lkey Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Please respond friends, I'm losing my mind. In 2009 I discovered my husband had been having an emotional affair for 1 1/2 years. We were married in 2007 so that shows that it was pretty early into the marriage. He would talk to this woman for hours on the phone everyday! and when he was off, or with me and the kids he would text message her dozens of times. He talked to her for 4 hours on Valentine's day while I was working, he sent me flowers to work but I saw on our bank statement that the bill was 172 dollars, I have never seen a dozen roses cost so much? (so I'm assuming he sent her some as well) of course he denies this, he denies any physical relationship, but it doesn't matter because you spent countless days and hours speaking to this woman! I really love him - decided to stay, I became pregnant and was really stressed bc I found out the details slowly over a course of some months bc he kept lying about everything. Our daughter was born prematurely and we spent 1 1/2 years in and out of hospitals with her. Fast forward March 2013 my husband says - through text that he has to work late and didn't come home until midnight 4 hrs after shift and said he had to work first thing in the am. I checked his phone records and there was a recurring number but in his phone he had deleted all texts and calls, confronted him - another woman who he had went to school with. This one lasted about 3 months and he broke contact with her right away (so I think) unlike the previous one. Now we have been to counseling the last year, we have 4 kids, he does nothing the counselor advises although he says he will in counseling. My question is what are your thoughts? Am I in denial or what?)
Scott Thomas Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Absolutely unacceptable. I am really sorry for what you're experiencing. It's time you put your foot down. I know that you live him but he has crossed the line multiple times. Is there anyone who you might lean on during this period, specifically a female friend (refrain from getting too close with a male friend since you're in a bad place and could easily slip into a RA). Can you get him to attend MC?
Author lkey Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 Thank you Scott, that is the thing. We have been to counseling on and off ever since. Our counselor that we had after the EA in March dumped us in December because she said he was not doing any of the things she recommended although he would agree to do them in counseling and said he thought they were acceptable (she was our 3rd) we now have a male who we have been to once so far, second time today. And he was very direct with my husband that he seemed no involved. I think my friends are tired of hearing about it. Which is why I reached out here.
jnel921 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Sounds like your H doesn't want to do the work. Why be with someone who obviously spent years lying to you and won't admit it. To truly reconcile he needs to be willing and remorseful. He doesn't sound like he is either. MC is for couples who want to work on improving the M. Did you force him to go?
Author lkey Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Hey Jnel, thank you for responding. Actually, once I found out about the first, I said we really need to go to counseling and then after the second one same thing. He agreed easily but doesn't do anything they recommend. We had a session today and the counselor basically said: this is not a healthy relationship for me if he doesn't change, if he wants the marriage he is going to have to start working hard, and then he asked my husband Do you think you can do this? To which he responded I don't know. So now I know...
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Hey Jnel, thank you for responding. Actually, once I found out about the first, I said we really need to go to counseling and then after the second one same thing. He agreed easily but doesn't do anything they recommend. We had a session today and the counselor basically said: this is not a healthy relationship for me if he doesn't change, if he wants the marriage he is going to have to start working hard, and then he asked my husband Do you think you can do this? To which he responded I don't know. So now I know... The I don't know is telling. Either he's lazy and is happy enough as things are, it's effortless or he really doesn't care much at all. This is YOUR life, if you are unhappy, do something about it. Separate from him and let him know that you'd rather be alone than stay lonely with him. Even talk to a lawyer about divorce. He doesn't seem to be head over heels in love. You deserve so much more and so much better! He's not into marriage or being a loving, kind and giving husband, putting you first. Seems his ego and wandering eyes and EA's are his priority. 1
rumbleseat Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 There is a saying about how we teach others how to treat us, and this sounds like a prime example. Right now, you are teaching him that there really aren't any real consequences to his actions, and you will continue to put up with his nonsense. It's time for a new lesson plan! You can't force him to stop cheating and re-invest himself in your m. No one can force anyone to do that. What you can do is stop accepting his cr@p. Stand up for yourself. Be polite, but do not go out of your way for him. Begin to live your life for your children and yourself, and slowly phase him out. Stop counselling if isn't doing the work. Spend time away from him with friends and family, and begin to find activities that you can do without him. Get individual counselling for yourself. This isn't meant to manipulate him, but rather to manipulate yourself. You need to manipulate yourself into a position where you are willing to put your own needs first. His come second, if at all. He is disrespecting you more than enough, you don't need to add to that by disrespecting yourself. I would also see a lawyer, not because you want to divorce, but just to give yourself the knowledge that you may need should you ever feel that you have had enough of his cr@p. Find out what your options are, and as the saying goes, knowledge is power, so the more you have, the more power you will begin to have over your own life. 4
