longjourney Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 So I have filed papers to D my WH who had an LTA for my entire M, PLUS he had feelings for the OW for YEARS before, even before he and I even met. Sad to say, I am still on the fence about going through with the D, but there is no time rush I am being told. I have been reading all the messages between them during their A. If I didn't know who they were, I would be SO happy for these two in-love, caring affectionate people. Who is this man that was SO affectionate with her?? He was NEVER that way with me, even when we were dating. One of her journal entries talked about how he said to her "God I love you so much, I could kiss you forever". Even when we were first dating in the supposed to be lovey dovey stage he NEVER spoke to me like that. It was all about his sex drive and it was all very grabby if you know what I mean, not much of any verbal mushiness on his part to me. But to her, there are messages upon messages upon journal entries speaking of what he said to her, and yes my WH has confirmed that it is all true. When I ask him why it was not that way EVER with us, he has no explanation. However, he does try now. He is trying to suffocate me now, he is hanging on. But why now??? Because the OW is dedicated to her M, as she and her BH have told us?? I can't take the thoughts running in circles around my head any more. Having a bad day again. :-(
xAkulax Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Sounds like he going for plan b meaning you dont look for it last.
imfine Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Oh honey, that has to hurt. I'm so sorry. Have you asked him if he had the choice, would he be with her instead of you?
ComingInHot Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I'm so sorry that You're going through all of this. One breath at a time sweet lady. One step at a time. Can you go stay with a Fam member with the kids. Surround yourself with the people who you Know love you!! 1
Realist3 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 She was his love. You were his plan B. It happens all the time. Nothing will ever change that. You need to pull up your boot straps and decide what YOU want now. 1
Author longjourney Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 She was his love. You were his plan B. It happens all the time. Nothing will ever change that. You need to pull up your boot straps and decide what YOU want now. This EXACTLY. How do I resolve this? Even though he is saying and doing all the right things now (or at least trying to) I will ALWAYS know in my quiet moments alone that he loves her, misses her and wants to be with her, but he is "sticking" with and "loving" me because he doesn't want to hurt me, does care for me and we have a family. Those are the reasons, and I can't see how I can kid myself. Sure we could have good moments, but....
imfine Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 You deserve more. It's a simple as that. The more you continue the more you will start to feel your self esteem erode. Divorce can be a new beginning for you. An authentic, grab life by horns, go get what you deserve beginning. Your life doesn't sound much like that now. Are you content living the rest of your life like that? 1
Author longjourney Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 You deserve more. It's a simple as that. The more you continue the more you will start to feel your self esteem erode. Divorce can be a new beginning for you. An authentic, grab life by horns, go get what you deserve beginning. Your life doesn't sound much like that now. Are you content living the rest of your life like that? No, I don't think so, but I feel like I tried to do everything to keep our family together. My parents were mad hatters and they stayed together, but then I wonder what that taught me, but to possibly stay after I've been cheated on lied to and disrespected IN MY OWN HOME for YEARS. I am also afraid to leave financially, but our child is my main concern. If not for our child, I would be gone. I am limited due to my illness as far as work goes and I don't know how I would handle my daily activities/chores without my WH. Do I really want to start over in my 40s?? I am in the deficit. But flip side of the coin, I don't think I can see myself ignoring the facts for the rest of our lives, that's why I filed the D papers, to hopefully stay on course when I am feeling scared like I am today. 1
scatterd Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Know this does not mean he loves her more then you. The reason he said those things is because affairs are forbidden and intensifies emotions. Kind of like after you have a fight and have make up sex. You are his wife and the sex is more relaxed, comfortable and based on reality. I know this hurts but he is saying things to her out of the heat of the moment. If you was the one cheating and she was the wife he would be telling you what he does her and treating her the way he does you. The anxiety builds up and is built on fantasy. I know this is so hard I wish you peace and happiness Big Hugs 2
Author longjourney Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Know this does not mean he loves her more then you. The reason he said those things is because affairs are forbidden and intensifies emotions. Kind of like after you have a fight and have make up sex. You are his wife and the sex is more relaxed, comfortable and based on reality. I know this hurts but he is saying things to her out of the heat of the moment. If you was the one cheating and she was the wife he would be telling you what he does her and treating her the way he does you. The anxiety builds up and is built on fantasy. I know this is so hard I wish you peace and happiness Big Hugs Then why was he NEVER that way with me, even when we first started dating, when everything is supposed to be beautiful, sexy and new. He NEVER spoke to me like that, he never told me he could kiss me forever and that he loved me SO much. I don't know how LTA's are not seen for what they are, a love affair that is indeed truth and connected feelings that are not just a matter of saying some words to get validation or to get sex. It is a long standing relationship. I can't just block that out. How does someone do that?
