somedude81 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 So to answer another question, yes I have to work. I am paying off my own student loans with what I make. We could live on his salary alone but it would be tight and don't wanna add money conflict to everything else. Can you adjust your schedule or find another job that matches his schedule? If quality time is very important to the both of you, then you need to get that quality time. Sacrifices need to be made if you want to keep the marriage going.
BeingMe Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 BeingMe, no he doesn't get angry. It's kinda weird though. Even when he should get angry or even slightly upset he stays even tempered. I guess that's a good thing going for him though. I'm the one who gets more angry. I am generally even tempered and don't let things get my feathers ruffled, but I get so frustrated at the increasing lack of respect that sometimes I feel the only way I'll be heard is if I yell about something. It's not something I'm proud of and I'm sure he'd have his own things to say about that. But I feel like to really answer your question I'll go ahead and say no, things never get physical on either side. Just words. Well, actually, the not getting angry when it would be appropriate is also part of being passive aggressive. Passive aggressives learnt from a early age that expressing anger was 'bad' and people who did so were 'bad', so learnt to suppress it. Instead, the passively provoke others to express the anger that they have inside them, this satisfies their need to express anger,whilst at the same time feeling superior that they were not the 'bad' person who got angry. The spouse who lives with them often finds themselves cast into the angry role and begins to believe that they are a horrible critical angry person, loses their self confidence etc. By contrast, the p/a builds up a mountain of small resentments that they never forgive (although will often easily say sorry or say they forgive to end a confrontation). They then use these resentments to justify any behaviour they do that they're ashamed of because "MrsX doing [insert grump here] drove me to it" It's crazy making. And the worst thing is, most p/a REFUSE to admit it, even if diagnosed and so they cannot change because they won't get help for it. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 H8beingamrs I can relate to your story. We got married later in life too. We weren't friends first & we did have the big wedding but didn't go into debt for it. I was uncertain before the wedding & a lot of it had to do with incompatibility in the bedroom. I planned the big wedding. He planned the HM. Fortunately, I noticed his 1st planning screw up a couple of months before; he booked the wrong trip. I was able to fix it but I resented having to. We had a lot go wrong on the HM itself. The morning after our wedding my uncle died. I had to break the mews to my mom & also tell her that at the request of her nieces & nephews she wasn't going cross country to the funeral because I couldn't cancel my HM to take her & she was too ill / frail to travel alone. I felt so horribly guilty. Anyway, when we arrived in Europe from the States, we found out that DH had left all of the travel vouchers for ground transportation, hotels & food on the dining room table. We ended up stuck in the AP for 3 hours until the travel company opened for the day. A few days in, I got very sick. At one point I called one of my BFFs who happens to be a divorce attorney & cried: get me out of this; I'm miserable! she calmed me down. I was the primary bread winner at the time. He was in sales but not selling anything & therefore making no money. He owed them money some months for his health insurance. He did no housework & slept all day until 3-4 in the afternoon on weekends so I didn't even have anybody to do things with. Things in the bedroom weren't improving either. Still I stayed. We got a cleaning lady. That helped a LOT. It at least stopped the fights. He went on meds which improved the bedroom situation. I started leaving him "honey-do" notes with household tasks I expected him to complete. He still does things around the house that annoy me, like run a small load of his laundry instead of throwing a few of my things in to run the machine when it's full. The first several of the conversations about fixing the problems & addressing the resentment on both sides were said at the top of our lungs & were pretty mean but we got through them. He actually resented having to do household chores & expected that I was going to "take care of him". When our house was a mess, he viewed that as me not loving him. It never dawned on him that they would be joint responsibilities. Hence, the cleaning lady; house is cleaner, he feels loved & I don't resent him for making me do it all. If you were still dating, I'd tell you to walk away. Since you married & took vows, I suggest marriage counseling. DH & I did attend a communications workshop; we would have gone to counseling but I couldn't find a counselor we both liked. I also read a book called Fight For Your Marriage. It helped. The pop psychology books by Dr. Laura The Care & Feeding of a Husband and The Care and Feeding of a Marriage also opened my eyes to the male perspective. (I am not saying I endorse all of her sexist recommendations) Good luck. 1
deathandtaxes Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) Hey OP - rather than fight over menial ****ing mundane chores, why not hire a maid from time to time? Whoops - looks like donnivain already mentioned it. I highly recommend a maid or a cleaning service or whatever you want to call it. ****ing golden imo Edited February 6, 2014 by deathandtaxes
newmoon Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 you are still so close to the marriage and honeymoon that you should be able to go back and remember why you married this man. instead of bemoaning the honeymoon he planned or the job he works or his lack of interest in counseling, why not focus on his positive traits and the positive qualities he has. why focus on the negative, which it seems you are doing. 4 months is way too soon to give up, especially if you are an older, wiser woman and took time to make this decision. try to remember why you made it and focus on being a partnership; it sounds from your posts and replies that you're still 'me'-centered and haven't adjusted yet to being part of a couple and taking the good with the bad. a new marriage is like a new job - it takes times to settle in and things get easier with time. you don't jump out at the first sign of trouble and you don't have to think your cold feet were related to the problems now. I bet the cold feet were just a result of being a bit older and wanting to be sure of yourself and the decision you were making. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I never said I don't believe in divorce. I said my PARENTS don't, therefore I would not have a place to go if I were to separate from him. Thus, making my decision harder and forcing me to stay until I can better my own personal situation. So to answer another question, yes I have to work. I am paying off my own student loans with what I make. We could live on his salary alone but it would be tight and don't wanna add money conflict to everything else. This is YOUR life, not your parents life. SO if you cant' move in with them, you ask another relative or a trusted good friend to stay with until you can afford a place of your own. Or, find a place and get roommates. Keep talking to your husband. Be honest. Another option is, maybe stay together until financially you two can make it on your own just be upfront with him about this. Then separate/divorce when the timing is right...That is, if he feels the same way about the marriage as you do?
gaius Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 She said he works opposite shift from her. By your standards, she is to do all of the housework and provide an income too? What does HE do? Sit on his ass and get waited on like a king? Reading comprehension please, she said that AFTER I asked her a question about it. gaius, honey, don't talk bull. This is 2014, not 1814..... Just because you got so many ridiculous likes for this, I'll add a great article the NYTimes conveniently came out with today. That has everything to do with what's going on here. Does a more equal marriage equal less sex? Some of my favorite parts..... A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction. When I was speaking about relationships at a conference and mentioned that I was writing about this topic, a large group of women who had just waxed poetic about “Fifty Shades of Grey” suddenly seemed outraged.The last part sounds awfully familiar. How did you like 50 Shades of Grey?
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