thankful for this) but he was so sluggish and careless when he was high, and after awhile it took up a lot of his time. I didn't like that he didn't fully treat me like I wanted...I didn't say anything because I knew it was his immaturity, lack of experience in relationships, etc. I thought about breaking up with him many times but never could because he, as a person, I cared too much about and felt pain at the idea of losing him. Sometimes I wonder if I let off negative vibes, though. I knew this was going to happen, I just thought it would've happened before his senior year (since I wouldn't be there) As frustrated as I got, we never fought. So a month ago he came to my house unannounced needed to talk. I knew what this was. A week prior he was being very distant. We spent NYE together but even then he seemed a little off. Weeks before, he was at my house and I asked if he had feelings for me. He said "I don't know, I've never really been in love so I have nothing to compare it to, I don't know what it would feel like" And "I care about you, I want to see where this goes, no rush" etc. I got where he was coming from but as it turns out, this conversation and me talking about all of my friends getting married set the wheels in motion for the breakup. We never said "I love you" because it freaked him out and made things real. He said these words to other girls in the past, but not to me because he didn't feel it with them and it hurt them, and he didn't want to mislead me like he did with them (his words) Anyway, his reasons for breaking up..the first thing he said was "I don't see this ending in a good way" which I interpreted as, (in his view) I want to get married and he doesn't. Again, the "I can't marry my first girlfriend" came up just like the first time, and "I really like you and care about you but I can't give you the relationship you want" I told him I wasn't looking for marriage right now, he said "I know that, but you could next year, you're 24, I don't want to hold you back, I don't know when I'd be ready for that and i don't want to waste your time" and "I don't have a crystal ball, I can't see what the future holds but I don't want to give you false hope" I asked if we could see each other again or if there was a chance, he said "Maybe when I grow up and stop being stupid" We both cried, hugged each other. I said "we can talk again right?" His response was, "well yeah but in time" It hurt to hear these because I feel like if only he were a few years older, we could have been together. I did have feelings for him but I guess he was either confused, or wanted someone else, or not feeling me...or all three. I saw him 3 weeks later at school, he said hello to me. I wasn't even paying attention or saw him. What I get upset about is why he was totally okay talking to someone again who lied to him about her whole identity, but could only say "hey" to me. Am I that forgettable? It made me happy that he acknowledged me, but angry that he can talk to everyone else after splitting with them, but not me. I remain NC.. I miss him a lot. And I do still have hope, although I won't speak to him. I know he needs to grow up, be free, date other girls, but it hurts because I feel like our personalities worked together and a good thing was lost For the record, I would not want to get back into the relationship with him, and not how he is now being as young as he is. The relationship, at the end, sucked for me. There was some relief on my end not having to care about what this kid was doing. That said, it doesn't mean I don't miss him as a person Edited February 6, 2014 by Musing
theonlyjuan Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Just bad timing, wasn't meant to be. If it was a few years later when he is matured it may have worked out. He just needs time to grow up and figure himself out. Timing is everything in life Just take it as it wasn't meant to be, and something better is round the corner. 1
Author Musing Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Just bad timing, wasn't meant to be. If it was a few years later when he is matured it may have worked out. He just needs time to grow up and figure himself out. Timing is everything in life Just take it as it wasn't meant to be, and something better is round the corner. That's a tough pill to swallow. I'm trying though. I feel like the relationship wasn't meant to be, right now. I don't want to go back to that type of juvenile BS I dealt with towards the end. But I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that at this time, in this moment I don't want to try again sometime down the road.
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