burnside.rose Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I don't know how LTA's are not seen for what they are, a love affair that is indeed truth and connected feelings that are not just a matter of saying some words to get validation or to get sex. It is a long standing relationship. I can't just block that out. How does someone do that? i agree. at some point the fantasy stuff becomes reality in a LTA. I had posted this in your other thread about it. Agree with you.... LTA not equal to ONS. Damn….I wish it was a one night stand or some drunk slip-up. But my wife’s A was a LTA (PA for a year & then an EA for another year). So many layers to the LTA, my wife said I love you to this guy, they had dates & day-trips to places, even business trips together (they were co-workers). The gradual disconnect they have from you is amongst the worst. Slowly bit by bit, they pull away from you (be it emotionally, physically), & get closer to the OP, the communicate more with the OP than you. Eventually you don’t talk or cuddle like you used to. My wife used to pull away when I’d touch her. And through it all, I thought I was doing something wrong. Hearing that she told the OM “I love you” hurt more than the sexual stuff. The LTA is so deep I don’t know how to ever get past it. It’s only been a month for me…I’ve moved from 100% never reconcile to 99% never reconcile. And I don’t know if it goes any further than that. I feel your pain. 1
Author longjourney Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 i agree. at some point the fantasy stuff becomes reality in a LTA. I had posted this in your other thread about it. Agree with you.... LTA not equal to ONS. Damn….I wish it was a one night stand or some drunk slip-up. But my wife’s A was a LTA (PA for a year & then an EA for another year). So many layers to the LTA, my wife said I love you to this guy, they had dates & day-trips to places, even business trips together (they were co-workers). The gradual disconnect they have from you is amongst the worst. Slowly bit by bit, they pull away from you (be it emotionally, physically), & get closer to the OP, the communicate more with the OP than you. Eventually you don’t talk or cuddle like you used to. My wife used to pull away when I’d touch her. And through it all, I thought I was doing something wrong. Hearing that she told the OM “I love you” hurt more than the sexual stuff. The LTA is so deep I don’t know how to ever get past it. It’s only been a month for me…I’ve moved from 100% never reconcile to 99% never reconcile. And I don’t know if it goes any further than that. I feel your pain. burnside, I know you agree with me. I hope you are dealing with the LTA better then I am. Is you WS remorseful? What are the details in your WS's LTA? Is the OP Married as well? Does the OBS know? I hope you are having a good day, better then I am.
burnside.rose Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) burnside, I know you agree with me. I hope you are dealing with the LTA better then I am. Is you WS remorseful? What are the details in your WS's LTA? Is the OP Married as well? Does the OBS know? I hope you are having a good day, better then I am. She goes through periods of remorsefulness then her actions don’t back it. She has not given transparency & has even started a new friendship with another guy (some details here… http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/459010-post-affair-opposite-sex-friends I don’t think I am dealing any better, we sound similar. She was in a PA for over a year with a co-worker, then on and off, then in an EA with him for another 6 months (which I believe was just building back to a PA) when i found out. not quite your case but she loved this man & said I love you to him. Did & shared so many things with him that she never did with me. OP was married but marriage was in trouble. He left his wife during the LTA. Some good days, a lot of really sh*tty days. Edited February 6, 2014 by burnside.rose
excusememister Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 LJ - I'm so sorry for you. As with you and Burnside, my WS was in a LTA. He was dating OW before me and him met; we dated for 4 years and have been married for 6. He never broke it off with her. I never knew about her; she learned of me six months before D-Day It's been 3 months since D-Day and it has been quite a roller-coaster ride for me. I had lunch today with two of my best friends. I hope you have a support system you can lean on. It helps me tremendously! Take care of yourself! 1
Spark1111 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 This EXACTLY. How do I resolve this? Even though he is saying and doing all the right things now (or at least trying to) I will ALWAYS know in my quiet moments alone that he loves her, misses her and wants to be with her, but he is "sticking" with and "loving" me because he doesn't want to hurt me, does care for me and we have a family. Those are the reasons, and I can't see how I can kid myself. Sure we could have good moments, but.... TELL HIM....that you too deserve a man who always told you how much he loved you and how he wanted to kiss you for hours. You still deserve it.....and ALWAYS DID...while you were raising your child, keeping the house, talking care of the extended family, planning the holidays.... And you have a right to decide NOT to decide anything about him and TELL him how ambivalent you feel about HIM and the marriage. because those quiet moments will eat you alive unless he can explain HIS NON-ACTIONS for all those years towards you. You are 100% correct. why weren't you worthy of all his ILYs, romantic overtures, dates? because OF COURSE you were. He can't stay mute NOW. he has to own what he did, yes, but more importantly, he has to know why.....and explain it in a way that makes some sort, any sort, of sense to you! 1
Author longjourney Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 TELL HIM....that you too deserve a man who always told you how much he loved you and how he wanted to kiss you for hours. You still deserve it.....and ALWAYS DID...while you were raising your child, keeping the house, talking care of the extended family, planning the holidays.... And you have a right to decide NOT to decide anything about him and TELL him how ambivalent you feel about HIM and the marriage. because those quiet moments will eat you alive unless he can explain HIS NON-ACTIONS for all those years towards you. You are 100% correct. why weren't you worthy of all his ILYs, romantic overtures, dates? because OF COURSE you were. He can't stay mute NOW. he has to own what he did, yes, but more importantly, he has to know why.....and explain it in a way that makes some sort, any sort, of sense to you! My WH says I DO deserve to be spoken to with loving words, and he is "trying" now, but as I said it doesn't change the facts that this all started with the OW deciding to stay with her BH and sending a NC letter to my WH. So my question is, how can this be good. Yes he has said he is sorry for hurting me, but truth be known I think in his own quietness and in his soul he is sorry he got caught, not sorry he did it. She brought him happiness. I saw his grief when it was over. He told me he was planning on leaving me, that he wasn't happy. For God's sake I have a message from him to her a few days before DDay, where he said to her he went to bed happy the night before (they were together) and he can't remember the last time he felt that way. So yes he is trying to R, he is trying to be a good H to me, but it doesn't change the fact that he loves her. Can he truly squash such deep emotions? Can he continue to deny how he truly feels? And most importantly, if the OW ever changes her mind and contacts my WH, even years from now, my gut is SCREAMING that he will go.
