Stvnssam Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) This could take a while to explain but here goes lol Back when I was 11 my grandad's girlfriend took me to one of her friends house and I started hanging out there frequently this woman (who was like a second mum to me) had 2 sons. One of whom I thought of as a brother and I played the sega megadrive with him daily and the other one I was in love with (he was 12 at the time) I was always trying to catch glimpses of him etc so I knew it was my first crush and love anyway moving on. Weeks later my mates found out I liked him and ran over to him and asked him out for me and he said no my poor wee 11 year old heart was crushed and I then tried to avoid him and see him at the same time it was weird but yea anyway lets move on again shall we lol When I reached 21 I had a 3yr old child and was pregnant with my second and single and not looking for a man. I started hanging out with my friends etc again since all that was taken away from me from the kids dad but we won't go into that, that is not my problem I'm over it lol. So anyway all my friends were talking about this site they were on called Bebo (I'm sure you probably know what that is similar to facebook) so I was on this for a few weeks when I got a message from this guy and I didn't recognise the name until he mentioned his wonderful mum and his brother you guessed it, it was my first love/crush you may think what's the problem but there is one and I'm getting to it. So we start chatting and he tells me he thought my friend was just taking the piss outta him and that he had a crush on me too at that time he even remembers what I was wearing that night (creepy or sweet I'll let you decide that one lol). So we swap numbers start texting, calling each other etc then lose contact. This has repeated over the years we keep missing each other we know everything about the other I know all the crap he's been served in life and vice versa and he has said lot of hurtful things when drunk in the past. I am now 30 and he's 31 we've been chatting on and off for bout 3 years constant he asked me to be with him god knows how many times and I never believed he could be sincere in it though I have no reason to believe he isn't sincere. Anyway bout a month ago I thought well what could it hurt to try having a relationship he is really sweet to me even as a friend and over the past month he's been even sweeter, constantly complimenting me, making me laugh etc. He is the one chasing me, he texts first, calls first etc. He was supposed come see me 22nd Feb but he got impatient and ended up coming to see me last saturday instead cause he couldn't wait to see me (we live 36 miles apart and neither of us drive and he works long hours). When he came to stay we had a cuddle and watched a movie then went to bed and talked, kissed and cuddled nearly all night (only got 2hrs sleep) we didn't have sex he is very gentlemanly and said he would wait til I was ready we have already talked about all this. Anyway I love his cuddles and I adore him as a friend but I'm having trouble of seeing him as a love interest and I really do want to give this a proper shot he'd be crushed again if he was rejected by me and I don't want that since as I said he is still my best friend and who likes to see their best friend hurting not me thats for sure. So my problem is how can I try to direct my feelings in the other direction to see him as a love interest and not just a friend. Forgot to mention I have been single since I was pregnant with my 2nd child so nearly 9yrs so sex, relationships, intimacy and stuff are kinda scary for me and he knows and understands all this. Edited February 6, 2014 by Stvnssam Forgot an important point.
newmoon Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I would wonder why you've gone 9 years with no solid relationship. I realize the kids might be a problem when meeting people, but I think this guy probably feels very comfortable to you and it's more a case of just wanting someone to have and hold and cuddle than actually wanting him. and it's been my experience that men who chase (for many years) are also very hesitant to go farther when actually given the chance to do so; it's almost like they chase you because they know you won't make yourself available to them and when you do... it all changes. your story just sounds like friends and the fact he's giving you some attention is making you feel good and making you think of it as more, or becoming more. friends can make good partners but you have to still be passionate and attracted to them above everyone else
Author Stvnssam Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) I have been single for so long because I was scared (literally terrified) of men for 6yrs. I had to go through counselling etc. I am attracted to him he is a very sexy guy and when we cuddle it feels right and we both want things to work out between us but I still feel this barrier it's like I'm still scared. I know he would never hurt me and he has the patience of a saint but I still have these weird thoughts. I told him I have a lot of things I'm unsure of and a lot of insecurities and he told me to talk to him about it so we can work through them all together but I wouldn't even know where to start. I have had a couple of dates in the last year but they didn't work out when I was dating then he was extremely jealous and begged me to be with him so it's not like I don't want to date. I am ready for a relationship and he wants to be the one I just want to know how to let him in and get rid of the friend barrier that I have put up. Edited February 6, 2014 by Stvnssam forgot to mention things 1
DL2mer Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 First off nothing wrong with not dating for 9 yrs. I've dealt with barriers for years now, yet my barriers are probally completely different than yours. I think you need someone like this guy. You have know him since you were children, you know all his baggage, and you said he has the patience of a saint. My biggest problem in dealing with my barriers is the women I date want to have sex way to soon and it totally ruins it for me. I would continue seeing this guy, cuddle, watch movies, etc. you do need to open up and talk to him about your fears. I would start with your biggest fears, and you don't have to drop them all at once, just a little at a time. Don't jump into sex with him take your time. Wait til he no longer feels like a friend. Don't try to instantly transform from friends to lovers overnight. He works long hours and lives far away from you and that may appear as a burden, yet it's really a blessing. When you get to the point where you begin to miss him while he is away for a long time then he will no longer be just your friend, he will be your best friend and your love. You really need to be patient, obviously your have been though some hard times and your heart needs to heal. You are extremely lucky to have someone who's willing to wait, to wait on your heart to heal. As far as the saying friends make awful lovers, it's very possible someday you may not be able to be passionate with your partner, that's when you really need your friend, someone that will always be at your side regardless. Someone that doesn't care if you lost your looks over time, someone that will treat your children as his own, someone who would care for your children if god forbid something happened to you. This guy sounds like that someone, just take your time and you'll work out your fears and insecurities. Best wishes
Author Stvnssam Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Everything you said makes perfect sense and more and I can't thank you enough. I am seeing him again this saturday and I'm going to talk to him about some of my fears not too many I don't want to bombard him incase he becomes withdrawn. Although I doubt that'll happen he's addicted to me and he loves my kids too hopefully someday down the line I'll feel the same for him. I'm not going to rush it and try and force my feelings they should come on their own and I see that now and sex is definitely not on our cards for a long time yet. It took me long enough to kiss him so it's definitely going to take longer to get intimate but I don't mind and I'm positive that he doesn't mind either. I'm just going to enjoy my time with him and see what happens 1
Recommended Posts