2sunny Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Hey Jnel, thank you for responding. Actually, once I found out about the first, I said we really need to go to counseling and then after the second one same thing. He agreed easily but doesn't do anything they recommend. We had a session today and the counselor basically said: this is not a healthy relationship for me if he doesn't change, if he wants the marriage he is going to have to start working hard, and then he asked my husband Do you think you can do this? To which he responded I don't know. So now I know... An evasive answer and no action to change allows you to understand everything. Why do you keep yourself in deep denial? He's treated you like crap - and you've allowed it by staying. Change must come from you. What do you plan to change? 1
Eivuwan Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I think it's pretty obvious to everyone that he won't change and he doesn't care about you. Going to counseling is just a way for him to keep you in the marriage for I don't know what reason. You have tried everything. Get a divorce because you're not getting anything out of this marriage.
Eivuwan Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Why are you still in the marriage? I have never seen such clear evidence that this man is someone who doesn't love his wife and doesn't want to change. 4 counselors... How much is it going to take before you finally start loving yourself more and respecting yourself more. You are a person, not a doormat for people to wipe their shoes on. 2
Author lkey Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you everyone for your response. You know I really agree that he's obviously showing that he's not interested in doing any work or interested in the marriage I think I stay so long because im concerned about the kids and I can't lie I do still love him it was still in love with him but I'm just tired of being treated bad and even the counselor said that it was not a healthy relationship. He said he didn't get that because he doesn't Yell or he's not a angry person but not showing someone love and respect is also a way of treating them bad and he doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will
2sunny Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you everyone for your response. You know I really agree that he's obviously showing that he's not interested in doing any work or interested in the marriage I think I stay so long because im concerned about the kids and I can't lie I do still love him it was still in love with him but I'm just tired of being treated bad and even the counselor said that it was not a healthy relationship. He said he didn't get that because he doesn't Yell or he's not a angry person but not showing someone love and respect is also a way of treating them bad and he doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will At this juncture - it's not about what he will or won't do (he's been consistent in not doing anything to change) - it IS about YOU - what are you going to do to change it? It is yours to change.
Author lkey Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Agreed ^^^ I think I am just struggling over the decision to divorce with kids because of my unhappiness. Of course my MIL says "I wouldn't divorce my husband over any phone calls" but she only knows about the first one and I'm not sure she knows if was over 1.5 yrs DAILY! But what I keep going back to is that it is clear he is not emotionally involved in the relationship and he will likely continue to have affairs. And who can live like that?!
2sunny Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Agreed ^^^ I think I am just struggling over the decision to divorce with kids because of my unhappiness. Of course my MIL says "I wouldn't divorce my husband over any phone calls" but she only knows about the first one and I'm not sure she knows if was over 1.5 yrs DAILY! But what I keep going back to is that it is clear he is not emotionally involved in the relationship and he will likely continue to have affairs. And who can live like that?! You can't MAKE him be decent. Change what YOU can change. That should include taking your power back and getting your peace of mind back. Handing him all your power has allowed him to treat you like crap - it time to look out for your best interest now (and your kids too). Dad acts single - allow him to have that single life he wants so badly. 1
Neith Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Short answer in response to your question in the title: YEP.
stillafool Posted February 9, 2014 Posted February 9, 2014 Agreed ^^^ I think I am just struggling over the decision to divorce with kids because of my unhappiness. Of course my MIL says "I wouldn't divorce my husband over any phone calls" but she only knows about the first one and I'm not sure she knows if was over 1.5 yrs DAILY! But what I keep going back to is that it is clear he is not emotionally involved in the relationship and he will likely continue to have affairs. And who can live like that?! When push comes to shove your MIL is going to say what's best for her son. What does your mother say?
Recommended Posts