Jonah Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 If he had never done those things and in his heart always loved you truly and you knew him to, it would be just an illusion in your minds. Or if he did actually in his mind love her and not you, that is merely an illusion in his mind and for you to think that he loved her and not you, or even if you think he always loved you and none other, that is illusion either way. For the now, your husband loves you most in this sphere you and he dwell in. Consider the electronic device you are using now, it did not always exist, but it is now, though it won't always be. Such is the love you may have thought or think that you have for your husband and he for you. For where is his cheating heart? It exists only in your mind as you choose to let it be so. When you get to the end of your long journey, perhaps you will choose to let your illusion go.
rumbleseat Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I read this thread and thought I'd bump it up because it really shows how low a bs's self esteem can sink after an A. OP, stop trying to measure your life against his A life, and yourself against his ow. You have things his ow will never have.dignity, respect for others, honesty. She participated in hurting at least two other people, plus your innocent children and her own. Her bs is likely in the same position you are, wondering if she ever really loved him or if it was all a lie. Looking at the source, who knows. It sounds very much like your husband has no idea how much he risked, and that is no reflection on you. It is a reflection on himself and his ability to lie, day after day after day. " love" does not make that okay. He is not someone who is lost, confused or handling a conflict in his marriage in a bad way. He is so done who over a long period of time, told a nearly endless string of lies and was quite cold and calculating about it. As for you being some sort of consolation up prize, that is totally untrue. If anything, a relationship with you is the far better reward. As I said, you are honest, he can trust you, you love him enough to try and put all of this behind you. She didn't love him enough to leave her " safe place" to be with him. Purely from my point of view, that is no great love story, but rather the tale of two cowards. If you want my honest opinion, I would walk away from him, at least for a little whole. Give yourself some time to figure out your life, what you want and if he even deserves to be a part of it. He can still see the kids as much as possible, but if he didn't value his family unit enough to protect it during the affair, then why does he deserve to have it now? You and your kids don't have to be some sort of package deal. I know you love him, and it's hard to hear, but he really is acting like an idiot and walking all over you. If he doesn't really want to be with you, then let him go, and, even better, give his @ss a swift kick on his way out the door,
compulsivedancer Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 If he loved her more, why did he marry you? I don't think you were the consolation prize. I think he was the true cake-eater. He wanted you both and you both fulfill a part of him. Unfortunately that means that neither of you gets all of him, which is why you're seeing a different side of him in his messages, and why she's not willing to leave her husband for you. You deserve so much more. You deserve all of the man that you're with. 2
goodyblue Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I wouldn't waste another minute of time on someone who didn't love me fully, with the passion that I desired from him, the love I deserved. I'd walk. You are the only one who can make this decision. But when you do, KNOW that you deserve to be loved. You do NOT deserve to be loved because the one he wants is busy living life with someone else. I know, I was OW. I sound like a hypocrite. But I truly believe this. I think you deserve better. 3
janedoe67 Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 If he had never done those things and in his heart always loved you truly and you knew him to, it would be just an illusion in your minds. Or if he did actually in his mind love her and not you, that is merely an illusion in his mind and for you to think that he loved her and not you, or even if you think he always loved you and none other, that is illusion either way. For the now, your husband loves you most in this sphere you and he dwell in. Consider the electronic device you are using now, it did not always exist, but it is now, though it won't always be. Such is the love you may have thought or think that you have for your husband and he for you. For where is his cheating heart? It exists only in your mind as you choose to let it be so. When you get to the end of your long journey, perhaps you will choose to let your illusion go. I have no idea what this is supposed to be saying, but if it means she should just be glad he loves her now and get over it... I HEARTILY DISagree. 2
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